We do not make love. It is, initially, a disappointment. Instead I give myself to her in a hundred little ways. My hand clasped in her own as they explored the city together. Her in awe. Me rediscovering its beauty through her eyes. At least, that had been the plan for the week. We'd explored different arrondissements between our classes and my labs. I'd suggested taking her to Versaille on the weekend, noting that we'd need to take the train. That I would get Cosima away from Paris that way. Away from the gay clubs and the woman I hoped Cosima wasn't still seeing but I didn't have the nerve to ask.
Her arms tighten around my waist as I took her on a scooter ride. I had borrowed the scooter from my brother. And I wasn't the best driver with it, but hearing Cosima's squeals as she finally clutched around my waist made it worthwhile. Sébastien is asleep, and he won't even know I borrowed the vespa. He probably won't get up until near noon.
"Delphine! Where are you taking me?" Cosima screeches slightly as I take a turn, here the road is bordered by a park. By beautiful green space and no doubt, Cosima has no idea where we are going. But it is the best idea I've had all week. At least I hope it is.
And I laugh, knowing that we are safe enough. There are things in Paris Cosima has yet to see in her first month here. And this is worth it.
"This is the Parc de Buttes Chaumont." I announce, parking the scooter as close to the lake as I can. We gaze across the fields. And I watch Cosima take it in. The bridge across the water of the small lake. The miniature temple on the outcropping of rocks. The park is large, and already filling up with people. Some tourists, some locals. Some people lounge on blankets while others walk or play with their dogs. A few kids kick a ball around not far from us. It's... peaceful.
"Oh… this is different." Cosima glances at me. "I mean, I've seen it on a map. Never bothered to come here though."
"We've spent a lot of time in the city. I thought a park would be different." I smile at Cosima. "Viens, walk with me." I hold out my hand, and Cosima hesitates only a moment before linking our fingers.
"What was that?" Cosima points with her free hand. Late May is nearly perfect here, I smile at the thought. I cannot believe Cosima has been here almost a month. Time is already going too quickly.
"That is the temple de la Sybille. It's a miniature version of a temple in Rome." I smile. "It was constructed for the park. It is beautiful though."
"Any other fun historical facts?" Cosima prompts me, but I can tell this is working. I see Cosima captivated by the setting. Or at least, it piques her curiosity.
"Oh… they used to do executions here in the 1700s?" I brush it off. "There was a quarry too, not anymore of course. The park is old, constructed in the late 1800s."
A few trees are still in bloom, and people lay out on blankets socializing and drinking… or in some cases… I avert my eyes from the crowds and return them to Cosima. It is certainly a romantic location, and it seems to affect Cosima as planned. I see her eyes fixated on the temple, and on the suspension bridge that allows people to cross for a closer look.
"No blanket for a picnic?" Cosima teases.
"Should I have stolen a bottle of wine from my parents?" I ask back playfully.
"Yes." Cosima laughs jovially. "Bottle of wine… a baguette… Block of cheese... the whole deal."
"Hmmm we may have to come back for that." I tease, but produce a small box from my knapsack. "I do have truffles though." I had thought to do that much, to grab something to share with Cosima. I briefly catch sight of lovers, close in age to ourselves, passionately kissing on the grass. Every time I think of kissing now I think about Cosima. I cannot help it. But we hadn't kissed again, not since the discotheque.
"I'll take it." Cosima smiles, helping herself to one of the decadent chocolates.
I sit on the hill, not far from the bridge. Cosima sitting beside me. I help myself to a truffle and chew it thoughtfully. It's busy enough, it's a warm day. It certainly is private. I acknowledge to myself. But then again, is any romantic place I can think of in Paris truly private?
"Can we cross the bridge? Is it… safe?" Cosima asks. "It's suspension?"
"Oui. On peut." I tease Cosima by switching languages. "And it is. Once again, made for the park."
"I want to see it up close." Cosima is eager enough, so we stand and move to cross. We explore around the miniature temple, before heading back across the bridge again. It is as romantic a setting as I had hoped, and still Cosima won't do more than glance at me. She is too captivated by everything around her.
"Do you want to see more of the park?" I offer. "I could drive us around it on the scooter, or we could walk."
"I think I want to walk." Cosima decides. "Plus then we won't total your brother's vespa."
"I hope not." I laugh. "He is very attached to it."
We explore, hand in hand, and my heart feels full again. The sound of Cosima's laughter is perfect, couldn't be more perfect.
"Let's ride to the south side. There are waterfalls in the old quarry." I tell Cosima knowingly. My attempt at romancing her seemingly accepted. We move easily along the pathways, I take it at low speed and stop the vespa again.
"Oh wow." Cosima remarks. "I assume this isn't a natural formation."
"No. Done for the park." I wrinkle my nose. "But just as beautiful." It shouldn't make a difference. But maybe it does.
Cosima pulls her camera from her bag, begins taking pictures. I smile for one of them, and then move out of the way. One picture with me in it is probably enough.
"No… come back."
"Wouldn't you rather be in the photo?" I offer, I take the camera and snap a few shots of Cosima before handing it back.
"Thanks."
"De rien." I respond. I look at her, and feel almost overwhelmed again. I cannot help myself any longer. Cosima is beautiful, her joyful, curious nature only serves to heighten my attraction to her. Isn't this enough I wondered? I lean in, catching one of her hands in my own. But when I lean in for a kiss, she turns her head away. Turns her face with a laugh,and points at her cheek.
I peck her quickly on the cheek instead, letting myself linger a little bit.
"Why?" Cosima asks me when I am done.
"I wanted to." I shrug. "I still want to, Cosima… you know that. And you know…" This would be so much easier if Cosima were the one pursuing me. All I would have to do is agree and then we could be together. Whatever else my feelings were I was increasingly convinced they were romantic in nature. Having Cosima is the logical conclusion, if she were willing. I sigh a little, and look back over at Cosima. Then there's the other complication.
"I am going to Amsterdam next weekend on Eurorail." Cosima tells me calmly. "I'm going to stay in a cheap hostel. See more things. A different city."
"Amsterdam?!" I balk, shocked. "Why would you want to go to… Oh… gay clubs." That must be the reason. I cannot see Cosima wanting to engage the services of a prostitute. She had no need of it. Clearly.
"Yeah. And pot among other substances." Cosima giggles at me. "Felix, one of the English guys, went last weekend. It's only a three hour train ride. He had a great time. And I think I want to go."
"I thought you'd want to go to Berlin." I tell Cosima honestly. "Or Munich… you have an aunt there, don't you?" I could see myself going with her there. That would be fun, exploration for me as well. And cities my parents wouldn't worry about me setting foot in.
"Maybe later." Cosima tells me. "I just… I want to go have fun."
"Can I come with you?" I ask quietly. Amsterdam had not been a place I had been planning to travel, ever. But going away with Cosima might have other advantages.
"You want to come with me to Amsterdam?" Cosima raises one eyebrow in my direction.
"It will be safer with two of us. We can get a hotel room to share." I try to think about things I actually want to see in Amsterdam. "There are lovely museums. The Van Gogh museum….."
"And a sex museum." Cosima counters with a wide smile.
"And we can go there too. And we can party at night." I offer, hoping Cosima will let me come.
"And if I don't come back at night?" Cosima tests the waters cautiously. "What then?"
"Then you don't come back at night." I repeat calmly. "It'll… it'll be safer with two of us."
Cosima shakes her head looking down. "My host parents already asked me to bring you. They are concerned."
"You told them?" I manage to get words out through my shock. Amsterdam wasn't well regarded, at all. For a young woman to go there, alone, seems… dangerous. Though not as dangerous as it would have been years ago.
"Umm yeah. They said if I wasn't going to be home for souper or to sleep just to call and let them know. They're really chill." Cosima nods thinking. "I didn't tell them I am a lesbian though. They probably assume I was with a guy last weekend." Cosima makes a face at the thought.
"What's the difference?" I shrug. Does it matter what André and Marie-Claire think? Surely, it doesn't. What difference does it make if they think Cosima is making love to boys instead of girls? It doesn't change reality.
"There's a difference." Cosima tells me pointedly. "And I am sure you know that. Otherwise… well… things would be different."
"Different how?" I look at Cosima incredulously. What is she on about now?
" We would have fucked last weekend." Cosima lowers her voice, gesturing between the two of us.
"How… How did we get on to this topic?" I'm lost now. I blush, unable to help myself. I would have, last weekend. Probably. But… not without having to tell Cosima the truth first. And that, that would clearly be very difficult now.
"That there's no difference between fucking girls or guys." Cosima side-eyes me.
"I haven't had the opportunity to make the comparison." I opt to answer honestly, looking directly back at Cosima. "So I wouldn't know. Aside from the… obvious."
"Wow…" Cosima looks at me and then she averts her eyes briefly looking down. "That's more direct than I thought you would be. You're not… you're not scared of it at all, are you?"
"Good. And no, I am not scared." I tell her. I am certainly not scared of Cosima. "Come, let's go have coffee and desserts. I know a great pâtisserieigfred3wa not far from here." I need to change the subject, before things get any worse. Or before Cosima can ask too many questions about my sexual experiences I don't have real answers for.
"I am happy just hanging around with you, you know." Cosima tells me as I am moving to straddle my brother's vespa.
"Moi aussi." I tell Cosima. "Now, hang on to me."
"I will." Cosima wraps her arms around my waist. She clings tightly this time and I love every minute of it. It is distracting, trying to whizz through the streets while thinking constantly how Cosima's arms are wrapped around me.
We stop at a traffic light not far from the promised pâtisserie. Cosima leans in and kisses the back of my neck, and I make a small sound in my throat in response.
Neither of us say anything until I've parked the scooter. I turn to look at Cosima. Her face is impassive as she regards me seriously.
"You can come with me." Cosima tells me when she finally speaks.
"Good. What time do we leave?"
"Noon on Friday."
"I'll be ready." I tell Cosima. And I will make sure that I am.
It's not hard to find Marc on campus. I grab him by the hand, never minding his stunned face and drag him to a quiet part of the building. Private enough, I figure. Supposedly boys don't last very long once they're inside you. Or so I have been told.
"J'ai besoin de toi," I tell him plainly, dragging him along.
"Delphine?!" He cannot contain his shock, but he follows me nonetheless and furrows his brow when I close the door behind us. I lean in to kiss him, hard, and pull him into me. He's not Cosima. It doesn't excite me the same way at all, but I have to be willing to give. I decide as I slip my tongue into his mouth. I find it almost… boring with Marc, but I try to feign some kind of passion to excite him.
"What? What's gotten into you?" Marc looks at me in surprise when I break the kiss, I unfasten my skirt, pushing it down my legs. Making it clear what I am after.
"I cannot be a virgin." I tell Marc plainly. His hands are on my bare thighs, and I know this will be fast and then it will be over. And I won't have to be a liar anymore.
Marc stops for a surprised moment. "T'es une vierge?"
"Yes. And I cannot be anymore." I sigh in annoyance. This conversation was not getting us anywhere.
"What? Now you want to have sex? You've always told me no. You want that American girl. You don't want me." Marc tries to shut me down. Intent on ending this ill-thought out plan.
"But you're still interested. You got an erection watching me kiss Cosima." I tell him, knowing what I'd seen. That wasn't entirely unfamiliar to me.
Marc is unphased. "So?"
"I am going with Cosima on Friday to Amsterdam. I cannot be a virgin." I reiterate, reaching for his hips. I kiss him fiercely, and for a moment I think Marc will yield. I try to excite him, knowing it won't be very hard. Knowing that he's been after me on and off for months.
"Delphine. Je n'ai pas de préservatif." Marc pushes me back, stopping me. "On peut pas."
For a moment I stop. A condom had definitely been a part of this plan. But I don't have much time left. And I suspect I'll need a day or two after to recover. Before I can have Cosima.
"D'accord." I tell him. "Do it without." I can tell he's tempted, the way Marc is looking at me. He wrestles with his desire for physical pleasure. I guess I'll find out how risk averse Marc is.
"No. I won't. Not without a condom." He decides finally. "It won't make a difference. What she can do to you won't hurt. Won't even be sex."
"But she… she doesn't know."
"So tell her ." Marc shrugs, moving to push me back again. "I don't want to make love to a woman who is going to be clenching her eyes shut wishing I were someone else."
"I won't clench my eyes shut. You can think about me kissing Cosima if you want to." I protest, I begin lifting off my shirt. Hoping to tempt him, but Marc leaves.
"Je veux pas baiser une lesbienne." Marc tells me finally. "I want a woman who can want me. And you can't, Delphine."
I don't know what I am. But I don't argue.
