Kevin took another minute to collect himself before following Alexis's lead and exiting the bathroom. Much like the last time he'd had sex with her, the panic began to set in immediately. He couldn't believe he'd been so reckless as to do this again and at Castle's Christmas party no less. There was something about Alexis that just made him lose all reason. She had been looking at him like he hung the moon and his willpower had evaporated.

He pushed down these thoughts, hoping to repress the whole encounter until he could get home and properly analyze the implications of what happened. For now, he had to go out there and interact with the family of the far too young woman he'd just defiled. Kevin checked himself in the mirror, straightening his tie and smoothing down his vest before taking a deep breath and venturing out to the bar.

Nobody was where he had left them, a reminder that the world had continued to turn while for him time felt like it had stopped. He quickly noticed Alexis by the bar, giggling with Lanie as they waited on their drinks. Javier was leading Beckett around the dance floor, in an attempt at something that vaguely resembled a waltz. Castle was watching his wife twirling happily from the table he sat at alone, a smile on his face. He caught Kevin's eye and waved him over. A sick feeling formed in the pit of his stomach, but his feet carried him over to join Castle regardless.

"Hey Ryan! Where'd you disappear to?" the older man asked.

"Oh, um, I stepped out to take a phone call from my sister, Gwen," Kevin lied smoothly. "She wanted to make sure I don't forget to pick up an apple pie from Magnolia Bakery before I drive out to Pearl River for Christmas Eve tomorrow."

Castle chuckled at that, and Kevin was relieved that his friend hadn't picked up on his dishonesty. "Your family would live in Pearl River. The most Irish town in New York."

"Don't I know it," the Irish detective replied, but before he could continue Beckett and Esposito came tumbling into the booth, taking seats beside their respective partners.

Javier took one long look at Kevin, then turned to address the couple across from them while ruffling the smaller man's hair, "My boy here needs another beer. We'll be back."

He grabbed Kevin by the shoulder and started hauling him out of the booth towards the bar. As soon as they were out of sight, Esposito pinned him with a disappointed look. Kevin decided at that moment that his partner knew him too well, since he was apparently unable to keep secrets from him anymore.

"You're a dumbass," Javi sternly reprimanded him.

"I know," he replied.

"At least we're on the same page," Javier shook his head, then finished his path to the bar and ordered two beers for the pair. "Look I did my best to keep Beckett and Castle distracted when I noticed you wander off with her, but you better hope nobody else from the precinct saw you two."

"Thank you, Javi," Kevin earnestly acknowledged the other man's assistance, "for having my back, even when I'm fucking everything up."

Esposito patted him on the back, "'Til the wheels fall off, man."

He grabbed his beer and headed back to the booth, leaving Kevin in his wake. He followed his partner to rejoin their friends, but it wasn't long before the younger detective called it a night. Kevin needed the time to reflect on his recent choices.


The next afternoon found Kevin walking up the front drive of his childhood home, apple pie in one hand and a tote bag full of gifts in the other. He stood on the front porch reluctant to knock on the door and face his parents. Since he and Jenny first separated, he'd been avoiding coming to visit. The moment he'd gotten married his parents hadn't been open about their desire for him to 'carry on the Ryan name' and move back to Pearl River to raise kids. Kevin had no intention of leaving Manhattan, but they'd been adamant that it was only a matter of time before he changed his mind. He knew the announcement of his divorce had crushed their dreams of populating the neighborhood with their children and grandchildren.

Kevin knocked and braced himself to come face to face with his parents, but instead the door was opened by his five-year-old nephew, Finn. The little blonde boy beamed up at him, and Kevin felt his heart overflow with joy as he was reminded why he usually came to family holidays. The love he had for his family was immense, and he was suddenly glad not to have skipped out on Christmas like he had Thanksgiving. It was time to shed the shame he'd been carrying since the divorce and start appreciating the loved ones who were still part of his life.

"Uncle Kev! You're here!" Finn excitedly greeted him, then wrapped his arms around Kevin, hugging his legs.

"Hey, little man! I've missed you," he said enthusiastically.

He followed his nephew as the energetic boy tugged him to the kitchen by the leg of his slacks. Rounding the corner, he found Gwen and his father sitting at the table, while his mother flitted around the room working on lunch for the family. "Uncle Kev is here!" Finn announced as they came into the kitchen.

Kevin managed to set the apple pie on the counter, before his mother pulled him into a tight hug. The petite woman pulled back and held his face in her hands looking at him with a soft expression, "My baby. I'm so glad you're home."

"Thanks, ma. Me too. I've missed you," he replied, appreciating the way his mother's eyes lit up just from seeing him.

"You're so skinny. Are you hungry? Beef stew's almost ready. I'll get you a bowl," no response was needed from her son before Maeve Ryan was bustling away to feed him.

"About time you showed your face around here," Gwen chastised him from her seat at the table. "We haven't seen you since Patrick's birthday."

His younger nephew had turned three at the start of September, and Kevin had come out for the toddler's birthday party. He felt guilty, like he'd pulled focus from the child they were there to celebrate, because every member of the family felt the need to offer him pity and unsolicited life advice. The exception to that was his father. Sean Ryan, the patriarch of the Ryan clan had sat Kevin down way back at the start of his separation from Jenny to make it clear that he better fix it, because divorce was not something that Ryans did. His disdain was evident once things were finalized, and Kevin felt like an embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Gwen. I won't stay away so long again," he apologized to his sister.

"You'd better not. I'll make you pay for it," she threatened before scooping up Finn as he bounced around the room and pulling him into her lap.

Kevin turned to his father, finally, nodding his head at him in greeting. Sean grunted in return, but pulled out the seat next to him for his son to sit in. That was progress. His father had never been a particularly talkative man, until he had a few drinks in him, but his current demeanor was frosty even for him.

Frank, Gwen's husband, came into the room then, with Patrick in his arms, to join the rest of the family for lunch. They dined quickly, using the time to catch up on recent life events, and in Kevin's case food consumption, if his mother got her way. After scarfing down two bowls of stew, he offered to help his mother with dishes, but she dismissed all her offspring, insisting that only Sean help her. He knew that his mother would be using the time to push his father into easing up on him.

It was time for the boys to nap, and Gwen sent Frank to get them down before cornering Kevin in the living room. She stared at him for a few prolonged moments before she spoke, and he was sweating under the scrutiny.

Tactful as always, Gwen opened with, "You look better than you did in September. I was expecting you to still look like crap."

"Gee thanks, Gwen. Thanks for the vote of confidence," he scoffed at her.

"I'm your big sister. I get to be brutally honest, and you have to love me anyways," she shrugged then continued, "But really, what's the deal? This is your first Christmas since the divorce, and you seem weirdly okay."

When he heard his sister say it like that, it occurred to Kevin that he was surprisingly okay. He was still going through an adjustment period, figuring out how to be single again, but he wasn't hurting the way he had been at first. He was no longer waking up every morning, disappointed with what the day ahead of him held. He couldn't pinpoint when exactly he had started enjoying living his own life again.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm not that upset, at least not about Jenny being gone, which at least confirms it was the right choice. I just can't shake the feeling that I failed," he confessed to her.

"You're so hard on yourself, Kevin," Gwen consoled him. "Sometimes marriages just don't work, but that doesn't mean anyone did something wrong. You just weren't right for each other, but you still deserve to be happy. Let yourself be happy, Kev, so you can find the person who is right for you."

She pulled him into a hug and squeezed him tightly. It was incredibly comforting to know that his sister supported him unconditionally and could see good in him even when he couldn't. Kevin decided to give her words some though while he was stuck in Pearl River for the next few days. He needed to figure out what would make him happy.


A/N: Ugh writing is hard.