Cosima keeps her promises. She takes me to see the bridge the same day. We enjoy these outings. We stop for lunch in a tiny, hole-in-the-wall restaurant. She takes me on a streetcar, and narrates what I can only term a historical tour. She brings a sweater for me, for when I insist it shouldn't be that cold in California. And I quickly learn that San Francisco isn't that warm.

"But it's California."

"But not southern California." Cosima quips. "I mean people sail here… my mom and dad have a little houseboat. They love it… it's their retirement plan. But like California beach weather? We'd have to drive south for that."

"Really?" I sound disappointed clearly because Cosima wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss.

"Mmm… You need me to keep you warm?" The corners of her mouth twitch up when she's teasing me. And I find the effect even more attractive than I remember.

"It isn't cold… Just not as hot as I hoped." I wrinkle my nose. "I still like it here. The city is beautiful."

"We are just getting the tour started." Cosima smiles genuinely, interlacing our fingers. "My mom gave me a list. I mean we could also go to the movies. See Titantic…or like Alien:Resurrection… or Flubber."

"We could. You checked the listings?" I laugh. Though somehow the idea of watching a tragic love story is less appealing than usual.

"My mom told me to… it would … be the most normal date we've ever had."

"We can." I offer softly.

"I just… I want to show you everything." Cosima admits. "From Alcatraz to… like the little lesbian owned bookstores… All of it." She wants what I want, I think. To soak in our time together. To return to our perfect bubble, but in a new location. Instead of being in my familiar territory, I am in hers. And it's… just as good I think. Maybe, maybe I should try to move to be with Cosima. But how many years would that take?

"Alcatraz?" I furrow my brow, it sounds somewhat familiar. Why is that familiar?

"The old prison. It's famous. We can go look at it across the bay." Cosima pulls me by the hand, presumably in that direction. "There's even a tour… though no idea if it runs between Christmas and New Years."

Cosima does her best to give me things to look at. She even insisted on me going to go look at Alcatraz across San Francisco Bay and then go on the tour.… and then watch the corresponding film. It was cold on the water, the ferry rails being cold against my hands. And Cosima blabbering on about Al Capone and famous criminals makes me wonder how many friends, or lovers, of Cosima had been taken on this tour.

The following day she follows through, with lesbian owned bookstores, a matinee of Titanic, which I hadn't seen yet. Neither had Cosima and despite occasional whispers of 'heterosexual nonsense', we both enjoy the movie. I hold her hand the entire time in the darkened theater; And find my craving for Cosima only increases. I witness the characters' emotions, their journey and it makes me want her more.

When I flush during one scene, Cosima teases me, her voice a whisper. "I thought you weren't into straight stuff?"

"I am… into the characters. Their emotions… I guess." I shrug it off, and wonder if she'll reject this side of me.

Cosima only hums and squeezes my hand. Afterwards we wander Chinatown and grab food, Cosima encourages me to try Dim Sum, and sushi and a variety of foods I find mostly unfamiliar that must be common enough with university students here. In the end, I agree to dim sum. And we sit at a small table in a crowded restaurant where servers bring trays around and charge you based on what you take off the trays. I let Cosima lead this too. She selects a variety of dumplings, mostly. And I find it all delicious. We taste things, and dip in various sauces. We steer clear of the chicken feet and the tripe… though perhaps that is as delicious as much as it disgusts Cosima.

We are brought several rounds of tea and I don't think either of us will manage to eat dinner after this. But perhaps that is for the best. Gene and Sally seem to prefer we spend our days out of the house. They're both professors, Cosima has told me, and neither is working again until several days after New Years.

So our days are filled with adventures. And at night, we make love. Cosima is shameless about that too, having me up in the loft, urging me to moan more, to touch her. We may be obnoxious about it, even as I try not to make too much noise.

"I adore you." I tell her softly, watching Cosima talk between sampling various foods. We don't bother with dessert. There's several dozen Christmas cookies and various other desserts left over at the Niehaus home. Sweet things Cosima had thought to bring me between rounds of lovemaking last night. Throwing on enough clothes to be decent, and sneaking down to the kitchen.

"I want to love you forever." Cosima tells me between bites of shrimp dumpling. "Seriously. We could do it."

"Then love me forever." I offer happily. We can live these weeks like this. In bliss, pretending we have all the time in the world.


Her parents go to a New Year's party, leaving us alone in the house. We still have a week left, I tell myself. More even. Gene and Sally don't say too much to us, just that they'll be home late and to enjoy ourselves. I see them, dressed in what are probably some of their nicest clothes. I observe the affectionate way they look at each other, and wonder if we could have something like that. If that is what a love like this can grow into.

Cosima gets us takeout sushi and we feast on it. We turn on music and dance in the living room, our arms around each other. And I think then, surely there are places or parties that women can dance like this. Can love like this. I kiss her then, unable to resist any longer, I wrap my arms firmly around her.

"Take me to bed." Cosima begs me between kisses. And I do. How could I not? We kiss and make love loudly in the loft. We taste each other, then we make love face to face, our hands stroking at each other. Cosima moaning and breathing into my face. And it is more than I expected. Better than I expected. Her reactions are so strongly felt, so desperate. And that I have learned, works on me.

"Oh my god…" Cosima groans, her fingers inside me while she rubs herself against me. And I come. I flop back onto the bed. We are sweaty, and the whole room smells like us. I resolve to throw the sheets into the wash in the morning. Cosima's parents may be too hungover to notice anyway.

"Are you hungry?" Cosima offers. And goes downstairs buck naked, she returns with a plate of leftover goodies from Christmas, and a bottle of wine under her arm. We should probably drink water, I think. But I won't ruin the moment. There's a large Nalgene water bottle we've been sharing next to the bed anyway. We both keep refilling it in the upstairs bathroom. Just in case.

We snack, dark chocolate and red wine proves a perfect combination. We drink directly out of the bottle, but only a little. Enough to toast the New Year without a dulling sensation.

"I don't want to get too drunk." I tell Cosima and I stop, thinking we've probably had enough wine. She touches me again, her kisses taste sweet.

"We'll stop." Cosima agrees, putting the half bottle of wine up out of the way. "I don't really want to be drunk. If we're drunk… we can't really manage to do more."

"What do you want to do?" I wonder aloud, she touches me then and brings me to a quick orgasm against her hands. I am sensitive, I think. Maybe getting too sensitive from Cosima's repeated attentions. And flushed. And Cosima is the most beautiful I have ever seen her. Exactly now. I go down on her immediately, greedily sucking her into my mouth. Playing with her, teasing her. And I am rewarded by moans and rasping breaths and cries of my name.

"Parfait." I mumble when we're done. I ease myself back up to look at Cosima's face, before I flop against her. I don't want to sleep. Not really. But I decide a rest is in order. I drink a little water, and then cuddle into her.

"Happy New Year." Cosima whispers into my ear, she kisses my cheek as she climbs out of bed and pads over to the bureau. She goes to the bottom drawer and begins rummaging.

"It's… 1998 now?" I look up. I want to enjoy Cosima more. But I know my body needs a break from being touched. I do not want to be sensitive to the point of pain.

"It is. New year. New adventures." She raises her eyebrows and I snort in response but when I sit up to get a better look I finally see what Cosima is doing.

Cosima grins and pulls out a contraption of straps. And something else. "So… what do you think?"

"What?" I see the dildo then. It's a blue color, but otherwise looks fairly similar to an erect penis. Maybe Cosima thought that would be less… vulgar if it were blue? I don't know why appearance matters. Surely the… sensation is much the same.

"What do you think?" Cosima repeats, and there's no bravado. Just open curiosity. It's not a demand, I realize then. It's a question. And it's up to me.

"You know… I've never." I drop my voice, and wonder if this will be challenging. Or painful. Or just plain awkward.

"Oh… no baby… You're going to wear it. I mean, if you want to." Cosima laughs. "I just… I think it'll work better that way. At least at first."

"Me?" I suppose that would be easier. In all respects. Cosima helps get me into it, and then kisses me as she's guiding me back on top of her. It looks ridiculous I think, and I look down at the toy strapped on to me. At the nylon harness. I want to laugh, but I have more pressing concerns. I don't know what I am doing. And I am not sure I will be able to perform the way Cosima wants me to.

Even as Cosima is caressing my breasts, kissing my neck, I shudder. What if it hurts? What if Cosima doesn't enjoy this at all? Even with me.

"What is it?" Cosima asks, clearly spreading her legs in anticipation. She still feels wet against me, that is good. I think. Necessary. But it does nothing to calm my nerves.

"I just… I'm nervous." I admit it, there's no sense trying to hide it. Cosima will be able to tell anyways. She always has.

"Delphine… it's ok… just… get on top of me and ease it in." Cosima instructs, she reaches down a hand to help guide the toy into herself. And her confidence confuses me, but only for a moment.

"I… I don't want to hurt you." I emphasize, biting my lip. I hesitate, just resting the head of the toy against her.

"It's… not that big. It'll be fine… just like… don't start slamming into me with it." Cosima muffles a giggle into my neck and keeps kissing me. She guides me through it, adds a little lubricant as we go.

It takes effort, I think. As I slowly ease it into her in a series of slow thrusts. watch her face shift, tensing and relaxing. She grabs my ass when I am not quite fast enough for her liking and hauls me in tighter against her.

"Oh." Cosima moans softly. She clings to me, and seems content.

"How … is it?"

"Pretty good. Do you want me to just… get on top?" Cosima opens her eyes and I find there's no hint of pain anywhere. "I could just ride you, but… I want… I want you to feel this out. Figure out if… it works for you."

"Non… let me try." I decide. I can at least try to figure this out. I can please her, however she might want. I am inexperienced, not stupid, I tell myself. I withdraw slightly and glide back in, I repeat my small motions and am encouraged by Cosima to move. I take it slow, gentle. And the technique seems to work. It takes some experimenting to find a rhythm, but it works. We do gain speed, as I gain confidence and as Cosima juts her hips up towards me. She moans with my movements, the bed shakes with our movements and it is all so much.

"You feel so good." Cosima murmurs at me, and we continue. She grows more desperate, more enthused and begins to cry out.

"Je t'adore." I insist, and I want to try. I want to please Cosima like this too. So I follow her lead, and I try to be as thorough and loving as I can be. I am not rough, I try to have her as gently as possible. But her reactions are getting to me. The expression on her face, her raspy cries. Even having her body pressed underneath mine is getting to me. We're practically rubbing together now, I'm barely withdrawing but keeping pace against her.

"Oh my god… Delphine…" Cosima whimpers and I keep going, she clutches me to her. It becomes difficult to thrust and then I realize by her reactions, by the sudden sharpness of her nails, by her sounds, that Cosima is having an orgasm.

"Ma belle Cosima…" I croon at her. I maintain my movements, until she settles under me. A hand loosely grasping my hip.

"You… you made me come…and you barely touched me." Cosima gasps it out, and she squirms. I take the hint and withdraw the toy. It's thoroughly coated in lubricant and arousal. And I begin trying to take the whole contraption off.

"My love…" I croon at her after. She helps me out of the harness contraption and I rest in her arms. Our bodies are perfect together. I think. I don't need to use a strap-on… but… Cosima's reactions were pretty amazing too. Perhaps… we'd try it again. Perhaps I would even let her try it on me. Someday.

"Do you… Do you need anything?" Cosima asks me, her hands sleepily stroking at my skin. I have exhausted her, I think. I have worn her out. And I hope she won't be sore.

"Non… I have everything." I smile into her neck. And I do, I think. I have everything I want right here. I don't want to go home, I think. If I could, I'd stay right here with Cosima.


We get down to the final three days before we let ourselves talk about it. We'd lived in another perfect bubble. I think. One where we didn't have to talk about the future. One where we could just be together.I found I'd even enjoyed getting to know Gene and Sally over family dinners and a few games of pictionary and trivial pursuit. Cosima smiled at this, and I think she wanted this too. She wanted me to get to know her parents. And hopefully, for us to like each other.

We borrow the Jetta and drive, Cosima has something she wants to show me. And I agree. We only have a few days left.

"Where are we?" I ask when I get out of the car.

"Carmel Bay." Cosima responds quickly. "We can get out and walk. It's touristy, but it's cool."

We find parking and the little town looks like something out of a storybook. Cosima takes me to a beach. It is gorgeous, with sand and rocky cliffs. But it is cold. Far too cold, I think.

"It's too cold to swim." I tell Cosima. It is also, I add to myself, too cold to make love here. And even in the off-season, there are people. Tourists no doubt.

"You can't swim here anyway. Too dangerous." Cosima tells me. "But we can get on the 17 mile drive."

"What?"

"It's a tourist thing, and we're going to do it. Bunch of stops. Gorgeous views. Most photographed tree in America. The Lone Cypress?"

"OK." I agree. We wander the town, and then take the car to the toll booth. Apparently this is not a free attraction.

"We'll end up in Monterey. It's nice there. There's an old wharf and a cannery, and an aquarium." Cosima promises me, and we drive. We stop at various hotels, beaches, golf courses. We find parking fairly easily. Pebble Beach is easily one of the most beautiful. I learn, we cannot get anywhere near the famed tree. We walk around, and at least it isn't rainy. Cosima had planned well, had chosen today for this adventure due to the weather.

"Spring and summer are busier. And fall." Cosima smiles at me. And leads me by the hand to the next adventure. "Are you getting hungry?"

We get lunch at the Inn, which is a large hotel. And it is beautiful here too. It's easily the most expensive meal we've had during this trip. And I realize, this is the end. This is Cosima's last effort to show me her world. Show me things that may draw me here. Draw me back to her.

"Come on… we'll hike around Point Lobos." Cosima guides me back to the Jetta and we go to the next stop. Again, there are few people in early January. We see plenty of birds and harbour seals.

"Oh… they're cute." I point at the seals.

"They are. It's cuter when they have pups… but then we aren't really allowed here. Animal activists and all that." Cosima grins.

She guides me to a small beach at the end of the trail, and wraps me into her arms.

"I love you." Cosima tells me. "I …"

"Did you take me here to make love?" I ask Cosima. And perhaps she had. It isn't busy. And it is beautiful.

"What?"

"That song you showed me… that… that lyric." I remember it now. "I lay by the ocean making love to her…"

"With visions clear…" Cosima sings a few words. "Yeah. Sophie B Hawkins. It's a good song. Excellent for lesbian desire. And … somehow it got played on the radio and people barely notice that part."

I turn and look around. "I will if you want." I think we could manage a very quick romp, as long as we don't completely undress.

"Delphine… No… like. I booked us a hotel near Monterey for the night…" Cosima shakes her head. "But… we need to talk. I want to be with you. And not just making love by the ocean, which I am totally on for… but not here. This is way too on the beaten path. We will get interrupted by some tourists. And you know, possibly arrested for indecent exposure." Cosima punctuates this announcement with a grimace.

"I know. I want to be with you too. We are doing it Cosima. We… we are making the distance work." And I say it then, needing to make it all clear. "We can… I think… We get through to summer. We have another visit… In May? Then we plan. How… how we get ourselves together again."

"I am head over heels for you. I want you. Forever." Cosima sighs at me. "I'm… working out the hows. But… don't give up on me Delphine. I just… I need a little more time. And then… we'll be together again. I will take care of it."

"I won't." I agree and I kiss her again. I could melt into her, I think. I could be happy here. Just like this. Forever.

We finish our tour, and spend the rest of the day sightseeing in Monterey. When we finally come together again, it's in an even larger bed than the one in her parents' loft. We are as loud as we like. And afterwards, I lay in bed kissing her fingers, her palms.

"We…. are craven addicts." Cosima jokes as she moves over me, changing our positions again for more simultaneous pleasure.

"We are." I agree. And I never want this to change. Leaving will be horrible, I realize. And we'll have this to cling on to. These memories keep us going, until we can lay eyes and hands on each other again.


I return home, somewhat reluctantly and jump right into my medical training. The days are long, and the courses are intensive. I find, happily, that the class is about even men and women. I do spend time with classmates, studying and comparing notes. I want to excel, I think. If I am going to be a doctor, I am going to be the best one I can be. And Cosima might get a kick out of it, I think. Partnered to a French doctor. It will certainly be enough income to sustain us both, if I ever had to do that.

Months pass in much the same way, I begin my medical training and it is consuming. Some weeks Cosima and I talk twice - irritating both of our families with the long distance fees. Some weeks I am so busy the weeks fly by before I realize we've barely spoken. I immediately try to rectify the distance, and Cosima is as loving as ever. Though our phone calls drag on for hours, she never complains. Never expresses anything less than love or dedication to me.

It isn't quite enough, for either of us. But I love her, whatever little parts of her I can still have. Even if it's not quite enough, it is better than losing Cosima entirely. And for a time, I believe that we will make it through to summer. That Cosima will come here, even if only for a visit. That we will keep going forward together.

But by March, something has shifted between us, and as soon as I answer the phone for our scheduled call things are off. I feel something off.

"Bonjour Cosima." I greet her excitedly, but instead of the animated voice of my lover, I hear soft low breathing. She's been crying. And my heart sinks in response.

"Delphine…"

"What's wrong?"

"Hey… I am so sorry." Cosima sobs at me on the phone. "I…I messed up. And I need to talk about it.."

"Cosima… what is wrong?"

"I swear… I… I just… I was lonely. And I just kept thinking about you. I couldn't even… It wasn't any good. I just… I miss you. But I… It's so lonely."

"You were with someone else." I realize it so quickly. Cosima had been faithful. Until recently. She'd deprived herself too, to feel like she was with me. And she is… but not completely. And I know, I know deeply that while we are alike in so many ways, we are not the same. And…not being open while making love… sounds terrible. How could I have asked her to do that? Why hadn't I seen this coming?

"Yeah." Cosima answers very quietly. "I hadn't… before. I couldn't… but I just…I knew you would forgive me. And I just… But I can't do the don't ask, don't tell bullshit. I can't Delphine! I need…"

I realize then what my love is doing to Cosima. What it will do to both of us if I let this drag on longer. She will grow to resent me. Else she will close herself off from love, and then what happens between us? How do we grow together if we're an ocean apart? How do we stop ourselves from growing apart?

"Mon amour… I will love you forever … but… I will not… be your burden." It is too much, I realize, for Cosima to handle. Even with allowances made. It hurts her. And it never had to. I cannot allow that.

Cosima objects profusely. "Delphine… No… Please don't… I… That isn't what I want. I just needed to talk about it. Please, just let me talk about it."

"You didn't do anything wrong." I tell her firmly. "That… that is not why, Cosima. It's… you're carrying too much guilt. I don't want you closing off your heart while you're… you're making love with someone. Even if that someone is not me. It's wrong. You're so …loving. And you need to be open. Not …closed off because you… think… you think that's the only way to keep me."

"I don't want to break up." Cosima sobs, and breaks. "This isn't what I wanted from you."

"We have to." I tell her softly. "I love you, Cosima. I want… I want you to remember that. And when… when you're ready. I think… I think you can love someone else too."

"Delphine." She cries then, and then we both do.

I go quietly to bed after our short call. I lay there, not quite able to believe it. Not quite able to believe that it is all over.