A Death Eaters Planning Session
"Hear! Hear! This meeting of the Greater Death Eaters Association and Ladies Auxillary will come to order. I believe you all know why you have been summoned today. It has not escaped my notice that our plans for fear, panic and devastation have not been exactly going as planned, and we must act now to retain our control of the panic market share."
Lord Voldemort paused to survey the effect his words had on his assembled Death Eaters.
"Any questions?"
A hand shot up at the rear of the conference table.
"Crucio! Any other questions?"
Lord Voldemort paused a moment longer.
"As there are no further questions, we will move on to my presentation."
Extending his wand, Voldemort dimmed the room and transfigured Lucius Malfoy's Starbucks latte into a chalkboard and chalk.
Lucius Malfoy, in an unguarded moment, looked annoyed until he received a resounding kick in the shin from his wife, Narcissa.
Lord Voldemort continued: "Wormtail and I have been engaging in market research to determine the most effective strategies for raising the panic level among muggles. I've selected a focus group from Little Wibbleham to further assess our tactics. As you can see from the pie chart, a disappointing 65 of the respondents feel fully satisfied with their lives and see nothing unusual with sudden storms, vanishing budgies, talking auto seats, etc. Twenty-five percent of our focus group feel mildly tense, while only 10 are 'agitated'. "
"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" He pounded the table for emphasis. "I DEMAND 100 PANIC AND FEAR, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
He lowered his voice and looked around the table. "Now, do I hear any suggestions? None? Oh, I see your problem. Wait a mo'."
He lifted the crucio curse from the unconscious but still writhing McNair.
'There, now. Who would like to go first? Lucius?"
Startled, Lucius shifted in his folding chair and thought quickly. "Master, if I may, I suggest breaking into committees to further study the problem and come up with action plans."
Narcissa hunkered down in her seat, fully expecting her husband to be blasted into oblivion. To her surprise, Voldemort agreed with Lucius.
"Excellent proposal, Lucius. Let's form committees and choose chairpersons before we break and enjoy some of those delicious cheese balls Bella brought. I have one further request, however. All teams have a theme song and we should be no exception. Our meeting will not conclude until we come up with an appropriate song that shows our team spirit. Narcissa, I am pleased to see that you have joined us today. I am appointing you to that task."
Lucius waved "bye bye" to his wife under the table and out of Voldemort's red gaze. Narcissa replied with a different hand signal.
The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully.
Before the meeting was over, the following committees were formed:
INEXPLICABLE WEATHER: Goyle, "Hulk", Chairperson
UNFORTUNATE MUGGLE ACCIDENTS: Pettigrew, Peter "Wormtail", Chairperson
DISASTROUS MONETARY FAILURES: Malfoy, Lucius "Blondie", Chairperson
EXOTIC FATAL ILLNESSES: Nott, "Did", Chairperson
MUGGLE TECHNOLOGY INTEFERENCE: MacNair, "Where's Waldo", Chairperson
GENERALIZED FEAR, PANIC AND DESPERATION: Avery, "Imperioboy", Chairperson
Lord Voldemort rose and brushed cheese ball crumbs from his black robe. "Our meeting is now concluded. Chairs, be prepared to present next week. Narcissa, please lead us in song."
Narcissa cleared her throat and began. Soon all the Death Eaters were singing:
"I believe I can scare
I'll send fear in the air
Every night and day
I'll chase hope away
I believe I will try
To make every muggle cry…
I believe."
The Greater Death Eaters Association and their Ladies Auxillary were still singing as they left the Village Hall and made their way into the darkened streets.
