A/n: I do not own anything, all characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm simply writing this story for entertainment only. Contains spoilers if you have never seen or read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Please read before starting.

What to expect: I have been wanting to write this story for a long time. I wanted to capture the vulnerability of Tonks during her guard time at Hogwarts. I also wanted to see my favorite character, Severus Snape struggle with the fact that he has to kill Dumbledore and his love for Lily. This story will have adult situations and rated Mature for obvious reasons. I am a huge fan of Remus/Tonks relationship, but while he is away I want her to find comfort in the arms of someone who understands her pain. I want to capture Snape's soft side while also in character. The two characters have to build a bond before they can confide in one another so please be patient and keep reading, I will guarantee that it will get super interesting. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Please read and review.

I dedicate my story to Alan Rickman. You will be missed and never forgotten. "Always"

La Douleur Exquise

Chapter 1 – "Dark Side of the Moon"

Tonks decided to get an early start on packing because she couldn't sleep. Today was September the first and Tonks is to report for her Auror duty at Hogwarts. As much as Tonks didn't feel like packing or going to Hogwarts, she knew she didn't have a choice. No matter how heartbroken she is, her job is to keep the students at Hogwarts safe. Not only is it her job, it is her responsibility as a member of the Order. Dumbledore and Kingsley felt it would be best to pick Tonks for this position. She knew deep down that they were just trying take her mind off current events and figured that she needed to get away for a while.

Tonks went to her closet to pick out her wardrobe for the next three months. She packed all of her work clothes, robes, and cloaks. She also packed most of her jeans and combat boots. Tonks didn't feel much like her usual self lately and didn't see the need to pack her rock t-shirts. This was an important ministry job and she didn't want the impression of looking naïve and foolish. With that thought, Tonks looked up and saw her reflection in the dresser mirror. She hated having her mousy brown hair, but it was her true form. Her hair was no longer chin length either; it was down to her shoulders. She wondered if Remus would take her more serious now that she looked like every other adult witch. In all honesty, it didn't make ant difference what she did to her appearance; she was still thirteen years younger than him. A tear escaped from her eye when remembered what he had said a couple of weeks prior. Ever since that unforgettable night, she had been unable to morph her appearance.

*Flashback*

Tonks hadn't seen Remus since Sirius passed away. They were so happy and in love, but Remus went cold and numb since he had lost his best friend, Sirius. Remus just disappeared for several months and no one had heard from him until tonight.

Tonks was in her flat cleaning since she was going to be gone for duty in a couple of weeks. She was just about to take a shower when she heard a knock on her door. Immediately she grabbed her wand and walked to the door. They had to be extra careful now since Voldemort had made his return known.

"Who is it?" asked Tonks.

"It's….It's Remus." Remus responded timidly. Tonks' heart jumped with excitement, but she was also a bit nervous. She was a angry with him for leaving without saying anything, but also she understood completely after losing someone so close he needed his space. Tonks also wasn't completely sure it could be Remus, after all she hadn't heard from him in a while.

"How do I know this is truly Remus?" Tonks asked suspiciously.

"Ask me anything." Lupin replied.

She knew the question had to be something only the two of them knew about each other. After all, no one, but Sirius knew about their secret relationship and he just assumed. "Where was the location of our first kiss?" Tonks asked him mischievously.

Remus was really not in the mood for games, but he knew that dark times were ahead and Tonks is never serious. He responded, "The kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Is that convincing enough, Dora?"

"Why are you here, Remus?" Tonks asked with curiosity.

Remus paused before answering, "I just want to talk."

The door lock clicked and Tonks opened the door inviting him in her flat. He looked shabbier than usual and exhausted. Tonks really didn't want to give him a hard time, in all honesty, she was just glad that he was alright.

"Thank you for inviting me in, Dora, you know…after everything." Remus was always a gentlemen and very polite.

Tonks couldn't help but ask. "You just left….without a word. Everyone was wondering if you were alright. Where have you been?" Looking at him made her heartache. She wished there was a way to make all the pain go away for him, but there wasn't. She stood there with her arms crossed waiting for his answer.

Remus didn't answer her. He walked into the foyer and seemed like he was at a loss for words. He just told her, "I'm only here because we… we need to talk." He tried to keep it together, but this was just as hard for him to say as it was for her to hear it. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and… well… I feel we should end this before anyone gets hurt." His face was emotionless, what he said seemed like it didn't faze him in the slightest bit. He ran his fingers through his hair.

Tonks was in shock, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Oh come off it, Remus. Why are you really here?" She tried to play it off as a joke just hoping he wasn't being serious.

"To end this fling we have going on, Dora. You couldn't possibly believe this was going to last. We are in a war for Merlin's sake." Deep down Lupin knew it wasn't going to be easy. After all, he just told her he loved her the night before the battle at the Ministry. He does love her, but with everything going on he knew that she deserved better. He had told her multiple times that they shouldn't get involved with each other for many reasons, but his judgment was clouded by his strong attraction for her. He felt that he was finally thinking clearly and that this is the only way to make it right for her.

"Is it so wrong for me to believe it can last?" Tonks asked trying to keep her cool and not lose it. She has always had a short fuse and the littlest thing could set her off.

"Yes, it shows just how naïve you are. That's one of the reasons right there, Dora, you are too young to understand the consequences. I am thirteen years older than you. I am only 5 years younger than your mother, Dora. How does that not repulse you?" Remus kept trying to find ways to get Tonks to understand his reasoning.

She couldn't hold in her anger any longer. She hated being mean to him because he is usually a kind gentleman, but this was not the Remus she knows and loves. This is a cold hearted monster that is just trying to push her away. "I am not a child so quit treating me like I am. I am a grown woman and an Auror, Remus. Age doesn't matter to me, you know that and it shouldn't matter to you either. Why can't you understand that I don't care?"

"I DO, Dora!" Remus shouted.

"I thought you loved me. You told me you loved me." Tears started to fill her eyes.

"I know and I apologize for that. I was blinded by lust." he lied.

That was all it took to completely emotionally crimple Tonks. Unable to hold it another second together, tears streamed down her heart shaped face. She pleaded between sobs, "but… I love you… I want you. I don't care how old you are. I just want you the way you are."

Remus broke eye contact with her. He knew that if he looked at her beautiful face any longer he would give in. He looked down at the floor and confessed to her, "I know you might not care now, but one day you will. I couldn't live with myself. You deserve someone your own age. One day when you're older you will understand and you will thank me for it." He turned toward the door. He had to get out of there and fast.

Tonks grabbed his shoulder and tried to turn him around to face her. "Remus, please don't go. I love you." She implored.

He wouldn't face her. "There are a thousand reasons I should leave and all of them have your best interest at heart."

"There are also a thousand reasons you should stay. Quit being honorable and be selfish for once." It was Tonks' last attempt she surely hoped he would see reason.

"I'm leaving now, Dora. Please refrain from contacting me; it will just make things worse." He walked out of the door and before Tonks could catch up, she heard a pop and he vanished. Just like that, he was gone. The next night she went over to the Weasley's to confide in Molly about everything. Molly being the glue holding everyone together thought they could work it out over dinner the following night. Tonks wanted to give Lupin his space and not contact him like he asked. She decided to not accept the invitation and do the mature thing for once.

Tonks sat alone at home packing, where her screams were silent. Her mind was constantly reminiscing joyfully painful moments with Remus. Always the confident Tonks finally understood what it feels like to be insecure and it is eating her alive. She needed to get away from her flat. For only ten feet away was the couch were her and Remus first made love, but wait, he said he didn't love her. She noticed something brown on the end of the couch folded neatly. Her heart sank when she realized what it was. It was Remus' favorite gray cardigan and she immediately put it to her nose and was lost in a nostalgic spell. Tonks folded the cardigan slowly and put it in her suitcase. Overwhelmed with grief, she said under her breath, "I can't take this anymore" and grabbed her suitcase and thought Hogmeade Village and POP.