I am happily kissing Cosima on the floor. Never minding that the floor is cold, almost humming with the movement of the train, or that neither of us is fully dressed. Cosima wears only her t-shirt, her pants having been discarded for our lovemaking. I am more aroused than I have ever been in my life, and yet, I don't really want anything. I am content.
"We made love." I purr into Cosima's ear. I want to heighten this experience emotionally for her. I want it to mean just as much to Cosima. I want her to fall deeper in love with me, want to cement our connection.
"We did. On the train!" Cosima smiles back kissing me again. "I didn't think you'd… you'd just like...do me."
"I wanted to." I tell her. "Tu… Tu es mon amour ." I try to emphasize.
It works, Cosima begins kissing me ravenously again, her hands catching on my pyjamas, one hand moves to slip under my shirt and I whimper in response.
"But we weren't even naked." Cosima laughs as she breaks the kiss, indicating her sweaty t-shirt and my pyjamas still on. We were a mess of sweat and other fluids, but…. I couldn't bring myself to care. So what if sex was messy. I had had Cosima .
"I'm sorry. I should have undressed you." It's true, I should have . There was still so much of Cosima's body I haven't seen. Haven't touched. Haven't kissed. It doesn't seem right. I will have to rectify that at some point.
We climb back onto the bed, Cosima's travel clock reads 4:59 am. We have hours until breakfast. I realize just how imperfect this is. Making love in a unplanned frenzy in transit does not feel nearly romantic enough for how much I feel.
"We can still get undressed." Cosima's whispering in my ear between increasingly heated kisses.
"We could wait until we're in Venice if you want. More privacy." I offer. I'm certainly willing to wait a little longer for more. "We don't have to rush, Cosima."
"I don't think I can wait Delphine ... fuck I just wanna..." Cosima swallows, dilated pupils staring at me, "I just want to make you come."
"Cosima." I whimpered despite myself. I couldn't let her. I need to come clean first. I let her kiss me again, deeply, her tongue stroking at mine, her body pressing into my own.
"Just try it." She offeres hopefully. "I know it's going to be good for both of us. You feel so good."
"I know I said I love you." Could I tell her now? Would she still reject me after what we shared? Would my virginity even matter now? Maybe Cosima would just touch me gently. Maybe it didn't have to be a big deal.
"Yeah. You did..." Cosima grins. "And I know you'd rather be here with me than anyone else."
"It's true."
"So let me do this... let's try..." Cosima speaks softly, fingers stroking my hair. "I can please you. I promise."
"Okay." I nodded.
Cosima undresses herself until she is fully naked before me. And she is beautiful. I cannot stop looking at her. Cannot stop from smoothing my hands over her fair olive skin. Her breasts are a little fuller than mine, her nipples a darker hue and I find it all captivating.
"Hey… it's your turn now." Cosima teases me, kissing me deeply as she shifts her body over mine. I whimper, letting Cosima undress me. Trying to be confident, trying not to shudder at the new sensation of hands on my bare skin. She removes my pyjama pants and takes a moment just to look at me. I see her eyes looking down, the messy thatch of wiry light brown hair catching her attention. She smiles at me and runs a hand over me lightly and I gasp in response. This is happening. I try to quell my nerves but it's difficult.
Cosima lowers her voice, hovering above me. "I want to be inside you, Delphine." She rolls her hips laying her weight against me, she kisses me deeply and rolls her hips again. She is trying to excite me, I understand this. I cling to her kissing back, trying to decide my next move.
I think, briefly, of refusing this. But then again this isn't supposed to be a big deal to me. "Yes. Be inside me." I tell her instead.
She presses firmly, two fingers circling my entrance. My anxiety increases by the minute. I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm supposed to feel.
"You feel so good." Cosima groans, pushing in slowly. My body slowly yields, I feel a little stretching and pressure more than pleasure. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I had been warned this wouldn't feel great, at least with a boy. I had hoped with Cosima it would be different.
"Cosima... I..." I moaned, feeling her fingers thrust into me again, gathering more wetness from within me. All I could seem to manage were words of love. "Je t'aime." I tell her instead, surely my love for her is more important than the rest? What if Cosima could tell somehow? What if I did something weird?
"You're making this hard." Cosima chokes out, stilling her fingers inside me. "You're like really nervous. You're tensing up everywhere. You need to relax, Delphine. Or I am going to have to stop."
I hummed and whimpered in response. "I'm sorry." Her fingers are insistent, they push inside me, and then again deeper. I had been expecting pleasure, instead I find it awkward even as my body adjusts. It isn't painful, I decide and it is Cosima. And I want her. Physical sensations aside.
"Oh shit... you're crying," Cosima stops suddenly, "We can stop." I didn't realize I was crying. Maybe from nerves? Feeling overwhelmed? Either way I must find a way to make this encounter mean more to Cosima.
"Non! Non!" I bite my lip. "Don't stop. Never stop. I love you!" I worry Cosima will be able to tell, I need to act like this is nothing. I try telling her in her own language. Maybe that will reach her more.
"Okay... Okay..." Cosima resumes her slow tender movements. It feels awkward, but I wrap my arms around her and try to pull her in to kiss. But Cosima seems different somehow while I'm kissing her now. Maybe I've done something wrong.
"Is this OK?" I ask softly, she's looking down at me, her expression becoming less soft by the minute.
"Delphine… have you done this before?" Cosima looks increasingly concerned. Her brown eyes fixed on my face. She is still inside me, but her fingers have stopped moving entirely.
"Non." I look up at Cosima, and shake my head. Lying was no longer an option. I must have done something or failed to do something.
"Like… never… right?" Cosima appears to be cluing in extremely quickly.
"Never with anyone." I admit softly. "I…" I cut myself off. Cosima's figuring it out on her own anyway.
"Why didn't you say something before now?" Cosima stops, gently pulling her fingers out of me.
"I was embarrassed so I… I lied at the beginning. I didn't know then that I'd fall for you." I try to sound apologetic, but naked on my back beneath her I feel vulnerable.
"I figured that out like two minutes ago." Cosima informs me with a long sigh. "So you're a virgin? Have you ever done… like anything sexual?"
"Yes. I was… anyway." I'm not anymore. Not after making love to Cosima. At least I don't think so. I bite my lip again before answering the second part. "I've kissed boys. I made out a little. But no one's clothes came off." I leave out how boring I'd found it. I cannot have Cosima even considering that her touch bores me.
"You could have just told me the truth." Cosima tells me, annoyance clear in her voice. "I needed to know this before now ."
"I was afraid." I try to explain.
"Of what?!" Cosima raises her voice, climbing off of me and grabbing her shirt, she pulls it back on. Wanting to cover herself from me again.
I roll to my side, drawing up my knees. I don't want to see the betrayed look on Cosima's face. "That you'd think I was pathetic. That you'd lose interest in me."
Cosima sighs behind me, burying her face in her hands. "I didn't want to fuck a virgin. I didn't even want a straight girl. I wanted another lesbian."
"I'm sorry."
"And…. this isn't against you or anyone. It's just harder. " Cosima gets angry and smacks the bulkhead. Before pacing again. "Fuck… Delphine…"
"I am sorry, Cosima. It was never my intention to deceive you." I tear up at her distress, unable to help myself especially as I see Cosima crying too.
She steps into the small W/C, leaving me alone. I feel more vulnerable than expected. Left alone in this bed. It feels wrong, empty. And I cannot stop my own hurt.
It feels too long, I cry a little bit, but endeavour to be quiet. I don't want any complaints to staff. I'm not sure I could handle it if Cosima were to hear me crying either. There might already be complaints from the noises Cosima had made earlier. I hear Cosima cry through the thin walls and eventually, she comes back. It's still not even six am. I don't know how we'll get through the rest of this night. How do you move on from this?
She is still angry, I assume at first. I look up at her. Her eyes red from crying. But Cosima seems calmer.
"Cosima?" I shift further back on the bed, trying to make room for her. I haven't bothered to dress, unlike Cosima who is back in her pyjamas.
"Come here." Cosima cajoles me as she slides into bed. She wraps her arms around me and kisses me softly. Then my cheek, then my forehead. There is affection here at least. I sink into it, a bit embarrassed of how needy I am.
I sniff a little. "You… you still want me?" I feel a little hopeful. Maybe, maybe everything would be okay after all.
"I want to hold you. We… we don't have to do anything." Cosima tells me firmly. "I just… I don't want to leave you feeling abandoned right now."
Cosima's tone makes me wonder. I decide to ask. "What was your first time like?"
Cosima is silent a long time before she responds. "Worse than this."
"What do you mean?"
Cosima turns, she looks up at the ceiling instead of at me and I move to cuddle her. To have some closeness with her. "When I was 16… I had a boyfriend."
"You had a boyfriend?" I repeat dumbfounded.
"Yeah. It was a huge mistake. We… we shouldn't have ever been a thing. I mean… I liked him as a friend. He was attractive enough but… no desire on my end at all."
"You made love with him." I realize quickly. I struggle to picture it, Cosima in bed with a boy. Cosima doing that . It seems wrong somehow. But surely some people were more sexually flexible than others?
"Uhh if you want to call it that." Cosima looks at me, her face suddenly very somber. "I wouldn't. I hated every minute of it."
"I'm sorry." I cannot do much but apologize. I rest one hand on her clothed shoulder. Seeking some sort of closeness.
Cosima shakes her head, as if that could clear my concern. "People make stupid decisions. That was one of mine. We broke up within a couple weeks of that. And then… I started to admit to people that I was a lesbian. I… I was in love with a friend of mine and we… we had a thing for a while. When I made love with her… that felt good. That felt right."
"You felt good." I jump to assure Cosima. "You felt right… I promise. Je t'aime."
"But you didn't enjoy having me inside you." Cosima points out. "It felt weird. Maybe even painful. It was pretty obvious you weren't into it. Maybe I wasn't gentle enough. I'm sorry."
"You… you were fine." I try to assure Cosima. "I wanted you." It is essential that Cosima believe that much. She must understand the depth of my feelings for her.
"Not good enough." Cosima tells me, shaking her head. "I didn't want to deflower anyone… and here I am, in love with a French virgin."
"But you did… you deflowered me." I remind her.
"Not enough…We… we didn't finish. So…" Cosima shrugs from her place on the bed. "Kind of interrupted, you know?"
"It wasn't enough?" Why must this be so complicated with women? Shouldn't this experience count for something?
"I cannot decide that for you." Cosima shrugs. "But we… we didn't finish ." Cosima emphasizes my lack of orgasm as if it is shameful. I blush without wanting to, biting my lip. I don't know what to do now.
"I tried, Cosima… I tried to lose my virginity before we went to Amsterdam but… I didn't manage it." I turn to honesty.
Cosima turns to face me, looking at me in bed. "What do you mean you tried ?"
"I asked Marc. But he refused me." I don't want to get into the details. I hope Cosima won't ask too many questions.
Cosima looks back at me dumbfounded. "You said you didn't want him."
"I didn't and I don't! But you didn't want a virgin." I try to fight tearing up. "I didn't want to be a liar. And I wanted you!"
"Do you still?"
"Yes."
"I'm happy Marc turned you down. A little surprised actually." Cosima rolls over to face me once again. "Here, let me hold you a while."
I do, unsure of what else to say.
Eventually we get up, I dress as quickly as possible. I can feel Cosima's eyes on my body. She is still looking at me. We eat breakfast and Cosima avoids the subject of sex. Or maybe we both do. Too embarrassed to push further.
"Let's go." Cosima states, pulling me from the dining car once we've arrived in Venice. "Time to go."
"What do you want to do first?"
"So what now?" I ask Cosima, trailing after her with my backpack on. Are we friends? Are we lovers?
"Well, I had grand romantic plans for our weekend." Cosima admits. "Exploring Venice with you. Eating delicious Italian food. A gondola ride in the evening… I… I really wanted this trip to be something special."
"Were you planning seduction?"
Cosima smirks at me. "Maybe a very very slow seduction. I am not really sure how I am feeling about all that right now."
"Alright." I agree. "Do you want to go to St Mark's square first?"
"Yes." Cosima answers decisively. "I want to explore Venice with you."
I move to follow Cosima, guiding her towards the taxis not far from the train station.
"It's beautiful." Cosima looks around us and I am keen to agree. The dark water of the canals, the collections of various boats, the cobblestones and beautiful tall old buildings. It is as romantic as I had thought, even more so in Cosima's company.
"It is and so are you." I tell Cosima openly, going to hold her hand. I am going to make the best of this trip. No matter if Cosima will not make love to me again. I can enjoy this, and I can love her, the best I can.
