September 1997
The weeks after Cosima leaves pass in a haze. I am neither productive nor happy. But I continue with my coursework. In December, my baccalaureate will be done. In January… perhaps I can go to Cosima. Maybe there is some way to delay medical school. I don't need to be an exceptionally young doctor. Maybe I don't need to be anything.
A new student, a young man, arrives downstairs. His name is… Tim? Or Tom? Something like that. I briefly show him how to use the metro and hand him a map. He, unlike many before him, seems to quickly take the hint that I am not interested. That I want to be left alone.
A plan formulating I approach my mother, I ensure she is alone. My father has seen fit to forget entirely about Cosima. A few pictures in my room aren't enough to make him see the depth of my feelings. She's a nothing to him. And a disaster to my mother. But… to me, I will never forget Cosima. And I need to try. I have to try to be with her.
"Oui?" My mother looks back at me, knowing I am behind her.
"I want to go see Cosima." I tell my mother clearly. "I want plane tickets for Noël. Nothing else." There is nothing else I need, and certainly nothing else I really want that badly. A few sweaters and knicknacks won't do me much good.
"That is not happening." My mother responds. "That is expensive. Plane tickets to California. And for how long?"
"Why not? I am already a lesbian aren't I?" I argue. "I will have to come back for medical school. You know this. Why not let me visit her?"
"Delphine…" My mother sighs. And then she looks back at me. "I will… consider it. But only a visit. A couple weeks… in January after you have finished your baccalaureate. And then back home. For medical training."
"Of course. Merci maman." I thank her, and quickly kiss her cheek in thanks. My mother looks somber at that but I can live with that. We can all live with this. It is just the reality we found ourselves in. And I cannot wish myself into another. Nor would I want to.
Our call is the following evening for me. I pull the phone from the hallway into my room and close the door. The most privacy I can obtain. I am aware it is midday for Cosima, but she responds eagerly. I know she is living with her parents, Gene and Sally Niehaus, again. And despite occasional complaints it seems to be going well. She hasn't mentioned Lori. Not one way or another. In fact, she hasn't mentioned any other women at all.
"Hey Delphine." Cosima greets me happily. "How was your day?"
"Hello Cosima… It is… good to hear your voice."
"Yeah… I miss you like crazy." Cosima tells me. "I always thought I wouldn't pine after any woman. But I am pining hardcore for you…Like I am trying to figure out…something."
"You're sweet. Toi me manques aussi." I tell her. "I have an idea…"
"What?" Cosima perks up, distracted from whatever she was going to say.
"What if I come see you… in the New Year. I could fly into Los Angeles… or San Francisco, if I can get a direct flight. I will be… extremely jetlagged. But we could… Spend a couple weeks together." I offer this cautiously.
"Oh my god…yes! Yes, I want to see you!" Cosima answers me instantly. No hesitation at all, and I feel relieved. Cosima wants me to visit. And that… that means something. No matter what else happens between us.
"I hate being apart. An ocean apart." I sigh. "I want to be with you… and… I think… I think we can try Cosima. Really try. Long distance. I want to try."
"You know we never get anywhere on this subject." Cosima reminds me. "Neither of us want to break up. But you know long distance never works. It isn't sustainable."
I am quick to respond. "I do not want to break up. I want you ." And I know Cosima is not willing to initiate the split either. Despite the little contact we're able to have.
"Delphine…I want you like crazy… And I miss you. I want to see you. I want to hold you… I want us to make love like maniacs half of the night…" Cosima trails off with a little chuckle.
"I am this close to trying to have phone sex with you… Your mother be damned."
"I don't recommend it." I laugh. "I am fairly certain my mother can hear me. Though she's doing her best to ignore this." And that is true, she doesn't want to know. Doesn't want to hear.
"But it's different for you…. For you it's ' I love you so much I want to pleasure you '." Cosima swallows and quiets. "That's it, isn't it?"
My first instinct is to apologize profusely. "I'm sorry. I…"
"You don't need to apologize. I just…. I don't see how long distance is going to work. Because I need sex. And you… I know you enjoy it. But… you need me to be … like out of my head enjoying it for that to happen." Cosima trails off weakly. "I miss you. But pretty soon I will be like…crawling out of my skin here."
"I love you just as much as when you were here. I want…" I close my eyes, our possible audience be damned. "I want to kiss you, Cosima. I want to make love to you." I remember what that does to her, to both of us. And I miss it, horribly. No matter what Cosima says about it.
"Delphine… You have no idea how badly I want you right now." Cosima trails off. "I keep thinking about you. And when I am not, I'm dreaming about you…it's hard. Really hard."
There's only one solution, I decide. I don't like it, not at all. But I love her. And it is imperative that Cosima understand just how much. "I'll love you. No matter what you do, mon amour. If you…" I trail off. " I'll forgive you. I just… I love you so much."
Cosima's voice sobers on the line. Suddenly serious. "Delphine, what are you saying?"
"That I want to come see you, right after Christmas. And… no matter what happens when we're apart - I want things between us to be the same."
"Delphine." She sobs, and I do my best to comfort her. It isn't much. But it's the best I can do.
I begin counting down the weeks in October until our scheduled visit. We talk weekly, we make plans on the things we want to do when I am in California. Cosima has idea, plenty of ideas and we will enjoy our time. That much I know.
Despite my demands, my parents give me things for Christmas. Things I have little use for, but the cardigan I like. I wear in the day I leave for my trip. My parents have accepted that I am going. No matter what they say. In the end my father silently drops me off at the airport three days later around supper time saying only that I should try to do some sightseeing while I'm in California.
It doesn't feel real until I'm already through security and on the plane. Cosima knows my flight number and arrival time - the rest of this is up to her. No backup arrangements have been made, but my parents sent me with extra American money and a credit card - in case of emergency. We've spoken, I remind myself. We've spoken two days ago, confirmed our plans and Cosima had talked about all the things she wants to show me. Everything she wants to share with me during my visit. And I wonder what this will be. It is naïve to believe it will be the same, even just four months apart changes us. We won't be the same. We couldn't be if we tried. But we'll try, and … we'll pretend I suppose. And see how it feels to be together again.
The flight is too long. I read mostly. I wonder how Cosima had entertained herself on her long transatlantic flights and realized we've never really talked about it. It takes an hour to get through customs, they stamp my passport and tell me to enjoy my trip.
I wander past the luggage area, it takes three tries to find my borrowed suitcase. It is grey, and possibly too common looking. I finally find it, being hauled off the carousel by an older man.
"Excuse me, I believe that is mine." I gently say. My accent seems to charm him, he's older and stops to return my case.
"Oh… it is… Delphine Cormier." He reads the tag. "Apologies." It's handed over without any more fuss, and I am relieved. But I still must find Cosima.
"Thank you." I say simply, and pull my suitcase behind myself. Cosima had told me to meet right in arrivals. The airport is huge, I think. And it is night time here, the windows are all dark. But I see her. Her hair is longer, not quite to her chin and wavy. Her glasses are the same, and she wears denim overalls over a large colourful shirt. She stands there waving at me. And my heart leaps in response.
There are no more thoughts to be had - I run into her arms eagerly. Before we exchange a word she's kissing me intently, softly and I melt under her attention. I kiss back just as tenderly, and I decide I do not care who sees us.
"I missed you." Cosima pulls back enough to speak it. "I am… so excited to see you. Seriously." And she's sincere, and so am I. It's enough, I think. Nothing has to be different. I kiss her again, thinking that people can just look away but we are in public.
The security guard comes up to us grumbling. "Girls. Move along… you're making a scene." He doesn't kick us out, but stands closely until we leave.
"Yeah, got it." Cosima nods, pulling me by the hand out into the coolish night. "We're in San Mateo. Actually, it's a little drive. But… direct flight, so that was a huge plus."
"Not San Francisco." I remember her telling me that.
"I borrowed my parents' car." Cosima explains quickly, as she leads me through the parking lot. "So… we'll drive back to Berkeley… Won't take too long. And then… my mom and dad said we can stay in the loft. They… usually use that space for guests."
I nod. "OK." Cosima leads me to a dark green Jetta. Her parents' car, no doubt. It's only a few years old, and looks to be in good shape.
"It's really nice… are you hungry? Do you want dinner? We could stop in San Fran? We could… get sushi? There's a lot of Japanese food. Korean too.. All kinds." Cosima begins talking very quickly.
"Cosima… I just want to be with you." I tell her as she's hoisting my suitcase into the trunk. And it's true, it doesn't matter what we do. Though I know I should eat. And try to sleep. I'd left at night, and arrived at night… and my brain was confused as to what the time should be.
"Like… make love to me right here in the Jetta?" Cosima turns her head to look at me. She raises an eyebrow at me, and I wonder how serious she is.
I laugh softly before I respond. "Do not tempt me, ma chérie." That would be easy, I think looking at Cosima as she quickly slams the trunk shut.
"Well… we at least have to get it out of the airport parking lot and somewhere more discreet." Cosima tells me bluntly.
"OK." I clamber into the passenger seat, and no sooner than has Cosima climbed in too, then is she kissing me again. I yield to her instantly, wrapping my arms around her.
"Oh god…" Cosima groans when she pulls back. "Delphine."
"We… we should go." I tell her, as I try to catch my breath. The time apart gets to me. Cosima's lips on mine, gets to me deeply. It is… more. Or we are simply deprived. The end result is the same.
"I'll... get you home. We'll… order some takeout. And just relax tonight." Cosima promises, looking like she's trying to convince herself as much as she is. But I am not tired, I'd slept on the plane… and to my body it feels like it should be nearly morning.
"OK." I agree with a nod, I move in for one more kiss, and find I feel it down through my body. I finally buckle in and Cosima starts the car.
"Not the place." Cosima repeats to herself. "Not the place."
"Far too much security." I joke.
"And the parking is terribly expensive." Cosima joins in, and the drive begins. She points out exits along the highway, but I am hazy and not all there. She's gentle with me, flicking on the radio.
I find I doze off a little and am awoken by Cosima parked outside a brick hours.
"Hey we're here." Cosima drags and carries my suitcase up to the house. "My parents are probably asleep… you'll meet them tomorrow. Sally and Gene."
I nod and follow up two flights of stairs, one through a door to what was once the attic. But it's been finished. And there are two small windows, with curtains. The walls are painted a light green colour and it feels at once cozy and airy.
"So… this is the loft." Cosima smiles at me. There's a big low bed, a large mirror against the wall, and a dresser for my things.
"It's lovely… Do you sleep up here?" I look around, it's simple. But Cosima said it was for guests.
"I actually have a room on the second floor… but for the next two weeks, I am up here with you. Better soundproofing. And a bigger bed. My twin bed… not the best for what I have in mind."
"Good." I answer, and Cosima digs through my bag for my pajamas, which she throws over the old wooden chair in the corner. Right next to the carefully placed and folded towel and what looks to be a housecoat for my use here.
"Do you want a pizza? I can have one here… in less than a half hour." Cosima offers quickly. "I can go phone in an order now, and we can eat."
"Yes." I decide. We should eat something and Cosima can manage that. Then hopefully tomorrow I will start reorienting and being up during the day.
I unpack a little, I grab the towel left for me, and I take a quick shower. I brush my teeth and examine myself in the small bathroom mirror when I emerge. I quickly get back to the loft. I hope I don't wake Gene or Sally. Cosima had mumbled something about me meeting them over breakfast. And surely that is the best option.
"Hey…" Cosima looks at me from the bed. She sits in her clothes. "Pizza will be here in less than ten."
"OK." I move towards her, I reach for her, I kiss her. And she responds to me the same. Kisses me the same. I push further, touch more and grapple at her garments to reach skin. I must have skin. Cosima senses my mood, and responds eagerly.
Cosima unfastens her overalls, letting them drop to the floor. "Our pizza will get cold." She mumbles at me, but somehow I do not think it will take that long. Her underwear are easily removed. I don't remove her shirt, I can see how she's moving. How she's needing me. And I crouch myself down between her legs, I let the towel fall off so she can watch me. I remember she likes to watch me,
I taste her, softly, gently and she moans at me. She looks the same, tastes the same, feels the same. She's sensitive, I find, and easily stimulated to orgasm with my mouth. Cosima is loud, crying out, grasping at me. I don't think about the time apart, it hardly has to matter now. I just give her what she needs, and try to express my feelings for her. I want her to feel loved, to feel accepted, to have no fear of whatever happened when we were apart. It won't matter. I won't let it.
"Delphine…" She gasps between orgasms, when she realizes I am intent on bringing her to climax a second time. We've been apart too long, I think. And we both need reminding. Both need reconnection.
I hum deeply instead and continue flicking, continue softly sucking at her until she cries out loudly, her voice raspy and loud, her fingers in my wet hair.
"Oh." Cosima sighs as I lay down beside her. "Oh god… that was…" She exhales, a long wordless sigh. And I grin happily.
"I wanted to…like that." I look down at her adoringly. "Je t'aime. I love you…Cosima. So much."
"It was the overalls, wasn't it?" Cosima tries to turn her tone back to teasing, but fails. She pulls them back on and quickly goes downstairs. Not bothering with underwear. She returns less than two minutes later with our pizza, and lays the box beside us. Cosima eats a slice of pizza quickly and starts in on another, she's brought two cans of soda with her, and I can tell she has plans that do not involve us getting much sleep. At least not immediately. I don't dress, anticipating exactly where we are heading.
I manage two slices, but I am not thinking about food, not really wanting to eat at all. It's been so long, I think. I wonder if it will be easier, like it was at the end. Or if this will be awkward. If it's been too long.
"Hey, it's OK." Cosima tells me. She closed the pizza box and tosses me a napkin. "It's fine."
"I am OK." I clean my fingers and my face. And Cosima pulls me gently into her arms. She throws the used napkin in the general direction of the pizza box.
"You're… nervous." Cosima guesses. "Or really jet lagged… and there's… no pressure." She finishes shaking her head.
"A little. But I do… I want to. I want you ." I try to emphasize this, my wanting. Cosima looks at me for a moment, as if evaluating me but then moves towards me.
"OK." Cosima nods at me, then begins removing her clothing. She knows what's easier for me, and I move into her, I kiss her and settle over top of her.
"Touch me." I ask her, even as I am kissing her neck, her shoulders. And she does. I feel the soft grazing touch of her fingers, and then a groan once she realizes how aroused I am. Maybe it's the distance, I think. Maybe it's finally seeing Cosima's face again after almost five months apart.
"There…" Cosima mumbles, she moves to rub herself up against me, and I whine in response. I feel her hot sex against my thigh. Wet hair and swollen flesh rub against me again. And it's enough, more than enough. "Do you feel me?"
I let out a little cry, but she keeps touching me until I come. I cling to her, and then finally she speaks again. But I don't let go, I don't want to let go.
"We… don't need to talk about all of the apart stuff… Like we can totally go don't ask, don't tell on this one. I think… I think that's best." Cosima reminds me then of our arrangement. We still talked weekly. And I know so much about her life while we were apart. But I know what I agreed to. And I don't know everything. She begins softly stroking me again, this time beginning to enter me.
But there's no reason for me not to disclose. "I've only ever been with you." I cry as Cosima is entering me. I'm exhausted from getting off the plane. But we must be together. We must reconnect. It is more important than ever.
"Still?" Cosima has managed to adjust our positions, to something she knows will work better.
I nod as she touches me, and there's relief on her face as she does. "Je t'aime." I tell her again, that hasn't changed.
She lowers herself to taste me, and I find I am more desperate, more responsive to her. I cry out loudly, I thrash and cry on the bed, under my lover's mouth. I give myself to her, I think when we are through. When Cosima's pressed tightly against me again, her lips soothing against sweaty skin, her hands clasping mine.
"We… we will find a way, ma chérie." I promise her, and she kisses me again deeply. We get up briefly, and take a walk. I find I am desperate to stretch my legs, to move my body after 12 hours on a plane.
"We will." Cosima tells me decisively, and when we return to bed I make love to her slowly, with my hands. I hold her all night, and feel… satisfied. Calmed. Two weeks, I think, could be a small eternity.
In the morning, I shower quickly, before dressing. Noting that Cosima is still passed out in bed, I decide to help myself to some breakfast. But I am beat there, a woman who looks a lot like Cosima stands in the kitchen making pancakes.
"Oh… I'm sorry." I apologize. Were we too loud? I wonder. Had Sally or Gene heard us?
"Good morning Delphine. I'm Sally." Cosima's mother smiles at me from the kitchen.
"It's nice to meet you." I try to attempt pleasantries.
"I'm just making some breakfast… Do you want to get Cosima up? Gene's out back." Sally tells me pleasantly. "He's looking forward to meeting you."
Gene returns into the house, looking like he's been gardening. And the windows show off a small, but well cared for yard. Clearly a hobby of theirs. "You must be Delphine, pleased to meet you." His voice is accented, Germanic, but mellowed. Years in the US and constant practice have smoothed the edges.
"I am. Thank you both so much for allowing me to visit Cosima." And I am grateful.
"Our pleasure, dear." Sally calls over. "Cosima … she …. She really needed to see you again I think."
"I needed to?" Cosima thumps down the stairs. "I mean… I told you, we're in love." Cosima is in pyjamas, clearly thrown on just for breakfast.
"It is good to meet her." Gene adds. "We want… we want to meet the young woman who has our daughter so…" They are polite, Gene and Sally, but I can tell they have concerns. Real concerns. Worries… Probably that I am no better than Lori. After all, anyone can be on their best behaviour for a few months. To them, I may just be another mess to deal with. And I won't have time to prove myself, I think sadly.
"Fixated." Sally interjects calmly. She throws a few pancakes onto plates for Cosima and I. "Have some breakfast girls."
"And then back to bed." Cosima mumbles between mouthfuls of pancake. I blush, imagining quickly what Cosima must have in mind.
"No." Sally is quick to correct her, without even turning around. "Cosima, your girlfriend came all the way here from Paris. Yes, to see you, but the least you can do is show the poor girl around. We're in San Francisco. The Golden Gate Bridge. Some museums… something!"
"Mom… I will." Cosima claims. "I just… I'm tired."
Gene laughs softly, but says nothing. His eyes regarding his daughter with amusement.
"We will…" I agree. "We will get dressed, and go out."
"Good." Gene agrees. "There… is much to see. Cosima will show you."
And I know she will. I smile dopily at her across the table. I cannot help it. I am just as enamoured.
