Cosima seems to enjoy the water taxi ride, as we both get our first views of the city. It is more beautiful than I thought. Even though I suspect a lot of it is to cater to tourists. The tall buildings, the piazzas, it is much like I've seen in photographs. And it would have been perfect, perfect for romancing Cosima. Instead I think back on an old dream.

"You know what I've always wanted to do?"

Cosima turns to face me briefly. "What?"

"I want to come to Venice for the masquerade. But it's in February." I sigh. "Not great weather to travel." And it's true, I had wanted to since I had read a book about it last year. Though, it was a novel and stumbling through Venice in the fog is likely less enjoyable in real life than a mystery novel.

"I think June will be nicer." Cosima laughs at me. "Plus you could just like, buy a mask. And wear it."

"People will think I am some sort of weird criminal." I smile back. "Or a very strange frenchwoman."

"Mmm… a little strange maybe. But I like it." Cosima tells me. Her eyes still gazing out as our water taxi speeds on to our destination.

We step out of the water taxi and wander along the narrow cobblestone streets to the square. It's larger than I expected, with cafés and shops lining one side of it. A large number of very fat pigeons litter the square. When I see a couple elderly tourists feeding them I understand why they are the size of small chickens.

"Wow." Cosima breathes out looking around us. "It's amazing."

"It is beautiful. Do you want to try to see inside the cathedral?" I try to remember if it is a cathedral or a church. The Doge's palace might be another place for us to tour this morning. I wonder if Cosima has an interest in gothic architecture or if her designs on Venice were purely romantic.

"And wait to be struck down by lightning?" Cosima teases me, raising an eyebrow.

"We will not be struck down. We've done nothing wrong." I insist quietly.

"I read Italy isn't the most accepting place." Cosima looks at me seriously.

"We will be fine." I insist, and I'll make sure it's true. We stroll Piazza San Marco together, and opt to tour the Doge's palace when it opens. It is remarkable, the art, the architecture.

Cosima and I stopped stunned under the ceiling in one room, filled with different paintings.

"Oh wow." Cosima breathes softly. "This… this was worth it."

"It was…" I agree, I lean over to Cosima, try to move my hand towards hers but she shakes her head and quickly pulls away.

"It is beautiful. OK. Maybe I do want to see the Basilica. But not because it was a church, only because it's included in our tour fee." Cosima tells me pointedly. I laugh, remembering how Cosima had refused to enter Notre-Dame in Paris.

"Next up is the prison." I laugh, and Cosima and I follow the tour guide, who is speaking a mixture of Italian and English to the cells. She points out the bridge of sighs, visible through the stonework and we continue. I try to pay attention to the tour. We'd spent money on this, but instead, I find myself watching Cosima.

"This is horrible." Cosima comments as the tour guide leads us through the torture chamber and then to a cell with squeaking wooden floors where she begins weaving the tale of the escape of Giacomo Casanova.

"Was he even a real person?" Cosima whispers to me.

I shrug in response. "I guess so." I hadn't thought much about it, but the stories are certainly amusing. Perhaps like many legends there was a grain of truth, somewhere.

We stay for the basilica, and Cosima digs out her camera again, snapping photos. She lets me photograph her with the scenery and next to interesting buildings and art. The cathedral is beautiful, different but easily the equal of Notre-Dame in beauty. It is difficult to imagine this was constructed to be a private chapel. But I can imagine a Duke of Venice being that full of himself, even if it was an elected position.

"Lunch?" Cosima asks me when we exit the tour back into the piazza.

"Please." I agree easily, and we continue, wandering around Venice, across bridges and down twisting cobblestone roads. But this city, unlike modern Paris, was made for pedestrians, and boats.

"Ooh… this smells good." Cosima points towards a restaurant off the path and I nod in agreement, we enter and browse the menus. Pleased with the selection, Cosima quickly chooses an entree but when the server approaches I order for both of us. My Italian from secondary school is still passable. At least enough for this.

"You didn't tell me you spoke Italian?" Cosima looks at me startled. "But you did order what I wanted so… thanks."

"I am not fluent. I speak some. Enough to get by." I explain quickly. "He probably speaks English honestly. Venice is very attractive to tourists." It's true, this time my parents likely had no qualms about my destination, perhaps about my travel companion.

"Delphine," Cosima tilts her head at me looking at me intently across the table. "We are both tourists."

"Right." Cosima is right of course, here, I am as much of a tourist as Cosima is. Just from a lesser distance. Venice is new to me as well.

"So after lunch, we can check into the hotel, we'll have to water taxi there I think…" Cosima checks the itinerary in a small book where she's made notes.

"That sounds good." I agree. "Drop off our bags. And then… explore some more?"

"I'd like that. I saw a leaning tower earlier. I might go try to find it again."

"Why? We aren't in Pisa?" I tease.

"Just think it's kind of cool. That's all." Cosima shrugs. "Then we can go looking for a mask for you and your weird masquerade fantasy… I'm thinking authentic Italian pizza for supper tonight?"

"Sounds wonderful." I agree easily. "How… how are you feeling after…?" Cosima's eyes close briefly, and I know I have asked the wrong question.

"You lied to me, Delphine. That… that's the worst part." Cosima opens her dark eyes to regard me seriously. "The rest of it? Like… oh well. But the lying …And really.. You only set yourself up for..."

I interrupt Cosima impatiently. "But you know why I did it!"

"Oh… I know why. I kept saying how pathetic virgins are. I even called my friend Scott a pathetic virgin on the phone in front of you when telling him I needed him to pick up my shit from Lori's with his mom's minivan." Cosima briefly covers her face. Embarrassment? Maybe there was part of her that was sorry after all.

"I remember."

"I am not sorry." Cosima looks at me. "I mean… I am sorry if I implied you were pathetic. But I am not sorry for stopping. And I'm not sorry for not wanting a virgin."

"OK." I agree quietly. Unsure of what else I can do.

"You'll be 20 in less than six months Delphine… you did kind of wait a long time to…" Cosima looks pointedly at me again.

"I know that!" I snap back.

"Oh… I hit a nerve." Cosima stops, maybe in surprise.

"Yes. You hit a nerve. I wanted you. I actually wanted you… do you know how remarkable that is for me? To feel like this? The love I feel for you, Cosima…" I drop my voice, cutting myself off as other patrons enter the small restaurant.

Cosima shudders visibly, and grips my hand with one of her own. "Oh Delphine…" She breathes very quietly after a while. "I don't want to talk about this here."

"Then where?" I prompt.

"At the hotel." Cosima swallows thickly, and I know I am getting to her. That I am making progress reaching her again. In the end, Cosima had chosen the hotel.

We finish lunch, Cosima trying to make light conversation with me, but I find myself somewhat impatient. I want to talk about us. I want to talk about something real.


We reach the hotel by water taxi and it is beautiful. A large older palazzo converted into a hotel.

"It is gorgeous." I exclaim.

"Yeah." Cosima responds quietly. We go in and Cosima insists on checking in, the enough of the staff speaking passable English to get by. I wander the lobby, admiring the antique furniture, the grand staircase. I cannot imagine a more perfect or romantic place.

"So the good news… they let us check in early." Cosima gets my attention with a soft hand to my shoulder. She holds up two small keys.

"That is good… what is the bad news?"

"I… couldn't change our room." Cosima tells me softly.

"Why… why is that bad news?" I cannot understand this.

"Well… just… don't freak out when you see it." Cosima mutters, and we climb the stairs, we find room 208 easily, and the door easily unlocks.

I step into a beautiful room, more antique couches and through an open doorway, a large bed with a mounted headboard dominating most of the smaller room. A bathroom with a shower and a clawfoot tub is off another doorway. This… this was expensive. I realize. Cosima must have fronted more than half of the cost. What she'd asked me for wasn't enough.

"This… this is beautiful.. But only one bed?" I look immediately to Cosima who avoids my eyes.

"OK… I… had plans. We weren't supposed to check in until this evening." Cosima explains. "And I was going to get a gondola to take us here… and then we'd step into this room."

"You were going to seduce me." I surmise easily. I can picture it. Cosima cuddled close to me in a gondola, playing with my fingers and whispering in my ear. Cosima pulling me to her on the large bed. Cosima kissing me intently, Cosima slowly undressing me. I shudder unconsciously. That is what we should have had. What we should still have.

"I was… yeah." Cosima sighs. "I just… I really wanted you, Delphine. And I thought, a romantic weekend in Venice with plenty of privacy would help us get there."

"So make love to me." I tell Cosima, quickly dropping my backpack to the wooden floor. "Make love to me now."

"You cannot be serious!" Cosima exclaims, turning to look at me. "After the train ride… what are you on about?"

"Then… let me have you again. You don't have to touch me." I beg, looking at Cosima across the room. The bed is both beautiful, and looks sturdy enough to withstand as much lovemaking as we can throw at it.

"What?" Cosima puts her bag down on the floor and stares back at me.

"I want you." I plead.

"No." Cosima tells me firmly. "We are not having sex again. You lied to me, Delphine. Remember?"

I climb onto the bed and sit in silence for a while. "I woke up to you… Tu étais en train de te tripoter! When exactly was I supposed to tell you?" I realize that I lack a few words from my English vocabulary after all. I don't tell her about Amsterdam. I don't have the heart to right now.

"I know." Cosima puts together what I am saying, either from familiarity or context. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. And I don't know… before I was two fingers deep in you?"

"Were you thinking about this? About your plans?" I ask wildly, waving my hands around the room.

Cosima looks down at the floor. "Yes."

"Then have me." I demand softly. "You can have me. And… maybe I don't know much about sex. But if I had been with men, it would be very much the same, right?" Cosima must have known I wouldn't know much about making love to a woman. Why does it have to be different.

"I'd still have to show you how. Yeah." Cosima nods. "It would… it would be, except the… you not enjoying it part."

"I did enjoy parts of it. And we could… try again." I throw out, there is no reason we shouldn't. It is preferable to trying to do this in my family's apartment. As large as it is.

"You know what I mean." Cosima sighs, flopping down next to me on the bed. "Do you want to go down and see if they can change our room?"

"Non. Absolutely not."

"Delphine… come on." Cosima glances over at me. "Like, you really want to share a bed with me tonight? After everything else?"

"Yes. Please." I pause before continuing, trying to catch Cosima's eyes with my own. "And I want my gondola ride."

"Seriously?" Cosima looks up at me.

"Let's explore around this quartier. And then… we'll take a gondola back." I beg Cosima, who looks at me considering before following me. We sort through our belongings, again taking our valuables with us and only leaving our packed clothes behind.

"You could shower first if you want. I know you didn't on the train. I did." Cosima offers. "I have a book to read."

"Alright." I agree. I am no doubt a bit sweaty, and maybe I should make more of an effort to get Cosima's fantasy back on track.

I emerge, freshly cleaned, in a knee length black dress.

"Perfect." Cosima tells me. "Come on. Let's go out for a bit."

And I follow Cosima out, knowing that whatever comes from this I must still try. I want to too badly. I want Cosima too badly. We stroll the narrow streets, visit various shops, tourist traps and otherwise. Even with a map, we manage to get lost three times in the afternoon.

"It is perfect weather." I tell Cosima. "It was the right time to come to Venice."

"It was." Cosima nods, but there's still a tension in her. I try to take it away by squeezing her hand with my own. By engaging her on stem cell research and what she's reading in French now. I buy us each a small mask, and agree to carry the bag.

"So touristy." Cosima wrinkles her nose at the masks, but hers is red and perfect. A perfect souvenir.

"We are tourists." I remind Cosima. "Do you want to look at clothes?"

"Yeah. I am thinking I might end my butch phase." Cosima laughs.

I puzzle at her wording. "Butch phase?"

Cosima waves a hand down her body. "I… I have been dressing like this for three years. Shaving my head off and on too. If I don't… it curls and…" Cosima trails off. "It's… it's a look. I just… I wanted to be as lesbian as possible. Now… I just… I want to look different."

"You'll look beautiful in anything." I assure a charmed Cosima, and we continue exploring Venice. It is, after all, a very romantic city.


We pass several gondolas after grabbing a quick bite of pizza for supper. I treat Cosima to gelato when we pass a gelateria. I am not sure if I enjoy lemon more than pistacchio, and I lick the sweetness of it off the tiny plastic spoon. Cosima chose only fruit flavours and is currently enjoying blackberry.

"OK. This was a pretty wonderful day after all." Cosima tells me, squeezing my hand. "Thank you."

"Thank you." I run one hand over Cosima's short hair, caressing her face. I watch her soften before me again.

"I guess you're expecting your gondola ride now?" Cosima looks me over.

"I am, yes." I insist softly.

Cosima approaches a gondolier sighing and we manage to barter him down a little to take us back to the hotel. It is still overpriced, and I pay for the ride. I want this. I need this with Cosima.

"First time in Venezia, girls?" He calls at us. "Gondola!" He calls as we pass under the first bridge. He continues his tourist spiel but my attention is on Cosima. We are taken on a scenic route, under bridges and along the grand canal. It is as romantic as I dreamed, reclined on cushions in a gondola, almost cuddling into Cosima. We pass other boats, but I pay them no mind. This is ours. And I won't let nerves take it away. Or fear of what someone else might say.

Cosima finally turns to look at me when I put my arm around her. Our gondolier is again distracted and I choose my moment. Now before we have to disembark.

"Je t'aime." I lean in, whispering into her ear. I push forward, making our lips collide and Cosima whimpers into my mouth, letting me kiss her. I whisper to her again. "J'ai envie de toi. Je veux te faire l'amour."

"Right here in the gondola?" Cosima whispers back, teasing me.

"I would. If he wouldn't throw us out." I respond seriously. And Cosima just sighs and plays with my hair.

We climb out at the hotel, our gondolier now eying us somewhat suspiciously we quickly leave. Needing to get back to our room.

"I'm going to shower." Cosima announces and vanishes into the bathroom. I begin sorting though my bag. Do I have anything...sexy? I consider stripping down to my bra and panties, but opt to remain dressed. Cosima may still say no. Cosima may not want to now.

But at least there had been a kiss. There is hope. And we have time. A couple months left. It will be enough. I tell myself. I briefly look through Cosima's book. La Venus d'Ille. Probably assigned reading from one of her courses. I have read it, years ago, and I smile briefly at the sight.

"Hey Delphine." Cosima returns from the washroom closing the door behind her. Her short hair is still damp from the shower. She's thrown her spare pair of pyjamas back on. Whatever she'd worn on the train packed away.

"Hi." I offer softly. Things had been both wonderful and awkward today. And I wasn't sure how this night would go. If one of us should sleep on the couch. If we'd sleep back to back without touching.

"I need to do this right." Cosima tells me and then she's kissing me intently, gently letting her hands roam my body, sliding them under my shirt as I stand to bring her in closer.

"What right?" I press myself into Cosima, kissing deeply. Stroking her lips and mouth with my tongue when she lets me. We reluctantly break the kiss, I keep my arms wrapped around her small form. I don't want to let go. Maybe I never will.

"I need to make love to you again." Cosima tells me softly. "We're going to do this right this time. If I am going to do this… I have to do this right. I want to finish what we started."

I sigh, and moan softly pulling Cosima into me. I let her press me into the bed, let her stroke my hair. We kiss, and for several long minutes neither of us push forward from letting our lips meet and cling.

"Fuck…" Cosima breathes, breaking the kiss. I rest my forehead against hers, not wanting to completely separate.

"Cosima… Cosima…" I breathe her name which excites her further, and she's on top of me again. She unbuttons my dress and I sit to allow her to remove it. She looks down at me in my bra and underwear, both simple white fabric.

"I want you…" Cosima whines at me. "I want to make this perfect… if I have to be your first. I need this to be perfect."

"Please. S'il te plait." I beg her, hauling her back into kiss. I unfasten her pants with minimal scrambling and pull her t-shift off over her head.

Cosima laughs down at me. Her breasts are bare and I delight in them, I lean up to softly kiss them. I am uncertain, but determined. I kiss along her skin, looking up at her curiously.

"Ohh." Cosima sways. "I… Yes… I like that. You can suck on me if you…" I stare at her nipples a moment, and then I open my mouth. If that is what Cosima wants, she can have it. She can have anything, I think as I taste her skin.

I lean forward sucking firmly and am met with a low groan from Cosima, I repeat the action until Cosima pushes me back by my shoulder, moving her body to sit across my thighs. Straddling me.

"Shit…" Cosima curses and she laughs. "Now lay back and let me do this."

I nod. Cosima undoes my bra with one hand and smirks at me when the clasp pops free. I can only assume she's had lots of practice at this.

"I want you." I repeat. In response she kisses me again, leaning forward to pull first my bra, and then my panties from my body. When I am stripped she looks down at me and smiles.

"Hey gorgeous." Cosima grins at me.

"Hi." I respond before I begin pulling at Cosima's pyjama pants. "Take this off."

"OK." Cosima moves away, shucking off her pants and her underwear before moving back over me. She presses her naked body into mine. Chest to calves and I sigh in response.

"How does this feel?" Cosima strokes me, from breast to hip, looking at me.

"It feels good." I murmur, feeling that somehow she needs to hear it. That she needs reassurance. Her hand moves up my thigh to my sex and I shudder in response.

"And this?" Cosima asks as she begins to lower her body. Fingertips gently teasing against my sex. I am wet, and Cosima softly strokes me. Making no efforts to enter me, she sighs and continues kissing down my body. She sucks one nipple and then the other, but doesn't stop there as I did, she keeps moving.

"It feels good." It is the sort of thing I was expecting. Touching each other. Kissing. Soft skin pressed down against my own.

"Good… I am going to make you want me inside you." Cosima tells me confidently. "I'm going to work you up until you're begging for it. And then… then I will give in."

I moan and bite my lip, but Cosima does little more than lower her body again. She kisses down my ribs and across my belly, stopping only when she reaches the tuft of hair.

"What are you doing?" I prop myself up slightly. This… this is not what I expected. Though, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

"I want to taste you." Cosima explains, nuzzling at the hair. "I want to take you in my mouth."

The idea of Cosima's mouth on me stuns me into silence for a few minutes. I nod, not trusting my words. I remember her fixation with the art of this act.

"Ohh." Cosima breaths softly, she parts me first with her tongue and I almost jump beneath her. I quickly learn to expect the sensations; Cosima's warm breath, the flat of her tongue, the touch of her lips. I watch her, and she is enthralled, she wants this. And I will let her have it.

"Cosima!" I plead with her as she intensifies her motions, and I realize she means to bring me to orgasm like this. This isn't a tease, not some way to prepare me for penetration. This is what Cosima wants.

"Mmmm…" Cosima hums into me, capturing me tightly in her lips. She sucks and presses her tongue rapidly against me. And I keen loudly, I feel like I might burst, like whatever comes after this is bound to overwhelm me entirely.

"Cosima… it almost hurts." I tell her, and she releases me quickly.

"OK... " Cosima tries to catch her breath. "We'll… we'll try something else if that's too intense."

"Intense. Yes." I agree. But I am nearly breathless too and aching, aching for my Cosima.

Cosima raises her head, her mouth wet and chin slick with my own arousal. "Do you want me inside you now? Do you want to feel me like that? Do you want me inside you when you come?" Cosima's voice is wavering and low and I cannot stop the arousal that floods through me at her words.

"Yes…" I sigh and I feel her press into me. It is easier this time. Maybe because I am less nervous. Maybe simply because we'd done it before on the train. Maybe because it is only one finger. She moves so gently, I am amazed.

"Can you take more of me?" Cosima asks. "Do you like it?"

"Oui...Oui,..." I breathe out and I ease into it. I can do this. This can be easy. I can take Cosima. I can love Cosima. I can give her what she wants.

"I'm inside you, Delphine." Cosima murmurs, working softly, she withdraws coating her fingers in my arousal and slowly sliding back in with two fingers.

"Je le sais." I coo to her, pulling her back to kiss again. She obliges me instantly with a deep kiss, she stills inside me for a moment, letting me adjust.

She moans into my mouth and I cry out at the sound. "Je t'aime!" I plead with her. I feel the same strange fullness, but I try to relax into it. I let Cosima take me and I whimper. I take...pleasure in it. And I moan a little more, move a little more with her.

Like her mouth before, it soon gets intense. I become more sensitive, unconsciously clamping down on Cosima as I tighten around her. Her thumb brushes against my swollen sex, likely trying to take me over the edge. She wants me to orgasm, I remind myself, surely… surely I can do that if I don't explode first.

"Just… let yourself come." Cosima pleads with me. "You feel close… what do you need?"

"I don't know." I whimper back and am surprised when Cosima takes me into her mouth again, she sucks softly and it's too much. Far too much. My eyes water and the sensation of Cosima's mouth threatens to overwhelm me again.

"Arrête" I plead finally. And Cosima still, instantly lifting her mouth.

"What's wrong?" Cosima croons at me. "I… I want you to come. I mean, if you still want to."

"It's… so much." I tell her finally. "I… I don't know…" It certainly doesn't feel like this when I touch myself. It doesn't build like this. Doesn't make me cry. And I know I am crying now, I can feel the tears slipping down my cheeks even as Cosima looks up at me tenderly.

"Just relax." Cosima offers desperately. "Just relax and I'll take care of you. Let me try, please."

"OK." I swallow and let Cosima continue, she works me, and I scream or laugh, I am not even sure anymore. When I shudder, she continues to work me and finally I break, releasing and she softly kisses me until I still on the bed.

"Oh Delphine." Cosima kisses up my body eagerly. And I grip her firmly, I kiss her ravenously, and I taste myself on her lips. Is this what it's like to make love with another woman? Am I a lesbian? I wonder aimlessly as I want to lose myself in Cosima again. I want Cosima. I want her pleasure.

"J'ai besoin de toi." I tell Cosima caressing her back. She guides my right hand to her sex and I enter her instantly with two fingers. She is more aroused than before, as if making love to me is the biggest aphrodisiac she could imagine. And maybe it is. I realize as I follow the rhythm Cosima is setting for me.

"Take me… take me…" Cosima pleads. She moves herself over my body, and kisses me again. I push my fingers up and in. I remember last time. I remember what to do. I can make Cosima writhe and climax and cry out. I can be inside her. I can make love to her. And I will.

But unlike last time, it takes only a couple minutes before Cosima orgasms. She lays herself down against me breathing heavily. She kisses my cheek and wraps her arms around me.

"I love you." Cosima tells me, kissing me again. "I love you, Delphine."

I cry again, pushing myself into Cosima. I will have her again, I decide kissing her neck, I graze my fingertips over her sensitive sex and she keens.

"Yes… yes… yes…" Cosima pleads with me. And I am too eager to indulge her. To continue this experiment. To learn what pleasure I can bring Cosima. To learn how to be her lover.