Chapter 5 – Time to wake up

I have never known such joy.

Such complete simplicity of feeling. Just joy. That's all. As I sat with her in my arms on our double bed, Kim took pictures with her new digital camera.

She grips my finger and stares at me, her nose wrinkling a little with confusion. "What is this world?" She seems to be saying. I make goofball faces at her and she laughs, the sound as innocent as a birdsong. She is so unblemished. So new. She is Jen. She is me, and she is Kim.

We are family.

But our world collapsed early one Monday morning. During her pregnancy, Kim had done an interview with some whore from some pornography that claimed to be a magazine. They painted a picture of a junkie couple, putting the life of their unborn child at risk. Nevermind that Kim had been clean her whole life, it seemed social services believed everything they read… like some huge mutual masturbation, the media all sniffed out the story and lit the match. This shit was being reported as truth. Jen was taken away from us. My beautiful Jen. My perfect Jen.

I guess I took it badly.

As a looked up at Kim, tears in my eyes, looking at me in the reflection of her crying eyes. We were on our knees, and I was pointing a gun at her.

"You promised! We had a deal! If anything happened to take our baby away from us…"

"-No…No! I want us to live! I want us to fight!" She persuaded me, that instead of killing ourselves, that I try to stay clean.

I was trying to stay clean. Jesus knows I was trying. But for some hero junkie, there's always someone willing to get you more. There's always someone scratching your back, in the hope that one day you'll scratch theirs. By this stage I was doing enough to kill a man. I was disappearing into the white more regularly now. Pushing myself further out to that void where nothing hurt. Where the white noise was unmistakable.

It was a song I couldn't help but sing along to. It was a song that had always been in my heart.

I knew the words.

Sometimes, the love and attention of a beautiful wife is too big, it can even drown out the white noise. Combined with the white noise, it's still a noise. But it's a beautiful noise. The white noise brought out the stars that night.

The white noise brought you back to me.

For what seemed like forever we fought for her. Nearly emptied the bank with legal bills and doctor's appointments. But I got myself off the dope… at least for a while. A couple of cups of pure-as-the-driven-snow piss later, we had her back.

Kim and I were like kids again. Three kids all back together. As I held little Jen's legs while she was lying on the bed, she giggled as Kim tickled her belly. I held her close to my face and let her little brown eyes like into mine, and her little hands touch my chin. Kim and I were happy. We were punch drunk, but we were happy.

I'm so sick of being disappointed.

With our success with Jen, we bought a new house. Our dream house. Kim fell in love with the place, she couldn't wait to start furnishing it…turning it into a home… Just as soon as she got back from her business trip.

I'm not good when left to my own devices. My own devices aren't in the best of shape.

My own devices don't work.

My inner angel would scream:

"GOD DAMN, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY…LOVE ME, ME, ME, WE COULD GO ON A TRIAL BASIS, PLEASE…I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE OUT-OF-THE-IN CROWD, A GANG, A REASON TO SMILE… I WON'T SMOTHER YOU, AH SHIT, SHIT, PLEASE… I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED:"

"I'LL WEAR ANY KIND OF CLOTHES YOU WANT. I'M SO TIRED OF CRYING AND DREAMING… I'M SO ALONE. IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?"

My mum has been in touch with me sporadically, since my new found fame. She followed my career with interest. Kim and her sure get along.

Now my father was coming around. We met again for the first time in a lifetime of sorts. My mum and dad back in my life? … I can't see it happening.

There's a lot of things I can't see. The dream is moving too quickly now, gathering speed.

Kim was lying in her bed one night, and then woke up to hug me. "Mmm, Ron?" She got up to find me not in bed. She looked down to see me on the floor, sleeve pulled up, needles all over the floor, and a band around my arm.

Something inevitable is drawing near. They said it was a cry for help. I don't agree.

I never made a sound.

As loud sirens from the ambulance echoed in the empty street, Kim looked down at me in the stretcher, crying over the mask that kept me alive. Every night, Kim would sit at the end of my hospital bed crying as I dreamt in my drug coma.

But the fact remains that Team Possible have hit a major bump in the road… and it's anyone's guess as to whether or not they survive this.

The white noise used to fuel me, give me strength. Now I was drowning in it, and I wanted out. I remember when Kim found me in the cupboard, injecting myself again. She was pissed beyond words.
"Not in the fucking hours! You want to destroy yourself, fine… but not in our daughter's fucking house you fucking selfish retard!"

Remember when I told you about the voices screaming in my head. Now those voices were mine. Mine and Kim's.

"You selfish fucking prick if you won't do it for yourself and you won't do it for me then do it for Jen you fucking self obsessed piece of shit slob junky prick I love you I hate you I love you blah blah blah" Kim screamed into my head. Into my sould, and I screamed back just as loud.

"I've tried believe me I've tried it's because of Jen that I do this I'm better off gone from this world can't you fucking see what I've become this emaciated little junky icon the yellow skinned dwarf they all call me shut the fuck up I need nothing she will be better off without me we will all be better off without me".

Pretty soon Jen would be old enough to understand that. Darling Jen…My darling little girl. I'll be at your altar.

"Jesus dude… you keep doing that much and you're gonna kill yourself" the girl who was supplying me with my gold would shout at me. But I disagree. No. That's not how I die.

One day I came home and walked into what they called an intervention. Your loved ones sit you down and bludgeon you with what a shit you've been, and all the reasons why you need to change.

"Ron, be a man". "Do it for your daughter, I'm going to divorce you if you don't get help". "Come on Ron. It's time to be smart about this". "Ron, it's time to grow up".

Well, it got me into rehab one last time. Drawing pictures with all the other junkies. Empathy aching inside me again.

The dream is nearing an end.

I called our baby-sitter and ask to see Jen, I told her that it would help me through this. She rushed right on over.

"It's great to see you doing this, Ron. We're all so happy you're finally getting the help you need, you know? We'd better be going… We'll see you tomorrow"

"Ok. Thanks for bringing my baby."

I held her up to my face one last time. Her eyes looking deep into my eyes. In my head, I hoped she would pick up on what I was trying to say.

Goodbye.

…I love you…

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm so fucking sorry.

I got all my stuff together and left the room. I rushed outside and jumped the wall to freedom. I was gone. I was free.

Kim was scared shitless.

"I need you to tell me where my fucking husband is. BITCH…" Kim screamed down the phone. "Fucking bitch"

She kicked the door to my room open, but I was nowhere to be found. "Are you still there? Where are you?"

…Nobody's home…

There is a sense of calm. Once you've figured out the happy ending. A sense of relief, a sense of purpose. I walked down the long garden with the heavy weapon in hand. I will not fuck this up. I entered the house and walked up the stairs.

Let's dream this together. There is no way of convincing those that live on, not from here… but this can be a happy ending. I'm sure of that. The dream won't die. The dream will live on. This has to be a happy ending. Fuck, I'm gonna make this a happy ending.

Even if it kills me.

I need towels. This is going to make a mess. This will be the last mess anyone is going to have to clean up for me. As I climb the stairs to the top floor of the garage, the white noise is louder, and whiter, than it ever has been. Prickling behind my ears.

Can you hear that? My heart, beating a little faster? Well take my word for it… it is.

China white heroine. Too much of it. One last hit. The biggest hit I'll ever have.

Bigger than Team Possible. Bigger than Drakken. Bigger than the true love of a woman seemingly made for me. Bigger than a daughter whose face reminds me of someone I lost a long time ago, I cannot bare to look at it anymore. Bigger than the realisation of every dream I could conjure.

I load the shotgun, and point it to my head.

There will be other dreams. But this dream…

Is done.

Ron wakes up now.

Ron wakes up now.