However, just as the knife clenched by both Ron and Elizabeth made its way into the cake, they heard a terrifying scream.

"Ow! That hurt!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione would have had to order a talking cake. How much did that cost me?"

"Uh, Ron?" Elizabeth asked in a terri-foid voice as she clutched Ron's arm in the most romantic and damsel-esque manner possible. "Did Hermione also order raspberry jam filling?"

"I do not like raspberry jam," Saruman quoted. "I do not like it, Saruman. Oh, wait! I'm Saruman!"

Collin Creevy sighed. "For crying out loud, we all know that you're Dumbledore and that you aren't dead! So stop pretending to be Saruman before he slaps you with a lawsuit."

Dumbledore slunk off muttering to himself.

"Back to the cake," Elizabeth said. "Again, I ask if Hermione ordered raspberry jam filling!"

"I don't think that's raspberry jam," Jim muttered. "I think it's—"

"I am Shmendrick!" Shmendrick jumped out of the cake, frosting stuck to his hat and other awkward places. "I have come for the wizard known as Potter. Harry Potter. He and I have some unfinished business regarding the death of my dear friend the Last Unicorn and my other dear friend Prince Lear, who, in his grief, tragically took his own life." Shmendrick wiped away a tear and some frosting from his eye.

Prince Lear looked up from his bowl of stew. "Hey! I'm not dead, you idiot!"

Shmendrick blinked. "Sorry. It's just been hard to keep track of the body count lately. Anyway, my other dear friend Prince Lear, who, in his grief, tragically and accidentally gave himself a papercut!"

Prince Lear nodded and held up his finger with a Power Puff Girl Band-Aid. "Yes, that did happen! And it hurts! Probably not as much as your injury, Shmendrick."

Shmendrick looked down at his leg. It seemed to be dripping blood. "I've had worse."

"Like when?" Prince Lear asked.

"That one time in that one place when I fought that one dude with that one guy," Shmendrick snapped. "You were there, you should know. Anyway, bring me the one called Harry Potter!"

Everyone stepped aside and pointed to the groaning, drunken mass known as Harry. Ginny had tried to clear his head by giving him more punch, but try as she might, it just wasn't working!

"That's Harry!" Ender said. "That's the man! Harry, someone is asking for you." Ender helped Harry to his feet.

"You look like a moose," Harry said to no one in particular.

Shmendrick smiled darkly and pulled out his wand. "Finally. My moment of revenge."

Harry drunkenly picked up his wand and promptly dropped it again. Ender sighed, picked the wand up, and forced it into Harry's hand.

Shmendrick lifted his wand into the air with much flourish.

And the kitchen door flew open.

"Magic, do as you will!" Shmendrick shouted.

And the puce-colored beam shot out of tip of the wand and landed on the army of bunnies that had just emerged from the kitchen, led by Jake riding an RC car.

Susan screamed and jumped into Frodo's arms. "Demon bunnies!"

Then the room was filled with sparkly pink smoke. The Barbie Crack Dream had returned. As the smoke cleared, the wedding party suddenly realized that the bunnies were gone and they were being stampeded by a herd of llamas.

Chaos ensued. The punch which was now 200 proof splattered all over the floor where it began eating through the second-rate finish on the gym floor. Apparently the floor's condition was the only detail Hermione had left out.

Not that she cared at that moment as she and Victor snogged in the corner, oblivious to the world. Much like Ron and Elizabeth, who had found another corner and had forgotten about the cake, the llamas, and pretty much the whole wedding.

When the llamas were finally cleared, the triage began. Dumbledore, formally known as Saruman, lay on the floor, arms broken and hoof prints in his back. No one could find Lavendar's glass eye. Edmund's laptop lay shattered on the ground, and Edmund mourned its loss. His life no longer had meaning. Twig was scanning the bodies in a desperate search for Maugin, unaware she was searching for him in the same manner on the other side of the room. Ender and Jim were looting the bodies, much like Susan who had managed to find her dream engagement ring on one of the upper-class corpses.

"This is the one I want, Frodo!" she cried in jubilation. "This is it!"

The Wonder Girls, aka Rand's harem, were bawling over a cluster of credit cards that had been torn and trampled in the onslaught. Rand showed emotion of the opposite.

Han, Marcos, and Collin had found the whole thing quite amusing and had fortunately caught it all on video. The Tonight Show, here they came!

Link, Zelda, Petunia, and Snape were sitting in the corner on a card table, sipping tea and giggling at the state of affairs. Several fairyless bottles lay scattered about them.

And the only person besides them who was uninjured was Harry, laying, still drunk, in the middle of the floor.

"He's alive!" Ginny said happily as she pushed away the bleeding bodies that lay atop her. "He's all right!"

But then the Ellimist appeared, popping out of Elsewhere and grabbing Harry. "Shmendrick, you fool! This is how it's done!"

The Ellimist then grabbed the reception registry pen, which had conveniently ended up nearby, giant peach feather still intact, and thrust it towards Harry's eye.

"No! Harry!" Ginny squealed as she saw what was about to happen.

But her cry was not the only one. "I'll save you, Harry!" cried Jake the Llama.

Susan shrieked again and once more jumped into Frodo's arms. "Demon llama!"

Jake the Llama, with a powerful leap, smashed into Harry, knocking him out of the Ellimist's fateful grasp. As the pen struck Jake's flesh, his fur disappeared and he morphed into his natural human form--

In nothing but tennis shoes and blue-striped socks.

Many girls squealed in delight.

Jake the Human looked down to realize his awkward plight. Snagging a tablecloth, he made himself a very convenient fuchsia toga.

The Ellimist, having been thwarted, angrily raised his hand to destroy Jake the Human.

But then Officers Dick and Jane wandered in.

"We brought donuts!" Officer Jane said happily. "We thought it would be—"

The donut box dropped as she noticed the damage.

"Who is responsible for this?" Officer Dick demanded.

Everyone pointed to the Ellimist.

"Hey, Dick," said Officer Jane. "Isn't that the guy from that "Universe's Most Wanted" poster?"

"I'm calling in back-up," Officer Dick said, pulling out his walkie-talkie.

The Ellimist assumed he had time to flee, but just then the door opened once more and in stepped Agent J, who proceeded to slap a pair of handcuffs on the Ellimist's wrists.

The wedding guests gathered around the door as the Ellimist was drug off to the cop car. Agent J didn't even bother to flash the neurolizer. As the Ellimist, master of the universe, was shoved into the back seat, a slow applause arose from the guests.

"But I control space and time!" the Ellimist said.

"But I don't care," Agent J replied in a snooty voice.

"But I alter fate and destiny!"

"Not today, buddy."

"But I am the most powerful being in the universe!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. Aliens like you make me sick."

And Agent J climbed into the driver's seat and took off, tin cans and crepe paper dangling from the back, along with a banner reading "Just Married." Lucy and Susan had decorated the wrong car.

Little Red Riding Hood made her way through the crowd to Jake. "Oh, Jake! You are my hero! You were so brave to save Harry!"

Jake looked her up and down. "Do you really have to go to your grandma's house, sweet thing?"ar

They then proceeded to the last remaining corner in the cultural hall. Everyone could hear high-pitched giggling coming from this corner the rest of the night.

Which, happily enough, continued any major interruptions—as long as you didn't count the ninja falling from the ceiling, which Tad decided made it a party, and commenting the cake looked like Ron, Luke using the Force to make himself dance better than Neville and falling and spraining various body parts of himself and others, and the realization of the truth of the stew. Prince Lear collapsed in tears and really attempted to kill himself with the wedding cake knife.

But other than those incidents, it was a good time for all involved. Harry and Ginny announced their engagement, Twig and Maugin found one another, Edmund decided to give up technology altogether and become a hermit, and Luke was taken to the hospital by Officers Lucinda and Jane, where he was promptly introduced to Nurse Betty—the next addition to his polygamous way of life.

After the wedding was over and the guests had departed, Ron and Elizabeth wearily realized there was no one left to help them haul out their gifts. Then they noticed Saruman's truck (which Dumbledore had stolen as part of his disguise) and the keys still in the ignition. They drove it off to the hotel, where they were too tired to have a real honeymoon night.

The End!