The Rookies With The Dummies


Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. Patterson then walks up from the ramp

Patterson: hey guys, whatcha talkin about?

Grif: Oh, we're just talking about Simmons instantly 'leaving' because I just said "Vegas Quadrant".

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're growling and in an escape pod headed for-

Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.

A man in normal red (Donut) is behind Patterson.

Patterson: Oh right, I was supposed to find Sarge.

Grif: What? (turns to Donut) Ah crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left Terrorizer in charge while he's gone, and gave me the lead to terminate you when you won't listen.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Patterson: What... The... Fuck? The fuck was that?

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard. Of all time!


Washington: (sneezes) Achooooo! Huh?


Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Patterson: sorry bud, there ain't no aliens here just'a bunch of blue guys.

Donut: D'aww man.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: (looks at Simmons and Patterson) Well, they're wearing red armor.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon.

Patterson: And Mine is crimson, yours is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey, kid.

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut: Oh okay then, I'll be off now.

Patterson: Bye! Don't die!

Donut starts running across the base.

Simmons: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

Patterson, Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch.

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say... at least a week.

Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.

Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant, and get me a codename.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Cunningham: Yeah... The better chance you get LSDs.

A soldier in blue sky colored armor (Scott) falls out of the ceiling

Scott: Ow... Hey guys what's up?

Cut to Patterson, Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Patterson: Let's just hope he won't die.

Simmons: You might probably jinxed him.

Patterson:... Nah, probably didn't.

Donut approaches Blue Base.

Donut: Finally, there it is. …Oh sweet! They sell tanks!


I know what your wondering; "Hey Whats with the updates and names?"

These are better updates and revised story as I thought that the old one wasn't good enough.

And the names are the last names of the Vanoss Crew + Cartoonz