August 1998
The strangest thing is that everything seems to go back to normal. My life isn't different. It's exactly the same. And by the time I am beginning the second term of my first year of medical studies - everything has fallen back into old patterns. I don't even cry that much anymore. Everything is as planned. It is still PACE, it is still general health studies. And it is still consuming. I begin to plan, to perhaps move to my apartment by the time I begin the third year of my studies. I find I am interested in pathology, but that is years ahead. I will be 22 by the time I dig deeper. I think. But it is not as if I have anything else to do. 9 years, I think, 9 years until I am a doctor. Until… I have to figure out what to do next again.
"C'est parfait." My mother tells me when she returns home to find me studying again, having laid my notes out over the living room floor as I prepare for my new term.
"C'est exactement comme prévu." I respond without looking up. And it is true. I am following through as planned. Without hesitation, and I know, by the end of my first general term and the beginning of specialization in medical studies, that I am on the right path. The path I was always supposed to be on.
The only difference at all, I acknowledge, is me. I am different for having known and loved Cosima. And different for having experienced losing her. My memories hurt at times, but that that is to be expected I think. Everything I have read on heartbreak is clear. You will grieve the one you love when they're gone.
My mother entirely stops asking about dating, or encouraging any of it at all. My father, as per usual, is unphased by either my sex life or my lack thereof. Perhaps they are concerned it would be another woman again. Perhaps not. I am not sure if that part matters to me. Surely the emotions would be much the same. If I found someone else who could reach me enough to stimulate my interest. I cannot rule it out entirely, but I know that I am not ready. And maybe in a few years - I will be ready to try to love again. If I can find the time.
I don't say that, because then I suspect my mother will try to find other men to throw at me. To try to make Cosima a distant memory. But the only men I see are a handful of classmates. Mostly doctors. Though some of our classmates will become midwives, dentists or pharmacists.
One, Olivier Allard, becomes my study partner. At first, this works fine. We both study, both intend on becoming doctors. I share my notes with him and vice versa. We take to having coffee and then dinner together after our evening courses. But no spark alights for me. And we are…friends, I assume. We mostly discuss our courses. Embryology, histology, cellular biology. We seem to share that much passion. But it extends no further.
When he finally leans in and kisses me one night after walking me to the metro, I let him. I am somewhat surprised, but not entirely by this interest. It makes sense, I think. For Olivier to want me. But afterwards, I find I don't want to be around him. I certainly don't want to make love with him. Not now, at any rate. Desperate for an excuse to shove at him, the next time we see each other I announce that I am a lesbian. When Olivier finally accepts that he cannot change my mind, he sours on attending our study sessions. And I find myself in need of a new study partner. One who does not want to make love to me.
I find them in Thierry and Isabelle. And I am careful not to fall into the same trap as I did with Olivier. I ensure it is usually the three of us studying together. I watch for signs of interest from either of them, and find none. We are truly becoming friends, I think. Our arrangement, our camaraderie, isn't mistaken for something else. And it works this time. We study together, we bond - but only as classmates, as comrades. We pass exams, all of us doing well. And celebrate with dinner and drinks.
I come home mildly intoxicated, feeling the first true rush I'd felt in months. Even acknowledging it is from the alcohol, feels better than the numbness and grief of mourning Cosima.
The summer ends, and we begin placement. Those weeks fly by. We serve as assistants, observers. Four weeks of obligatory, unpaid, nursing work. I do it without complaining. I find I am excited to even be in a hospital, working. It is the beginning of everything. Thierry whines, but Isabelle and I push through. We will be doctors, but we must understand what is expected of others in medical settings. As much as what is expected of us.
Before long I am back in courses again, Thierry walks me home more days than not. His family lives several blocks over from mine. But I do not remember him from school, he was sent away he said. To some private boys' school elsewhere. We do get closer, I think. But the more I know about Thierry leads me to learn that he is homosexual. I am less bothered by this than I was by Olivier's interest. He is not Olivier, and the same pressures will not be placed on me. Though his parents may want it to happen, which they hint at as they see us studying or eating together several times, he doesn't.
"Personne peut pas savoir." Thierry warns me.
I shake my head. Though I will tell no one, I fail to see the point in trying to hide that in this day and age. But his parents will not tolerate a gay son, and I wonder if I should tell him about Cosima. Or if he too, will be trying to set me up. I remember Cosima's friend Felix, and wonder if they've met. Perhaps though, that's better left unsaid. Maybe another heartbreak story that we do not have the energy for.
Another student has arrived, and my brother Sebastien plays tour guide. I have outgrown the role, I think. I am far too busy. I observe the young woman, with blonde straight hair. Her face is pretty I think, more so than Tina's. But covered liberally in freckles as is the rest of her skin. And no doubt my brother has noticed. And I suspect I know exactly how their connection will culminate. Though, who am I to judge now?
I clean out the attic one particularly boring late September afternoon. My mother having set me the task. And there's much to clear out. I remember being up here with Cosima in the first few weeks. When we were just getting to know each other. And instead of hurting as I am accustomed, the memory makes me smile. I wonder if I could reach out. If it's been enough time, or if her heart is still far too broken. I would like to know, I think. How Cosima is doing. But maybe old lovers are best left in the past.
My mother returns from running her errands, and breezes up to the attic. "You have a visitor." My mother announces looking quite annoyed.
"C'est qui?" I am sweaty, and dusty. But I wipe off my hands, and begin the trek down the stairs to get outside. I expect at first, that is is Thierry or Isabelle. Wanting to borrow notes or something. Instead, I see her through the windows. Her hair is down past her chin now, and I begin to run.
"What…what are you doing here?" I cannot contain my surprise. Cosima stands there, wearing a largish backpack, but with no other luggage. A headband holds back her hair. And she looks, very casual. Too casual to have just gotten off a plane.
"Surprise." Cosima announces. She's wearing the overalls again, but I just smile at that. Another memory coming to mind. Her unfastening them up in the loft, for me. The taste of her in my mouth. The feel of her against me, under me. The memory causes me to flush. And I wonder, was that her intention?
"Cosima!" I rush into her arms. I hug her tightly against me, and I don't know what happens next.
"How? Why?" I ask my questions then, as I let my fingers stroke her hair. It is lovely. I think. She is just as beautiful like this. The glasses, are the same. So much is the same. But I have to wonder, is this a trip? But she should still be in classes. It is fall term, I think. Even if she went through the summer. France is far more than a weekend trip from California.
"So… I have a confession… Like two weeks after I left I made my dad call the German embassy… and found out I could get citizenship. So that's a huge plus…" Cosima tells me this somewhat awkwardly. "So I dragged my father and his documents to the consulate and I got all the forms."
"What?" I shake my head, confused. "What do you mean?"
"My dad was still a German citizen when I was born… he became a naturalized US citizen later…so…I can." Cosima smiles. "Thank God my parents weren't in a rush with their paperwork."
"You could get citizenship… in Germany." I nod, taking this in. I hadn't really considered that option. It was too soon, I thought, to try to get Cosima back here. It was an option, and one that Cosima had pushed through.
"Yeah, except it takes like a year. My application just processed through in August. So that's a relief. But… I… kind of enrolled at a university in Munich. So now I am learning German. Aunt Ursula has been pretty awesome through all this. I am… staying with her now. This semester is mostly language courses. And then next, I resume sciences. It's going to be a serious trip. My brain is going to explode. But not like in a bad way. It's just… more tiring learning in a second language."
"So… you're going to be living in Munich." I nod, letting go of Cosima. We are not together, I remind myself. We... We broke up in March shortly after Cosima's birthday. That was months ago.
"Yeah. But… I am way closer than I would be in California. I have family there and Aunt Ursula is keen on making sure I have a whole life. Not just a girlfriend. I had … that mess with Lori before." Cosima explains herself. "And… I am close enough now… if … if you still want to be with me."
"You need more than just me." I agree with the statement. "But… we could be together. Yes." The answer comes quickly. I don't even have to think about it. I want to try. Need to try.
"It is still technically long distance, but two weekends a month together is pretty good. I mean, in the short term. I'll come here one, you'll come to Munich one. And we will… figure it out. And it turns out I can live anywhere in the EU, so I could move to France. I will keep working on my French. Another course I am taking."
"Cosima." I smile through happy tears. I cannot contain the joy, and together or not, I kiss her. Cosima pushes herself into my arms and kisses me back. I don't care if we're being watched. I don't care who sees us right now. It doesn't matter.
"I came back for you." Cosima tries to keep emotion from her voice, but fails miserably. "I want to be with you." Cosima sobs, reaching for me with her hands.
I don't think. I just kiss her again. Breathing her in and holding her tightly in my arms. "Mon amour." I lower my voice. And I think, my parents will have to put up with Cosima staying with us, in my room. At least one night.
"I am so relieved to see you… So… there's no one else?" Cosima asks cautiously.
"Non." I shake my head. "There sort of was… but… but it turned out to be a nothing."
"Good." Cosima nods, and I turn to lead her up into the apartment. She waves at André and Marie-Claire's apartment, and I notice they are home. I wonder, what will they make of all this?
I take Cosima to my room, but I don't immediately undress. Just help her take off her bag. I pull her into a tight hug, pressing her into me. I feel her relax against me, understanding that I want to hold her. That after all these months - I need to hold her.
"I was going to stay in a hostel… I mean… I have a private room. In case… you want to stay with me." Cosima raises an eyebrow. And I understand then, the risk she took coming here. That I would reject her. That I wouldn't want her back. That I had found someone else. I kiss her again, trying to pour my love and longing into the kiss.
"For the night?" I ask, and I nod. That makes for a much better reunion than staying here. My mother is fuming quietly in the kitchen.
I hear her voice call out. "Is Cosima staying for supper?"
"We'll go out!" Cosima hollers back for me. And a reunion dinner, that makes sense. We should do that. Especially since my parents are far less keen on our relationship than Gene and Sally were.
"Are you… are you going to stay in Munich?" I ask.
"For now… but at least I can take the train to you. And… we'll get me into Paris somehow. I don't know when yet. I mean, I will probably still get a Master's degree. I was in school all summer trying to get enough credits to finish. I have a few electives left… and a few required courses. I need 18 months." Cosima grins. "First for the language part…. And then for the rest. But I will finish my degree. That's part of the arrangement."
It isn't that long, not with Cosima in Munich. We can begin again. Start something new. Try again. See what we can build together. The train is possible, I decide. Or one of us can fly to the other. It would be a short flight. And grant us more precious time.
"We… we'll be together." I repeat delightedly. "Oh, mon amour."
"We will. I love you. And I … I want to make this work." Coisma tells me seriously.
"And if it… doesn't?" The risk you always take, I think. That doesn't go away. Even when the stakes are so high.
"I can always go home." Cosima tells me, dead serious. She has thought this through. "Or stay in Munich and you can stay in Paris… I'll have the chance to get to know my family, which is cool. And it's an opportunity to study and live in Europe. My parents are coming for Christmas by the way, so put that on your calendar."
"OK." I grin madly, knowing that I feel very decided already. But who knows what time will do to us.
"You've got me." Cosima tells me. "As long as you want me."
"Of course I want you!" I object to any connotation of anything else. "I just…"
"You wanted to set me free, Delphine. But I don't want to be free. I want you." Cosima is clear on this, but emotion seeps back into her voice. "Wanting to be kissed and held and touched didn't mean I didn't want you."
"I know." I tell her softly. "I am not angry, Cosima. I never was!"
Cosima nods at me. "So… we start again? Blank slate?"
"Not blank. Just new." I consider tilting my head at her. "New again."
"I love you." Cosima smiles at me, and leans up for a kiss. I wrap my arms around her and it feels the same. Exactly the same.
"Je t'aime." I respond. I nuzzle her briefly. And I glance at my bed. Cosima sees me do it and giggles.
"We should probably wait for…tonight. As tempting as you are." Cosima considers aloud. "I do have to try to win your parents over."
I laugh. "That… that could take a long time, ma chérie."
"Good thing I've got time." Cosima quips, leaning in for another soft perfect kiss.
And it's true, we have time. As much time as either of us could want.
FIN
