"This has been the most romantic night of my life." Cosima looks at me stunned on the metro, shaking her head. Her cheeks are flushed, whether from dancing, kissing or wine I cannot be sure.
"Non." I tease her, but I am blushing. Reality slowly sinking in. I had been kissing Cosima. Cosima who was definitely a woman. Whatever the content of my romantic fiction, it was nothing like what Cosima could offer me. Cosima's body… is a woman's body. While I'm trying to decide if that really matters, Cosima's expression morphs before my eyes. The mirth I see in Cosima's face fading away as she observes me intently looking her over. I wonder briefly if she can tell what I am thinking.
"Uh… yeah. Eiffel tower at sunset. Italian food that was better than any Italian food I have ever had in my life. Dancing… and kissing you. Holy shit." Cosima begins to laugh, a wide grin gracing her face. My heart swells at the sight, Cosima happy, Cosima delighted with me. Maybe it doesn't matter. None of the physical side. The emotional side is clear enough.
"I guess it was." I answer, looking away. It is too much. Far too much. I seem to be sobering up, I realize and it's far too fast. Logically, I think to myself. I knew this the whole time. Most certainly knew it when I kissed Cosima at the club. Knew Cosima was a woman. Knew sleeping with her is probably bound for disaster. Between Cosima's girlfriend and my inexperience, I couldn't see it going well.
"Hey…" Cosima calls out softly. Her hand grips mine, and draws my eyes back to her own.
"Like… part of me really just wants to take you home. And just…" Cosima grins at me, cutting off her sentence knowingly. "But you know we… we can't . Lori." Cosima tells me, looking out the window of our train as it hurtles along underground.
"We can't. This is our stop." I agree. And I am not even sure if I want to. I bite my lip considering. I definitely feel something for Cosima. Felt something while I kissed her. Something real, something passionate. The idea of curling up with Cosima in my bed, of kissing her senseless is still extremely appealing. Taking my feelings to their supposedly natural conclusion is what I should want to be doing. Why does the rest of it have to matter?.
"So it was a mistake." Cosima nods at me apologetically as we clamber off the train and begin the climb back to street level. "It won't happen again. I promise. I… I had three glasses of wine… I get kind of … too much after three glasses of wine. So sorry."
"Yes. It was a mistake." I agree, my heart sinking rapidly as we approach our building. Almost home and so far away from how I'd felt a mere thirty minutes ago. I find myself remembering my mother's ridiculous warning, and have to stifle a laugh. Who'd thought I'd be considering that?
"I'll… see you tomorrow?" Cosima says hopefully, before digging out her keys and silently slipping in through the gate. I follow her and watch her move quietly into the Lalonde's apartment. No doubt intent on going to bed without waking them.
I sigh again, staring after Cosima. Remembering. I go home alone, slide off my shoes near the door and traipse into my bedroom. I strip naked and crawl into my bed alone. My mind is spinning. My parents are asleep. I can hear my papa snoring softly. Only Sebastien's door is ajar, he isn't home. Of course.
I lay awake a long time, running through my evening. Through everything that had transpired. How perfect it had all been. How much I'd enjoyed being with Cosima. And I realize then, I don't have to make love to Cosima to love Cosima. I pull my romance novel from under my pillow, I open the book, and briefly consider the passion of François and Eloïse, but I toss the novel onto the floor. It still reaches me, but I cannot stop thinking about Cosima.
Cosima smiling at me. Cosima kissing me. Cosima laughing. Watching Cosima dance, feeling her heart speed up as we pressed close.
I wake late into the morning, the sun long since up. I groan, my head pounding and my legs and feet sore from dancing. Cosima… I find myself thinking with a smile. Today is another day, I decide. And I intend to spend as much of it as possible with Cosima.
I get up and dress, trying to make myself mostly presentable before wandering out of my room.
"Delphine…" My mother warns me when I stumble into the kitchen. My head aches with a slight hangover, I don't answer and move to make myself some tea.
"Where were you last night?" My mother tries to hide her line of questioning from my oblivious father the usual way - one of the languages he is not proficient in speaking.
"I was at a…. discothèque." I mutter out, trying to remember the English word Cosima had used. What was it again? I know this. I know I know it...
"You went to a gay club?!" My mother hisses at me. My father is sitting at the table, calming sipping what is certainly his third cup of coffee reading the newspaper.
"Non. Juste une discothèque, pleine de jeunes." I sigh at her. "Marc was there. Plenty of men, and women. Cosima and I went dancing. That is all." Maman could not have been that worried, I decide. She and Papa had both been asleep when I returned.
"Mais… she is…." My mother looks at me trying to make herself clear without spitting it out. I become irritated. What point is there to dancing around the subject? I know it. My mother knows it. Cosima knows it. There's no point in subterfuge. Especially if I am not going to be trying to sneak Cosima in or out of my bedroom.
I sigh and nod. "Oui, Cosima est lesbienne. C'est vrai." I look at my mother unable to contain my exasperation. Why does this matter? Surely my mother cannot guess what transpired last night, it is not as if she found Cosima in my bed. A few passionate kisses in a discotheque aren't going to be anything worth gossiping over. At least I think not.
"Rien." My mother brushes it off, drinking her coffee.
My papa looks over at us. "Cosima est lesbienne… Euh." He nods calmly and keeps drinking his coffee unconcerned. I envy his calm, I realize. To be that nonchalant about everything. I wonder how he does it.
The door loudly swings open and Sebastien waltzes in, waves to both my parents, puts down his guitar in the living room and crashes into his bed.
My mom laughs at him, and I do too. And for a few minutes things are normal. Laughing at the antics of my musician brother.
"He had a gig?" I look to my mother who nods. No doubt, Sébastien had spent last night in the company of some random girl. And that was just fine. Tolerated. So why couldn't I have Cosima?
I don't have much work to do at home. I ready myself, and quickly head out. Ignoring whatever my mother is saying to me. It's easier if I don't pay attention, if I don't know.
I head down to the courtyard, without my usual book accompaniment. I knock quickly on the Lalonde's door. It is Saturday morning, they are generally out. But maybe Cosima stayed behind. Maybe she too was still sleeping off our eventful night.
It is Cosima who answers, still clad in what looks to be pyjama pants and a loose t-shirt. And I breathe a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure what I would have told Marie-Claire, if she had answered. Cosima looks me over wearily and I wonder if she too is feeling hungover. We hadn't drank that much. But my headache was difficult to ignore.
"Hey Delphine." Cosima sighs. "Do you want to come in? The Lalonde's are out."
"Alright." I nod stepping into the apartment. I look around, I am familiar enough with this apartment. Three generous bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, the floral furniture Marie-Claire seemed to still favour even if it was decades out of date.
"How are you?" Cosima regards me cautiously. I notice a cup of tea on the table, and half-eaten porridge.
"I'm alright. I have… a slight headache." I admit with a small laugh. "Three glasses of wine will do that to me."
"I'm not hungover. Just...tired. I didn't drink enough to be hungover." Cosima tells me nodding.
I look at her, taking her in, her dark brown eyes looking me over. Her beautiful face. The feeling returns, I want to recapture it. I want Cosima to look at me the way she did last night.
"Cosima…" I look down at her, raising one hand to cup her cheek. She looks nervous and I cannot stand it, I lean in, trying to kiss her. I need to get us back to where we were. When I felt certain.
Cosima's arms stop me, pushing me back at my biceps. "Woah. I'm not some experiment." Cosima tells me harshly.
"But I mean it. You've kissed me. Don't you feel it?" I ask, wondering if I am wrong. If this is just one-sided. I settle myself down on one of the wooden chairs. I watch Cosima resume eating her breakfast.
"I still… I don't know." Cosima finally says meekly. "Do you think you're bisexual?"
"Maybe? Would that… would that be enough?" I hadn't thought much about that. Labels. I sigh to myself. I must be… something. Or I wouldn't feel like this for Cosima. At least, I assume I wouldn't. But love… love is unpredictable. At least in fiction. Desire… desire should be somewhat predictable.
"Delphine… there's… Lori. I can't." Cosima tells me, pulling her knees to her chest. She perches on the chair and she is suddenly irresistible. I want to kiss the worry from her face. I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her until she forgets Lori altogether.
"Then why did you kiss me?" I counter. Surely, surely Cosima hasn't forgotten. That moment… that was everything.
"Well… you were supposed to be straight for one thing." Cosima laughs. "And… you're… beautiful. I enjoy your company. I like you… I just can't go there. Not while I'm with Lori."
"Are you with Lori?" I shouldn't be so pushy. But Lori doesn't seem to be a good enough excuse to stand between me and Cosima. She isn't kind to Cosima. And beyond that, she isn't here. They are an ocean apart.
"I need to tell her." Cosima grimaces, one hand gripping her knee as the other gestures in front of her. "I need to do it soon before I lose my nerve."
"And what do you think will happen?" I ask. Lori was jealous enough when there was nothing to be jealous of.
"I'll tell her I was drinking. That it was a mistake. Because it was." Cosima tells me plainly. "And… hopefully… after she finishes yelling and takes a break… we'll work it out in September."
"Why are you so focused on working it out with Lori?"
"Because I live with her!" Cosima tells me, drawing her hands up to her face. "I don't really want to move back in with my parents and get their 'I told you so's' right now. I don't want half my shit out on the curb somewhere in Berkeley."
I swallow, softening towards Cosima. "You didn't tell me that."
"You didn't ask!" Cosima counters. "Besides we were… we were just supposed to be having fun."
"How are you going to call? Payphone?"
"No. I'm going to call collect from the Lalonde's." Cosima frowns. "I don't want to be dumped in public."
"Do you want me to stay or go?" I offer. I can at least give Cosima that much. Some semblance of privacy for this.
"I mean… you can stay. But it's not going to be pretty. And if you do stay, I need you to be really fucking quiet. Like, not a word, Delphine."
"I'll stay." I offer.
Cosima picks up the phone, and begins to dial. I wonder if Lori will refuse the call. But Cosima is connected within a few minutes. I don't tell Cosima, that it is too early in California to really be considered morning. And it is about as awful as I anticipate.
"No… I don't realize what time it is in California." Cosima begins. "Lori… I have to tell you something and you aren't going to like it. I kissed someone. I'd been drinking and …."
I can't make out Lori's words, but I can tell that she is yelling, berating Cosima for our kiss.
"Who was it….?" Cosima winces looking at me, seeming pained at having to give Lori a name. "It was… Delphine. But… she's straight. It was just a kiss, Lori.. You had sex with Vicki! No… seriously."
I try to tune out the rest of it. Cosima is intent on brushing off what happened between us as just a kiss, and it stings more than I thought it would.
Cosima hangs up the phone. "She dumped me."
"I know." I offer quietly. "Do you want to go out? Just take a walk somewhere?"
"No… I want to be alone. And tonight… I'm going out." Cosima says decisively. "Without Lori… there's no reason I shouldn't."
"Can I come with you?" I ask softly. Hoping that this means I have a chance. We could try to recapture whatever magic seemed lost this morning.
"No… Delphine. I'm… I'm going to a gay club. And you'd… you'd be so out of place there." Cosima shakes her head. "I need to go alone."
"Alright." I nod. "Should I go?"
"I think so. I'll see you Monday?" Cosima suggests. "We could get coffee and croissants near campus?"
"Monday." I repeat, and I stand up to leave on autopilot. Unsure of what to do, I return to my room. I try to study. But I cannot concentrate. Cannot calm myself. I begin to wonder if there is a way to follow Cosima tonight. To ensure Cosima is not alone. To offer my own company.
Somehow I miss Cosima slipping out in the evening. And I opt to wait up. I lean against the windowsill in my room, looking down into the dark courtyard worrying. I don't even know where Cosima has gone. I know that there are gay clubs, in abstract. I have no idea what they are called or where they are.
I would follow Cosima, if I knew where she'd gone. Instead I resolve to wait. Eventually, I fall asleep. I wake, only to glance outside again, and wonder if Cosima has returned. But it is late, and my fatigue gets the better of me.
I wake on time, manage to get through a few of my readings for class. I eat, and contemplate going outside to continue waiting for Cosima.
Finally I catch sight of Cosima partway through breakfast. I abandon my toast on my plate and quickly rush out. I spring down the stairs, and out to the courtyard. Cosima finally returning, somewhat disheveled in her clothes from yesterday.
"Delphine…" My mother calls after me, just having woken for the day herself. But I pay her no mind. This is more important.
"Delphine!" Cosima jumps in surprise when I open the door, practically leaping out in front of her.
"Where were you? You were gone all night!" I am unable to keep concern from my voice. Cosima seems at first surprised and then amused by my presence.
"A gay bar." Cosima laughs. "And then an apartment… near La Marseille." Cosima giggles the last words. "I was having fun. I'm totally fine. I promise."
I look Cosima over, she seems fine if a little off somehow. "Are you still drunk?"
"Maybe a little." Cosima grins again, and she's close enough I can smell sweat and alcohol.
"What were you doing?" I ask, my heart sinking rapidly. I try to fake calm, to not react. Perhaps Cosima had just crashed with another student. Perhaps she just slept it off until she could go home.
"Umm I was having sex?" Cosima shrugs at me. "If you'd even call it that."
"What else would I call it?" I shake my head, my nose wrinkling as I consider this. What was Cosima on about?
"I don't know, dude, straight people are weird." Cosima shrugs at me. "Anyway. I need to shower… and you're kind of in my way right now."
"But… you just kissed me !" I hiss, trying to keep my voice down. I look at Cosima. I try not to raise my voice, try to be nonchalant and dismiss the stirrings of jealousy. What… what was this nonsense?
"I just… I mean you just needed to scare off Marc. And I really wanted to. Just once to know what it's like. Like, we have a real connection… the first time I saw you I felt something and the more time I'm with you…. never mind." Cosima shakes her head. "Not important. We need to move on from that… and just let it go."
"But I feel it too. You get me. And there's… there's something between us. You felt it when you kissed me." I beg quietly, wondering if my mother is spying on us even now. Maybe we should have this conversation elsewhere. Somewhere more private.
"Yeah but then… I mean, you're straight so actually having sex with you would be super awkward. Almost as bad as deflowering someone." Cosima winces at me. "Plus you like live above my host parents. Like if things go badly… it'll be really bad."
I nod tensely, trying to express agreement. "So you don't want me." I try to contain my disappointment. But I know it's all over my face, even as I am nodding.
"I want something less complicated."
"What's complicated?" I look at Cosima, wondering if there was anything I could do to convince her. "I want to make love ." I tell Cosima, gripping her hands making a last ditch effort to win her over. I am no romantic hero, but I figure it's worth a try. I can fake confidence, try to convince Cosima that I am a better option than whatever woman she had last night. Maybe she'll want me back enough none of that will matter anymore. Love does such things to people. At least, I think it does.
"Now?" Cosima scoffs at me. "You're ridiculous… Delphine. Let me shower and we'll take that walk you want."
I watch her go, and I settle myself on the covered swing. I rock slightly. I don't know what to do. Where to go from here. What can I even be? If I try to make love to Cosima, she'll likely discover I lied to her. If I tell her the truth, she'll refuse me.
Maybe, I think leaning back as I wait. There is another solution I haven't thought of. Maybe I could convince Cosima some other way.
