Early August 1997
It is easy enough, after that. Our weeks take on a certain rhythm. I meet her exchange friends - and let them use me for French practice. Felix, Tom, Sarah, Jessica… so many people who spend their days conjugating verbs and practicing French with Cosima. We giggle through dinners on patios and drink wine. And I spend as much time as I can with Cosima. I soak it all in my spare time.
My parents, for their part, grumble and tolerate it. Having somehow come to the conclusion that there's not much that can be done at this point. Sébastien notices, but other than making an off-colour remark or two doesn't seem to particularly care that I am in and out of Cosima's bed as often as possible.
"Hey." Cosima grins at me as I approach her on campus. We'd made the point of agreeing to meet for lunch twice a week, even if we were packing our lunches and picnicking outside.
"Hey." I grin happily at her, settling next to her on the blanket. "How is it going?"
"Oh pretty well." Cosima smiles. "My French is approaching intermediate level. So there's excellent improvement."
"Thanks to hard work." I quip happily. There had been improvement, though Cosima wasn't fluent. I had hope that her French would continue to improve.
"Thanks to… excellent motivation." Cosima raises an eyebrow before shooting me a mischievous smile.
I laugh and smile back. I cannot help myself. "Cosima…"
"It's true." Cosima tells me. When she's finished eating, she reclines and rests in my lap. I've started to count the weeks we have left. There are less than three. 19 days. 19 days left before my Cosima must return to California. And I have no idea what will happen then.
"Cosima… Have you thought more about what happens at the end of the summer?" I ask quietly, looking down at my lover's face. Which twitches and her eyes open in annoyance.
"Delphine… I thought we agreed not to talk about it?"
"You said you'd rather not dwell on the number of days left. Yes." I acknowledged that. Cosima had told me that on the way back from Munich.
"You know." Cosima looks up at me thoughtfully from behind her glasses. "You never did take me to Versailles." She changes the subject effortlessly. And I let her.
" You wanted to go to Amsterdam." I remind her. And yet, Cosima should see Versailles. See the vast gardens and the buildings and the very… French history of the place for herself. Before she leaves.
"Yeah but everyone else has already been to Versailles." Cosima mimics my accent and I cannot help but laugh. Even if she is teasing me.
"Well…there is still time." I tell her gently. And there is. Time to soak this in. Time to explore a little bit more. Though we are too late in the term now for me to feel comfortable taking an entire weekend away. I've let my work slip, and am finding I must apply effort to catch myself up.
"So…. let's go." Cosima urges me, sitting up. She kisses me softly and I think I will find a way to make it happen.
For the weekend, I fulfill Cosima's whims. My parents are unsurprisingly against it. But we borrow my grand-maman's car and we drive to Versailles. My parents cannot complain much, as they've chosen to let my grandparents remain ignorant. And my grand-maman is pleased to let me borrow the car.
Cosima laughs, we blast the radio and I drive us. Parking is a little difficult, but we manage. It's not far out of the city, but we arrange a cheap hotel room for the night. Having some privacy, I think, will be well worth it.
"OK. It's gorgeous. Everyone was right." Cosima admits in a tired tone when we've entered the grounds. The palace dominates this section, and the gardens behind it - are remarkable.
"Oui." I agree easily, and arrange for our tickets and viewing time. We follow the tour in French, Cosima has to pay attention to make sure she catches what they are saying. I help her, but only a little. I want her to pass her last exam.
Afterwards we wander the grounds. The palace. Le hameau de la reine… the gardens. Cosima is stunned by its beauty. Le grand trianon. Le jardin anglais. It is easy to while away a day here. But I don't forget. I cannot forget that our time together is coming to an end.
"C'est tellement beau." Cosima tells me in her anglophone accent. I smile at her.
"Oui. Mais j'ai faim." I wrinkle my nose a little, and guide my darling Cosima out of the grounds and back to the city. We find a French restaurant, and Cosima and I feast. It's overpriced, as I was warned. But between the two of us splitting the costs it will be manageable. We split a bottle of wine and feel ourselves getting warmer. It's too early, really, for supper. But
"God it's good…" Cosima mumbles between bites of cassoulet. We'd ordered that and the ratatouille and opted to share both dishes. It was working.
"Oui." I quip back and enjoy it myself.
"I am going to have gained weight on this exchange." Cosima laughs. "Between the pastry and the food… Marie-Claire's cooking included."
"Non… you are not overeating." I brush off the concern, it is nonsense. Cosima is as lovely as she was the day she arrived. The only real difference was her hair having grown a little.
"Not really." Cosima sighs. "Are the gardens open at night?"
"They are…."
"I kind of… want to see them at night."
"OK." I agree. We wander the city for a couple hours and then return to the gardens when the sun begins to set. It is still open, though not for long. Not that it is easy to keep people from the gardens.
We walk through the hedges. And finally we sit and kiss.
"So romantic."
"In French Cosima." I tease her. "Practice."
"C'est tellement romantique!" Cosima sticks out her tongue at me and then continues. "Embrasse-moi."
I kiss her, and it's easy. We are tucked far enough off the beaten path. I will miss her, I think. I do not do what I will do without her. I am in love. I will keep loving. As long as I can.
"What is it?" Cosima murmurs at me, noting how desperate I become against her
"I want to make love…" I mumble to her between kisses. I feel her excitement throughout her body. So eager under my own. Cosima grows warm, pliant… and I will have her.
"Tu es parfait." I tell Cosima as I work my fingers between the thin fabric of her linen shorts and her sex.
"Ohh." Cosima moans and writhes, wanting to be closer to me. Even on the grass, she doesn't seem bothered by our semi-exposed location.
"Je veux te faire l'amour...ici…. Maintenant." I repeat myself, trying to up the romance. I stroke her happily, enjoying the sensation. Enjoying Cosima's pleasure.
"Oui." Cosima responds, gripping at me, moving with me as we make love on the grass.
It is beautiful. I think as I grin down at Cosima, I work her quickly, deciding that such an exposed location requires speed. Cosima begins to whine within minutes and I take her over the edge.
She clings to me, her body relaxing and I am satisfied. A few minutes later, her hand wanders to the closure of my own pants. She fiddles with my zipper, trying to gain access to me. She wants me too, I smile at this. But it's not necessary. Especially not here and now.
"Mon amour." I whisper and she groans softly again. I hover over her. I move her hand away from the closure of my pants as I kiss her cheek. I couldn't be more satisfied.
"Delphine…" Cosima whines at me.
"Non… I don't want it." I tell her softly and kiss her again.
But Cosima's eyes are hurt. ""Why don't you want me to touch you?"
"I do!" I claim fiercely. How could Cosima believe I don't want her? I love her as often as I can. We… make love. I kiss her as often as possible. I have done everything. Everything to show my love.
"Delphine… you…. You're always trying to be on top. You still… resist orgasm or…struggle. I'm not sure which." Cosima looks up at me looking terribly uncertain. And I hate it. I do not want her to look at me like that.
"I love you. And I want you." I look over Cosima's face, still flushed in passion. "Isn't that enough?" I am not sure how to put into words my ...emotional satisfaction from our lovemaking. If it would even make any sense at all to Cosima. But maybe I should try.
Cosima is silent for several minutes. We hear footsteps nearby and know that it is time to get going. To go to our hotel and perhaps…turn in for the night. "Yeah." Cosima says finally. "Yeah… it's enough."
When we reach the hotel room Cosima bolts the door and looks over at me. "Take off your clothes." Cosima demands, and I do.
She presses herself against me, fully clothed. Her hands stroking my body. She finds I am still aroused from our encounter, and this pleases her. She nuzzles me, my arm, my neck.
"Do you want this?" Cosima speaks finally, voice low and measured.
"Yes." I reach for her, and that much has to be obvious.
"Do you want me?" Cosima whispers into my ear, she teases me and my hands go to her clothes. I remove the blouse and shorts readily. We let her undergarments drop to the floor next to mine. The bed isn't big, I think. But it's easily enough for the two of us.
She moves her body over mine, and it is only fair. I think. She wants to return the favour. Wants to feel me. Her hand goes between my legs, she gently strokes my sex. But unlike our previous encounter it is slow. Languid. She whimpers at me, and continues.
"Touch me…touch me." Cosima begs after several minutes. And I do, my hand goes to her sex. I reach to stimulate her in return. But I match her pace. Slow. Steady. Drawn out. The mad rush, I figure, was sated outside. This is different.
I gasp, touching Cosima, I lean to kiss her and she doesn't stop. Her fingers keep moving. Teasing me. Stimulating me.
"Comme ça?" Cosima teases me, her voice breathy and desperate. And I know I am getting to her. I know my touch is what is undoing her. I watch her face, her moving against me, I wonder why it's taken so long for us to do it like this.
"Oui!" I cry out, and I am not sure anymore. Cosima's pleasure. My pleasure. It's all the same. She moans, I vocalize back. To my surprise - I come first. Her lips capture mine again. I lose myself. In pleasure, in Cosima's scorching kiss.
I bring Cosima to orgasm as soon as I can. And she keeps touching me, as sensitive as I am.
"Oh… mon dieu…." I catch my breath and Cosima begins to change our positions, to move down my body.
"You like it like this?"
"Oh yes." I manage to get the words out, and she puts her mouth on me. I am sensitive and her tongue barely has to touch me before I come again. Cosima groans eagerly, moving her head to kiss along the sensitive skin of my thigh.
"I love you." Cosima tells me plainly as she kisses up my body. "We can… play around… see what works."
And we do.
Late August 1997
"We've reached the end." Cosima tells me aimlessly one day laying naked in my bed. We'd spent a lot of time there the last nine days. We both know time is growing short. We find our way back to intimacy. I give, Cosima receives. And then we try again and again. She touches me, and I love her. We both find pleasure in it. And I see Cosima smiling at me in my bed more often than not. She leaves satisfied, and I find myself satisfied, emotionally and otherwise.
"I don't… I don't want to believe that…this is the end for us." I prop myself up on my pillow to get a better look at her. She is beautiful.
"You know I can't stay." Cosima looks at me sadly. "We knew… we both knew this was temporary."
"I know… but I cannot just...let you go." I don't think my heart could take it. We'll have to find a way.
"We don't have a choice. We both have degrees. Families. Friends." Cosima throws out the logic. "Long distance never works but…we'll…. " Cosima struggles with words. She closes her eyes, still reclined on my bed. Against the purple floral comforter she looks inviting, but I convince myself this is a conversation we need to have.
"We'll what?" I lower my voice. As Cosima's departure draws nearer my parents give us greater liberties. They let Cosima spend the night in my bed, and pretend they don't notice. But the least we can do is attempt discretion.
"Be connected, somehow. Like…" Cosima stops. "This is like… the most potent …human connection I have ever had. It won't just fade away."
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"NO!" Cosima opens her eyes, sitting up. "I don't want to do that."
"So… what are we doing?" I ask her. There's only a handful of days left. Cosima's exams. A couple days of celebration. And then her flight back on the 27th.
"I don't know… but I don't want to break up." Cosima tells me, her eyes welling with tears.
"Then we won't break up, mon amour. We will… take it day by day, week by week." I want to promise her more. But I am not sure how. More importantly I am not sure how she would believe me. Maybe we were the exception, the 10-20% of people who manage to stay passionately in love through a lifetime. Stupidly, I thought, I'd bet my life on it. It was worth the chance.
The day Cosima leaves I barely see her. I know she's packing, and frantic. I know when her taxi cab is called. I run down to meet her, I hug her and then kiss her in front of everyone. André and Marie-Claire included, my mother scolds me, but I think it's worth it when I see Cosima smiles.
"Goodbye Delphine… I'll talk to you soon." She promises me, and kisses me again. Watching her leave is hard. But not as hard as the weeks that follow. I hold back my tears, and watch her go. She pulls a large suitcase behind her and that is the last I see of Cosima for a long time.
Fall term begins and I try to throw myself into the work. Cosima and I call, long distance, once a week. As much as my parents will let us with the transatlantic long distance charges. We agree to a day and a time, and we stick to it. If we cannot make our call dates, we email to change them. And we do talk, about our studies, our families, how much we miss each other. But neither of us wants to end the relationship, or neither of us can bring ourselves to do it. So we remain in a sort of limbo. Not together. And yet not apart.
It's regular, but still unsatisfying. I begin to plan, trying to find ways to make our separation sustainable. I research graduate programs in California, and try to figure out what it would take to get admitted there. An idea my family is not keen on. And maybe a decision I shouldn't make so hastily. I find myself in the library more often than not. Wanting to catch up on my neglected studies. Wanting to not be home. In my room, my memories haunt me. The courtyard is the same. Anywhere I went with Cosima makes me ache for her presence. Her voice. Her smile. Anything.
I try different areas on campus. Try to alter my routines to help me adjust to my new reality. My novels no longer appeal to me. They pale in comparison to my brief reality with Cosima. I wonder if reading books where both lovers are women would help or make it worse. I lose myself frequently in thought. More of a daydreamer than I ever was before.
I see an unexpected face, and find myself taken aback. "Felix?!"
"Hey! You're Cosima's French girlfriend." Felix looks me over. "How goes fall term?". Even though I am certain he knows my name.
"Why… why are you still here?" I look at Felix accusatorily. He should not get to stay another term when Cosima didn't. What kind of nonsense was this? That he was still here and my Cosima was not.
"I am here for two terms, spring and fall." Felix informs me. "Got to get the arts in. Plus I am enjoying myself. I have a lovely train of French boyfriends. It's working for me.."
"Right." I remember Cosima telling me Felix was some kind of artist. And I knew he had a lot of company. Lots of men.
"You must miss Cosima a lot." Felix comments. "I see you in here every day studying until late. Or this is just… who you are without her. Sad really."
"I do. But… she is back in San Francisco." I try not to tear up in front of this near-stranger. It is sad.
"She popped your cherry. That's a lot of attachment sometimes." Felix shrugs. "But there's a solution."
"What?" I get the euphemism quickly enough but the shock doesn't fade. "She told you that?"
"She mentioned it, yes. But I have the solution."
"Which is?" I look up, noting it is getting late. I should be getting home. Or at least try to get to the metro so I won't be quite so late for supper.
"Try someone else." Felix suggests. "Expand your sexual horizons. It'll help."
"Non. I don't want to." That much I will tell him. It's true. I cannot imagine that yet. Maybe someday I'll be able to. But not now.
"Cosima would… if she were you." Felix tells me. And I wonder, I wonder if he is right.
Either way, I know I won't. Not now at any rate. Not when I know what I want so clearly. Not when her memory is so fresh. I need more time, that is the logical solution. Time to mourn. Time for Cosima and I to figure out where we stand now. And perhaps… reluctantly go our separate ways.
