A/N: Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or is reading but not reviewing:)
On to the story!
There had not even been any mess since Natasha had whisked her into the bathroom quickly enough to avoid that, but Wanda still found the incident embarrassing. S-O-R-R-Y, she signed yet again.
"Will you stop apologizing for throwing up? It didn't even make any mess. Flushed right down the toilet. It's fine." Natasha was far more concerned that Wanda might have hurt herself further doing that than anything else, and she also suspected Wanda had made herself anxiety-sick, not food-sick. "Here, put this on your face for a minute."
Wanda accepted the cool washcloth but didn't actually do anything with it, just sitting very still in the corner of the bathroom on the floor squeezing herself into a ball. She blinked, staring at Nat silently.
"Wanda, what's wrong?"
I don't know. I don't know I don't know it hurts and I don't know how to fix it and I'm not there anymore but I am broken and I can't think right- Wanda instinctively jerked her hand away when touched, and then realized she had just done that to her friend, not someone trying to hurt her further. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
"Okay, I won't touch you. Your eyes are glowing and you seem...crackly, like your power wants to do something, so I know something is wrong. We'll just sit and wait awhile, then." Nat could tell Wanda either wouldn't or couldn't talk right now, and glowing red eyes were not a good sign either. She simply sat across from Wanda within arm's reach without trying to touch her in any way again. "Let me know if you need anything else. For now, I'm just going to sit here. Is that okay?"
Wanda's head dipped briefly to nod, and she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the tears burning in them. Why was Nat still staying there now? It was one thing to take care of an injured teammate, quite another to deal with her getting so anxious and freaked out that she had made herself sick. I should be able to...not be like this. It's not even the first time. After a minute or two, she dropped the washcloth and signed, S-O-R-R-Y. I W-O-N-T U-S-E I-T O-N Y-O-U, not wanting Natasha to think she was going to poke around in her head again or something just because her eyes were glowing red.
"I know you won't. If I put a bit of soap on that washcloth, do you want to rinse your face a bit? It might help." Natasha was relieved to receive another tiny nod, and Wanda shakily fumbled for the cloth and held it out, her eyes still screwed shut. "Hey, I don't mind seeing the red eyes, it's okay."
It is? Wanda still did not open her eyes, but she felt minutely better. Probably they weren't glowing anymore anyway. Mostly her ribs and throat just hurt quite a bit more than what was usual now, and it had scared her, reminding her of being in that place all over again, even though she knew she had caused the pain herself by throwing up. There was not anyone hurting her here, no one entertained by watching her seize on the floor or cry by accident. The cool tile floor did not help, either, and she shivered, pushing herself farther into the corner. Stop it. I am not there anymore. I'm not.
...that's where I'm supposed to be, not here, shaking on the floor with someone trying to take care of me. Stupid. What is wrong with me? I don't want that power any more. I don't know what to do with it. I don't even know how to find out what my real limits are.
You could handle it better if you weren't such a mess. Come on, you know those dead people in Lagos weren't really your fault. It just feels like it. Let your friends help you, Wanda. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean you have to shut down. You know this. We didn't have anyone but us. You have a very real family right there willing to help you.
There's something wrong with me.
There's something wrong with everyone, not just you. You should explain what happened so they can help. I'm not really there, you know.
I know. I will sound crazy.
Does it matter? Friends do not care about that. Those are your friends. They won't care. They might even have felt like that before themselves, you don't know. Wanda did finally open her eyes, feeling all too aware that she probably shouldn't let herself retreat into her own thoughts like that if she could help it, but Pietro was not here now, and imagining that he was...helped. "Can't...talk," she forced out finally. H-U-R-T-S. There. At least Nat would know why she was not saying anything and that she was trying her best not to freak herself out any further.
"That's fine. You don't have to. I'm going to give you the cloth again. Is that okay?"
Nod.
"All right. Don't scrub your face, just pat lightly." Natasha was hesitant to let Wanda do that herself, because the girl probably would rub at her skin hard right now, being frustrated and upset with herself. Thankfully, Wanda seemed to listen. "Okay, give that one back. Here is a dry towel. Now pat dry. Then I need you to look at those cuts on your side and make sure you didn't tear them up throwing up. I will turn around, but I'm not leaving you alone, either. You can tug my arm or something when you're finished if you can't talk yet."
The simple instructions helped give her something to focus on. Wanda nodded a bit and slowly did as she was told. I don't think I tore anything open. It just...hurts. Everything hurts. I wish it was just the physical hurt. I'm so, so tired. I try to get better, do something right, and something just...yanks me down again. When she hesitantly tugged her friend's arm, Natasha immediately turned back around, so she just signed that she thought it was fine and her ribs just hurt worse right now.
"Can you breathe okay?" Nat asked, thinking that the answer probably was yes; Wanda's breathing did not sound strained-she just had that anxious pained expression still on her face.
Wanda nodded. She did not want to take deep breaths right now, but that part was okay. There was a familiar voice asking if everything was fine. Clint. He's in the bedroom and if he knows what happened, he is going to be upset.
"We will be," Natasha said firmly. "Will you bring us the juice box from the nightstand, please?"
Wanda swiped at her eyes, trying to get rid of any residual sign of tears, but she knew the second Clint saw her sitting on the floor in the bathroom, he would know quite well what had happened, even if he didn't know why. Sure enough, he knocked on the open door, came in, and instantly looked mad and upset. I-M F-I-N-E, she signed quickly.
"Then why aren't you saying it out loud?"
Nat sat back down cross legged on the floor with the juice box in hand. "Clint, chill. She felt nauseous, that's all, she'll be okay. Wanda, please sip this. I'm going to go reheat the rest of the dinner if that's okay."
Wanda nodded again and accepted the juice. Clint was not going to leave her there; she did not have to be alone regardless of the scolding, depressing niggling in her head that they should all leave her alone. So there. Shut up. I'm not listening to those thoughts. I won't.
"I know you're not fine. You don't have to pretend...don't do that on my account." Clint frowned, not liking that Wanda didn't really react much and just continued slowly sipping her juice, her good hand still shaking a bit.
I don't want him to not be fine himself, that's all. Wanda still remembered Nat telling her the guys weren't fine either, and while she knew it wasn't what Natasha had meant for her to take away from the conversation, she also knew much of the problem was simply from watching her be hurt in that prison and not being able to do anything about it. She had probably made that worse for Hawkeye by talking to him telepathically so often. Between that and the fact I literally made him feel how awful I felt, too...I messed up. I really messed up. Setting the now-empty juice box on the floor, she signed, I K-N-O-W I M-A-D-E I-T W-O-R-S-E F-O-R Y-O-U.
"You didn't make that place worse for me or the others. The guards and Ross made it worse, not you. Heck, even that permanent harsh lighting sucked, and that had nothing to do with you whatsoever," Clint told her.
Wanda didn't smile, her expression remaining neutral, signing that bad lighting would not make him upset, just tired. I'm not stupid. I know quite well that prison would not be run well whether I was there or not, but I also know he would not be acting all...weird now if I hadn't been there, or even if I had just been treated exactly the same as the rest. We would have just all been grumpy and tired...and probably very bored.
Wanda also knew if that had happened, if she had been given a normal cell and not been kept constantly restrained like that the whole time, she would have gotten the team and herself out on her own very quickly. At that point, all that she would have needed to do was wait a few hours, maybe a day or so at the absolute most, for her energy to replenish from the airport fight and that was it. There was a very, very real reason she hadn't been treated the same as the rest, and knowing that was frustrating.
She nodded when Clint asked if she wanted to go lie down again, and didn't say or sign anything else until she was back in her bed. The warm blankets helped too, and she did not feel so shaky and sick anymore. Y-O-U K-N-E-W, she signed finally.
"I knew what?"
W-H-A-T W-O-U-L-D H-A-P-P-E-N T-O M-E T-H-E-R-E. And that is why you tried to make me run and abandon everyone in the airport.
Clint scowled and perched himself on the edge of the bed. "I knew you wouldn't be treated fairly. Not...as bad what actually happened, no, but I suspected they would at best have some kind of unique restraints to hold you. You would get out immediately otherwise, and probably be able to get the rest of us out too. The rest of us are ordinary people, really, when we're not suited up or armed, except you and Steve, and of the two of you, it's a lot easier to see exactly what Steve can and can't do with his enhancements. Yours have very unclear limits and applications, and people get scared of what they don't understand. Worse, you are a girl and you're not an American citizen, which are more reasons for assholes like Ross to be unfair. So yeah. I knew immediately regardless of where we were taken that you being there would be bad. Look, if you hadn't been in there, I'm sure Sam, Scott, and I would've been smacked around a little more in those interrogation sessions than we were. But they were never going to put the rest of us in those inhumane restraints 24/7."
Wanda blinked and just stared at him. They literally couldn't put me in a normal cell with normal monitoring or whatever. If I'm a criminal, what were they supposed to do with me if they actually cared about treating prisoners decently? She did not know how to answer that question, even to herself. W-O-U-L-D E-S-C-A-P-E. T-H-E-Y H-A-D T-O.
"They did not. There was absolutely no reason for any of that nonsense to be going on. If all they were concerned about was you escaping, then..." Clint trailed off, remembering what had happened during the successful escape. She'd temporarily created a bulletproof shield across the elevator. She'd mind-controlled Damian into helping them. Sure, doing the latter had knocked her unconscious, but still. Even the failed escape earlier on was more proof the girl was most certainly not as restrained as it seemed. And she had been speaking telepathically to him all the time until she couldn't from being too weak and hurt to continue. Clint suspected she could have manipulated the guards by doing that if she really wanted to, simply by disturbing and confusing them, without mind-controlling them at all. The Raft personnel was very lucky Wanda was not really some malicious murderous criminal, no matter what the law said right now, else she would have caused much more damage than she had simply trying to escape.
Now Clint thought he wished Wanda did unleash everything she had in that place, that he had told her to do it and to hell with cooperating or anything of the sort. But he'd been so worried someone would kill her the more she fought back, and what happened after the failed escape attempt appeared to confirm that fear to be legitimate.
Wanda's green eyes glinted sharply. "See?" Y-O-U K-N-O-W T-O-O. Clint knows as well as I do. He's just being biased because he cares what happens to me.
"Wanda, the point is if all they cared about was containing you, there was no need for ANY of what was happening at all except for putting that torture device on you in the first place. You shouldn't have been constantly tied up like that, the collar was way too tight, I could go on and on. It also could've been made as an ankle monitor or a cuff bracelet instead of a collar. That would still suck, but it would have been far better than what happened."
And then I'd be studying it constantly until I figured out how to rip it off, Wanda thought darkly, knowing quite well if that had happened, she also might have simply broken her own bones on purpose to pull herself free. Or taunted Ross into hurting her so she could do so. It would work, too; she was sure of it. She couldn't do anything like that with it locked around her neck. D-I-D T-O-N-Y T-E-L-L Y-O-U B-E-F-O-R-E...M-A-D-E... Wanda's fingers went to the bandages on her neck, her green eyes shining with tears again.
"No, he most definitely did not. If I'd known he designed that thing, I'd have chewed him out for it and taken you back to the farm with Laura and the littles to stay if you let me. Hell, if all of this Accords mess ever gets straightened out, you can come now if you want to. Tell Nat I said so. She'd bring you immediately." Clint grew more concerned when the tears finally spilled over and Wanda instinctively reached to hug him. "Hey, I was supposed to finally get to retire anyway. I think Laura and I can handle having one more kid at home. Yeah, yeah, I know, you're going to tell me you're not a kid. Too bad."
I don't care right now. Whatever still bothered her knowing Tony had created that thing, it paled in comparison to knowing Clint would have been willing to take her in, Avenger or not, if he'd known and she let him and Laura do so. I could help take care of Lila and Cooper and Nate, and Vis could come over and I could have my own little house eventually and...wait. Why am I thinking that? I don't even know if he likes me any more. And realistically fixing the Accords is never going to happen anyway.
Natasha had decided that slogging through and cataloguing that security footage was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. "Up to the morning on day 8," she muttered to herself later that night. Not even quite halfway. After a few minutes more, seeing Wanda literally thrown back into that cell and not moving, Sam trying to negotiate getting food to a barely conscious Wanda and then Scott giving his own to her since he was the only one the guards were inclined to allow out, she slapped the laptop closed. Then she immediately glanced over at Wanda, worried she might have woken her up by the noise, but Wanda remained sleeping. She appeared to be okay other than shivering a bit, her expression mostly peaceful regardless. She's here now, she's safe. This was weeks ago. No one is going to do anything like that to her anymore.
Nat impulsively pulled another extra blanket out and draped it over Wanda, who seemed cold so often since the rescue. She made sure Wanda's injured arm was still propped up with pillows before tucking a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. "It will not happen anymore," Natasha whispered. Never again.
"...Nat?" Wanda asked sleepily. There's something touching me. No, it's just Nat. I don't know what she's doing but she won't hurt me. "Осећаш се тужно." You feel sad. "Не буди тужан." Don't be sad.
Natasha knew Wanda probably was sensing her feelings instinctively because she was half asleep, but she did not care right now. She stayed next to Wanda until she was fully asleep again. There was no way she was going to talk to Wanda about that video footage anytime soon, and she was tempted to ask Laura to help go through it, but she didn't want to put Laura through that. Clint was decidedly not an option; he was already upset and snappish. That would not help. But trudging through it alone made her want to destroy something, and she had not even been there. No wonder Clint is acting like he does.
Nat paced the room silently until she felt her burner phone vibrate in her pocket. 'You coming back? I know you rescued your Avenger friends by now.'
'I can't. If I do, you become a fugitive too.'
'Well don't be caught, sestra. What was all that training for then?'
'One of them is badly hurt. I can't leave yet.'
'Bet it's the one you replaced me with. Bring her, I want to see my replacement'
'She's not a replacement. I have room enough for two baby sisters. Maybe once she's recovered. She would like you.'
'AHA KNEW IT WAS THAT ONE'
Then, before Natasha could type a reply to this clearly satisfied comment, another message came through. 'Why do you have to stay with her right now? That's not fair'
'Because if I leave her right now, she won't be safe. You are safe right now. I'm sorry. I'll come as soon as I can.'
'You better have a really good reason not to just bring her now. Nat hoarder. Another teammate can't watch her? I want to see you, F the accords'
'I'll figure something out. She's the only other girl on the team. I feel responsible for making sure she's taken care of.'
'Well, bring her the second you can travel then'
'Noted.' Nat had no intentions of bringing up trying to plan a visit to see Yelena yet; if she did tell Wanda about it, Wanda would inevitably feel guilty that they could not go anywhere right now, and then she'd probably be very upset and try to make Natasha go visit her sister alone regardless. There was no way she would leave Wanda alone until she could take care of herself again at least.
On the fifth day in the vacation house, she finally asked Natasha if it was okay for them to go outside onto the balcony deck attached to the bedroom. The curtains were open, and the gray clouds outside seemed oddly inviting rather than gloomy to her. Being cooped up indoors seeing nothing but the bedroom and bathroom for days didn't bother Wanda, especially since the house was so homey and pleasant, all the more so after three weeks stuck in the Raft; but she suddenly really, really wanted to go outdoors, even if it was just to sit out there instead of inside. She knew she wasn't strong enough to do much more than that yet.
"Of course." Nat sounded like she had been waiting for Wanda to ask that.
"I...I think I'd like to go outside now. Please." Wanda did not feel back to normal by any stretch of the imagination, but she did feel improved than just a few days prior. The few steps just to go out onto the deck should be fine, she hoped, as long as she had help. She hesitantly slid her feet to the floor, her eyes glued to the sore ankle wrapped in a brace. What if it won't hold me? It doesn't matter, I'm not alone anymore.
"You want to try walking to the deck yourself." Natasha quickly looped Wanda's good arm over her own shoulders and pulled her gently to her feet. "Don't overthink it. I will not let you fall, I promise."
Wanda thought this was ridiculous; a month ago she was running around fighting in that airport and now she needed help to simply walk a few feet outside. "I hate needing help," she muttered.
"I know you do, but you are already so much better. You'll be fine. Give yourself some more time." They slowly made their way outside, Wanda leaning heavily on her friend for support, partially because she didn't trust her injured ankle one bit and partially because she still felt unbalanced and shaky, her legs weak after not standing or walking for so long. The balcony deck was long, appearing to be the entire length of the upper floor of the house, overlooking a fairly steep hill dropoff below to some trees, with more woods and larger mountains in the distance. Wanda thought the view was lovely. "Thank you for bringing me out here," she said quietly. Even the air was pleasant; it was quite warm, but there was a nice breeze, and it smelled like rain. Wanda closed her eyes, enjoying the breeze and just...being outdoors for a bit. I like it here. I wish things could stay calm like this forever.
"I'm just glad you're feeling strong enough to do so," Natasha replied immediately. It concerned her somewhat that Wanda hadn't immediately rejected help or insisted on walking outside on her own, because if she didn't do that, she probably still felt worse than she appeared to. But it was a major relief that her younger teammate had finally initiated an effort and request to go do something, even if it was something as small as simply going outside. So far, Wanda had not asked for anything, not food, water, clothes, blankets, books, movies, or anything else. She would accept things when offered them, and answer questions regarding a preference between things if asked directly, but she didn't ask for anything herself.
It had not been noticeable at first, but Wanda's request to go outside cemented it. Nat did not like that Wanda seemed hesitant to actually ask for something. "You do know you can ask for whatever you want. No one minds."
Wanda opened her eyes and glanced at Natasha in confusion. "I know. I don't want to be..." she searched for the correct words, "...burden? I'm not...scared to ask." Yes, I am. I asked Laura what Tony told her, but that was it. I am being ridiculous.
"I didn't say you were. Is there something you should talk about, maybe?" Natasha asked carefully, thinking that Wanda probably did indeed feel scared to ask for things, even if she logically knew she didn't need to be.
She knows. Why did I say that? Wanda didn't answer right away, but she pulled herself away and held onto the balcony railing instead, leaning on that. Natasha reluctantly let her go, but stayed within arm's reach anyway, just in case. "I know I'm safe here," she murmured finally.
"But...?" Nat prompted.
But I'm still scared. I don't want to care about what happened in that prison, but I do anyway. I'm constantly reminding myself I'm okay, I'm not there. And then I have to think it again and again, because I might be imagining things, because being here feels too nice to be real. "I can't explain," Wanda said finally. "It does not make sense."
...what if I have just convinced myself all of this is real and I'm still stuck there in that prison and no one came for me at all? It's possible. I can make other people believe things are real. What if I can do that to myself? Tiny red wisps floated around Wanda's good hand clenching the railing. She instantly pulled her hand away, stumbling backwards, and she would have fallen if Natasha hadn't caught her. "I hate my head. I don't...want it anymore." I didn't want it before and I don't want it now, either. "I am safe, and it...still thinks I am not. I might have imagined all of this. That I'm here at all." I pretended Pietro was here with me. Maybe I imagine Nat too.
"Wanda, look at me. Real. All real. I promise." Natasha quickly gave the younger girl a hug, hoping it would help to have something tangible and solid holding her. "Look at the clouds. We can smell the trees. Feel the splinters on the railing. Hear birds. You certainly haven't poked in my head, I would know. And I am sure I'm seeing and hearing the same things you are right now. If you imagined all of this and everything that happened since the escape, including me talking to you now, well, that's a damn detailed, realistic, long dream and I'm impressed."
Wanda found herself trying to hold back a laugh hearing that. Put that way, it really did sound ridiculous. "Thank you. I'm sorry." She let herself be led over to one of the reclining deck chairs and sat down. I felt anxious and whatever else before, too, just not as...badly. She knew quite well that, for her, this was not only from the whole Raft experience; that just exacerbated problems that were already present. But she would take this any day over how she had felt immediately after losing Pietro. Even little Lila appeared to recognize that she was more okay now than back then, and Wanda suspected Lila was less bothered by seeing her injured than she might have been otherwise because she was used to seeing her dad and 'Auntie Nat' appearing at her home injured.
Wanda thought she would also take being left in that disturbing sensory deprived solitary thing until she went crazy and lost her senses entirely if it meant she could bring her twin back.
"And asking for things is not being burdensome, either. You know this."
They might get tired of me, they might send me back, they might turn me in if I'm too much of a problem. "не неће. Не буди глуп," Wanda ordered herself, and then realized she had spoken out loud and instinctively tensed. No, they won't. Do not be stupid. "...I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"знаш да те разумем," Natasha interrupted her. You know I understand you. She was not at all surprised hearing Wanda lapse into her native Sokovian when talking to herself; the girl had done that many times before. However, Nat was also the only one on the team able to understand and speak it besides Vision, who seemed to have instantly learned or "downloaded" the language upon realizing it was Wanda's. "Who is 'they', and what are you trying to convince yourself that 'they' won't do?"
Wanda was not at all keen on answering this, because again, she thought it was illogical and ridiculous. Of course they were not going to send her away anywhere or turn her in, not after going to all the trouble of rescuing her and trying to help her heal. That did not make any sense. Nat won't drop that. She will keep asking and asking until I tell her, because she's trying to help. "All of...you. Send me away."
Natasha studied Wanda closely. She had her arms wrapped around her middle again, the exact same way she had been restrained for weeks. "No one is going to send you anywhere. You are safe here. Or, I suppose, as safe as we can make it."
I know. Wanda nodded and didn't say anything else. She did know that, but those other thoughts were still there poking at her all the same. At least she did not feel like she was on the verge of breaking down at the moment. The breeze was nice, Natasha was sitting next to her but letting her have a bit of space, and she could hear-sense, really-Cooper and Lila playing outside on the other side of the house. Maybe I could try doing something on purpose with my powers again. Maybe it would help prevent any more...accidental incidents, even if they are just harmless ones. It still didn't want to do anything intentionally; every time she did that, it felt like she was forcing it and painfully tearing bits of herself away inside. Yet these unintentional accidents like crushing the glass, sensing the intruding raccoons, and the scarlet wisps she had just made a few minutes ago didn't hurt at all. The floating plushies and Lila incident didn't seem like she should count that, since she'd been on pain medication when that happened.
At this point, she had concluded there was nothing wrong with her magic at all, and it was some kind of weird mental block instead.
"I would like to...do something," Wanda ventured after a minute or two more of silence, purposely yanking a few more wisps of magic free so that her hand was hazed in scarlet again. Maybe if I just force it enough times, it will go back to normal. "Practice like...back at the Compound."
Natasha gave her a concerned look. It was good that Wanda was requesting something else, but that was way too much way too fast. "You needed help just to walk from the bedroom out here, and then you nearly fell when I let go of you. What is it you wanted to do exactly?"
"Fix...this. I..." Wanda considered how she could explain herself. "I'm not sure it's...my power that isn't...working right. I think it is...me. My mind." And that makes no sense either. I can move things with my mind, so yes, the magic itself isn't working right.
"I'm not sure I understand. If you feel like your mind isn't letting you access your power normally, that is your magic, isn't it?"
Wanda did not trust herself to explain the problem verbally, so she switched back to signing again. S-T-A-R-T-E-D F-E-E-L-I-N-G W-R-O-N-G A-F-T-E-R A-R-M H-U-R-T. "I think..." she hesitated, thinking her current theory sounded odd and didn't make sense, "...it was trying to..." P-R-O-T-E-C-T M-E. Like it's smashed into an anxious, flattened, broken thing, even though I can still feel it there.
Nat considered this information. We really don't know enough about how Wanda's abilities work at all. She doesn't know, I certainly don't, and Clint doesn't either. Though, he might have some idea since he was there with her. "Protect you from being hurt further?" she asked cautiously, unsure how much Wanda wanted to share, or even knew. She certainly couldn't remember every detail of what had happened on the Raft anyway, not when they'd been drugging her with who knew what on top of the repeated shocks, lack of sleep, and everything else. Natasha knew Wanda had not shared anywhere near everything that had happened to her that she did remember, either. Going through more of that security footage herself over the last few days said that much, and those videos didn't even contain the worst of it. Nat kept seeing her removed from the cell and then more often than not, thrown back into it unconscious and always in worse condition than she had left it. While she did not have any footage from wherever the interrogation room was, it was more than obvious what was going on. Whatever had happened to her during and immediately after the failed escape attempt had clearly affected Wanda the most, and Nat wished she knew exactly what it was so that she could try to help Wanda better now.
Wanda nodded slowly. I thought it was just because I couldn't focus properly the more time that passed, but I'm alert now, and it still isn't working right. "Not that it helped any, but...I think so."
"Maybe if it started acting strangely after your arm was injured, it will heal too when your arm feels better," Natasha suggested. That was from the escape attempt, but I don't believe for a second that's what really disturbed her back then. No way.
I don't care, I want it to work now. I can't have it messed up for some indeterminate amount of time until that heals. Wanda still felt deeply uneasy about the damage her magic could-and had-caused previously, but she hated it being there and not behaving normally, not knowing if it might unintentionally make some harmful mistake much worse than crushing a glass in her fist or sensing some animals in the garage. Besides, she still didn't know exactly what was wrong her arm in the first place; she had no memories of anyone taking care of it on the quinjet at all, and she hadn't asked Natasha, either. She had just woken up with it already treated and put in the splint. "I think...that I need it to...function properly long before...that," she said slowly. I don't want us to have to leave here without that.
Though Wanda was disillusioned with herself for messing up, for hurting those poor people in Lagos, for failing to free herself and the others from the Raft, and numerous other things...she also was quite certain that the same power she didn't even really want was something the entire group of fugitives could use as a sort of failsafe. I will not use any mind tricks on innocents, but I would wreck Ross if I absolutely had to. "If we...leave here...I need it."
The two of them looked up after hearing a door slam to see Clint walking over. "Hey. Nice to see you outside," he said immediately. "What is it we need once leaving here?"
"My power working correctly," Wanda muttered, clearly frustrated.
"She wants to practice like we used to at the Compound...says her magic started feeling wrong after her arm was injured, that it was trying to protect her in some way from being hurt further by hiding away inside somehow," Natasha told him. "You want to explain instead?"
Wanda shook her head and didn't say anything. Clint looked so hopeful and happy that she was feeling strong enough to venture outside, and if she also explained that she suspected her own anxiety and whatever else was wrong with her head was messing up her use of those abilities, he would be upset yet again. Except, now Nat was telling him anyway, because she had said she didn't want to explain herself, and she gave Natasha a displeased look. Wanda did notice that her friend didn't use broken or mess to describe the issues at all.
"...so, obviously we don't have any way to know, but maybe her power is acting up because of her mental state rather than because she's physically injured." Natasha could see Wanda tense, but she didn't react beyond that.
"I want to practice," Wanda whispered, her expression determined. My powers not hurting me when I'm taking that medicine I don't like does not count. I don't care what the reasoning is, if it's that I'm mentally sick, then fine, I still need to make it work anyway, because those problems do not completely go away. They just...improve. "This did not happen," she switched to signing, W-H-E-N I L-O-S-T P-I-E-T-R-O.
Clint appeared more upset than he had before. "She's right. I think..." he paused, remembering the weeks right after Ultron, "I think that Wanda actually is in a better state of mind now, than then. She's talking to us, she's explaining herself, and, well...she's letting us see somewhat that she isn't okay, even if she isn't letting us know everything. After the first couple days, you appeared fine for about a week back then and then you just...crashed," Clint directed the final bit to Wanda.
"Nearly literally, off the roof," Wanda deadpanned, a bit amused at her own morbid joke comment.
Two disapproving faces glared at her, but then Natasha shook her head and smiled a little. "I can't even scold you for using dark humor like that. I just can't," she said quietly, knowing quite well that she might make similarly inappropriate morbid comments like that in the younger Avenger's place too.
Clint had no wish to picture potentially losing Wanda, especially like that. "Forget the terrible jokes. Point being, maybe your magic really does just need some time to recover. We already knew that it gets loused up from electricity. It probably was trying to protect you, from receiving more shocks and harming it further. Since that happening repeatedly every single day really did scare you and made you anxious all the time...maybe now it seems to you like those negative emotions are what's causing it, rather than your abilities just needing to heal themselves?"
That...makes sense. Wanda thought this sounded reasonable, but she still needed to start with something small and help it along, then, and she did not believe for a second that was the only reason it wasn't working right. I've been tased or otherwise hurt with electricity on missions before. That takes me out temporarily for a bit, not for days with no fix in sight, and it never made my magic hurt me. It just ruins concentration and makes it impossible to focus. "Practice, still," she insisted.
Clint frowned, not liking the idea at all, but maybe practicing would help her feel less anxious and therefore also decrease any likelihood that the "blocked" power was because of that. "I'm not shooting arrows at you right now, Wanda. Not even the rubber-tipped ones."
Now Wanda's eyes brightened. This sounded promising; he was willing to at least participate in this idea.
Natasha glanced from one Avenger friend to the other, a new idea taking shape. "Does Cooper have any of his Nerf guns here, perhaps?"
"He doesn't, but there is a whole slew of them down in the rec room. I'm not letting him and Lila shoot those at her, either, not yet." Clint glanced at Wanda, who seemed to just be listening intently.
"They're only dangerous if they don't protect their eyes. So long as they do, they'll all be fine anyway," Nat pointed out. "Let Wanda sit off to the side and intercept the darts. She won't be in any danger of being hit even if she misses, and Lila and Cooper would enjoy it. Stick with baby practice for a bit, and if it goes well, she can move on and do the same with you shooting real arrows."
"I like this idea." Wanda did not think this sounded very training-like, but it definitely sounded fun. This also eliminated the logistics problem that she couldn't stand or walk much yet without help, making any normal sparring practice virtually impossible for now. Her fingers twitched with excitement, and for once she actually felt a teeny, tiny bit of the sad ball of magic inside loosen happily. It did not take much to summon it to her hand, and this time it did not feel like she was tearing something painfully that shouldn't come out. This time it only ached, as if she had trained too hard one day and then immediately turned around to repeat the same difficult routine the next morning. That I can live with.
Not wanting to disappoint her, or make her believe no one wanted her to practice again, Clint nodded and patted Wanda's shoulder. "Then we can do that. I'll stay out here with you if Nat will go collect Coop and Lila and the Nerf gear."
"You're sure you want to do this already?" Clint asked once Natasha was gone.
Wanda nodded. I think it will help...I feel so useless right now. "I need to...actively try to fix this," she explained. I don't want to just lie around and hope those powers recover back to normal. "I don't...I'm not..." Wanda wasn't sure how to explain herself further; she closed her eyes, searching for words. "I'm not stupid. I know, um..." she finally just glanced at Clint shyly and gestured at her splinted arm. "I don't know what...is wrong with it, exactly. But..." Tired of talking, Wanda switched back to signing that she wanted to make sure her magic would function properly regardless of whether her arm healed quickly or not.
"It still hurts bad, doesn't it." Clint sounded grumpy and concerned again, and not at all like that was a question.
"...Yeah." Feels much better than it did on the Raft, though. Wanda did not think it would do any good to lie to her friend about that. "I...can't fix that. I can fix the magic." I hope. She experimentally moved her fingers and then tried to close her bad hand into a fist, which definitely made the injured arm hurt even more, but at least she knew she could, in fact, move her hand properly, more or less. "I'm sorry I...transmitted pain before. I swear I never meant to...d-do that."
"Don't you dare be sorry for that," Clint ordered, voice more snappish than before. Then he felt worse because his tone made Wanda flinch, and he started pacing again. "I'm sorry."
Wanda watched him for a few seconds and then just said quietly, "Don't you be sorry."
"I did fetch you from the Compound. If I hadn't, you would never have been in that airport to start with," Clint pointed out, ceasing the pacing and returning to sit next to her. "No airport battle, no Raft."
"Still my choice." I could have said no. I could have stayed on fancy house arrest with Vision not letting me leave. Wanda stared out at the landscape and signed, D-I-D-N-T R-U-N L-I-K-E I W-A-S T-O-L-D. She glanced at Hawkeye after a moment's more of silence. "I have regrets. But not for that. And..." Wanda hesitated again, closing her eyes, thinking that the other feeling she had was ridiculous and a bit rude. "I think that..." Y-O-U N-E-E-D-E-D M-E. "In the...airport."
Much to her surprise, Clint actually laughed. "Yeah. That's very true. It's...nice to hear you say that. You did a great job playing support, and you helped Steve and Bucky escape lifting that tower."
Wanda gingerly leaned back in her deck chair, tired of sitting up on her own by now, using her good hand to support her injured arm as usual. It probably is a bit soon to attempt any kind of practice, but I hate lying around doing nothing. "I did one thing right."
"...Are you absolutely certain you're up to this practicing idea already?"
Wanda wondered what she had done to make Clint suspicious she was pushing herself too much. "I'm fine." I'm outside, I have a friend sitting with me, and I might still feel awful, but it's...better. I'm not all dizzy and nauseous anymore, either.
"Kid, you still can barely move without wincing, and you look tired just from walking outside for a few minutes to sit. You say 'I'm fine' regardless of whether you are or not. I want you to practice, but not if it's going to make things worse." Clint paused before adding, "Look, I'm just worried you're going to hurt yourself further. Not taking you to a hospital is bad enough already. We don't need you injuring yourself more by overdoing things."
"You can't risk...taking me to one, thank goodness." Wanda didn't even like being in the medbay back at the compound, let alone any hospitals. Too many wires and tubes and whatever else poking her that reminded her of being back with Hydra. I'm glad we can't take me to one. I'm fine.
"I know, but I don't like it. Nat and I aren't doctors. We have experience dealing with serious emergencies, sure, but more to just keep a person stable until we get to a professional. And we don't leave things like your arm untreated for two weeks." Clint sighed and went back to pacing.
"I trust you and Nat," she whispered. "I'm okay." I don't trust very many people, but them, I do. At least when I'm...thinking clearly.
"That's nice you trust us. I'm still concerned that arm isn't going to heal correctly because we didn't do a good enough job."
Wanda looked down at her arm and then back at Clint. I should just...ask. I keep avoiding asking. "Is it that bad?" I just thought it still hurt so much now, because nobody did anything for it for so long.
Clint gave her a puzzled look, wondering why Natasha hadn't told her, or if not, why Wanda herself hadn't asked. "You had a dislocated elbow and a greenstick fracture according to the portable scanner back on the quinjet, the latter of which is very odd since normally kids get those. That just means a bone cracked rather than completely broke."
"Admitting I'm not a kid?" Wanda's expression seemed amused and more relaxed now, and she wondered why she hadn't just asked Nat much earlier. That didn't sound so bad. Maybe it doesn't really hurt that much and it just feels like it does to me? Because I am still so tired all the time? I don't know.
"Small kids. Normally small children like Lila or Nate would get that type of fracture. Even Coop is getting a bit old. I have no idea how you ended up with one. Maybe your magic helped you a little or something. I don't know." Clint was mostly just glad there hadn't been any other more complicated damage, because otherwise he and Nat wouldn't have been able to put her elbow back in place. "Remember that time you went on a mission with Nat and you were shot?"
"Which time?"
Clint's disapproving gaze made Wanda look a bit sorry; she knew he thought she took too many risks with her own safety on missions, because she simply didn't care all that much so long as she performed the mission successfully. "The first time. You two were clearing out that small leftover Hydra building, the roof started collapsing, and you were holding it up while Nat took out the threats. I seem to remember it was supposed to be an easy mission, but there were more men there than the intel said. You could have died; you freaked Nat out. She called the farm and told me all about it."
"...Oh." Wanda remembered this clearly; she'd used herself as a shield to protect Natasha at one point, thinking that she could still do her own role even if hit as long as she was prepared for it. Now, she knew quite well she could have shifted her control over the small collapsing portion of the roof to one hand and shielded Nat and herself with the other instead, rather than intentionally taking a bullet. Back then she hadn't trusted herself to do that; it had been only the second mission she'd been on and she was eager to prove herself and really didn't want to risk making any power mistakes. And now I have messed up anyway.
She could remember losing control of the roof for a split second before grabbing it again, enough that it hit the taller men's heads, knocking them out...and then Nat grabbed her and carried her outside. Wanda's memories were a bit fuzzy past that, but she did remember there was blood everywhere and that she'd had the weird thought that it was good she was already wearing red because it wouldn't show as much. Always-calm Natasha looked extremely worried, Wanda had pulled the bullet out herself with her magic, and put her hand over the wound, thinking she could hold it together with her own telekinesis until Natasha had gotten her back to safety. At some point she'd passed out and woken up in the medbay back at the Compound (which she hated), with multiple puzzled, relieved faces all staring at her.
There was a nice scar on her side from the incident, but nothing else, and it had healed quickly enough that it baffled everyone, including her. Wanda knew she hadn't literally healed herself, since it still took a couple weeks or so, and she had actively tried to do so since on other occasions and failed entirely, so she had concluded that no, her powers did not, in fact, allow her to do that. But clearly her magic had done something back then to keep her alive. Maybe Clint was right, and this was some tiny, tiny thing it had done now to help protect her.
"Yeah, oh. Point being, that incident could have been even worse, and you healed quicker than you should have, too. Maybe your abilities don't heal things, exactly, but they definitely helped you back then, and now...well, I'm glad that fracture isn't any worse than it is, but you should not have it. Your magic is the only logical explanation."
Well, I wish it would have just fixed it entirely if it is going to do weird things I'm not even conscious of. "I wish it would make it...s-stop hurting, then," Wanda said. Also, how would that even be possible? I don't understand.
"...Maybe you should just lie down again and entertain Lila floating those stuffed animals of hers around the room." Clint sounded all concerned again. If Wanda admitted out loud that she was hurting, that meant it must be really bad, because she wasn't claiming she was fine.
"Let me try this. Please," Wanda replied softly. If I fail or I make myself faint again, then fine, but I want to get back to...regular me. I hate this, I want to forget about all of it.
A/N: soooo Wanda is slowly recovering from the Raft ordeal, she's starting to feel stronger and she's wanting to Actively Do Things now where before she was just laying about getting some much-needed rest.
Kinda wanted to, again, poke at what her magic is able to do in the future to heal her; she can't do anything like that right now or in the past obviously, but under dire circumstances it might do some tiny thing to help protect her. (she's basically using another probability hex unconsciously here during the past mission incident where she purposely took a bullet to protect Nat, and now with her fractured arm, but obviously she doesn't have any name for/knowledge of that and neither do her teammates.
Next chapter coming soon!
