Chapter Twenty-Six
It felt good being back in the presence of those I considered family. Even though Jobal wasn't my true mother, she treated me as her daughter and I loved her just as much in return. It had taken some time for her husband and me to come to an agreement, however. He had been hesitant in allowing me to interrupt their lives and had been afraid I would remind Jobal of her painful past. Instead, I brought Jobal joy in a way he couldn't understand, and in return, she brought me comfort.
Visiting with them during the day including meals, going shopping in Theed with Jobal and her friends, or visiting the salon to have our nails or makeup done, was proving to be a distraction. It kept my mind off of other, more troubling things.
Nighttime, though, was a different story and I often lay awake for hours thinking about Obi-Wan.
I should've never visited him in the retention caves in the first place. If I hadn't, he wouldn't have had to endure so much pain and heartache. He would be single and happy, free to go and come as he pleased. All I had done was cause him grief. I could never be what he needed nor what he wanted.
I had watched him interact with the podlings in the Temple. He obviously loved teaching them, and now I couldn't even offer him one of his own. I was an unworthy half-Mer, half-human, incapable of benefitting either species.
He would be better off with someone else. Say, perhaps another Jedi. Someone who could accompany him on his missions and watch his back. Someone who could give him what he deserved: a family.
When I first arrived in Theed, I poured my heart out to Jobal and she'd held me, wiped my face, and listened. She offered no advice. All she did was tell me how sorry she was and tried her best to comfort me. It was exactly what I needed. After a fine meal, a long soak in the tub, and a night's rest in my old bed, I felt much better.
Over the first few days, I considered my options. I could contact the Jedi Healer who spoke of an anecdote and I could easily disappear into the sea. Obi-Wan wouldn't be able to find me and eventually, he would forget. He would then be free to find somebody else who was a better fit for him. Someone he had more things in common with.
I told myself during these dark, long nights that I was right. That my intentions were selfless and for his own good, but they made me sick to my stomach, and sometimes I would lose the dinner Jobal had so carefully prepared down the disposal unit.
All I needed was more time. Time to think and time to forget. I needed to focus on the future and not the past. To look forward to a life on my own, and if that meant returning to the water, then so be it. I was certain the Mer would welcome me back with open arms. I'd most likely even be invited to sit on the grand council. And even though there was no Mer who had ever caught my eye, surely there was someone in the Abyss who would suit me.
These types of thoughts ran through my mind over and over for hours at a time, and still, right before I fell asleep, Obi-Wan would somehow make an appearance. Or I would awaken the following morning weary from lack of rest, having struggled with seeing him and hearing his voice in my dreams.
How long would it be until he left me alone?
On this particular warm evening, I gave up trying to sleep, my mind too busy with doubts and questions, and I got up, got dressed, and went for a walk.
Just when I felt I was beginning to cope, I would see something that would bring the past rushing back. The booth, now standing empty, where Obi-Wan and I had shared that delicious fruity drink. The corner behind the plaza where we secretly danced together as the celebration band played. The bridge over the falls where he first reached for my hand.
In fact, everywhere I looked, I saw something that reminded me of our time together and I quickly decided that perhaps Theed wasn't the best place for me to try and forget. In fact, I wasn't sure if I would ever forget Obi-Wan and all the things we did together. It would probably be a good idea if I stayed away from Theed Plaza altogether. There were too many memories here and although they were all good, they were now only adding to my grief.
I had lost everything; my life in the ocean, my podling, my love. It appeared as if I was destined not for the greatness that some may experience, but for a lonely and rather melancholy existence.
The fact that I was feeling nothing but pity for myself didn't escape my notice, but there was very little I could do to stop it. As I gazed over the bridge into the running water shimmering in the moonlight, I could imagine how wonderful it would feel to slip beneath the waves and no longer carry around this constant pain and despair. I could be free.
It was the first good idea I'd had in a while and I managed to get one leg over the side before someone grabbed me from behind and swung me around.
"Padmé! What do you think you're doing?"
At first, I thought I was dreaming. Perhaps I was already drowning and near death. But he seemed so real and his hands on my face were warm and rough.
But what was he doing here?
"Obi-Wan?"
His eyes darted to and fro across my face as if he couldn't think of what to say and then he drew me close and held me; just held me without saying a word. And if I wasn't mistaken, I believe he was crying.
It was too much for my senses and I practically went limp in his arms. My strength had left me and I had the vague realization that he was carrying me, but at that point, my awareness had narrowed down to a thin line I was having trouble maintaining any sort of balance. But then I realized I was safe. In fact, I was safer in Obi-Wan's arms than any other place I could imagine. So, I gave in and allowed the darkness to wash over me like a comforting wave on the sea.
