April 2006

"He is an ungrateful twit." I have difficulty containing my anger as I storm through the apartment. Dinners with my parents have often been tense throughout our relationship. For various reasons, though as time went by thing shifted to a vague unease. It bothered me more than Cosima at this point. But tonight it wasn't maman or papa pissing me off. Sébastien had brought his girlfriend Karine from Paris to Strasbourg just to have dinner with us, on their way to vacation in Italy. Or so we'd thought. They'd had an announcement, thought not quite the kind I was expecting. I wonder how my parents had taken it. I suspect maman had not quite approved. Papa, perhaps, was more understanding of the changing times. And yet, no doubt my parents would have preferred a wedding. Or a grandchild.

"Because he and Karine signed a PACS agreement?" Cosima follows me, but she's not angry. She's oddly calm about all of this. It is usually the other way around, I think. In all manners except my family - I am the calmer one. But today, Cosima adjusts wordlessly to the changing of roles.

"Yes!" I shout back. I begin taking off my earrings, slipping out of the clothes we'd dressed in for this dinner. Suddenly I want nothing to do with it. I unzip my dress and let it fall down my body. Why had I bothered dressing up for Sébastien and Karine anyway? Even if the restaurant was high end. It is several more frustrated minutes before I let myself remember, I hadn't dressed up for them. I'd done it for Cosima. Cosima who had looked forward to this dinner for the last two weeks, even if the caveat was that Sébastien and Karine would be joining us for dinner. Cosima who had watched me shower frantically upon arriving home and get dressed quickly, so that we wouldn't be late.

"Delphine, we have a PACS." Cosima is quick to remind me. "Sebastien and his girlfriend are clearly happy with it. A civil union is still, you know, something." She shrugs, from outside our bedroom. She lingers in the doorway, probably trying to get a better read on my mood. I know her too well now, and vice versa. I glance around behind her. It's night, and our apartment isn't anything special really. A simple two bedroom, our spare room was used as an office. And our building was ordinary. Though close enough to get easily to the hospital for work. I spent most of my time there, too much time, Cosima often teases me. I should make more time for her, I think. I could manage that.

"But he could get married!" I fail to keep the emotion from my voice. "We can't !" There are many things we cannot do. I think. And I still have one final year before my medical training is complete, even if I have been practicing medicine as an intern for years. It's not long now. We will have to make decisions, bigger ones than we've made before. Where to live. How to live... What comes next.

"You know statistically more straight people than gays and lesbians are getting PACS. Fewer responsibilities and rights, but enough to file joint taxes." Cosima shrugs. "Clearly they want to not be married."

"I know. I just. I want more ." I cannot contain my frustration, I stand in our bedroom in my underwear. I look up to meet Cosima's eyes to find my partner eyeing me. An unexpected change of mood, I think.

"Then we have to leave France." Cosima looks at me pointedly. "But you're the one who dragged me down to a lawyer to get a PACS document drawn up before I even officially moved in with you!"

I smile, I remember the look on Cosima's face when I'd sprung that one on her. We were probably one of the youngest couples to do so. I had been in the fourth year of my medical studies, just beginning my externat. Still, I have no regrets. I had wanted it sooner, but thought waiting until Cosima was solidly established in France was wiser.

"I know… I know…" I sigh. "We'd have more rights elsewhere. Even if… we're safe here."

"We have pretty good rights here… France is very… tolerant - to a point. I mean back in the US we couldn't have this many rights… And we can easily move around the EU as we want to for work or whatever. I am happy here, Delphine." Cosima concedes, beginning to undress herself in a much more casual fashion. "That parliamentary report was a major downer though."

Cosima doesn't need to voice it out, my stewing over the news in January was bad enough. She doesn't want to return to my anger on this one. The parliamentary report had expressed the need to maintain prohibitions against same sex marriage. As well as barring lesbians and single women from accessing assisted reproductive technologie or adopting children. Claiming it conflicted with the rights of the child agreement of the UN.

"It was." I shake my head. "I find it… extremely insulting." And it was, I wanted to at least have the option. To shape our lives together as Cosima and I see fit. The government has no place telling us we should not procreate. Any more than it could demand that we do. My parents, of course, assume that we will not. They may be wrong, I think. I could picture that. I think.

Cosima shakes her head. "Delphine, we're not there yet . And if we're in France when we are… we'll do what Lise and Sandrine did and go to Belgium. OK? We'll make it work."

"And next year?" I ask the same question. "When I am done with my externat ?" I know I will pass, I know I will become a doctor of medicine and then we will have to reassess our lives again. Our home in Strasbourg had been a compromise, and a good one. One I do not regret. But it was for the duration of my externat. Cosima had managed to get accepted into a PhD program here, and was muddling through in French. Our future is still murky, what we'll be able to do. What we won't be.

"Well… you'll be an official MD." Cosima grins. "And… well my PhD is nearly done. And I do not mind taking a sabbatical or a break from it. At all. Though it's nice to still be able to go visit Aunt Ursula or my cousins for the weekend."

"But where, my love?" I ask gently. "What do you want to do when… we are free next year?"

"Well… for starters, I was thinking we could go get married in Spain. Or Belgium.. Or the Netherlands. Canada is a bit far, I think." Cosima teases me and I laugh.

"Well it wouldn't be recognized in France."

"We'd still have a ceremony, and our PACS." Cosima points out with a grin as she approaches me, and I know where this evening is heading. If Cosima can manage to calm me down.

I kiss her then, soft and slow. I look down at her.

"Are you in the mood?" Cosima prompts. "Or… can you be convinced?"

"I'm not sure… You are calming me down though." I kiss her again, and wrap my arms around her. I decide to let it all go. My idiot brother. The uncertainties. We've always managed before.