We sit in a somewhat awkward silence on the train back to Paris. I assume Cosima's awkwardness is to do with me leaving her in the bar. Mine, from what I witnessed last night.
I wonder what our friendship will even be after this. I try desperately not to think of last night. Our last night in Amsterdam. Hearing Cosima like that wasn't something I would forget easily. Try as I might it's been on my mind all morning.
"Delphine?" Cosima asks, she's stood up and began moving around our train car. I remain seated, at least we have the car to ourselves for now.
"Oui?" I return my attention to the present and the fully dressed, composed Cosima before me.
"It doesn't have to be all or nothing." Cosima paces in front of me, hands moving rapidly through the air.
I stop, taken aback. "What do you mean?"
"You and I…" Cosima turns to look at me. "I mean, as long as you're ok with me… meeting my needs elsewhere. We can have something. If you want to."
"What something?"
"Kissing. Dating. Traveling." Cosima gestures it out. "Friendship. Long drawn out debates on the possibilities of genetic engineering and stem cell research. Like everything else and if it changes? Great. And if it doesn't… that's OK too."
"So you want… kissing and… romance with me and … sex with strangers?" I try to piece together what Cosima is offering me. It doesn't seem right. I bite my lip and look back at Cosima. Sure enough, she looks completely serious.
"Yeah. OK it sounds less great that way." Cosima looks back at me. "I just… I thought it'd be a solution."
"It is a solution." I cannot help but agree. One that would be easier for me, at least until I tell her. But what if Cosima falls in love with someone else? What if she finds more than pleasure with one of her lovers? What then?
"And I am only here until September… that is… that's part of your reluctance, right?" Cosima looks at me, dark eyes soft and fixed on my own face. "I mean I hope that's the bigger part of it, because otherwise it's about my body and that… that doesn't feel so great."
I nod in agreement. I had certainly thought about that. That whatever Cosima and I could have would be incredibly temporary. Then, whatever happened or didn't, we would be an ocean apart. Maybe it was foolish to fall in love with her. Either way it is too late now.
"And turning your life and identity upside down just to have me leave… I get why you would be scared of that." Cosima tries understanding, her hand clasped warmly around my own.
"Oui. C'est ça." I agree easily. This… this is easier. My unease doesn't fully leave me, even as I move to lean against Cosima's smaller form.
"We can… we can take our time. And if we get nowhere… oh well." Cosima gestures this out, ending with a shrug.
"It doesn't bother you?"
"No. It doesn't." Cosima seems certain enough. So maybe I should be too.
Four days later Cosima surprises me outside of my lab. I had been trying to be productive, trying to catch up in my coursework. Cosima was ...distracting.
"Cosima!" I greet her with delighted surprise.
"Hey Delphine… are you bored?"
"A little." I admit. This class and its lab were both rather easy for me.
"Do you want to go somewhere?' Cosima asks eagerly. I wonder what she has in mind.
"Oui. Where were you thinking?" I find myself thinking about the more romantic places in the city. Having time alone with Cosima away from my suspicious mother and the Lalondes.
"Venice." Cosima looks at me, plainly serious.
I giggle nervously. "But that's far! That is a lot of hours on a train." It's doable certainly, but it would be at the very least a weekend trip.
"Yes but, we would take a night train. We could book a couchette or a sleeper car. Depart before dinner, arrive early morning." Cosima had clearly been planning.
"We could." I agree.
"So…." Cosima tilts her head irresistibly at me. "That's a yes?"
"Oui." As if I could say no. My parents might start to object if we take too many weekend getaways out of France. But Venice with Cosima is an opportunity I cannot pass up.
"Good. Because I already booked it." Cosima laughs. "It's a little expensive, but it works. We'll have supper and breakfast on board and then we will explore Venice."
"We'll need accommodations." I remind Cosima.
"And not another hostel. I promise." Cosima assures me. "And I will find some place with separate beds."
"Separate beds." I repeat nodding. This is an important part of the not having sex with Cosima plan. The plan my baser instincts would like to cast off entirely, while the rest of me sits in indecision. I don't want to make my decision out of fear. Or out of uncontrollable passion. I must find a way to be cautious about this, thoughtful even.
"So I'll figure out accommodations. Or… you can… but we'll need it for two nights, Friday and Saturday."
"I will make it happen." I agree. Surely I can figure out something for us. Something appropriate for friends travelling together and not a hostel.
"OK let's go find a travel agent and grab food from a casse-croûte!" Cosima pulls me by the hand and I find I'm happy to follow.
We hop the train together Thursday evening. I leave my one Friday lab to go. An extra day in Venice will be worth it. Another city of canals and boats. Part of me wonders if Cosima has a interest in these cities for that reason.
Instead of asking, I leave a note for my parents, scribbled hastily on the back of an envelope.
"I just… I want to see it." Cosima tells me on the train. "It's supposed to be beautiful."
"I've never seen Venice." I admit. "It's a long ride." It's not a city my parents had thought to bring me to. Or one I'd really pursued seeing on my own. It had been relegated to the realm of a someday trip.
"Hence the sleeper car." Cosima smiles. "They had a double available, and that's enough for the two of us. I didn't want a shared couchette after our hostel experience."
"How… How many beds?" I certainly didn't want to brave a couchette car after our hostel experience. Though supposedly it would be all women.
"I didn't ask. Two I assume, but could be one. We'll have dinner on the train and then we will find out." Cosima leads on to the dining car with her backpack swinging behind her.
We eat a good meal, both pleased by the offerings and choices and Cosima gets us each a glass of wine with dinner. It's… romantic, certainly. Taking this trip with Cosima.
"What do you say we go full cheesy and go on a gondola ride tomorrow?" Cosima asks me. At first I wonder if she is joking, but she looks entirely serious. The watertaxis are much cheaper, and I thought with our other trip expenses that would make a lot more sense.
"Oui." I agree. "And after, we can get coffee and pastry and sit in St. Marc's square. Explore the bridges and canals."
"Just one warning," Cosima stops me with a smile. "I am definitely going to get lost in Venice."
The sleeper car is small, a double bed and what looks like a small WC with a tiny shower. There's a small sink in the corner, and a table. It's enough, for the night anyway. There is a large window behind the bed, displaying scenery as we continue to pass through France and I smile at it. It is a lovely way to travel. I regard the solitary bed with mild concern.
"Is this okay?" Cosima checks with me first, gesturing between us before climbing in beside me. The bed isn't large but we're small enough to fit easily in double.
"Yes." I turn on my side, "But shouldn't you be practicing your French?"
"Fine... Puis-je coucher avec toi?" Cosima throws out halfheartedly, but I'm sure she's not unaware of the implications.
"Oui." I tell her seriously. Wishing I could have her easily. Wishing this didn't have to be complicated.
"I'll take the outside." Cosima offers. "That way you don't need to worry about falling out."
"Falling out?" I can feel the vibrations of the train moving, a feeling I will no doubt have to get used to to try to sleep, but I doubt it would make me fall out of bed.
"Is that OK?"
"Yes." I agree. I can do this, I can sleep next to Cosima. It's not as if she'll be trying to seduce me. She said she wouldn't and that should make this easy.
Cosima reaches out, putting her hands on my biceps, trying to reassure me. "No pressure. We'll just sleep."
"Of course we will." I agree vehemently. Surely I can share a bed with Cosima without leaping on her like some kind of crazed vole. I watch Cosima turn around to change, and I do the same, quickly pulling on my pyjamas.
I slide into bed and Cosima slides in next to me. I look away at first and then roll to my back so I can see her. She's lying very still, almost as if she too is made nervous by our proximity.
"Veux-tu me câliner?" I ask her when I notice Cosima is staring at me intently, wondering if that is what she wants. To be closer, to hold me.
"Did you just ask me to cuddle?" Cosima raised one eyebrow and tilts her head adorably.
"Sort of?"
Cosima laughs at me, leaning in to give me a quick kiss on the nose. "No offence, but I don't think that's a good idea. You're pretty tempting and while I would absolutely stop as soon as you wanted me to but I'm not up for that level of sexual frustration right now."
"Je comprends." I nod, curling my body away from Cosima's. I am a tease, I realize. Even if I don't mean to be.
We eventually drift off, the soft motion of the train a welcome distraction to my thoughts. I drift in and out of consciousness, as does Cosima.
Sometimes she faces me, a hand near my face. Sometimes she is curled away.
"What time is it?" I murmur, I reach out to Cosima.
"Not quite midnight. Go back to sleep." Cosima presses a warm hand to my back and I let myself drift off again.
It's happening again. I was half asleep when I hear Cosima, her hand moving against her own sex, her moans muffled into a pillow.
At first I'm confused, there's not even a metre of space between us. I turn quickly to find Cosima on her knees on the floor, head bowed.
"Cosima!" I exclaim in shock, taken aback. That she would risk doing this now was shocking. But perhaps, after Amsterdam she believed I would sleep through it.
Cosima startles immediately. "Fuck, you're supposed to be asleep." Her cheeks redden a little and she stops in her motions.
I look her over, and quickly make a decision. "Je veux le faire. Let me do it." I could touch Cosima, I think that much would be easier. Or it should be. Cosima would know what to do.
Cosima stops, pulling her hand from her pyjama bottoms. "You want to do what?"
I push myself up on my bed, looking over at her, unable to see anything beyond the duvet. "Let me…" I open the covers, beckoning her over with my hand.
"Why?" Cosima rolls her eyes. "So you can get angry at me later on and tell me how much you love dick?"
"No…. because I want to touch you." I spit back, my voice fair less calm than I want it to be. "It has been all I have been able to think about for weeks. Kissing you. Touching you."
My words make Cosima shift in front of me. Her features soften and she looks me over for a moment then climbs on to the bed again.
She kisses me hard, arms wrapping around me. I instantly return the kiss, not caring that we are on a train. That the soundproofing in these compartments is likely minimal. This may be my only chance.
"So touch me." Cosima tells me softly, her voice low when we break the kiss, she moves to pull her pyjama bottoms off and tosses them onto the floor beside the bed. I cannot see much in the dark and shadow. A thatch of wiry dark hair, but I reach for her, trying to be brave.
I let my fingers graze against her, cupping her with my hand. The heat surprises me a little. She is wet, wetter than I have ever been. I rub her gently, cautiously,
"Do you like it?" Cosima asks me. But she's soft, vulnerable.
"Oh yes." I sigh at her, stroking her softly. Mimicking what I would do to myself, and it's working.
"Delphine…" Cosima whispers softly up at me. "We should lie down." And we move from our knees to lying down on the bed. I reach back to touch her again, letting my fingers slide against her sex.
"Ooh." I moan, leaning down to kiss her lips again. Needing to kiss her. Needing to love her.
"I want to feel you inside me." Cosima insists, guiding my motions for several minutes before letting go, putting her arms around my shoulders, clutching to me. When I don't enter her quickly enough for her liking, Cosima grips my wrist, she pushes me in and suddenly I am inside her. I close my eyes for a moment, she's warm and wet, my fingers easily engulfed.
"Anything. Just tell me what you want." I respond. I watch her closely, try to move the way she wants me to. I feel inadequate, but I keep moving, keep trying. I kiss her as often as I can, letting our lips meet and cling, trying to pour my love into this encounter. Maybe that can compensate for the rest.
"I wanted this...so badly. I have you inside me… You feel so good." Cosima murmurs up at me, rocking up her hips as she draws me in for another kiss. She's sucking on my tongue when I move again, trying to please her. Trying to be what I need to be. I wish her shirt were off, but I cannot remove it without stopping and I do not want to stop. I don't want to lose my nerve. I don't want to risk Cosima changing her mind.
"Je veux te faire plaisir. Je veux te faire l'amour." I breathe softly. "I want you to be happy… Je t'aime."
"I'm going to show you… I'm going to teach you how to make love to me." Cosima tells me hoarsely. She thrusts her hips upwards, bucking up onto my fingers as she moans again. I am captivated. Her words send heat through my own body, settling between my legs.
I try my best to follow her lead, to give her what she wants. My wrist strains but I keep pushing into her, keep pressing my palm into the small bundle of nerves I know will bring her release. If I can only do it just right. It seems a little rougher than I planned but she wants it. And I will give it to her. Cosima groans, looking up at me with a hazy gaze. I work her gently but firmly, urging her beautiful body towards orgasm.
"Please." I beg her softly, kissing her again, I kiss from her lips to the lobe of her ear and suck softly. I don't know what I am doing. I worry it's too awkward or not good enough, but Cosima helps me. She guides my hand at times and shoves her hips up towards me at others. And it is working. It is enough.
Cosima cries out in response, clutching me to her body, holding me deep inside. I watch her come, she tightens and grips, her muscles clinging greedily to my fingers. It's breathtaking, more beautiful than I thought it could be. I'm more in love than I thought I could be.
"Ohhh." Cosima lets out a long breath, still clinging to my shoulders.
"Was it good enough? Are you happy?" I nuzzle her cheek happily, not needing or wanting to disengage. I'd gotten what I wanted, and now I could hold her freely. I never thought this would feel this satisfying. That something in me would feel complete too.
Cosima sags into my arms only briefly, facing me and enjoying the contact. "Yeah… oh wow." Cosima's breathing heavily. "You … you were so enthusiastic."
"Je t'aime." I promise her, kissing lips, her face. My fantasy was reality. I had Cosima. I had made love to Cosima. And my heart was full. And my secret was safe. I'm still inside her and I reluctantly withdraw my fingers.
"Holy shit." Cosima laughs softly, kissing me back. We slide from the bed to the floor. I pull her to me and kiss her again.
"I cannot get enough of you." I tell her softly, trying desperately to make myself understood. "All of you. This is… this is your body. I can love it too."
"I… I'm falling in love with you, Delphine." Cosima whispers softly before kissing me again. Her strong arms close around me and my heart responds again.
