June 1997

I try to downplay my anxiety as I pack my backpack for my weekend adventure. I'd opted to tell my papa instead of my maman. I can hear them arguing down the hall. I am going to be 20 years old by the end of the year. They don't truly have a say in what I do. I am going, I know that much. The ticket is purchased. Cosima will be waiting for me soon and we'll take the metro to the train station. And we'll have our weekend away.

"You're really going with Cosima?" My mother comments when she sees me emerge from my room. I'm clad in jeans and a sweater, my backpack slung over one shoulder. I certainly don't look like I am bent on seduction.

"Oui. Only for the weekend. We'll be back Sunday evening." I attempt the same nonchalance as before.

"You will have separate beds?" My mother asks, her voice low. My father for his part seems unconcerned, even he is rolling his eyes at my mother's concern. Then again, my father isn't the most present person.

"Oui, maman. We are staying at a hostel. There are bunkbeds." I tell her. "Cosima and I are friends, that is all." And that is true, whether or not I want it to be. And it has to stay that way. At least until I figure out another solution.

"Pas de drogues." My mother tells me, as if she has a say in whatever we do. I wasn't planning on it anyway.

"Bien sûr." I agree, I don't have any intentions of taking drugs. My mother eyes me closely. I shrug and watch my mother fetch her cigarettes and move to stand out on the balcony to smoke outside.

"Brigitte…" My papa calls my mother from the living room. No doubt to tell her to relax, to let me have some fun. I will be the doctor daughter they want. They can at least let me have this. Cosima is only here until September. It should give us enough time. At least I hope it does.

Either way when I head out the door, no one stops me. I climb down the stairs to the courtyard to wait for Cosima. I cannot stop from smiling when I see her waiting for me in the courtyard, her own backpack on.

"Prete?" Cosima asks me.

"Oui." I agree. I am ready, for the trip at any rate. Maybe things will be slow enough it won't matter now. Maybe Cosima isn't interested in having sex with me immediately. Maybe it will work out.

Cosima almost skips to keep up with me, a wide smile playing out on her face. I find myself wanting to indulge her, to be closer. Anything I can have.

"What? What is it?" Cosima asks when she notices me watching her as we approach the metro station.

"Tu es belle, Cosima." I tell her honestly. I can tell her that much and I can tell how much it pleases her.

"Even with the super short hair?" Cosima prompts running one hand across her head. It's true, her hair isn't even an inch long. But that doesn't matter.

"With any sort of hair." I reply.

"Mmmm." Cosima hums back at me. She interlaces our fingers as we descend down to the metro station and I'm so happy I could burst.


We arrive at the hostel before 4 pm, we check in and are given a carefully worded caution to lock any valuables in the lockers provided. The room has two sets of bunkbeds, Cosima claims the top bunk and locks away a few items. I toss my backpack onto the lower bunks and sort through my belongings. Other than my wallet and my identification I didn't bring any valuables. The gold studs in my ears are the only jewelry I bought. I was prepared, at least for staying in a hostel.

"I don't think anyone wants to steal our clothes." Cosima emphasizes, tossing the rest of her backpack onto her bed. I watch Cosima tuck her passport back in the thin fanny pack along with a handful of euros.

"Other than my wallet, I didn't bring anything valuable." I tell Cosima, and realize that I will have to lock it up at night. But there are lockers and we can manage that. Cosima produces a combination lock from her backpack.

"I got you covered. We'll lock up our stuff together." Cosima tells me kindly.

"OK." I agree.

"We could get a hotel room… if you want," Cosima looks at me with concern. "Or we could ask if they have private rooms available. Then you'll just have to share with me."

"Non, that is alright." Sharing a bed with Cosima, being alone all night with Cosima would likely expose me. In more ways than one.

"Alright." Cosima nods, but she doesn't seem too disappointed. "It is cheaper this way. I get it."

"What now?" I look around the sparse utilitarian room to my Cosima. I am here for her, and will have to

"We walk through the red light district- just to see it. And then we get dinner somewhere." Cosima tells me cheerily.

"I'd like that. Dinner anyway." I decide. I'm not sure how I feel about witnessing blatant prostitution but I suppose it will be interesting in a sociological sort of way.

"Think of it like an experiment." Cosima suggests. So I do, we leave the hostel and start walking and I am so comfortable with Cosima it takes a while before Cosima digs a map out of her pocket.

I am not sure what to make of it, sex workers stand in windows in lingerie, some stand out on the curb. No doubt to entice their clientele. Most… most are women. And most people walking along the street are men. Some curious tourists like Cosima and I, some looking to pay for services.

"Legal prostitution. It's a good idea if you think about it." Cosima comments.

"It used to be in France, though, confined to brothels." This much I know. Les maison closes . I don't know much more than that. There's a history of it, of both prostitutes and courtesans.

"I know." Cosima tells me with a laugh.

"You know?" I turn to look at Cosima, unbothered by looking away from the street.

"Yep." Cosima nods. "Paris has an erotic museum too, but it's like brand new. A few of us students went last week. Entire floor dedicated to 'les maisons closes'." Cosima attempts proper pronunciation and I must admit, she is improving.

"Why do you think legal prostitution is a good idea?" I find myself asking without thinking. It certainly wasn't a subject I spent much time thinking about. I knew Paris had a history of it, but so did many other places. Maybe every place.

Cosima looks as though it's obvious. "It's safer… eliminates crime. Everybody is getting tested. Easy access to condoms. And if it is limited to brothels they could screen the clientele. Just safer. No one gets hurt or killed. No men profiting off of it."

We walk through, I blush more than a little at what I see but Cosima is seemingly unimpressed, merely curious.

"Dinner?" Cosima offers finally, realizing that she has made me a little uncomfortable.

"Yes." I agree.

"Does it disgust you?" Cosima asks. "What we saw?"

"Non." I respond honestly. "People… have needs. Some pay to get them met. It's a service like any other." It was strictly about sex and pleasure after all, men's pleasure but pleasure all the same.

"I just find it interesting to see. It's not hidden here. The Dutch are… very liberal." Cosima smirks again. "But I swear I am just here for the pot and the gay clubs. Speaking of which, how about a small detour?"

I lower my voice. "Are you sure you can trust the suppliers here?" I try to assure myself my concern is only for Cosima's safety. I know if she asked I'd smoke it with her. But on my own I am not eager.

"I… I guess so? I know I can't buy much. I don't want to risk getting caught with it in France." Cosima grimaces again.

We stop at a coffee shop where Cosima buys a small amount of cannabis without much fanfare. I watch Cosima roll a joint.

"Do you have a lighter?" Cosima asks me. I don't and she marches back into the coffee shop to get a light. She emerges toking thoughtfully on the joint.

"Do you want me to try it?"

Cosima looks me over. "Do you want to try it?"

I consider it thoughtfully. I certainly don't much care for the smell, but I do want to impress Cosima. I might as well. And my curiosity, there's that as well. "Oui."

I take a small drag, holding the smoke briefly in my lungs before exhaling. It doesn't feel much different than smoking a cigarette. It certainly isn't difficult. Not that I smoke often.

"Hot." Cosima pronounces me. She takes the joint back. "Come on, let's go find a bench and enjoy how much no one cares."

"Alright." I agree. "Can I have more?"

"Sure." Cosima laughs. "We'll share it."

I take another long drag and Cosima smiles happily at me and kisses me gently on the cheek. We finish the joint on a bench somewhere.

We both get hungry, and after dinner we return to the hostel earlier than planned. I stare at the ceiling considering Cosima's nose ring. Cosima's body. The memory of her kiss. Cosima for her part laughs at me. Maybe I could have Cosima. Maybe Cosima really wouldn't be able to tell. Maybe what she'd want to do to me wouldn't be as revealing as I worried.

"Dude, you're so baked." Cosima giggles again.

"Aren't you?" I giggle, and turn to look at Cosima.

Cosima shakes her head. "Not as much as you."

It takes me a long time to fall asleep. And my sleep is interrupted. Too many people. Too many voices. I am half convinced that one of the girls on the bunkbeds across the room is having sex with a boy. I can even hear his grunting. I blink myself awake and look over. Apparently that is happening.

"It's supposed to be a girl's dorm! Not mixed!" I hear Cosima holler out from above my head. "Fuck… Delphine… Try telling them in French."

"C'est les filles seulement ici!" I groan out, then move to put my pillow over my ears. Hearing Sébastien like that through the wall was more than enough. I didn't need to hear or see some strangers making love aggressively less than two metres from where I was sleeping.

The young man finishes, and then quickly moves to dress and leave. I keep my eyes averted, a glimpse of his buttocks had been more than I wanted to see.

"Hostels." Cosima mutters above me. I wonder just what I'd gotten myself into once again.


Cosima shakes me awake in the morning. Between the cannabis and the interruptions to my sleep I find myself still exhausted.

"Hey. I brought you some breakfast." Cosima offers me a pastry and a styrofoam cup of coffee.

"Merci." I thank her and sit up.

"Maybe you were right." Cosima admits. "Maybe we should have stayed in a hotel. I know we talked about it yesterday. And if you want to, we could."

"Because of the girl having sex?" I ask between tired bites of pastry. I do not like hostels. That much I have decided. I wondered absently if it were too late to ask at reception if we could switch to a private room for just Cosima and I.

"Because of… a lot of things." Cosima sits beside me and leans into my side. "I figured this morning we could ride the tram to the Van Gogh museum. Then the sex museum after lunch."

"A museum day?" That sounds pleasant enough. And it is. Cosima and I happily explore the Van Gogh museum, she purchases a small book as a present for her mother. And I enjoy it. It's the same simple fun we'd been having in Paris. It's enough. It's more than enough.

We break for lunch, stopping at a small café. It's pleasant enough.

"Thanks for coming with me." Cosima tells me.

"I am happy you let me. It's been fun." I agree readily. It has been fun.

"And after dinner, we go to clubs." Cosima smiles again. "I wanted to last night but you were… you were high and I didn't want to risk anyone taking advantage of you."

"Gay clubs?"

"Yes." Cosima tells me firmly. "We only have one night left. I don't want to go to a club full of men. Well… straight men.. Gay men aren't going to bother with us."

"OK." I agree quickly. If that is what Cosima wants.

The sign above the museum makes me laugh. Venustempel Sexmuseum. It's just erotic art, I tell myself. And I know, I cannot let myself react.

The giant penis sculptures have me trying to stifle a fit of giggles and Cosima looks at me warily. "Don't get too excited, Delphine."

"I am not excited." I tell Cosima. "I just… I don't typically see giant stone penises."

"Who does." Cosima nods, once again entirely calm. We make our way though various exhibits, including far too many stone figurines with giant genitials performing fellation.

"Is this hot to you?" Cosima asks, pointing to one.

"Non. Not particularly." I answer honestly.

"Just wondered." Cosima continues on. "Humans have always been horny… clearly."

We wander through the museum, and it's fine enough, eventually the erotic art shocks me less and less. I see more genitals than I have ever seen in my life, but I don't react. Simply shrug if Cosima asks me about the many heterosexual couplings depicted.

"It's just art… not real life." I mutter out.

"Yeah. But it's hot to you, right?" Cosima looks me over carefully, and I know I must feign more of an interest. It is interesting, particularly the older erotic art. But it doesn't excite me the way it seems to excite Cosima.

We stop again at a display of old erotic photos this time featuring women and Cosima observes them all closely. I look but try not to think too much about it. About what Cosima might want from me.

"Now this is what I'm talking about." Cosima grins at it. "Not nearly enough cunnilingus in life or art."

I blush and laugh. I shouldn't be surprised that this is what Cosima likes. Her focus at looking at the homoerotic displays, that makes sense. This interests her and yet I struggle to stop from laughing. I try to picture Cosima doing this with Lori, hoping that it will quell my own reactions. Keep me from picturing anything.

"You've never?" Cosima quickly turns her head to look at me.

"Done this?" I point at the picture of one woman performing oral sex on another. "Non. I haven't."

"You're missing out." Cosima advises me, before pulling me along to the next display. For a moment, I am reminded of my mother going on about Marc. But I let it go and continue to follow Cosima. To enjoy her company as I receive a vicarious sexual education.

We finally escape the museum, after Cosima has taken a few pictures of herself next to some obscene exhibits and step back out onto the street.

"That was fun." I tell Cosima. And it had been, the company had made it for me.

"I'm glad you thought so. I figured it'd be more fun than the torture musuem." Cosima nods wisely at me. "Ket

I laugh. "Pleasure over pain. Good choice."

"Come on, let's get some food and get changed, and then I am taking you out." Cosima practically skips down the street and I must follow.


Cosima leads me through a bar, mostly full of men. The back bar and stools rotate around on a mechanical carousel and I have to admit I am impressed. I see couples, mostly men, grabbing drinks.

I order a drink in english and sip it slowly. We turn at the bar and Cosima is delighted and happy and having a drink of her own.

"Apparently there's an associated club just down the street." Cosima tells me. "I want to dance with you."

I lean into Cosima's space. "I like dancing with you. I just… I want to be with you." I am unsure what other words would be enough. I will have to tell her, somehow but not just yet. I want to enjoy this evening first before I ruin it.

"You do, don't you?" Cosima smiles, shifting herself closer to me. "I know…"

Cosima leans over and kisses me, she feels safe here. I quickly realize. Being surrounded by other homosexuals is reassuring to her and I kiss back. No one pays much attention to us. We are just two more girls enthralled in each other. The men certainly pay us no mind.

"Oh Delphine." Cosima moans, tangling her hands in my hair. She kisses me again deeper and I return the kiss. Kissing Cosima is suddenly the easiest thing in the world. When we're thoroughly breathless and our barely touched drinks are finished before we head out.

I spend the next two glorious hours dancing with Cosima, we hold each other close and move to the music when it is slow. And we jump around dancing when it's not. The club quickly becomes crowded, a sea of people. The music so loud I can barely hear myself think. But there is Cosima. We dance and we kiss, no one bothers us and Cosima's hands are gentle, tentative on my body. It is perfect. So perfect.

"Want to try another club? One more before we go?" Cosima yells to be heard and I nod. I let her lead me from the crowded dance floor. We walk along the street hand in hand, careful to stand away from the trams, and she leads me to a larger club, one with two levels and a huge dance floor. This one busier than the last.

We dance again, moving together on the dance floor. No one approaches us, they read us as together. I realize. No other woman will bother me here as long as Cosima keeps touching me and dancing with me like this. Her hands graze across my hips, brush the sides of my breasts and she kisses me again deeply. I moan into her mouth but know that she won't be able to hear me. No one will with the music blaring. The song is in English, lighthearted pop music and Cosima seems to know it.

I move to take a break, climbing the stairs to the second level, I ask for water. I know I need to hydrate or I'll risk fainting or worse. Cosima trails behind me quickly… not wanting to separate.

"Hey, you OK?" Cosima asks loudly.

"Just thirsty. You should have some water too." I sigh, sitting down. My legs and feet are sore again, going clubbing with Cosima exhausts me. But so worth it.

"Good… I just needed to make sure you were OK." Cosima leans in again and strokes my hair affectionately.

"I am more than OK." I tell her, leaning in for another kiss, which she obliges near instantly.

"We should get a hotel room." Cosima announces when she's pulled back. "Otherwise… I will fuck you in the bunkroom. And that could get awkward if you're not like particularly into exhibitionism."

"Non… I can't." I look at Cosima, instantly panicked. I realize where this will lead.

"Why not? You're into me, right?" Cosima looks at me, her eyes suddenly critical. "You clearly love kissing me. Why not do more?"

"I… I'm scared." I stammer out finally. "Cosima… I need to…" I need to tell her, this is it. I take a deep breath and reach for her hand. But Cosima pulls away, her eyes hurt and then angry.

"Fine… if you don't want me I'll find somebody who does!" Cosima huffs off. I sit staring at my water for a good ten minutes trying to figure out how to recoup the situation. I go looking for Cosima when I have gathered my nerve. But I see she is already in the company of a very tall redheaded Dutchwoman, dancing closely like we were before. And when I see them kiss, I go to leave. I might as well leave Cosima to it and go back to the hostel. I try to crush down my jealousy.

I leave without a word, not bothering to tell Cosima I have left. What is the point? This stranger can make love with Cosima… and I cannot. I try not to cry on my way back to the hostel. This is my fault. I created this situation by refusing Cosima. If I will not have her, clearly someone else will.

I lock my belongings up and climb into bed in the empty room. With no one here on a Saturday night it should be easier to sleep. At least until Cosima or the other girls return.


I wake too easily when the door to the bunkroom swings open. I hear footsteps but try to tune them out. I don't move, don't open my eyes in case it is something else I do not want to see.

"Delphine?" Cosima's voice calls softly but I feign sleep. I shouldn't be awake. I shouldn't be aware. I feel her hesitate next to my bunk, but I keep my breathing deep and even. Even as Cosima lays her hand against my shoulder. I certainly don't want to talk to Cosima about her going off with some Dutch girl for sex instead of me.

I feel her hand stroke my hair for a moment or two. This confuses me. Cosima was angry. Cosima had gone off with that girl. But there's only one set of footsteps and I hear Cosima removing her clothing, changing for bed I guess. Maybe Cosima had decided to come back early? Maybe she changed her mind? I have no idea what time it is or how long Cosima's been gone.

I hear Cosima slip into her bunk. And I start to drift off again, it must be late. But it cannot be too late, the other two bunks are still empty. Perhaps those girls wouldn't return tonight. From the other bed I can hear her moving, rustling around in the blankets, the sharp intakes of breath.

I keep my breathing slow, continue feigning sleep, even as I become sure of what Cosima is doing. She's touching herself, and I can hear every minute of it. And I can tell she is trying not to make any noise, despite the wet sounds I can clearly make out. How is she still so aroused? Just like this? Or was Cosima left somehow unsatisfied?

Instantly my mind is filled with images of Cosima, mouth agape and moaning in ecstasy. I wonder what it would be like to touch her. To kiss her without reservation. To be able to give Cosima what she wanted. I try to picture it, making love with Cosima. Being the cause of her pleasure. Something I cannot do.

I feel an unfamiliar tension, a tightening in my own sex, my own body. I force myself to lie very still as Cosima clearly finishes, she lets out a low moan and goes still once more.

"Je t'aime." I whispered when I was certain she was asleep. "Je t'aime, Cosima."

In response there is only silence, and the soft slow breathing of my would-be lover.

My emotions were undeniable, the way Cosima seemed to ignite everything inside me. Just being around her was the greatest high I'd ever felt. I've fallen in love.