Chapter Seven
Max snuck a peak at the clock for what seemed like the millionth time. She rolled her eyes as she calculated that Buffy and Angel were exactly one hour late. How hard is it to just do a little recon at a freaking puppet show? It really didn't strike her as the lair of a criminal mastermind...just some freak that likes the look of drained kids with creepy smiles on their faces...
Faith was slouched in a chair trying to hide the fact that she was a little more than sleepy by covering her face with her hand as she leaned her elbow against a table. Alec was in the exact same position in the chair next to hers. Not exactly the best people to call on for watch duty. Max sighed and let her head fall onto Spike's shoulder. He made a weird snorting noise and she jumped back in alarm. He was apparently asleep as he continued to mutter something incoherent. She was only able to understand 'drowning', 'footwear', and something about cheese. She cocked her eyebrows in questioning and smiled slightly.
Max perked up suddenly as she saw Wesley, Fred, and Gunn walk towards them. Her movement caused Spike, Alec, and Faith to stir but her cell phone ringing made them jump in surprise, wide awake.
"I'm up, I'm up," Faith stated at the same time Spike said, "I prefer Jimmy Choo and some cheddar..." Max felt laughter bubbling up inside her and a small squeal popped out before she was completely laughing out loud. She wasn't the only one. Wesley, Fred, and Gunn were slightly better at disguising their laughter, but Faith and Alec were practically rolling on the floor. Spike just scowled and probably would have turned bright red if not for his extreme undeadness.
"M-Max, you should...um...answer your...phone," Gunn advised between chuckles and coughs. Max bit the inside of her cheek to stop her laughter before she took a deep breath.
"Hello?" she asked, her voice coming out slightly tight thanks to her intense efforts not to burst into another fit of giggles.
"Finally!" the irritated voice of Buffy snapped. "What took you so long to answer your damn phone?" The hostile personality was enough to sober Max.
"Buffy? Where are you?"
"Wolfram & Hart. Where else?"
"Is something wrong?"
"You have no idea..."
"What..." Max began.
"Just get to Angel's office," Buffy interrupted hastily before the familiar click of a phone hanging up stopped Max's reply.
"That was weird..." she muttered.
"Angel was the same way," Fred added. "We were just gonna go check on him...Buffy's probably there as well."
"Angel? You sounded..." Fred stopped speaking abruptly as she entered Angel's office. Her eyes widened.
"I don't even know a sodding 'Jimmy Choo' alright? You must've heard me wrong...I probably said 'Timmy...flew...with...cheddar'..." Spike's faint voice could be heard. "Yeah! That was it! Ol' Timmy from that muppet movie about Christmas or something..." He trailed off and his eyes widened in surprise as he and the others tried to rationalize the scene in front of them.
A puppet that looked exactly like Angel was sitting in his chair-which was about twice his size-with a very surreal scowl on his face, and a Buffy puppet was sitting on Angel's desk while examining her hair and height with a frantic look on her face.
"Is anyone else going to point out the irony of Spike's last comment?" Alec questioned. The Buffy puppet let out a sigh of frustration and hopped off the desk, disappearing out of view. The others quickly took a cautionary step backwards.
"This is just great..." Buffy was complaining as she came back into sight. "It's not like I'm small enough...now I'm 1/4 the size of Danny DeVito...And my hair so does not have commercial greatness." Wesley looked carefully at the Buffy and Angel puppets.
"Angel? Buffy? Is that...you?" he questioned. Before either could reply, Fred rushed over to Angel's side.
"Oh my god! Angel, you're so..." she shrugged and smiled. "Cute!" Angel let out a groan and turned away, holding his hands up.
"Fred, don't," he warned. Fred bent over to inspect his new form excitedly.
"Oh, but the little hands! And the hair...!" She scratched his head.
"Hey! You're fired!" Angel snapped.
"Sorry I'm late..." Lorne was saying as he walked into the office, but Spike's very loud laugh interrupted whatever he was going to say next.
"You're a bloody puppet!" he cried out, nearly doubling over in laughter.
"Spike..." Angel growled in warning. Spike ignored him.
"You're a wee, little puppet man!"
Angel launched himself out of his seat and flew at Spike. He stopped abruptly in mid-air. He looked from side to side to see what had caused this to happen, and found Max effortlessly holding onto his jacket, making him dangle helplessly. He opened his mouth to yell at her, but she cocked an eyebrow and sent him a deathly scary look. Spike had a smug expression on his face as he stuck his tongue out at him from behind Max. Angel was scowling as Max finally let him down.
"Hey! I'm obviously a puppet, too! You gonna try insulting me then?" Buffy dared, standing with her hands on her hips and a defiant look on her face.
"You're like freaking Miss Piggy," Faith blurted in previously contained laughter. Buffy narrowed her eyes.
"Say that again and you'll be the bacon," she threatened. Faith covered her mouth with her hand, trying to stifle her giggles.
"What happened?" Wesley asked, trying to take the focus away from fighting.
"What does it look like happened?" Buffy fumed. "Presto-devil-magico and boom! We're made out of felt and on the top of peoples' lists for singing the ABCs and going '1, 2, 3'!"
"Angel? Gonna give us a more detailed version?" Gunn prompted, ignoring Buffy's angry look.
"I don't really know what happened..." Angel answered. "We went over to Smile Time. Something mystical was definitely going on there...a spell probably. And we met this guy with a towel over his head, and something exploded!"
"Had a little gas, did you?" Spike interjected. Angel purposefully ignored him and Max gave him a small nudge.
"It's clearly some form of hex..." Wesley suggested. "Or a powerful warding magic." Lorne shrugged.
"Maybe it's some type of puppet cancer."
"I do not have puppet cancer!" Buffy and Angel argued through gritted teeth.
"Come on guys...we're freaking puppets! And there are..." Buffy began before she and Angel both glanced at the clock, gasping.
"Hey, it's Smile Time!" they chorused happily before enthusiastically running to the television set. Angel grabbed the remote control and began trying to hit the POWER button. He grumbled as his fingers were too thick to press it. He began beating the remote on the table petulantly.
"Hurry up!" Buffy snapped angrily.
"Stupid piece of crap!" Angel shouted, panting, before noticing that everyone was staring at him and Buffy. "What?" Lorne just took the remote from him and switched the tv on.
"This transformation may have altered your stress-response mechanisms," Wesley stated, receiving confused looks from both puppets.
"Huh?"
"He's saying that you have the proportionate excitability of a puppet your size," Gunn explained. Voices from the tv distracted them as they gladly began watching Smile Time. Fred picked up the phone and dialed a few numbers.
"Tracy, record the program that's running on channel 12 right now. Use everything. I'm gonna need a full-spectrum analysis."
As Angel and Buffy watched the puppets on tv, they grew increasingly angrier, grunting and making fists.
"Self-esteem is for everybody. Self-esteem is for everyone. You can dream and be anybody, but self-esteem is how you get it done. Self-esteem is how you get it..." the puppets were singing.
"How the hell are you supposed to have self-esteem when you look like Miss Piggy!" Buffy growled.
"Hah! You admit it!"
"Shut up."
"Wes, put the special ops team on red alert," Angel ordered angrily.
"Red alert?" Wesley calmly questioned.
"You heard him!"
"I want helicopters and tear gas..."
"Angel..." Gunn began.
"This is war!"
"Angel, baby...Muppet, pumpkin, uh, this show is number one in its slot. Little tykes love it all across the Southland. We can't just toss a Jihad at their studio," Lorne pointed out. Angel seemed calmer now.
"Okay. Fine. Figure out who runs 'Smile Time' and then you and Gunn go pay him a visit. Let him know we're on to him. Fred, Wes, I need you to figure out what he did to those kids...and to me and Buffy," he instructed. As Lorne, Gunn, Fred, and Wes exited the room, Faith, Alec, Max, and Spike just watched the puppets in obvious amusement.
"What are you looking at?" Buffy snarled.
"The wee little puppet people," Max retorted. If looks could kill... "Alright, fine. We'll go see if we can help the others." Spike and Faith made whining noises. Max sent them both looks. "Come on. You can tease them later..."
"But I wanna tease them now while I still have insults fresh in my mind..." Spike's voice faded out as they exited the office, leaving Angel and Buffy alone in puppet form.
"This just sucks," Buffy complained as she walked back to Angel's desk and attempted to pull herself onto Angel's chair. Angel sighed and rubbed his forehead in irritation, failing to notice Buffy falling off the chair. Only the soft thump made him go check on her.
"You okay?" he asked as he joined her behind the desk. Buffy opened her mouth to reply but someone opening the office door caused her to snap it shut.
"Angel?" Nina asked. Both puppets gasped in fright as they quickly scurried under the desk. Nina opened the door fully and walked in. "Angel?" In their hurry to hide, Buffy accidentally stepped on Angel's foot and he let out a soft yelp. Buffy smacked his head in annoyance. He gave her a warning look, which she ignored. Nina had obviously heard the noise and slowly approached their hiding place. "You-Are you under your desk?"
"No...I," Angel began hesitantly. "Yes...Was there something..."
"Well, I can see you're...busy. Listen, what I put out there last night...I don't know, if it was a problem, please..."
"Nope. No problem," Angel replied hurriedly after seeing Buffy's heated glare.
"Um...is there a reason you won't look at me?"
"'Cause I'm under my desk," Angel deadpanned.
"Angel..." Nina began again. Buffy rolled her eyes in irritation.
"Didn't you hear him the first time, Wolverina? Now get lost. We're trying to...play hide and seek," Buffy finished lamely. Angel gave her a 'what the hell are you talking about' look, to which Buffy simply shrugged.
"Uh...um...I-I'm...uh...sorry...I-I'll go..." Nina stuttered before quickly leaving. Buffy and Angel both let out sighs of relief. Buffy raised her eyebrows at him.
"And why are you all happy that Miss I'm-a-bottle-blonde-that-wears-slutty-clothes-to-turn-on-a-vampire-that-is-supposed-to-just-give-me-shelter-three-days-a-month-when-I'm-incredibly-hairyis gone?" she asked pointedly. Angel just stared at her. "What?"
"For one thing, that made-up name is way longer than Nina's actual one..." he replied. Buffy rolled her eyes. "And second...I don't like the idea of anyone seeing me like this... 'cept for Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Max, Faith, and Alec."
"I noticed you didn't put Spike in that little list."
"Is that really so surprising?"
"Not really..." Buffy seemed to consider this before changing the subject. "So what should we do now that we're made out of felt and can't go out beyond this office?" Angel sighed heavily before crawling out from under his desk.
"I'd say get drunk so I can wake up and hope this is all some freaky dream but sadly...vampires can't get drunk-at least not very easily-and I'm kinda iffy on the subject of whether or not a puppet can actually drink anything..." Buffy smiled but the coy look she was going for fell flat due to her very thick facematerial.
"Wanna find out?" Angel turned to look at her, slightly surprised.
"Seriously? I thought you'd want to at least go find a new hiding spot away from me. I might inflict some of my 'evil' on you."
"Shut up. Thanks to my current problems, I'm putting that one in the back of my mind. Now do you want to find out or not?" Buffy asked, folding her arms across her chest and tapping her foot impatiently. Angel smirked.
"Alright, but how are we supposed to get anything if we're too embarrassed to walk out of here?"
"Easy," Buffy replied as she walked back over to Angel's desk and began to try and climb on top. She made a grunting noise after each attempt failed. She turned to an amused Angel and gave him a look. "Wanna help me or just gawk like some freak who goes to an all boys high school?" Angel huffed at the insult but helped her onto the desk. "Now, as I was saying...you're CEO of this place so you've got to have room service or something, right?" She picked up the phone and handed it to him. "So ask for some service." Angel just stared at her. "What?"
"Mind pushing some numbers?" Bright red circles appeared at the top of Buffy's felt cheeks. Angel wisely didn't comment.
"Don't get your panties in a wad...I just have to find something to hit the buttons with..."
"What? Did your fingers fall off?"
"Would you like to try, Captain Can-Do? Or would you prefer to give the remote control another try?" Buffy snapped back.
"Just hit speed dial 3," Angel grumbled. Buffy picked up a pen and complied.
"Hey, it's me..." Angel began. "Look, we're gonna be needing a lot so you should probably get a pen and a piece of paper or something...oh, you have built-in ink do you?" He ignored Buffy's disgusted look. "That's nice...okay, first we'd like..."
Few Hours Later...
"You actually think they're okay?" Alec asked as he and Max walked down a hallway. Max shrugged.
"I don't know. It's not like I'm an expert on these things. Don't exactly have a lot of experience with the mystical side of things, mostly just the scientific or physical," Max replied. Alec smirked at her choice of words. "What?"
"Can I have two guesses on what you meant by 'physical'?" Max scoffed and swung at his head. He quickly ducked and danced out of her reach. "Ha. No smacking of Alec's head this time, girly." Max rolled her eyes and just continued walking. "Hey, you didn't even put in any effort." Max glanced back at him to find a pout on his face.
"Would you like me to?" she asked, sugar sweet, as she raised her fist. Alec held his hands up in surrender but didn't comment. "Aww..." Max smiled genuinely and wrapped her arms around Alec's middle. "Like I'd ever intentionally hurt you..."
"You mean besides those millions of times you already have?" Max gripped his chin in her hand and made another 'aw' sound.
"All in fun, sweetie," she replied. "Don't tell me you actually got a little bruisy from a soft little hit like this..." she swung out and caught the back of his head in a sharp slap.
"Ow..." Alec stated, his voice and expression clearly showing he wasn't sure if he should be angry or just laugh. "That was a new low, Maxie."
"Only sinking to your level temporarily. Should be rising in a moment or so..." she retorted, before practically skipping ahead. Alec rolled his eyes but continued to walk beside her. They reached the Science lab and saw Wesley and Fred examining the Smile Time show. Both the transgenics caught a glimpse of one of the puppets changing positions from singing with the others to having his hands pressed against the screen. They exchanged confused looks before walking in.
"Hey, how's the puppet research going?" Alec asked, not taking his eyes off the screen. Both Wesley and Fred jumped slightly at the interruption.
"Um...quite well, actually," Wesley answered. "It seems that when the song is playing, it acts as a sort of cloaking spell that allows Framkin to address his target without being seen by the rest of his viewers."
"And Framkin is...?" Max questioned.
"The guy that runs Smile Time," Fred explained. She turned back to Wesley. "So that's how he's hiding it?"
"No, that's how he was hiding it," Wesley stated. Fred gave him a look that both transgenics easily recognized. Seems dog-girl wasn't the only one with a crush...
As Wesley, Fred, Max, and Alec got closer to Angel's office, they could distinctly hear some old song playing. Max and Alec's faces quickly became horrified as they were able to make out the lyrics as well.
They stood, staring, transfixed at the sight of the Buffy puppet belting out the tunes on a makeshift stage, previously Angel's desk, using a rolled up newspaper as a microphone as the stereo behind her blasted 'I will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor. She tossed the pretend microphone to the Angel puppet as the song changed to 'I Just Want to Be the One in Your Life' by Barry Manilow.
"Is it safe to say they're completely hammered?" Alec questioned rhetorically. Angel and Buffy finally noticed they were there.
"I'm not sure 'safe' is the operative word..." Wesley replied. Buffy hopped off the desk as Angel turned off the stereo. Both puppets walked over to them with a slight sway to their walk and a small slur to their speech.
"Hey! It's my buddies!" Buffy proclaimed loudly before looking over her shoulder at Angel, and nearly toppling over. "My buddies are the people I hang out with now. They're cool. They all have superpowers!" She stated this in a stage-whisper.
"Yeah...they're wasted," Max agreed.
"No such thing," Angel slurred. "I'm a vampire with a soul. It wouldn't do anybody any good if I were in a waste...can."
"She meant you're drunk, Angel," Fred explained as if she were speaking to a small child, which it looked like she was. Both Angel and Buffy made 'phff' noises and turned their heads to the side, taking long sips of what obviously were alcoholic drinks.
"Vampires don't get drunk, silly-billy," Buffy giggled.
"And what about you?" Alec asked. More giggles. Buff put her finger to her lips.
"She...no tricks now...keep the lies to yourself. Just dance!" She tried to strike a dance pose, but just ended up looking like a slash between a flamingo and a fish.
"Okay...what do you say we sober these two up before actually telling them about the whole Framkin deal?" Max suggested, pushing Angel away who had been trying to get her to join his and Buffy's dirty dancing. The others quickly nodded.
"Agreed," they chorused. Buff suddenly giggled.
"What?" Fred asked.
"Max said Framkin," she stated. They stared at her incredulously. "Framkin rhymes with Hamkin. Ha ha. Max said 'ham kin.'" She gave Max a playful slap to the leg. "Like there's actually a kin of ham."
"Let's make that sobering extra quick..."
A/N-Wow. I had a lot of fun writing that...I hope you all liked it. Be sure to show your appreciation with reviews! wink wink
Sky Angel-Thanks ;o) I'm glad you liked it.
Doza-Thanks ;o) No offense taken. I had noticed it getting a little dull as well because I already knew what I wanted to have happen...I just had trouble getting it written out. I'm glad you liked it.
Cora-Thanks ;o) I loved that episode too. Illyria will be coming once I get to that part of the Angel time line.
A/N2-I was going to have the lyrics to the songs but then I found out I'm not supposed to post them unless I actually wrote them...(thanks for telling me LadyV77 ;o)
