Cosima goes home shortly after a very awkward lunch. My mother watches us eat in irritated silence. And I think she knows exactly what we were doing. There's really nothing much I can say about it. Cosima makes no moves towards me, and quickly excuses herself once she's done eating.
My mother looks at me, but cannot seem to piece together the words of whatever she wants to say. The afternoon slips away in silence, and I try to catch up on my coursework. I must manage to get through it. Finally, my papa returns home. He has brought takeout - not the usual. And I can tell I am in for a very strange evening.
"On doit le parler." My mother tells me sharply and I am not sure what there is to talk about.
"Cosima and I… have become lovers." I say simply. It's not enough. Not enough to encompass the depths of my feelings. Not enough to explain how much Cosima's desire makes me...want her. How I want to fulfill it, to please her. And it feels good.
"Je le sais. Je vous ai entendu en train de..." My mother sighs as she trails off, cupping her face in her hands. I wonder if this conversation will be loaded with childish euphemisms like 'foufounne'. But then again, that won't solve things. Nothing my parents can say will change what has already happened.
I look instead to my father who doesn't seem fussed. My papa is shrugging at my mother. "Elles sont des filles. C'est rien de sérieux." He shrugs. I find myself increasingly enraged as he's telling my mother my relationship with Cosima is just girls having fun. That it won't stop me from having 'normal' relations later. That I'm still young. And this is fine.
"Arrête!" I screech at my parents. "J'aime Cosima… Je l'aime!" I don't want them misinterpreting this. How could they? There was no one I desired, and now there is Cosima. It is simple. I think I should be with Cosima. It makes sense.
My mother shakes her head burying her face in her hands. "Why that? Why her? Delphine… boys have been interested. And you… you just..."
I look down for only a moment, I know what my mother is referring to. I know she heard Cosima's sounds of pleasure. The sounds that drive me to want more, to give her more of whatever she wants. She no doubt heard me call her delicious. But then again, if I had just been lying there and letting Cosima have me, how would that be any better? That would still be desire.
"I had her… and it was beautiful!" I say without shame. "It was beautiful ." My father looks at me, trying to piece together what was just implied and my mother just groans. And maybe that is enough to make them think I am ruined.
There's nothing either of them can say to that, so they say nothing. I am only grateful Sébastien isn't home. Our supper is awkward too. I stay up a while, sorting through my projects and notes. I need to organize. I must finish my courses this term.
I return to campus the next day, my coursework still excites me, as does the possibility of being complete by January but Cosima fills my thoughts. I must look like I am constantly daydreaming. I look for her on campus, but don't see Cosima. I see a few of her friends, but I don't approach. The lanky English boy eyes me as if appraising me, but it is nonthreatening. I find that I am increasingly certain he is gay. And no threat whatsoever.
I go downstairs as soon as I get home. I need to see Cosima. After all the mess, I need to be with her.
"Delphine!" Cosima perks up when she sees me outside her window and runs to the front door to let me in. I know this place, but it's different now. I glance around but find that Marie-Claire isn't home. I do not know if she would mind this taking place in her home. I have no idea what their opinions are on such things. And if they would forbid Cosima and I being together here. It doesn't matter. I can be discreet.
"Cosima." I rush into her arms, I kiss her soundly. I love her, I think as I stroke her face. So much love. "I couldn't find you on campus."
"Yeah… I was only on campus in the morning. My afternoon was clear so I came back to try to catch up on all the coursework I've been neglecting to spend time with you." Cosima winces. "My French needs serious work… so… yeah."
"Can I come in?" I cannot contain my excitement.
Cosima nods, she leads me to her small bedroom. I know it well. All the students stay there. A bed, a desk and a wardrobe. The perfect accommodations for a traveling student. The rest of the room is littered with Cosima's belongings. It's not tidy, but it somehow puts her at ease.
"Things got awkward with my parents." It's an understatement, but I do not want to talk any more about it.
"I'll bet." Cosima puts a hand over mine even as we move to sit on the bed.
"It… It will take a while for them to get over it." I state simply. And they must. "I don't really know what else I can say. They know now that we are lovers."
"You were up to your neck in my legs. Your mother knows you were up to your neck in my legs." Cosima gestures madly. "Like… you might as well just come out."
"Come out." I repeat uselessly. "Come out as what?"
"A lesbian. Or as bisexual. I don't really care about that part." Cosima assures me. "As long as you're into me."
I sigh. I don't know. Other women haven't gotten to me like this. Neither have men. Orientation hadn't been big on my list of priorities to sort out. And maybe, I don't have to right now. Maybe it'll become clearer in time. "I don't really know what I am. How can I tell someone else?"
"As far as your mom is concerned, you're doomed to lifelong chronic lesbianism and it's my fault." Cosima points out. "And how can you not know now? I mean… we were… we were all over each other. And you … we both loved it."
She isn't wrong and yet… I don't know if I'm really a lesbian. If that explains why whatever was switched off with me has altered with Cosima. It doesn't change how I feel about Cosima.
"I love you." I tell Cosima simply, and I kiss her again. "But… I don't know if I am ready to come out… I need… I need to be sure. I didn't even want sex before." I admit. It's humiliating, but Cosima takes it calmly.
"And now you do." Cosima summarizes with a smile. "You're… probably just a dyke. Like me."
"Probably." I agree. And that reminds me of something else I'd seen advertised on campus. "So… are you going to go to the big Pride thing?"
"What? You know about that?" Cosima perks up.
"Europride." I tell Cosima cautiously. "It's coming up and it is going to be in Paris. I saw the posters… it's next weekend. So… I assume you want to stay for that."
"I know. It's awesome." Cosima nods. "It was definitely a good year for me to come to Paris ." She mimics my accent and makes me laugh.
"So you know?"
"Yeah. I know." Cosima grins madly at me. "I'm here, aren't I? 1997 was the right year to come here… and meet you… and then we'll go to Pride."
I laugh, unable to help myself. "I will go with you. We will have fun!" I assure her.
"We will… before, during and after Pride." Cosima smirks at me and then quickly leans in to kiss me. She pulls me into her body, moves to position herself over me and I grow hot.
"Delphine…" Cosima gasps a moan into my ear as we are kissing and I suddenly want her now. Need her now. The Lalondes be damned. I will have my love.
June 28th 1997
It is insane. I glance around the streets, at the rainbow flags at the sheer number of homosexual Europeans partying or marchin in the street. People of all ages, all persuasions. And I am overwhelmed by it. I cling to Cosima's hand. Cosima is soft with me, and lets me cling to her hand. She leads, I follow. And that that is the way this day must go.
"It's perfect." Cosima grins, and squeezes my hand.
"It is… different." I agree. But I go with Cosima anyway. We march to the Bastille with everyone else. I wonder how many people here are from France. Surely many many of these… attendees are from neighbouring countries. Maybe farther. How far do people go to feel safe being homosexual? The signs of commercial sponsorship surprises me at first, but this is France. We rid ourselves of sodomoy laws long before most. Tolerated such behaviour… and yet, as I take a look around I find myself wondering if there's some degree of… an underclass to it. Not fully equal… not considered the same.
We wind up somewhere behind a large purple banner with yellow letters decrying 'fiérté lesbienne', and Cosima is. So that … that is where we stay. I glance around constantly. I don't know what to make of it. The nudity. The penises on hats. Cosima's joy at it all. Does loving Cosima mean I belong here? Belong to this?
"Are you OK?"
"Yes." I nod. And we march and I listen more than speak.
Men in dresses. Drag Queens. Music blares and Cosima grins at me. She stands out less here. I catch sight of that English friend of hers. A few other people. I wonder how many of the exchange students this summer are gay and lesbian. How many of them came to Paris now, for the opportunity for this.
"Why are they wearing wedding dresses?" I point it out to Cosima.
"They're protesting for civil marriage rights. I think." Cosima tells me casually. "They want… the same rights as everyone else. The legal and social protections that come with marriage."
"Is… this a thing?" I picture it, a wedding with two brides or two grooms. Could such a thing ever be allowed?
"Yeah I see it back home too… that's been ongoing since the AIDS crisis." Cosima shrugs. "And I support it, yeah."
I see elderly men arm in arm protesting for places and equality retirement homes. I see people with children, which stuns me.
Eventually we reach the Bastille, and Cosima is happy to let me pull her away from the crowd. We climb onto the sidewalk, the party going on around us. And I take deep breaths to steady myself. I try to observe it as an experiment. To take it in. To understand this better.
"You don't like crowds do you?"
"Non… I don't."
"It's overwhelming. Pride in San Francisco can be too. Absolutely. But… it's important for you to see it. To feel less alone.
I don't know how to tell her I feel more out of place than ever. I don't know if I feel a kinship to strangers just because they also love women, like I love Cosima. And maybe that will come in time.
Cosima kisses me then, on the street in full view of everyone. And this, this touches me.
"It is safe right now." Cosima tells me, stroking my cheek. "We're… surrounded by people like us. And we can hug and kiss… hold hands… whatever. We're safe."
I kiss her again more deeply, and who cares if I am a lesbian. I have Cosima. I have love.
When we finally return to my parents apartment my feet are sore. I see my mother glance down at us, no doubt guessing where we were. Maybe we'd been unlikely enough to be caught on camera for the local news. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.
I go the Lalonde's with Cosima who asks her polite questions and Cosima responds honestly about where we were. And they react very little. It doesn't phase either of them. And I wonder just how much they know. We were not caught this week. But we'd spent a large amount of time together. More than I had with any other student that had come to stay with them.
"Tu veux souper avec nous?" Marie-Claire asks me, but I shake my head. I'll have to get home.
"Non…" I shake my head. I should go home.
"You could stay, Delphine." Cosima urges me. And I reluctantly agree. Marie-Claire serves us a cassoulet in a french oven and smiles at us.
"Ah… ça sent bon." Cosima tells her host parents politely. And I see now that she'd been successfully charming them since she arrived. They don't seem phased by her appearance or our closeness. I wish my parents could be much the same. But maybe it all goes unseen.
André puts an envelope in front of her and Cosima freezes. I feel her energy shift. And I don't understand why.
"What is it?" I ask quietly when we get the chance between complimenting Marie-Claire's cooking and eating politely.
"It's… from Munich. Aunt Ursula." Cosima opens it and a train ticket falls out along with a handwritten letter.
"You're… invited to visit?"
"It feels more like a subpoena ." Cosima grumbles but she nods. "It looks like I have to go visit my aunt… next weekend."
"I'll buy a ticket too… I'll go with you." I volunteer instantly.
"You don't have to." Cosima tells me. "I barely know Aunt Ursula. I saw her last when I was like 12, remember? She… she doesn't even know me. She's quite a few years older than my dad too. I think… I think both her sons are in their 30s."
"I want to!" I insist. Wherever Cosima is going. I am going to. "Munich is beautiful, I've heard. We… could make a trip out of it."
"Well it could be more fun with you." Cosima tells me with a slow grin. "We could get a night train with a sleeper car again."
"Oui," I agree. And we return to supper, return to the here and now. Maybe, maybe Cosima's aunt would prove inadvertently useful to us. An excuse to go away together.
