In Flatus Veritas: Hermione's Choice

by Urg the Unclad

It was one o'clock in the morning and Harry and Ron were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room working on their Divination homework. Hermione had gone off to bed hours earlier, scoffing in their direction. Even Harry had to admit that he and Ron had probably waited too long to start writing the four feet of parchment that Professor Trelawney expected at nine o'clock the next morning. As a result, Harry and Ron's predictions were even more outlandish than usual, if such a thing were possible.

Ron yawned. 'All right. On Thursday the fifteenth the Fat Lady will magically become human, jump out of her picture frame, and sit on you. You'll be lost forever in her ample bum. Sorry, mate,' said Ron, grimacing. 'Hell of a way to go.'

'I can't write that!' said Harry, who was nearly rolling on the floor with laughter.

'Too late!' said Ron, affecting Professor Trelawney's airy tone. 'Your fate is fixed by the stars; you cannot change the stars! Besides,' he said, grinning, 'I already wrote it down for you. Your turn!'

Harry wrinkled his forehead in thought. Suddenly, a very evil idea seized him. 'On Friday the sixteenth, you will fall madly in love.' Ron groaned.

'Her name will be Brunnhilde von Braunsmuck and she will have fourteen toes on her right foot alone. Nine hairy warts on her nose, and three eyes—one yellow, one red, and one green. She will be roughly the weight of Dudley riding a mountain troll, and have—'

'Wavy brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, and perfect teeth,' said Ron absent-mindedly.

Harry raised an eyebrow at his friend, who had written the phrase 'On Friday the sixteenth, I will fall madly in love' on his parchment, and was now doodling H's and mysterious loopy letters that looked something like G's in the margins. Ron blushed crimson. 'Er…right. What was that? Brunnhilde von…'

'Brunnhilde von Granger,' said Harry innocently.

Ron threw his quill pen at Harry and shot him a seductive smile. 'Only if you'll von Granger with me!'

Harry stared at Ron with shock and—something else, what was it?—in his large emerald eyes, which burned bright like jade swimming pools of desire. He had never seen Ron in that way before, but there was something in the way he spoke that made Harry feel…good…..

Before they knew it, brotherly hug turned to tango of passion—lips brushed burning like fire dancing freely. A closet door had swung wide open.

N den Hagqworts beez turnin into de swamp.

N de great sqwid kame n eatted dem.

Dumbledorrr beez fartin in de squid, BAMSMACKA n out pop de babie.

Dey beez namin de babie Squiddledore.

De end.