We did have something more normal planned for this chapter. However, the temptation to ruin the wedding was too much for us.
Ron looked at her blankly. Vows. What vows? I thought that all I had to say was "I do". Suddenly he realized his mistake. "Harry, I need vows. You're my best man, it's your duty!"
Harry hiccupped. He had been drinking since the bachelor party the night before, and as a result he hadn't slept all night. "No problem. I figured hiccup this might be a problem. So I wrote you some last night hic. Here you go." Harry handed Ron a napkin with a few words scribbled on it.
"I love the way your buck teeth look, I love the way you smile. Your nose is cute, cause it's always in a book. And I never have to stare at it for more than a while. The end. Hey. What kinda vows are these? What were you on when you wrote these? And why didn't you share?"
"Hic The groom should be sober on his wedding day. Hiccup But the best man shouldn't because he's depressed because he's ugly and has a disfiguring scar. And besides, I didn't really write it. It was that one homeless drunk that was laying outside the bar at your bachelor party!"
Sally Peep gasped. "Oh, you mean the stick man. He frequents the bar. As the waitress, I would know."
Meanwhile Maugin was looking at Harry and the strange way his manliness seemed to sparkle. There was something about him in his drunken state that just drew her to him. Perhaps it was the fact that his inhibitions were gone and he couldn't say no or tell her to stay and he would come back for her. "Oh, Harry I love you! Will you be mine from this day forward?"
Harry looked at her cross-eyed. Wasn't he supposed to remember something about someone named Ginny? "Sure. I got nothin' better to do. Hic."
Maugin squealed in glee. And her Trog nature began to show though. She grabbed Harry and put a leash on him. He passed out and fell over.
Maugin giggled. "He fell for me! Teehee!" Then she realized that Ron was staring angrily at her—Hermione was just looking wistful. Dang married girls. Maugin blushed. "Sorry."
The priest merely rolled his eyes. "Shauw we continue?"
"Just skip to the end!" Prince Humperdink screamed from the back, his arm around an ugly old bag lady, who shouted "Boo! Boo! Marry her, Harry! Marry Maugin the Queen of Filth. The Queen of Garbage! Marry her! You have true love in your hands even though you dumped her, and you're going to wind up with an ugly old hag like me! Boo!"
Harry was fortunately completely passed out by this point. This was also fortunate because Kronk had joined Professor Dumble—we mean, Sauron, you know the old wizard guy with the nose and the glasses—in a duet.
"I just want my wedding!" Ron cried. "Yes, we will continue! Let's just end this!" He collapsed into a pathetic ball of tears and emotion and stress, screaming "Yes, Hermione! I will marry you and love you forever!"
Hermione giggled. "Oh, Ron. This is so romantic!"
Ron just shrugged and recollected himself. "Yeah, I guess. I'm only doing this for the honeymoon."
"I know, I know! Isn't it romantic!"
Ron glared at the priest.
The wedding was back to continuation. "If anwyone has any doubts about this union, speak now or forwever hold wore piece."
A hand shot up in the crowd. "I do!"
An overly dramatic gasp filled the beach.
Lavender Brown marched her way up to Ron, holding an infant in her arms. "Ronald Weasley! I have not seen a single child support check since you helped create this little monster!"
Molly Weasley screamed and fainted. Fred and George grinned. "Hey! Go Ron!"
Ron looked ill… and annoyed. "I did no such thing!"
"Don't lie to me!" Lavender snapped. "Look at his hair! It's red! You didn't think you could snog and get off scot-free, did you? Look at this red hair! This is Weasley red!"
Indeed, the infant's hair was red. Cheap Halloween hair-dye red. In fact, a can of it was poking from Lavender's baby bag. But no one noticed.
Hermione stared blissfully into the ocean, where some Green Peace activists were whaling on some dolphins and screaming "Take that, you little endangered-tuna eaters!" She seemed to be taking it well.
Ron took a deep breath. "Lavender, do you have any proof this is my child, because I have no memory of this! I didn't think we went that far!"
"That's what they all say!"
"But you were never pregnant!" Ron replied. "Hogwarts is so gossipy I'm sure I would have known!"
"I was pregnant during summer holiday!"
Maugin sighed. "Girlfriend, do you have any idea how long it takes?"
Lavender paused. "…yes. Let me make a phone call." She pulled out her cell phone. "Yeah, I think it's time you two came in here. I have him cornered now."
Officers Dick and Jane walked in with their K-9 unit, Spot. "What seems to be the trouble Ma'am" Dick said as he sauntered jauntily up the aisle." Serveral girls screamed and Moraine called for his number. Hermione's Dad gave Moraine a sad Bambi caught in the headlights look. Hermione's mom growled under her breath but did nothing. Revenge would come in the night.
Lavender gave officer Dick a wide grin. "This bozo hasn't paid his child support in months he refuses to cooperate so I guess I must prove the paternity of my baby. OUR BABY!' He just wants to know his daddy."
The officers pulled out their paternity testing machine that they kept on them as standard redneck and white trash police equipment. This wasn't the first time they had to perform a paternity test at a wedding on this beach.
The organ began to play jeopardy music as the crowd waited in hushed silence for results of the paternity test.
…..Three hours and a tour later the results were in. Ron was not the father. Link was, his DNA was already on file. Turns out Link had once had something quite like this happen with Zelda.
Link and Zelda at that point came forward. Zelda of course was noticeably pregnant. "Thank-you for watching the baby but I think we can take him from here." Zelda said taking her son from Lavender. Link paid out her baby sitting fee.
"No problem Mr. And Mrs. Link we had fun." Lavender said at which point she left with officer Dick on her heels and officer Jane and K-9 unit, Spot scowling at her back.
Spot stopped and started sniffing he smelled Marijuana. Jane pointed "See Spot. See Spot sniff. See Spot run. Run Spot run. See Spot find marijuana on Miles Vorkosigan!"
"It's not my fault I'm a stubborn midget!" He tried to run off, but broke all the bones in his legs, as Spot sunk his teeth into them. Officer Dick and Jane were immediately on him, and handcuffed him behind his back.
"This better not happen at our wedding!" Susan growled at Frodo
Officers Dick and Jane drug him off, all the while calling him horrible and cruel names.
"But I just wanted to see the wedding!" Miles cried. "Because all the women I love go on to more handsome men!"
"Yeah, yeah, I don't blame them," muttered Jane, throwing him into the patrol car. "People like you make me sick!"
Sirens still blaring, they drove off.
Harry regained consciousness. "Uh… my head… is the wedding over?"
"No," Maugin said with a scowl. "No, it's not. Here's some more booze, honey. Drink up."
One sip and Harry was out like a light.
Maugin wondered why she had never gotten Twig drunk. Then he might have stayed around.
Ron took a deep breath, glared at Lavender, who shrugged and smiled mischievously before taking her seat in the kiddie chairs. "Please," he whispered to no one in particular. "Please, can we just get this over with?"
The priest nodded. Frankly, he was enjoying all of this. "Dwo you, Ronald Bilius Weasley, take this woman to bwe wore wawfuwly wedded whife?"
"I'm all yours, sugar baby," Ron said. "I do."
"And do you, gorgeous…" He winked at Hermione. "Take this punk loser to be your husband? Especially when you can have me? Whall of me?"
Hermione glanced fearfully at Molly, who has now standing in her chair screaming, then smiled at the priest. "No, I won't marry you because you're old and ugly and poor. But yes, I do take Ron as my husband!"
"I pwonouce you man and whife. You may now kwiss the bwide."
"Thank-you!" Ron screamed to the heavens. Then he grabbed Hermione in a very Rhett Butler fashion, held her close and tenderly, and gave her the longest kiss in either of their lives. She wrapped her arms around his neck, drowning into his embrace like a quadriplegic in a swimming pool. The doves, butterflies, fairies, and M-80s that had been purchased for the wedding were released in a glorious thunder of beauty. An early shooting star streaked over the sky. If only Gandalf had been not crazy, but available to set off fireworks—it would have been that much better. Women cried and even men had tears forming in the corners of their eyes—this would make their girlfriends like them, if they were emotional at a wedding. Church bells rang, and the entire ocean lit up like a bonfire with the setting sun. And it was with that very setting sun that something strange began to occur, like magic or something.
Sparkles enveloped Hermione—and not the sparkles from her overpriced dress. The whirling lights circled her, and she began to change. First she was an emu, then a crow, then a school nurse. Ron, of course, wasn't aware of this as he was having the lustiest kiss of life. She continued to switch through various forms. She was a dragon, then a small church mouse. Then an ogre. Then, for some reason, back to herself, before going to Jadis the White Witch before settling on a form. Her true form. And that was the form of Elizabeth Bennett, the heroine of the greatest novel ever written, Pride and Prejudice. At least if you listened to Yoda.
Ron let go and looked into his bride's eyes. He gasped. "Why, Hermione! You're pretty! My love for you has made you perfect! I can stand to look at you!"
Elizabeth smiled gently and shook her head. "No, Ron, I am no longer your Hermione. Your kiss has released me from my spell, which a cruel witched named Professor Minerva McGonagall placed upon me. I never was Hermione. I was always Elizabeth Bennett. I could never tell you before this. But now the glorious truth is out. I am the only woman for you! I love you like the day is long and like the stars and the moon, and now we can be together forever! In fact, Hermione never existed. She was merely a figment of your imagination and the enchantment."
Ender raised his hand. "Uh… no, she's real enough. I saw her leave before the ceremony. She's out in the parking lot snogging with Viktor Krum in the back of his clunky junky Toyota Camry."
"Then why didn't you tell me?" Ron asked.
Ender shrugged. "I didn't want to ruin the wedding. You were already freaking out enough as it was."
Elizabeth gave an exasperated sigh. "Fine. I'll tell you the horrible truth. I was with the other girls helping Hermione get ready when in walks Viktor Krum. He said something about "hey, baby, how about a sweet ride in my sweet ride?" And she was all, "Heck yes! I'm having second thoughts about Ron anyway, and you were my first love. And don't professional Quidditch players make a lot more money than used broom salesmen?" And he's like "Of course! Let's get out of here!" And so that left us, and we couldn't just leave you hanging out here. It had to be. Maugin hates your guts, Ginny is your sister and that would just be wrong, we wouldn't let Lucy marry you as we like her too much, Susan's already head-over-heels for Frodo, and Wayne only like hobbits and isn't very girly to boot, so it had to be. But I really am in love with you, because my first impression of Mr. Darcy really was correct and he is a conceited jerk, so I drank some polyjuice potion and here I am! Minus the cat whiskers; I had those waxed."
Ron couldn't help but feel a little hurt. "So Hermione doesn't want me anymore?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "Nope. Sorry."
Ron thought a moment. "Did you get Darcy's money?"
"That I did. The divorce judge liked me. Oh, and half the estate. Don't worry; we don't have any kids, but I got the dog and the horse and the goose, and half his car—we totaled it a month back, so that was easy to split."
Ron shrugged. "You're cute. It works. There were too many upsets with me and Hermione anyway." He proceeded to give her another lusty, Rhett Butler-type kiss.
The crowd cheered and there was much rejoicing.
Molly and Moraine high-fived. They hadn't like each other's kids, anyway. "Ratty little mudblood Granger girl trying to get into my pureblood family," Molly said. 'Because we all know Jane Austin heroines are all pure-blooded witches.'
"Come on, guys," Jim said. "Let's eat."
"But there's nothing left in the vending machines!" Rand cried as he opened his last Twix. He was promptly cuffed by all three of his women.
"Race y'all to the reception!" Edmund cried, jumping up and running off. "Narnia!"
His sisters stared after him. "Wonder if he knows the reception is in the other direction," Lucy said.
Everyone shrugged and headed toward the church house.
...and now the reception of doom approaches...
