The Werewolf of Balamb Garden

CHAPTER I - THE TWIN GAMERS

Zell stood motionless in the hallway as dozens of students rushed past him. They were trying to make it to class on time, hoping to make a good impression for the first day back at school. Zell had no such concern.

He remained stoic, staring at the lockers. His hulking beefster physique occupying far too much space in the halls. His hand rose to take a glance at his overpriced smart watch. It was difficult to read as it had several cracks and splatters of BBQ sauce on the screen. He squinted intensely and moved it to just the right angle to see the time: September 1 2017, 8:05 am.

"Where is Seifer..." he muttered to himself, lowering his head and looking at the ground. His lifelong friend hadn't logged into Chocobo-Hunters - the obscure online game they play together - for over a month. He was unable to perform epic sneak attacks on players in the game without Seifer serving as bait to lure them into the Player versus Player realm. As he raised his head to look back at the lockers, a cartoonish looking figure materialized in front of him.

"You are clearly the best in the world." said the unrealistic character.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Zell was puzzled.

"The skill it took me to create Chocobo-Hunters is nothing compared to your quick wits and actions per minute as a Gorezerker," the clearly imaginary character replied.

"Well, I don't like to brag, but I'm a pretty boss Zerker. Oh, and you made Chocobo-Hunters? You must be Ralph Miyamoto!"

The fake Ralph Miyamoto nodded to confirm.

"When are you going to nerf the Garbage Knights? Their hexes are overpowered, in my humble opinion." Zell was thrilled to have access to such a gaming celebrity.

BANG! A locker closed hard near Zell. He looked to the side to see it was none other than Rinoa Heartilly. The anime babe idol who he had been trying to impress ever since he met her at Balamb Garden.

"Oopsie! Sorry, my hand slipped." Rinoa said in a cutesy manner. Everything about her seemed manufactured to try and elicit the most amount of cuteness, but this didn't seem to bother anyone as she was generally pleasant to be around. Rinoa continued. "Who were you talking to Zell?"

Zell grinned, as he thought this might finally be his chance to impress Rinoa. He and Chocobo-Hunters developer Ralph Miyamoto were close pals now, and this would surely be something Rinoa finds attractive. "Let me introduce you to my best friend, Ralph." Zell said as he turned his head back. Ralph was no longer there.

"It's just you and me in the hallway." An echo was produced as Rinoa uttered those words. "And I thought Seifer was your best friend?"

Zell was confused. Where did Ralph go? That thought left just as quickly as it entered, because all that mattered was Rinoa was talking to him now. Fuck Chocobo-Hunters. Fuck Seifer. Now was his time to shine!

"Oh, nevermind about all that. So Rinoa... When are you going to let me touch your honkers?" Zell did a grabbing motion with his hands as the words left his mouth.

"Ewww! You're such a brute, Zell!" Rinoa screamed as she stormed down the hallway to class.

"Was it something I said?" Zell stood there confused. "Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them," he said to himself with a chuckle.

Zell remained in the hallways, still unconcerned with the consequences of missing class. From the distance, two students could be seen making their way towards the lockers. "Hey, don't I know those guys?" Zell thought to himself out loud. He squinted his eyes as they approached closer, and he did in fact know them.

It was Biggs and Wedge, the Johnson brothers. Biggs was dressed in grey sweatpants and a hoodie, his entire body concealed with only a small opening for his face. Wedge was wearing the latest hipster fashion, tailored to garner the most amount of attention.

"Hey guys, have you seen Seifer? He's been missing for a month." Zell asked the brothers as they were close enough to hear.

"Seifer's missing? Praise fucking Moses! One less piece of shit to ruin this school," Biggs shouted back.

"Wow Biggs. That's a bit harsh. Seifer is a little rough around the edges, ok? But deep down... I mean really deep down, like if you dig to the center of the earth kind of deep... He's a halfway decent guy."

"Shut the fuck up, Zell. You're not much better. Both of you guys are creepy as fuck," said a sweating Biggs.

"Take a chill pill, Biggs," said a nonchalant Wedge. His brother was getting abnormally pumped up.

"Well, if you guys see anything, just give me a holler," said Zell.

The brothers continued walking down the hall, Wedge heading to class and Biggs to the bathroom. Zell wasn't sure where he was supposed to go, even though he had been at Balamb Garden for almost two decades. School was for peons in his mind. Real men spent time in the gym or gamed. Perhaps that's why he and Seifer could never muster a passing grade to finally escape the clutches of school.

Technically, they both could have dropped out of school years ago, but each had their own reason for sticking it out. Zell wanted to graduate to make his Aunt Bunko proud. She had looked after him since his biological parents sold him for drugs. He knew little of his biological father James and Japanese-born mother Kimiko. All he remembers is that Kimiko required help lifting objects often, and she was not good at rudimentary math problems.

Once again, Zell had mentally distracted himself from the original matter at hand: Finding Seifer. Coming up with a good idea to find his missing friend was proving quite difficult for him. He had no leads, couldn't remember the last known whereabouts, and most of all, no gumption to actually set forth on a search.

"I have to pawn off finding Seifer to someone else," Zell said out loud. "That way I can show I care but not actually spend effort doing anything." A small smirk grew on his rock hard chiseled face. He was speaking to no one, of course. This was a common occurrence as Zell had developed a habit of speaking his thoughts out loud.

A whirring sound was heard in the distance, and as Zell turned towards it he saw the school janitor polishing the floors using a cleaning machine. Bingo! The janitor works for the school, she has to care about a missing student.

"Hey! You!" Zell shouted as he pointed at the janitor. The janitor didn't notice as the machine was loud and she was busy looking at the floor. Zell was incensed by what he thought was an obvious act of belligerence, so he opened his locker, took out an empty can of Game Gas, and threw it the janitor's way. This caught her attention and the janitor shut the machine off. She grabbed the can off the floor and tossed it right back at Zell, nearly hitting him in the head.

"Get to class now or I'll have a word with Kefka about you skipping again!" She replied, turning back on the cleaning machine and resuming her work.

Principal Kefka Palazzo. The Principal of Balamb Garden. The author of Zell's pain and misery. Almost everyone at the school called him just Kefka. Zell called him a poophead and a knave, oftentimes straight to his face. Zell got along with the Principal as much as oil and water mix. That is to say they don't mix at all.

It was at that moment Zell had a revelation. No one wanted Seifer gone more than the Principal. It would tickle Kefka's pickle to never have to deal with Seifer and his antics at the school, so it wouldn't be a leap to think he might have something to do with his disappearance.

Zell didn't want to push his luck in the halls any further, so he decided to run like a maniac to the nearest door. He swiftly grabbed the door handle and did his best to make a quiet entrance.

"...and using this formula, you can determine the area of the circle. With that, it's now possible to calculate the -" said the teacher, stopping mid-sentence to address Zell's interruption.

"What do you think you're doing?" the teacher asked sternly.

"I'm here for class, Mr. Teacher." Despite his many years at the school, Zell failed to recognize most of the faculty, so addressed the teacher generically. "The janitor spilled soap all over my clothes so I had to change." Zell thought himself clever, blaming the janitor for his late arrival. However, this excuse held no water. Even if it was true, Zell would still be held responsible because of his horrible record at the school.

"My name is Headmaster Cid. This isn't your class, Zell Dincht," said Headmaster Cid.

"You talkin' to me?" Zell said in a bizarre accent.

"Yes," The teacher quickly replied back.

Zell was speechless. He only said that line because he saw it in a movie he saw while channel surfing many years ago. He thought the line was cool, but in the movie the character was expecting a "No" reply instead of a "Yes" reply. At this moment, Zell felt stumped and left the class and went into the class next door.

As he opened the door, everyone focused their attention on him as he awkwardly made his way to his desk.

"Late to class again, are we? What's the excuse this time?" said Quistis Trepe, one of the few teachers Zell could recognize at the school. She taught history, a subject Zell had no interest in.

"My car got a flat and I didn't have a jack. I had to change the tire with one hand while lifting with the other." Zell was hoping this response would impress the women in class.

"That was a rhetorical question. I don't care what your excuse is. You know what to do," said Quistis Trepe as she pointed to a desk facing the wall in the corner. Zell moved to the corner desk, and atop the desk was a pointed hat - a dunce cap - that he put on.

"Now, as I was saying..." said Quistis Trepe as she continued her teaching. Zell instantly zoned out as the teacher spoke. His thoughts drifted back to Seifer's mysterious disappearance and tried to develop a scheme to find him. Then, it hit him: A paper ball laced with spit hit Zell in the back of the head. He turned around in hopes of finding the culprit, but whoever it was had already resumed an inconspicuous position.

Once again, Zell's goldfish attention span kicked in, and he instantly forgot about who hit him because he saw Selphie at one of the nearby desks. Selphie was the cousin, daughter, and mystical sprite of Seifer. She was created during a bizarre and drawn out ceremony involving bodily fluids and an egg.

Selphie had to know something, he thought, but class was still in session. So he planned to confront her about the situation at lunch. That meant slogging through this dreadful lesson. Once again, Zell hatched a half-baked idea. He put his hand up to get the attention of the teacher. No luck. After a minute, he started waving it to try to get Quistis Trepe's attention.

The teacher had clearly seen Zell's hand but didn't want to call on him. She knew he had nothing of value to offer class as he failed graduation countless times. Not willing to give in, Zell upped the ante and started making groaning sounds.

"Ungh! Argh!" Zell belted out.

"For what reason are you interrupting my class again?" said Quistis Trepe, scolding him.

"I uh... I have to go to the bathroom," Zell muttered.

"It couldn't be urgent because you got here 5 minutes ago. You had plenty of time to go before." Mrs. Banger grinned at her clever retort.

Zell went into a mental panic. He didn't expect his request to be rejected so swiftly. So he blurted out the first thing he could think of to get out of class: "I sharted my jorts."

All the students started laughing in unison, but Quistis Trepe's grin turned into a scowl. "Get out," she said as she pointed towards the door.

Zell faked an awkward walk out the door, still trying to sell the lie he shit his pants. Once in the hallway he checked to see if the coast was clear of the janitor, and while she was not present, in the distance he saw a mysterious hooded figure turn into another hallway out of view. Zell made a sprint to the bathroom to avoid any further confrontations.

Once inside, Zell took a quick glance around the room. Not a soul could be seen nor a peep could be heard. Finally some privacy and space to think. He turned his attention to one of the stall doors and his demeanor turned to rage. He felt humiliated by the pants-shitting incident. While it was entirely self-inflicted, in his mind it was somehow the fault of the school. Zell clenched his fist tight and punched the metal stall door, adding another dent to it and causing it to crash open.

He entered the stall and shut the door. As he sat on the toilet he began to lament his circumstances. "This school isn't cool. It can suck a rotten egg!" Zell blurted out in anger. He felt everyone else was the problem, not him, and that he was singled out for failure. Zell started crying because he was mentally unstable.

It was difficult to predict how Zell would feel or react to anything because of the PTSD he suffered from his days of service in SOLDIER. This coupled with his abysmally poor gamer diet, substance abuse, and the 3 foot long parasite living in his head, which was something he had contracted from the streets of Midgar several years ago.

As Zell was bawling incoherently, he heard soft groaning sounds nearby. As the groans got louder, Zell regained composure and began to look around the stall. At the floor he could see shoelaces coming from the stall next to him. He got up, left his stall, and opened the stall next to him.

Inside, a zombie like Biggs was passed out on the toilet with a needle sticking out of his arm. Zell was not shocked as he had seen far worse scenes in his life, but got an idea. "I know why I've been on edge the last few days, I haven't juiced up." Zell said out loud. He took the needle out of Biggs's arm, grabbed a vial of fluid from his pocket, filled up the needle using the fluid, and then injected himself in the arm. As the steroids entered his body, Zell felt an overwhelming sense of power flow through him.

He then threw the needle against the wall, shattering it into several pieces. Zell went to the bathroom mirror and began to admire his inhuman body. After several poses, grunts, and flexes, he finally concluded his performance with a chill-inducing phrase he whispered to himself... "Beefster overwhelming..."

Some rustling sounds were coming from behind Zell, but he was still fixated on looking at his own reflection. A sweating, pale-faced Biggs struggled out of his stall. He lunged towards the bathroom sink and began to projectile vomit. A good chunk of the vomit hit the backside of Zell, as Biggs never made it to the sink in time. Instead, the floor of the bathroom was hit with the brunt of his hoark, and Biggs slipped, hitting his head on the edge of the bathroom counter.

"Fuck!" screamed Biggs as his head cracked on the wood. He quickly stumbled to his feet. "Hey, you look like you shit your pants." Biggs pointed to the vomit stain he caused on Zell's jorts. "Smell you later." Biggs slurred, struggling his way out of the bathroom, but dropping a bag of gysahl greens as he left.

Zell was enraged by getting soiled with puke, but his anger was cooled by the free drugs now laying in front of him. "Finders keepers..." Zell thought, picking up the gysahl greens bag and stuffing it in his jorts.

During his many years at the school Zell had become well acquainted with various illicit substances. Heroin, phoenix down, glue, iDosing... He had done them all but after several bad experiences some years ago had decided to simply stick with steroids and gysahl greens. They provided the euphoria he yearned for from time to time and since there were no immediate ill effects from them Zell mistakenly thought he could use them as much as he liked and as frequently as he liked.

DING! DING! The piercing sound of the lunch bell resonated throughout the tiled room. On cue, Zell instantly forgot about this incident and realized that now he can confront Selphie in the cafeteria. Being juiced up on steroids, he felt even more determined to get answers... at any cost.

CHAPTER II - DOG EATER

The cafeteria was buzzing with activity. Students were chatting up a storm, stuffing their faces with questionably-edible food, and horsing around even though there was a sign on the wall that clearly read "No horseplay."

Zell slowly walked by the lunch tables, keeping his eyes peeled for Selphie. With the amount of people present, finding her would be no easy task, especially given Zell's propensity for distractions. Speaking of distractions, Zell's stomach began to grumble. Due to his huge frame, it was essential to eat an inordinate amount of food. His attention quickly switched to obtaining some grub.

That presented a problem: he didn't pack lunch or have money to buy any. He caught whiff of a familiar smell as he pondered his lack of options. It was the scent of the famous half-priced dogs. They reminded him of Seifer, which brought about a conundrum: do the dogs smell like Seifer, or does Seifer smell like the dogs? It was likely because Seifer exclusively ate them during lunch that he made this association.

Still, they were a mystery to Zell. He had never seen the dogs at full price in all his years at school, yet they were always marketed as half-priced. This made him grow suspicious of the food item in question, but it was an undeniably cheap source of protein he needed to maintain his grotesque muscles.

As he stared at the hot dogs from a distance, he saw the Brazillian foreign exchange student Pedro Kojima buy several of the cheaply-priced dogs. While Zell was monetarily ill-equipped to purchase a single half-priced dog, he could surely plunder a bounty of them from Pedro. It was the way of the world, after all. Might makes right.

Zell tightened up his muscles as he walked towards Pedro, in hopes of intimidating him. "Hand over the dogs and no one gets hurt." Zell uttered in an artificially deep voice, once again trying to intimidate the small-statured student. Pedro gave a blank look to Zell. "You think this is some kind of joke, boy?!" Zell spat out.

Pedro was unable to understand because he lacked understanding of English. "I am Pedro. Your name?" said Pedro.

"Zell, bitch," said Zell with his arms crossed, staring directly into the eyes of his target.

"Hi Zell Bitch. Nice to meet," said Pedro, with a smile on his face, offering his hand for a handshake.

"What did you just call me?!" said Zell, a snarl developing on his face.

"I like hot dog too. Let's be friend," said Pedro, not recognizing the obvious anger on Zell's face because of his social awkwardness.

Zell grew tired of what he saw as a yap fest between him and Pedro. He kicked things into second gear by ripping off his shirt, making a guttural scream, and finally swinging with his sledgehammer-sized fist towards his adversary. Pedro reacted like a cat, kneeling to the ground and executing a perfect karate chop to Zell's nards.

"AHHHH! My nards!" Zell screamed in agony as he dropped like a sack of potatoes. Pedro picked up his food tray and continued walking towards a communal table as Zell rolled on the floor uncontrollably.

Nothing was going right for Zell today. His best friend vanished. Rinoa turned him down yet again. He got chopped in the gonads. And now he was without food. As Zell regained his composure, he eyed Pedro in the distance casually eating his dogs. "Where did he learn martial arts?" Zell said with a slur, still reeling from pain.

Zell slowly picked himself off the ground and got to his feet. He felt a sense of embarrassment having been bested by someone half his size, but, then as he looked around the cafeteria, it seemed like virtually no one had taken notice. There was so much noise and chaos that Zell's botched lunch-stealing had failed to register.

Several feet away from Zell was a garbage can filled to the brim with trash. While it wasn't ideal, he knew there would be something inside that could provide him the nutrition he needed. He proceeded to knock over the can, spilling its contents on the floor and revealing the filth that had been hidden inside.

As he scanned over the mess, he could see out of the corner of his eye the janitor from earlier shaking her head in dismay. Zell didn't care and resumed looking at the heap of garbage, until he spotted a half-eaten, half-priced dog riddled with pencil shavings. "Flippity dippity doo doggie!" Zell exclaimed as he hastily grabbed the dog. He then shoved the disgusting lump into his mouth at lightning speed, and barely chewed it before gulping it all down in one go.

As the rancid flavors of the dog swelled up in Zell's mouth, he turned around to continue his search for Selphie. Zell could already feel the newly acquired calories flowing in his veins, giving him the energy he was looking for. In his maddened haste to find her, he accidentally knocked over a fellow student who hit their head on the wall followed by the loud crash of a lunch tray hitting the floor. "Watch your sea legs, mutant!" Zell bellowed, thinking himself to be without fault in this incident.

He searched far and wide, looking under tables, behind potted plants, and even taking a look at the ceiling tiles thinking perhaps she got up there somehow. Every now and then he would stop and read one of the posters on the wall that advertised various programs or classes at the school.

He had hoped one of the posters would offer information or a quest for him, as he believed real life was like Chocobo-Hunters and that you could get rewards for completing things written on notes on the wall. To his disappointment, no such quests were found.

After a few more minutes of pacing the lunch room like a lunatic, there was still no sign of Selphie. "This is bullshit!" Zell said to himself. He had looked over the room multiple times and there was no sign of her. "Ugh, you stink, Zell," a familiar voice said from behind Zell. It was Selphie with a bag of lunch in hand, as she walked past Zell and over to sit in the last free chair at a table nearby.

If Zell had any sense of memory he would have remembered that Selphie always arrived late because she would grab her own lunch at her locker, and would typically gossip with other students while there. Not only that, Selphie would always sit at the same table because it was near a window that she would occasionally glance out at while eating.

Selphie was found, but he now had yet another problem. There were no seats remaining at the table. Zell wanted to first play coy when confronting Selphie, slowly escalating if he didn't get the answers he was looking for. That required him to be sitting at the table in a casual manner.

It had to have been halfway through the lunch period after all the hijinks that followed previously, so time was running out to get answers. Zell walked towards the student sitting across Selphie and stood behind them. He gathered a massive amount of mucus from the depths of his throat and hocked what some might refer to as a "lugey" into the lunch of the student.

The sight of spit in the lunch repulsed the student, and as they looked back at Zell towering over them, they didn't hesitate to get out of their seat and flee the area. As they were in the distance, they threw a barb Zell's way: "You fucking creep!"

Zell didn't hear the insult, and instead was focused on his mission. He sat down in the now-vacant chair.

"Hey Selphie, what's the haps?" Zell said nonchalantly as Selphie ate a stick of Pokky.

"What do you want, Zell?" She replied, clearly annoyed by the interruption.

"Do you know any sailors?" Zell blurted out unintentionally. He had a brain malfunction from early-onset dementia, something he is unaware of, as sailors have nothing to do with Seifer's disappearance.

"What?" Selphie said as she looked dumbfounded by the question.

"Oh, haha, I'm just joking around. I'm looking for Seifer," Zell said, steering things back on track.

"I abhor Seifer. That fat sack of shit can die for all I care," said Selphie with disdain in her voice.

"Wow, Selphie. I took you for heartless but I never knew you were a bitch. Haha!" said Zell, as he raised his hand expecting a high five from someone nearby. No such high five was returned, as Selphie's comments reflected the feelings of virtually all students at the school.

"You're related to Seifer. You must have seen him," said Zell, trying to pry deeper, thinking that Selphie was hiding something.

"No. I never talk to Seifer. If it weren't for school, I'd never see him," said Selphie, getting more and more frustrated by Zell's questions.

Much like most students at Balamb Garden, Selphie didn't associate with Seifer. The fact she was related was irrelevant in this case. Somehow Zell had confused their biological closeness with social closeness. He pressed further regardless.

"Interesting. Then why is it that I have this image of you at Seifer's last birthday?" said Zell, as he turned his smartwatch towards Selphie, showing an image of Seifer's party with her face among many other students.

"Seifer edited us into that photo. No one went to his birthday Zell, not even you," said Selphie. Zell looked closer at the image, and even on the tiny screen of his watch you could tell the faces were poorly pasted on a stock birthday photo. Zell also scoured his memory, and eventually remembered skipping Seifer's last birthday to compete in a Chocobo-Hunters tournament.

"You think you have all the answers, huh? Then where is Seifer?! HUH!" said Zell, getting frustrated by his lack of progress.

"Go fly a kite, Zell! Change your pants too, because it looks like you shit yourself," said a snarky Selphie as she resumed eating.

His one and only lead had died on arrival. Zell had no real idea how to find a missing person. He was more or less aimlessly following whatever idea popped into his head and hoping for some kind of result. He continued following this failed method, and turned his attention to the other students at the table.

"You look a bit under the weather, Biggs-san," Rinoa said with a false but convincing sense of concern. She didn't like Biggs much, but figured getting closer to him would get her closer to Wedge, her true love interest.

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" Biggs screamed, hands over his ears and staring down at the table. Zell kept quiet, as he was eavesdropping on the conversation hoping to get some valuable intel.

"Cool your jets, Biggs. Father is going to have your head if you come back like this," said Wedge, showing an uncharacteristic level of concern given his typically subdued attitude.

"Ungh... I'm just gonna... I'm gonna... Sleep it off," said Biggs, as he rested his head on the table.

"You look so stressed, Wedge-san. I know some songs that are sure to cheer you up!" said Rinoa, hoping to communicate directly with Wedge. However, he did not respond. He didn't give two hoots about what she was saying.

"So, you guys see Seifer lately?" said Zell, his poor impulse control forcing him to butt into the conversation.

"No," let out Wedge, only because he had hoped this would end Zell's line of questioning as his presence was bothering the entire table.

"Oh, sorry Zell. I haven't seen Seifer either," said Rinoa, thinking along the same lines as Wedge.

"Drat. Well, let's form a search team and find him. With our powers combined, we're sure to find him lickety split," said Zell, hoping to convince the group.

"You're the only one looking for him," said Wedge bluntly.

"Aieee! I'm too busy to help," said Rinoa. Despite having a negative interest in finding Seifer, she did not like confrontation and lied only to maintain her pleasant image that was being projected mostly towards Wedge.

"Fuck all of you ingrates!" Zell screamed, continuing, "You think Seifer wouldn't look for your sorry asses if you went missing? You guys need to get a freaking clue!"

His plea for help was ignored on two fronts. Firstly, because Seifer was intolerable. Secondly, because Seifer really only looked out for himself and would only help if it benefited him somehow.

This was going nowhere Zell thought to himself. As he turned back towards Selphie, he could see her looking out the window, which led him to look out the window as well. Staring right back at him was the hooded figure he had encountered earlier. As the two locked eyes, the hooded figure pointed directly at Zell, then walked out of view once more.

"Whoa... Who was that?" Zell said with amazement, speaking to no one in particular.

"That new kid is a weirdo," said Selphie, not responding to Zell, but instead talking to the rest of the table as she also spotted him while gandering outside.

"He gives me the creeps," said Rinoa, continuing, "I saw him watching me on my way to lunch."

"Hmph," said Wedge, adding nothing to the conversation other than his brooding presence.

So Zell was not the only one having run-ins with this hooded figure. Given the lack of options, he now focused his self-investigation on the new student who was stalking the area. While there was no logic to back it up, Zell had surmised that perhaps this "new kid" had something to do with Seifer's absence.

RINGGGGG! The school bell sounded again. Lunch was over and it was time to leave. The other students slowly shuffled out of the cafeteria, disposing of their food trays as they exited the room. As the room became quieter and more empty, school staff entered the area and began to clean up the mess left behind.

Zell, one of the few students remaining in his seat at this point, continued contemplating his approach with this new person of interest.

"Lunch is over. Head to the Gymnasium," one of the staff cleaners said, in a defeated, hopeless voice. She clearly despised her job.

"The gym, huh?" said Zell with a grin on his face. Zell would in fact go to gym, as he had no other plans.

CHAPTER III - THE PHANTOM BEARD

The gym was Zell's respite from the oppression of school. It was an opportunity for him to blow off some steam and show his skills to potential mates. Unfortunately, reality was a lot harsher. Zell would often embarrass himself in any manner of ways, further damaging his reputation at school. This never dissuaded him, however, since Zell believed his displays in the gym to be epic.

Upon entering, Zell's attention was immediately drawn to the far end of the gymnasium. There he saw the cloaked figure from earlier, sitting on the steps with an elbow on one knee and head facing downwards at what looked like a phone. Zell's investigative target was now in sight.

The center of the gym was roughly divided in areas to let students play all kinds of sports, so Zell shuffled by the walls on his long walk towards the figure. When he reached the halfway point of the room, he received an alert on his barely-functioning smart watch.

Zell continued his walking but lowered his head to read the screen. He finally made out it was a BullyHunter notification from Chocobo-Hunters. One of his alternate accounts was being beat mercilessly by a user called BigBalls69. Zell was perturbed, but ignored his instincts to find a device to log in and save his character. He felt he was finally getting close to solving the Seifer mystery.

Just as Zell raised his head to look forward, he bumped into a massive, morbidly obese man. It was Coach Palmer, one of the PE Teachers at the school. Coach wasn't fit to stand let alone teach physical education, but he had been with the school so long he was now an untouchable.

"Zell, you're late to blitzball practice... But you're not too late to have fun! Ha ha ha!" joked the Coach, continuing, "Where's your shirt?" observing Zell's shirtlessness.

"I forgot it in the showers. Anyway, it was nice talking to you Coach, I'll be on my way," replied Zell, brushing off Coach.

"Not so fast! Blue team is one short since you didn't make it on time. Here, take this," said Coach as he handed Zell a blue tank top.

"Sorry Coach. I got a severe case of tennis elbow and I can't play today," replied Zell, getting irritated by the constant hassling he was on the receiving end of.

"That's no biggie. As I always say, having fun is the most important part of sports! Now head out there and have a ball! Ha ha ha!" said Coach, as he pointed Zell towards the blitzball court.

The blue team consisted of fellow classmates Wedge, Biggs, Selphie and Rinoa. The red team also consisted of fellow classmates but Zell had no idea who they were as he didn't care about them. Zell reluctantly walked towards the blue side of the court, figuring that the game would be over soon and he could resume his self-investigation after.

Wedge was getting ready to serve, and he looked at Zell with disappointment as he entered the court. "You better bring your A-Game Dincht. I'm tired of losing because of you," said Wedge. The makeshift scoreboard read 20 to 16, with the blue team ahead. Wedge was determined to hold the lead.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just serve already," said Zell, producing a yawn.

"Hey! It's not your serve!" shouted one of the red team members, pointing at Wedge.

"Yeah, it's Zell's turn since he just came here," said another one from the red team.

While the rules weren't strictly being followed, especially with the game previously having uneven teams and Zell arriving late, Coach Palmer nodded his head and motioned for Zell to serve since he had just entered the game.

Wedge was incensed. He threw the ball as hard as he could towards Zell, bonking him on the head and nearby Selphie catching the rebound. Zell threw a menacing glare Wedge's way and started to shake his fist at him. Coach's whistle sounded.

"Hey! No horsing around! Next student that slips up will be reprimanded. Now, back to the game!" said a frustrated Coach, ordering the students back to play.

Selphie handed the ball to Zell, rolling her eyes while doing so. As Zell grabbed the ball, chills went down his spine. He saw this as an opportunity to show off his athletic prowess. "Gametime..." he whispered to himself.

Zell gripped the ball tight in his left hand and made a slight crouch. He eyed the other side of the court, then tossed the ball in the air, leaped up, and lunged his right hand towards the ball. As his fist crashed into the ball, Zell let out a horrific, almost inhuman grunt. "HUNGGHHHH!"

The ball soared across the court at an impressive speed, but completely missed the inside boundaries of the court. It was a foul serve, and one more fault would lead to a point lost. Wedge shook his head. Zell performed this same failed serve three more times, causing the blue team to lose 2 points, and returning the serve to the red team. The score now sat at 20-18.

Red team served cautiously towards Wedge, wanting to ensure they didn't make the same mistake Zell had. Wedge returned a powerful shot towards one of the smaller players on the red team. They struggled just barely to hit the ball, popping it high back in the air towards Selphie, giving her plenty of time to get in position.

She called the shot with her hand, but Zell didn't want to be upstaged. Being much taller than Selphie, he jumped to hit the ball before Selphie could reach it, smashing the ball into the net. Now it was 20-19. Selphie could only stare at Zell in dismay. She was not about to act out and get reprimanded as she actually cared about doing well in school.

The red team regained the ball, and this time did a more aggressive serve aiming near Zell. The ball went right towards his feet, and without thinking, Zell instinctively kicked the ball. The point was automatically given to the red team as the rules only allowed hitting the ball with your hands. The score was now tied at 20 a piece. Whoever scored next would win the game.

Wedge called a time out and huddled the blue team. "Rinoa, Biggs, and Zell take the net. Me and Selphie will take the back." said Wedge, getting approval from everyone but Zell.

"You're not the boss of me," said Zell, annoyed that Wedge was trying to tell him what to do. Wedge's scheme was that Zell, Biggs, and Rinoa wouldn't have the reaction time or ability to hit most balls near the net, allowing him and Selphie to take the shots as they were carrying the entire team.

Wedge was determined to win, and decided to placate Zell's ego. "You're the tallest. You'll get first chance on every return," he said.

"Hmmm..." replied Zell, pondering the situation. "Alright, I'll do it. Just this once." Blue team got in the new formation and readied themselves.

The court was now set and it was Wedge's serve. Biggs was zoned out the entire game from the massive amount of drugs he was taking, but was now starting to scratch all over his body. Wedge gave a look of concern and could see that the team was crumbling before his eyes. He let off a quick serve, not able to take the necessary time for a better shot since he was afraid of further rule violations from his team.

As the ball soared, Biggs started freaking out. "The bugs... They're everywhere!" Biggs's hallucinations were getting worse. The red team gently popped up the ball towards the net on their return, cueing up the ball for another player to smash into the blue side.

"AHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!" Biggs screamed as the red team smashed the ball towards... Rinoa!

"Aieeeee!" shrieked Rinoa. Time slowed down for her, a meteor of a ball headed directly towards her face. In Biggs's drug-induced panic, he started to run off the court, and by pure happenstance intersected directly with the trajectory of the ball.

Just as the ball was about to smash Rinoa right in the kisser, Biggs ran by Rinoa and was hit on the side of the head, causing him to crash into Rinoa, sending them both towards the ground.

Rinoa was laid out on her back. Biggs was on top of her. Their eyes locked.

"Biggs-san... My hero!" let out Rinoa, totally smitten by what she thought was a selfless act by Biggs to save her from getting hit.

In Biggs's drugged up state, Rinoa looked like an angel. He made a goofy smile and got up, lending his hand towards Rinoa to lift her off the ground.

"Red team wins! Great match everyone. Now hit the showers!" shouted Coach.

Wedge sat cross legged on the floor, devastated by the loss but trying his best to show no emotion. Selphie was bent over, hands on knees. She wasn't happy with the result, but relieved the game was finally over.

Zell glared at Rinoa and Biggs as they embraced each other. It was impossible for him to ever take responsibility, so he focused the blame on them. "Those two lovebirds cost us the game!" he said to Wedge. No response was given.

Zell quickly forgot about the loss and looked back at the far end of the gym... The figure was gone! He turned around once more to look at the gym entrance, and standing 10 feet behind him was the figure, slowly walking towards the group. "Hey, guys..." said the cloaked figure.

Zell and the gang focused their attention as the robed character crept further towards them. They all wanted to know who it was, as the mysterious routine was already getting old.

The figure crouched down slowly... Then quickly rose, throwing off his cloak in a stylish manner. "Check out my beard!" said Seifer, who was now revealed to be the mystery student. He sported what loosely resembled a beard.

"FUCK YOU! Fuck off, Seifer!" screamed an unhinged Biggs, snapping back into his paranoid state and running out of the gym. Rinoa ran after him.

"Your beard looks like pubes glued to your face," remarked Wedge, as he started walking towards the exit. The beard was in fact pubes glued to his face.

"You're just jealous you can't grow a beard, HEH!" retorted Seifer, thinking himself clever.

"Whoa, sick beard brosef! Give me a high five!" said Zell, him and Seifer high fiving each other. "So where the hell were you all this time?" he continued.

"Heh, where do I start? My house got destroyed in last month's flood. On the way to my Grandma's house, my car seized on the train tracks and it got totaled. Such is life!" said Seifer.

Zell had concluded that must have been why Seifer couldn't contact him or play Chocobo-Hunters during this time. Upon hearing Seifer's explanation, Selphie butted in. "So it was you! Where is it!?" she said furiously.

"Where is what?" responded a confused Seifer.

"You know what I'm talking about! Our grandmother's silver pendant! It was a priceless heirloom passed down for generations!" said Selphie, anger further rising up inside of her.

"Calm down, toots. I have no idea where it is," said Seifer, maintaining his innocence.

"So it just so happens she loses it around the time you arrive at her house? Get fucked!" said Selphie, pressing Seifer further.

"I swear to Moses I never took the necklace!" pleaded Seifer. His demeanor seemed genuine.

Thinking himself as an impartial mediator, Zell cut in. "Calm down, Selphie. Your female emotions are getting the best of you. Seifer says he didn't take it. Gamer honor doesn't allow him to lie."

"Fuck both of you assholes!" yelled Selphie at the top of her lungs, running out of the gym, which was now almost empty of students.

Seifer looked intently at Selphie, making sure she was out of the gym, then swiftly turned back to Zell. "Heh! That stupid bitch totally bought it."

"Huh?" said a puzzled Zell.

"I pawned the necklace for 20 smackers to buy a Chocobo-Hunters premium account," said Seifer, followed by a hefty "HEH!"

"Oh, uh... Haha! Sick joke, man! You really got her. What a noob!" replied Zell clumsily, still not really understanding what was going on.

Ding! Zell was hit with another notification on his watch. His alternate account was finally killed in Chocobo-Hunters. "Fuck!" He screamed. "Some lamer killed my Holy Noah!" Seifer slyly pulled out his phone, and on the screen was his character BigBalls69, looting the corpse of Zell's Holy Noah.

"My condolences..." said Seifer, a half-smirk forming on his face. He slipped the phone back into his pocket.

"All of my alt's got killed in the last month! Some ingrate has been attacking them just as I log off!" raged Zell.

"Heh! Don't worry. We'll head to the Gluehuffer's Den and grind out some levels," said the still smirking Seifer.

Zell was too thick to realize that Seifer had actually been playing Chocobo-Hunters during the last month, only under a different account. Seifer spent a great deal of time griefing Zell's alt accounts, as he was jealous of the progress Zell was making with his characters.

"Come on, Zell, let's make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole. Heh!" Seifer quipped, laughing at his own joke. Even though Seifer was Zell's best friend, he found Seifer's joke intolerable and was on the verge of strangling him for what he considered the comedic equivalent of a war crime.

Suddenly the intercom kicked in. It was none other than Principal Kefka Palazzo! "Attention students of Balamb Garden. Seifer Almasy is requested at my office. I'm well aware he won't come on his own accord, so I'm offering a handsome reward to the student that brings him to me. Dead... or alive."

CHAPTER IV - PEACE TALKER

As soon as the principal's announcement had ended, Zell's pigeon brain went into overdrive. He came upon the realization this could be his ticket out of this abysmal school life he had trapped himself in.

Zell suddenly believed, for no fathomable reason, that Kefka Palazzo could be persuaded to sign Zell's graduation papers if he were to bring Seifer to the principal's office.

There was absolutely no precedent of any kind for this plan to work, and Kefka Palazzo was well known for detesting both Zell and Seifer from the bottom of his academic heart. Zell didn't waste

even a nanosecond to consider such trivialities and was instead fully convinced of his brilliance.

"Heh! I'll never go to that rube Kefka's office. He thinks he owns us like slaves and this school is his plantation. Guess again, fucker!" Seifer mused to himself. He thought of his plight at the school comparable to slavery even though there were almost no parallels.

Zell knew the sharpest weapon besides a Damascus steel Japanese Katana was the mind, and therefore he planned to trick Seifer into going to the principal's office. "Cool beans, old chum. Let us skip school and play Chocobo-Hunters." Zell delivered his words in the most wooden manner possible, incapable of subtlety.

They both began to walk out of the gym and into the halls, making their way towards the main entrance of the school. As they got near a junction point, where turning right headed to the main door, and turning left headed to the principal's office, Zell walked ahead of Seifer hoping he would follow.

Zell turned left and kept walking a few meters, before casually looking back to see Seifer had stopped at the junction and was looking at him with a blank stare.

"The exit is this way, Zell." Seifer reminded Zell.

"Oh, uh, yeah. It is that way. But there's a shortcut over here." Zell was hoping Seifer wouldn't think too much of his request and simply resume following.

"I saw your car out front on my way in. It's illegally parked outside the door like you always do," Seifer said matter of factly.

"Haha, we won't need a car where we're going... You'll see." Zell persisted, and it was a success. Seifer needed Zell to drive him anyway, so there was no point arguing with him. Seifer started following as they headed down the hall to Kefka's office.

Once they were near the office door, Zell bent over. "Hey, hold up. I gotta tie my shoes," Zell said, then pretending to tie his already tied shoes. He did this to buy himself time because he was unsure what to do next.

"Are you on the gysahl greens again, Zell?" Seifer asked, noticing Zell's shoes were already tied and his hands were moving wildly while accomplishing nothing.

"Uh..." said Zell, trying to buy even more time, drawing a blank on what to do. "Uhhhhhh..." Zell was getting desperate, so he did what came natural to him: violence.

Zell quickly pulled out a gunblade from his back pocket, rose to his feet and pointed the blade at Seifer. The halls were mostly empty of students passing by, but once the weapon was revealed, a student screamed, "He's got a gunblade!" which triggered a panic. All other students evacuated the halls to the door nearest to them, leaving Seifer and Zell alone.

"Wow, cool sword." Seifer was impressed Zell had a weapon on him and unaware of the danger he was in.

"Get in the office Seifer and no one gets hurt." Zell inched closer towards Seifer, aiming his gunblade hand towards Seifer's neck.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Zell? Have you gone soft in the head?" Seifer was now starting to grow concerned. He couldn't understand why Zell would make a deal with Kefka.

"You're my ticket out of this stinking fucking hole! Now get in!" Zell was becoming unhinged, as he knew he was capable of causing harm to Seifer, but resisted the urge.

"Kefka is never going to keep his word, Zell! He's playing you!" Seifer was pleading with Zell, hoping he would see sense.

Zell heard enough and decided to make his move. Instead of going for a kill shot, he turned his hand sideways and swung at Seifer with the butt of the gunblade. While Seifer was not in the least bit athletic, Zell made such a terrible swing that even Seifer had no problem stepping aside, leading Zell to tumble and fall to the ground.

As Zell laid on the ground, Seifer made a run for it down the halls and towards the main entrance. Zell stumbled his way to his feet, putting away the gunblade and began chasing after Seifer. The janitor from earlier appeared from the junction in front of Seifer. In his haste, Seifer pushed the janitor's garbage basket out of his way and onto the floor, creating an obstacle for Zell. The garbage tumbled, spilling glass shards, needles, puke, chewed half-priced dogs, and all other kinds of nasty. "Get back here!" The janitor screamed at Seifer while grabbing her broom.

Zell saw the obstacle of filth in front of him and decided to run full steam ahead, which was a terrible idea as he slipped and fell into the muck. As he floundered on the floor, the janitor hit him several times with the broom. Zell slithered through the garbage like a snake as he was assaulted, and finally made his way out, getting back on his feet and resuming his chase.

Luckily, Zell had a slight speed advantage over Seifer, which wasn't saying much as Seifer could barely hold a jog. Seifer pushed through the main doors and was out of view, Zell sprinted towards the doors and got out just in time to see that Seifer was running around the building.

Zell pursued Seifer around the corner, and just as he got close enough made a lunge towards Seifer's neck with his arm. "Not the beard!" Seifer screamed, as Zell grabbed a huge chunk of beard hair instead, ripping it clean off, but losing balance and tumbling to the ground once more. Seifer was able to get more distance from Zell and turn the corner again, nearing the back of the school.

Zell continued running after him, turning the corner to see the back door had just shut. Seifer must have entered the school again! Zell went through the door, and was again near the gymnasium and locker rooms. He looked around and could see no indication of where Seifer may have gone, until he started hearing a crowd of screams from the women's locker room, followed by a rush of barely-clothed women running out of the lockers in horror.

Zell ran into the crowd of half-naked students, suspecting Seifer must have been the one to cause their repulsion. One of the students was Rinoa, and Zell caught a glimpse of her bosom. "Hubba hubba!" Zell remarked, not being able to help himself.

"Aiiieeeee!" Rinoa screamed as she ran down the halls.

Selphie followed shortly after, completely naked, and Zell shouted a "Boooo!" her way. Zell had completely unrealistic standards about women's bodies and felt justified in shaming her. Selphie ran out the back exit, preferring to be naked outside than be near Seifer or Zell.

After there was no more nakedness to see, Zell resumed his hunt, and entered the women's locker room that was now completely empty. Only a single shower was running, with no sign of Seifer. Zell knew there was only one way in this room, and the time for games was finally over.

"I know you're in here Seifer..." Zell shouted, as he stalked the locker room, looking for any sign of Seifer. "You can't hide forever Seifer." Zell continued his scare tactics. Then, he heard a metal banging sound. Zell turned to look but couldn't determine which locker it came from. He neared a group of lockers he had suspected, and began opening them, one by one.

After opening up a row of lockers, Seifer was nowhere to be found. Zell neared the only shower that was on and shut it off. The room was now silent. Zell stood quiet, motionless. Then, he heard a dripping sound. He looked around the room, and saw yellow liquid leaking from one of the lockers, forming a puddle beneath it. Zell quietly approached the locker, so as not to make noise, and then quickly opened it.

Seifer fell out of the locker and into the puddle. He was exhausted from the chase and had nothing left in the tank. He had given up. Zell grabbed Seifer's pants and started dragging him back to the office. Seifer made no effort to wriggle free, accepting his fate, and instead made groaning sounds as he was slid across the floor.

As Zell neared the principal's office, Seifer's pants ripped off, exposing the bottom half of Seifer's naked body. Without skipping a beat, Zell tossed the ripped pants aside and grabbed Seifer's ankle, continuing to drag him.

Finally, Zell opened the door to the principal's office, where inside was bane of his existence: Kefka Palazzo. Zell threw Seifer in a chair and seated himself in front of Kefka. The principal was on the phone at his desk, and barely took notice of the two.

"I'm calling it the School Held Back Program, or SHBP for short." Kefka spoke into the phone. Faint speaking could be heard on the other end. "Excellent. The sharaska is on schedule as well?" More words were spoken, but nothing Zell could make out. "Splendid, I'll call you back later. Goodbye." Kefka finally hung up the phone and turned his attention to Zell and Seifer.

Before Kefka even spoke a word to them, he marveled at the sight in front of him. Zell was covered in filth from head to toe, along with being bloodied and bruised from his several tussles throughout the day. Seifer on the other hand was naked from the waist down, and sporting a quarter of a disgusting beard that was barely hanging on. Both of them smelled of piss.

"Stop looking at my dick, you fucking pedo!" Seifer shouted at Kefka, spending all his energy to throw a verbal jab. Kefka ignored Seifer's incendiary comment and instead focused his attention on Zell.

"So, is this where you want me to congratulate you on bringing Mr. Almasy to my office?" Kefka spoke calmly.

"Well, the congratulations are optional, but I'd like that reward you promised earlier," replied Zell, unsure of where this conversation was headed.

"Pray tell, what kind of reward are you hoping for?" Kefka kept on point, interested to learn Zell's motive.

"My one way ticket out of this joint: graduation papers. I'm a model student, and now that I've brought Seifer here, that's a fair trade for my freedom," Zell said as he developed a smile.

"You want to leave? Now, why would I do that? We're having so much fun here," Kefka shot back, wiping the smile off Zell's face.

Zell bolted upright, pushing his chair back. He then leaned on the desk to get face to face with Kefka. "That wasn't the deal, you pencil-pushing freak! I'll fucking kill you!" Zell shouted in Kefka's face, spraying him with a generous helping of spit.

Luckily, Kefka wore ski goggles, and was largely unaffected by this assault to his face. He remained calm and composed. "Did you think I wouldn't know what you did?" Kefka went on the offensive.

"What the FLIP are you talking about?!" Zell was taken aback.

"Model student? Where do I start? Late to class. Sexual harassment. Littering on school property. Possession of an illegal substance. Consumption of an illegal substance. Assaulting a student. Should I go on?" Kefka then stood up, and Zell sat back down in fear of the coming repercussions.

"You've committed so many violations I stopped keeping track. One call to the authorities and you'll be spending time in a cell." Kefka said sternly, as Zell gulped and began to sweat profusely. "But as a... Reward... I'll not make that call. Instead, you'll be suspended for one week. That will give you time to clean up your act, among other things. Got that?" Kefka said the question more like a command, and expected no response.

Zell sat there in silence. He knew Kefka was right. Zell was already on probation for previous offenses, and if Kefka were to call the police, he would serve hard time. "I told you so, you fucking clown!" Seifer yelled at Zell, as it was obvious to him Kefka was never going to give anything of value.

Zell left the office with his head down. What was he going to tell Aunt Bunko? She would be furious to learn he was suspended, and the odds of him graduating with such a shaky start were zero to none. Another year down the toilet! Kefka wins again! Zell continued his walk of shame, eventually exiting the school.

Back in the office, Kefka now focused on Seifer. "I have special plans for you, Mr. Almasy. You may not know it, but there's a plan for you, well beyond your comprehension, and I'm here to help you realize that," Kefka said ominously.

Seifer was confused. He couldn't understand what Kefka was talking about. He didn't know why Kefka even wanted him here in the first place. "Don't be afraid. Destiny awaits." Kefka then walked over to the door of his office, closing it, and locking it shut.

CHAPTER V - ZELL'S REVENGE

As Zell sat down on the bench outside, he assumed his trademark philosopher pose to ponder the futility of his previous actions. He hunted Seifer down all over the school and then sold him down the river but it had all been for naught.

The chance to graduate had slipped through his muscular fingers once again, and in typical fashion he blamed anything but himself for it. What would Aunt Bunko think about all of this? She would certainly not be happy about Zell getting suspended from school.

"Ugh! Fucking Kefka Palazzo! Who the FLIP do you think you are?!" Zell shouted out loud as he jumped up from the bench. The people near Zell glanced at him for a moment before continuing whatever it was they were doing. Zell's random outbursts were commonplace enough that no one really paid too much attention to them.

"Moses damn it! When I get my hands on that pencil-pusher he'll be sorry he ever accepted me into his garbage school!" Zell exclaimed with controlled anger in his voice. It was then that he noticed the Brazilian exchange student from before, Pedro Kojima. Zell's first instinct was to try and kill Pedro with a sneak attack to get revenge on him. Zell quickly dove into the nearest bush to make sure he was concealed, thus ensuring the success of his planned sneak attack.

"Heh, this is almost like in Chocobo-Hunters," Zell thought to himself as he slid out the gunblade from his back pocket with a vicious grin on his face. Suddenly Zell's smartwatch began beeping. His grin turned into a scowl as he lowered his head and tried to see why the smartwatch was beeping. It was another BullyHunter notification. That's all Zell was able to decipher before he realized that Pedro had noticed him fidgeting around in the bush.

Zell could no longer wait for the perfect opportunity as the element of surprise was gone. It was now or never. Zell dashed out of the bush like a crazed beast and tried to strike Pedro in the throat with his gunblade. Pedro's almost superhuman reflexes allowed him to easily perform a karate throw on Zell, launching him into the air with ease. Zell flew a good five meters before crashing into the pavement like a sack of potatoes. His gunblade flew like a rocket through the window of a school bus.

"Ugh... Where did he learn martial arts...?" Zell muttered slowly as he collected himself off the ground. This was the second time today he wondered where Pedro had learned his skills. Pedro walked up to Zell and laughed jovially. "You crazy, mister!" Pedro misunderstood Zell's attacks against him as some form of bizarre game to see which one of them was the better fighter.

Zell on the other hand was dazed out of his mind and didn't know what was going on. Landing face first into the pavement had caused him to have a small concussion even though his grotesquely sized nose had absorbed most of the impact.

"What the FUCK!? WHAT THE FUUUCK!?" An angry and confused shout was heard from behind Zell. It was the bus driver who had stepped out of his bus in utter shock, eyeballing his surroundings for what had just happened, and more importantly, for who was responsible. Zell grabbed Pedro by his shoulder and dragged him behind the nearest corner to escape from the driver's view. Zell threw a worried glance from behind the corner at the bus before leaning back and letting out a sigh of relief.

"You okay, mister?" Pedro asked.

"What?" Zell exclaimed, almost insulted by the question. Pedro raised his hand to point at the fresh bruises and cuts on Zell's body. "Pfft, you think I care about a few bumps and bruises, pipsqueak?" Zell said with a smirk, trying to impress Pedro, even though he didn't give two shits about him. It was more about trying to keep his beefster image in good standing.

"Well, it was fun doing martial arts with you. Gotta go home!" Pedro said happily and turned around to leave.

"Hey, hold your horses, bucko! I've got an idea!" Zell replied to him. The concussion he had just received had jumbled up his alarmingly few brain cells, causing him to concoct a cunning plan to get back at Kefka. Zell didn't want to waste a single second before putting it into motion.

"You're one of those Extinct Students, right? If I remember correctly then that means that you were given a school-issued toolbox as a gift, correct?" Zell asked while stroking his chin.

"Uh... Toolbox? Hammer and screwdriver? Is toolbox?" Pedro replied, not really understanding the question nor how to form a reply in English.

"Yeah, that's right. Come on, follow me. I've got something cool to show you." Zell energetically jogged back into the school building with Pedro in tow. Pedro being the naive, goodhearted character that he was didn't really understand what was going on but decided to follow along anyway.

Pedro hoped that perhaps Zell would turn out to be his very first friend in this strange new country that Pedro had arrived in only a few weeks ago. He also enjoyed the excitement Zell had provided to him thus far, not realizing the true nature of Zell's actions. As the pair walked down the school corridors they eventually reached the door to the Principal's office. Zell grabbed the handle and gently tried to open the door, but to no avail.

"Hmm, locked. Just as I suspected," Zell pondered out loud.

"Mister, Principal go home already. School over," Pedro said, trying to provide insight into the situation.

"That's right, Peter. It's all part of my plan... Heh!" Zell responded with excitement in his voice.

"No Peter. Pedro. Pedro Kojima," Pedro said nervously, hoping that he didn't annoy Zell with his correction.

"Peter, Pedro, Phil, Putin... Who cares? I'll just call you Mr. Kojima if it's so damned important to you." Zell snapped back at Pedro, before turning his attention at the lock on the door. "I've seen you come and go from the Workshop Class before. You must be really good with tools, right?" Zell asked Pedro in a very serious tone.

"Uh, workshop. Yes, me like! You like workshop?" Pedro's face lit up like a christmas tree at the prospect of the two of them possibly sharing something in common.

"Fuck no, you loser! I was unjustly banned from there years ago," Zell blurted out. "Anyways, enough about that malarkey! We've got some real business to attend to here... Pedro, do you think you can lock pick this door?" Zell asked while pointing at the lock.

"What? No way, mister. Illegal!" Pedro cried out.

"Quit your whining, boy!" Zell barked back at Pedro, tightening his muscles. "Look, listen... There's a secret gift for you in there. We just have to go in there to grab it." Zell lied poorly.

"Gift? No, no gift. Illegal," Pedro responded. Zell was growing visibly impatient due to the repeated rejection of his plans. Suddenly his demeanor changed, and he began to smirk.

"Pedro... There's hentai magazines in there. All the latest issues of Honkers no Densetsu, and they could be all yours..." Zell said softly.

"HONKERS NO DENSETSU!?" Pedro shrieked like a lunatic, startling Zell who fell on his ass from the sheer shock of it. Pedro kneeled down, laid his backpack on the ground in front of him and began rummaging through it. In just a few seconds he produced a toolbox from his backpack and then turned his attention towards the lock on the door. Pedro picked up some metal gear from his toolbox and began picking the lock. Meanwhile Zell had barely gotten back on his feet and was still reeling from being startled. He quickly touched up his ass to make sure he didn't shit himself and then pretended that he was just adjusting his belt.

"Yummy yummy in my tummy! Honk! Honk! Honkers no Densetsu!" Pedro sang in a melodic tone. It was the catchphrase of the famous hentai series Honkers no Densetsu that Pedro was obsessed with. Beads of sweat began sliding down his face as he struggled to get the door open.

"Well? Are you going to get that door open or not?" Zell rudely interjected.

"Shut up, mister. Need focus!" Pedro barked back at him. Pedro was growing increasingly frustrated at being unable to pick the lock with the gear he had. He decided to ditch any finesse in his efforts and instead began to violently jam the gear at the lock, breaking his tools soon after. "Oh no! No tool, no Honkers!" Pedro cried out in disbelief.

Zell had been closely observing Pedro while he worked on the lock and was utterly disappointed at his performance, and now it looked like the jig was up. "Kojima, you fucking talentless hack!" Zell bellowed in anger. He then grabbed Pedro by his neck and lifted him off the ground. Zell used his other hand to grab Pedro's pants and then proceeded to use Pedro as a battering ram against the door. Pedro screamed in fear as his head slammed against the door for the first time.

"No! It hurt! Stop!" Pedro pleaded, but it was of no use. Zell performed another strike against the door, and this time there was an audible crack and some splinters flying out of where Pedro's head made impact. Zell was filled with adrenaline and all he knew about in this moment was that the door was his enemy.

Bang! Another smack at the door, and more of the door peeling away. Zell felt how the door was about to give way and prepared all of his strength for the final attack. Zell carried Pedro several steps away from the door and began a running charge at it. BANG! CRASH! Pedro busted through the center of the door and fell limply on the ground inside the Principal's office. From here it was no task at all to open the door by reaching in from the hole and unlocking it.

The door swung open and Zell was back in the principal's office... This time on his own terms. His grand scheme was about to be put in motion, as he planned to find graduation papers and forge himself a passing grade. Then, and only then, could he finally escape the neverending hell of Balamb Garden.

He started to look around the heavily decorated room. Numerous objects adorned the walls, antique furniture laid about as if an expert interior designer placed it, and many trinkets and odd items were abound.

On the desk he saw a newspaper called The Daily Principal dated February 3rd, 2088. It had a headline that read "Shares in Parasol Pharmaceuticals soar" and underneath was an image of a flying car next to a mega skyscraper. "What the hell is Kefka doing with all these old newspapers?" Zell pondered.

He then opened up the drawers of the desk, hoping to find something useful. Instead he found school curriculum, office supplies, and some already opened letters addressed to "E. X. Del Toro". He switched his attention to a laptop on the desk. He opened it, revealing a video that was halfway through playback called "Building the most ancient gulag + secret underground swimming pool".

Next he searched the small table with a book titled "Werewolf: Fact or Fiction". He picked up the book and thumbed through its contents. Inside were bizarre illustrations of werewolves and the occult, along with passages about supposed werewolf facts. On one of the pages, a sentence was highlighted and a handwritten note was penned. It read: "Furry soldier prototype?"

The longer Zell searched the office, the more disturbed he became of Kefka. "This guy is one sick puppy," Zell was getting increasingly anxious over not being able to find where Kefka Palazzo kept the student records. As he paced back and forth inside the office eyeballing his surroundings he suddenly noticed something interesting next to Pedro's lifeless body.

It was a coat rack with Seifer's trench coat hanging from it. Was Seifer still in the school, or had he once again simply forgotten his belongings in here? Zell involuntarily squinted and stroked his chin as trying to process this much information gave him an inordinate amount of mental struggle.

His pondering was interrupted suddenly when a strange, muffled song began playing. Zell shrieked like an idiot, obviously startled by the sudden noise. He turned and looked around, trying to see if he was in any immediate danger. The sound seemed to emerge from one of Kefka Palazzo's filing cabinets.

Zell was gasping for air and sweating bullets over what was inside that cabinet, but quickly calmed himself down as he recalled the wise words of his old SOLDIER CO, Major Sephiroth: "He who hesitates on the battlefield, dies on the battlefield." That was all the encouragement Zell needed. He had now entered what he privately dubbed the "War Mode", a state of mind where he viewed everything around him in terms of a warzone.

He was the brave soldier holding the front lines, and the cabinet was the enemy, and enemies had to be eliminated, no matter the cost. Zell lurched forward, grabbed the cabinet with both of his hands, crouched down and then lunged into the air with backwards momentum, performing an airborne german suplex on the filing cabinet.

BAM! CRASH!

The interiors of the school echoed from the sounds of the cabinets demise, followed by Zell's animal grunts and screams. A pool of blood grew from underneath the remnants of the cabinet as it turned out that Pedro had been laying exactly where Zell smashed it. "Wow, what a mess," Zell commented as he rose up from the pile of rubble. Zell's attention was immediately captured by the now clearly audible song he had heard coming from the cabinet.

He hastily rummaged through the rubble and finally found the culprit: Seifer's smartphone. Even though the phone was bent and cracked to high hell, Zell was still able to see that there was a call coming in. "Hmm, I guess I better answer... It could be important," Zell thought to himself.

"Hello...?" Zell asked, shyly.

"Seifer, you son of a bitch! How dare you!? How fucking DARE you!?" An angry voice barked back at him.

"Huh? Oh, this isn't Sei-" Zell tried to reply back before he was cut off by the person on the other end of the call.

"Grandmother Mizuki is in fucking shock, you piece of shit! You better bring back that pendant! It's been in this family for 300 fucking years! You have five minutes to return the pendant or you will be forever disowned by the Almasy family!"

"B-but..."

"Shut up, shut the fuck up! Bring the pendant back to Grandmother Mizuki or there will be hell to pay! Five minutes, Seifer! Five fucking minutes!" shouted the voice, finally hanging up on their end.

Per usual, Zell had no idea what was going on, but he didn't like being yelled at. "Yeah? Well fuck you too!" Zell screamed as he threw the phone at breakneck speed towards a bookshelf on the other end of the room. As the phone hit the shelf it vaporized into a fine dust. Then, suddenly, a large clicking sound was heard, and the bookshelf started to move away to reveal a hidden staircase.

"W-what?" Zell was confused, but it was quickly replaced with curiosity as he eyeballed the newly revealed passage. Above the stairs was a sign that read "Secret Lab - Authorized Personnel Only." Zell slowly approached the stairs, wondering to himself what horrors awaited below.

CHAPTER VI - GROUND ZEROES

Zell first noticed the sweltering heat as he descended into the lab, hearing the sounds of all types of machinery in the background. As he traversed the first few rooms, he began to see the source of noise and heat.

There were furnaces, stills, vats, and barrels. All the equipment you would need for distilling alcohol. Each piece of equipment was meticulously labelled, there being particular attention put towards labelling certain "strains" of alcohol inside the barrels and vats.

Zell wasn't looking for anything in particular, so he continued to search, hoping to find something useful. Perhaps he could find a way to blackmail Kefka with information found here, he thought. Exploring further he also found the main attraction, the lab itself. It contained mostly low tech and basic equipment, with reference manuals and books about subjects such as herbalism laid around the various tables.

Still, no sense could be made. What was the point of all this? Zell had heard rumors of Kefka running a secret megalixer operation, but producing megalixer wasn't illegal. Why go through all this trouble to hide it? There was only one door that led forward, but it was locked and required a key card to enter.

Zell searched the lab for the key card, but it was not to be found out in the open. The only suspicious thing he noticed while searching was a sink filled with dirty water. It must have been clogged. But perhaps it was clogged for a reason.

He approached the sink, and shoved his hand into the dirty water. As he rummaged around the filth of the sink, he felt a metal object, which he pulled out with his hand. It was an Iron Key that was contributing to the clog of the sink, and pulling it out caused the sink to flush.

With the Iron Key in possession, Zell started looking for some kind of compartment that could be opened with it. As he searched the lab further, he noticed one of the cabinets had a keyhole. He used the Iron Key to open the lock, which opened the cabinet, but also snapped the key as he turned it. The key was of no use anymore.

Inside the cabinet was a combination locked briefcase, with a note attached to it that read: "The number of The Beast."

"Who the hell is The Beast?" Zell figured the note to be some kind of clue, but drew a blank on what it meant. Since the briefcase only took three numbers for it's combination, there were only 1,000 possible combinations. He decided to brute force the lock instead, trying 000, then 001, 002, and so on.

After 30 minutes of fiddling the combination, it finally opened on the combination of 666. Inside the briefcase was a keycard with the letters "LAP" on it! Zell rushed back to the locked door, and slid the card through. The reader returned an error:

"READ FAILURE. ERROR: H-0-T"

"What the frudge?" Zell was stumped. Why the hell wasn't the reader accepting his card?

"More like 'what the fridge'," chuckled a familiar voice.

Zell turned around to see the cartoonish game developer Ralph Miyaymoto standing behind him.

"Ralph!? How the hell did you get here?" Zell was stunned.

"Don't worry about that Zell. You need to focus on solving this mystery." Ralph was here to help. "The card is correct, but it's not ready to be used. Remember what Miyuki did with the God Key in 'Nomitsu Big Jugs'?"

In the anime, Miyuki had to take the God Key out of Hell to make it stable, as the hellfires prevented the key from reaching it's true potential. Then she was able to use the God Key to unlock the heart of the series' heartthrob and have sex with him on the mass grave of the Angels who were lost in the war.

"Hmmm... perhaps I have to put the card in the freezer, so it alters the composition of the card, allowing the reader to process it?" Zell said out loud. He approached one of the lab freezers and opened it, putting the card inside. He closed the door and began waiting.

In the five minute waiting time, Zell did absolutely nothing. He made no movement. He stopped breathing altogether nearly. After five minutes elapsed, he snapped back into the moment and took the card out of the freezer.

With the key card finally ready to use, Zell opened the locked door, which led to an area that looked like a small cell block from a prison. He saw several empty cells as he walked down the halls, and he heard something whimpering towards the very end of the cell block. He quieted his walk, so as to conceal his presence.

In the last cell, Zell spotted a hairy, naked, humanoid beast that appeared to be sleeping on the concrete floor. He approached slowly, as not to wake the beast so he could get a closer look. Upon reaching the cell bars, the beast turned over in its slumber. It's... Seifer! In his groggy state, Seifer noticed Zell. "You traitor... No gamer honor..." Seifer barely managed to say.

"What has that monster done to you?!" Zell knew Kefka was sick, but this was beyond even Zell's comprehension.

"Locked me up... different strains... starving..." Seifer mumbled the words.

"Why are you naked? And hairy?" Zell had first thought perhaps Kefka had glued some pubes on Seifer, but there was such a vast quantity of hair Zell couldn't imagine it possible.

"Clothes on bed," Seifer motioned his hand towards the bed that did in fact have fresh clothes on. "Took off... too hot." Seifer was sweating. The heat from the basement was one thing, but with all the extra hair on him, he was getting walloped by the high temperature.

"Ok, then how did you get so hairy?" Zell was bewildered.

"The megalixer... I drank it and... hair." Seifer still struggled to speak.

"Whoa. The rumors about alcohol putting hair on your chest are true!" Zell had tried all sorts of substances, but for some reason never took much of a liking to alcohol. Perhaps now was the time to start.

Seifer laid on his back, resting on the ground. His cell was standard, with steel bars and a sliding door to get in. "My bad Seifer, I didn't know Kefka was going to screw us both. I'll get you out of here... lickety split!" Zell first tried opening the cell door, and confirmed it was locked. After that, he started to look around the area for a key. No luck either.

"Hmmm. Looks like you're shit out of luck Seifer!" Zell said as he returned to the cells, empty handed.

"You fucker. All your fault!" Seifer was furious, but struggled to show emotion as he was struggling with various conditions, intoxication among them.

"Haha, just joshing with you. I'll use my superior beefster muscles to bend the bars of the cell." Even in this dire situation, Zell felt it appropriate to joke around.

He was still riding the high from the steroids he took earlier, so Zell stood near the bars and put his hands on two neighbouring bars. Then, he braced himself, holding his breath, and began to try pulling the bars apart to make an opening.

"Hungh! Unghhh! Arghhh!" Zell let out earsplitting grunts as he tried to pull apart the bars to no avail. He could feel one of the bars almost bending, and felt it was possible to bend the bars if he put all his might into it. "I just need to take the edge off, then I'll be good," said a panting Zell, as he expended a great deal of energy in his attempt.

Inside Seifer's cell was a bottle with a label on it that read "Megalixer Virus - Strain 37". It was near enough the bars that Zell could grab it from the outside. Zell crouched down to pick up the bottle, and saw it was still over three quarters full. "Wow, you're such a lightweight Seifer. You barely drank any and you're already drunk. Watch this!" Zell took the bottle and guzzled it in 10 seconds flat.

Seifer was still laid out on the ground. He watched Zell gulp the bottle and was only able to shake his head in disappointment at this harebrained scheme. Even with Zell's large body, he didn't have much of an alcohol tolerance. He would almost certainly throw up the megalixer later because he drank a lethal amount.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Zell felt exceptional. "Bark bark! Awooooo!" Zell started making canine sounds simply because he felt like it. "Alright, round two bars. You're going down... Bitch!" Zell once again entered "War Mode" and saw the bars as an adversary. He approached the bars once more.

He focused all his might and anger into his fists, and then gripped the bars. In his state of ultimate concentration, Zell could feel the sorrow of the steel bars. How they had been melted, mangled, and pounded into the shape they now represent. Zell shed a solitary tear in compassion for the bars, then summoned his Beefster Overwhelming strength. In this moment, the bars no longer felt like steel, but putty instead.

This method was a tremendous success! Zell bent the bars beyond what was necessary for him to enter the cell now. "Rarggh!" Zell made an animalistic scream in celebration of his triumph. He quickly entered the cell and inspected the interior further. Beyond a bed on the side, there was only a small window on the wall that had a view of the barely-visible full moon that was to be seen later in the night.

"Hungry... need food," said a frail Seifer. Zell hadn't seen any food on his way in, and didn't have anything on him. Then, a once in a lifetime moment occurred: Zell remembered something useful. He had the gysahl greens bag from earlier stuffed in his jorts.

"Hey, Seifer, did you know gysahl is totally safe? It has no drawbacks. You can take as much as you want and you won't overdose. It's what some refer to as the 'pristine drug'." Zell then pulled out the bag and started stuffing it in Seifer's face. Seifer didn't like the taste, but was thankful for any nutrition at this point.

"Hmmm, I'm a bit peckish too. Don't mind if I do!" Zell quipped, grabbing some gysahl greens for himself and munching on it furiously. Seifer's condition seemed to improve rapidly from eating the gysahl greens, to the point where he was able to sit up on his own accord.

"That gysahl greens tasted like shit... but it did the trick, HEH!" Seifer had made an almost miraculous recovery. He was feeling rather chipper now and ready to leave this forsaken lab. "Now let's make like a tampon and -" Seifer was cut off swiftly by Zell.

"You already made that joke. Say it again and I'll strangle you," Zell said deadpan.

Seifer was slightly annoyed his joke was ruined, but was just happy to be feeling better. Just as the two got up to leave the cell, a shadowy figure emerged from the other end of the room. "Not so fast," said the figure.

"Huh!?" Zell had enough surprises today, he didn't need any more.

The figure moved further into the light, revealing himself to be Kefka Palazzo. "You destroyed my office, and now you want to sabotage my research?" said a still calm, but increasingly stern Kefka. Zell instinctively went on the offensive, and grabbed the empty megalixer bottle he drank and threw it at Kefka. His aim was remarkably close given he was intoxicated and high on gysahl greens, but it still missed, crashing against the wall.

Kefka was shocked, and produced a silver gun from his interior coat pocket, pointing it directly at Zell. "No more games!" said a pissed-off Kefka.

"Even Chocobo-Hunters?" In Zell's state, he couldn't comprehend the situation he was in and simply took Kefka's words at face value, afraid that there might not be any more gaming.

"Enough! Get in the corner of the cell!" Kefka ordered Zell, pointing with his other hand to the corner. Zell complied, as he was feeling in quite a chill mood.

Kefka then looked at the glass megalixer bottle on the ground again and noticed there was no liquid that spilled from the wreckage. He was confused. "Who drank the rest of the megalixer?" Kefka asked the two.

"Zell gulped it," Seifer said, pointing at Zell in the corner. Zell nodded.

"How are you talking? You were incapacitated when I left." Kefka couldn't make sense of his experiment.

"Well, we both ate some gysahl greens because we were hankering for some grub. It made us right as rain, Mister Kefka," said Zell. His entire demeanor was altered from the intoxicating effects of megalixer and gysahl greens. He then pointed towards a bag of gysahl greens on the ground that still had some remnants in it.

Seifer started patting his body as it felt itchy, and the hair that was on him started falling off completely. If you could see behind the ski goggles Kefka was wearing, you would see his eyes were bulged at the sight he just witnessed.

"That's it! The suppressant," Kefka said as he put away the gun.

"Can I get out of the corner now?" asked Zell, not sure what Kefka had planned.

"Yes... yes, you may leave the corner. In fact, both of you are free to go," said Kefka, still deep in his own thoughts.

Zell and Seifer both felt relieved to be able to leave this precarious situation. Seifer grabbed the clothes on the bed, put them on hastily, and both began to exit the cell.

"You are to never speak of what you saw in here. Do you understand?" said Kefka, realizing his experiment had yielded greater results than he could have ever imagined.

"Wow, that's easy. Deal," said Seifer. He didn't give two shits about this lab malarkey.

"Oh, and Zell... Your suspension is lifted. You resume school tomorrow." Kefka must have been in a good mood.

Zell was simultaneously relieved and annoyed, because while he was now doing better in school, he lamented the idea of his one week vacation being taken from him. "Grrrr... Okay," said a reluctant Zell.

As he passed by Kefka, Zell had something on his mind. "By the way, how do you see down here with those ski goggles on?" It puzzled Zell given how dark it was down here.

"Don't push your luck, Dincht." Kefka pointed them towards the exit.

As Zell and Seifer walked out of the lab, they heard Kefka in the distance talk to himself about "battle data" and how this was a "game changer".

Zell exited the school with Seifer beside him, and he pondered the strange happenings of the day. Why hasn't Rinoa succumbed to his advances yet? What is Kefka doing with that lab? When was he finally going to graduate from school? And where did Pedro learn martial arts?

These mysteries would never be solved, he concluded, and therefore stopped thinking about them. He then turned to his good chum Seifer. "Let's grief some noobs on Chocobo-Hunters!" Zell said enthusiastically.

"Good idea, Zell," Seifer replied, then stopping in his tracks to summon all of his might. "HEH!" Seifer screamed from the top of his lungs, feeling like a new man.

As Zell and Seifer crossed the street without looking both ways-

CRASH!

A dump truck smashed into the two, hurling them both 20 feet forward and crumpled up on the tarmac. The dump truck driver hit the brakes, getting out of his vehicle and holding his head in panic. As he frantically dialed the paramedics, Seifer and Zell laid motionless on the ground.

Once the EMTs arrived, they placed Zell and Seifer on stretchers. Neither had any vital signs as they were smashed by a 10-ton vehicle at over 50 miles per hour. Then, suddenly, Zell opened his eyes, and muttered:

"To be continued..."

CREDITS

Book by GZ and Lazrool