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Ch 9 – Warmth From the Firewhiskey

Early Saturday morning, Snape was brewing a potion. There was nothing Snape enjoyed more than breathing in the fumes of an advanced potion in the morning. Dumbledore had asked him to brew a fresh draft of Wolfsbane for Lupin. Snape knew that Lupin's mission was dangerous and if he didn't have control over himself during the transformation, there was no telling what he would be capable of. In all honesty, Snape could care less about Lupin's well-being. Since Lupin is an asset to the Order, Snape felt that it was his duty to help him through these grim times. Snape also relished the fact that Lupin had to depend on him to brew the potion in the first place.

As the potion neared completion, a flapping noise startled him. When Snape turned around he noticed Fawkes perched on his desk. Fawkes was obviously waiting to deliver the potion for Snape. Fawkes was the Orders secret messenger since the Owl Post had been faulty lately. Snape pulled a large flask out of his robe. He grabbed a ladle and poured the steamy contents into the flask and tightened it. He also pulled out a small note from his robes and attached it the flask.

Remus,

Cutting it a bit close are you? Next time give me more notice.

-S.S.

Snape walked over to his desk and handed the flask to Fawkes. The phoenix grasped the flask in his talon and soared out the window. Snape had an odd desire to write more in the letter, but refrained from it. Having the urge to write more in the letter was unusual behavior for Snape. After all, what was going on between Lupin and Tonks was none of his business. The thought of Tonks sent an unnerving feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't help but feel uneasy about their plans tonight. Knowing Tonks there was no telling what questions she was planning on asking him, and that was what worried Snape the most. Severus prided himself on being a private enigma. Having true horrors and agony in one's past will lead to a life of solitude and secrets. He tried to put his past behind him. His memories and suffering is what created his character and there was no escaping ones past. The last thing Snape wanted to do was bring up his old feelings and memories, he told himself years ago that he wanted to let bygones be bygones and move on from those haunting thoughts.

As every minute got closer to tonight's events, Snape wanted to change your mind and forget about the entrance to the secret passageway. He asked himself, "Is it even worth it?" The answer was always yes and he repeated that question to himself throughout the day. Snape had yearned for the location of the passageway ever since Potter's third year. Not only did he crave the location, but he knew that deep down he craved social interaction as well. The thought of opening up to someone had Snape thinking about what Dumbledore said to him at the beginning of the term.

***Flashback***

"You are a great person, Severus. Why can't you make the best of the time you have left?" Dumbledore asked.

"How am I to do that?" Severus replied cynically.

"Well for starters you can talk to someone. Let someone besides me, see the good in you." Dumbledore stated.

Snape couldn't help but think about the end of this school year. Once he kills Dumbledore, everyone will view him as a murderer. Dumbledore was mistaken; they both had an expiration date. When Snape thought about how long he actually had left, he concluded that it didn't matter what he told Tonks tonight. In less than six months she will see him no differently than anyone else. If answering ten questions could help distract him from these dark times than he would accept the challenge.

Concluding a rather relaxing Saturday of grading papers and guard duty, Snape headed to his personal chambers. He knew that Tonks would meet him there and didn't bother checking in with her. Snape's hand clasped the doorknob to his chamber and opened the door. The common room was chilly and routine. He pointed his wand to the fire place and it ignited immediately. A groan escaped his mouth as he sat down in his leather chair and elevated his feet. The warm flames were beginning to fill the dreary room. The book, Brewing Antidotes for Dark Curses was in the crease of his chair. He grabbed the book and opened it to his current place and began to read.

Looking up at the full moon, Tonks couldn't help but worry about Remus. Every full moon pained her with worry. She hoped and prayed that he was safe. She went into her robes to grab a tissue when she felt the outline of the Firewhisky bottle. Not aware of the time, she looked down at her watch. Tonks realized she was ten minutes late for her engagement with Snape. The only thing holding Tonks together lately were her plans with Snape, but the full moon clouded her mind of all happy thoughts.

She took off down the halls hurriedly. When she arrived at Snape's chambers her heart was racing rapidly. She used the excuse that she was running, but deep down she felt nervous and keen. She took a deep breath to calm herself and knocked on the door. Waiting to be greeted was intense for Tonks. She wondered if Snape would mistake her pounding heartbeat for a knock on the door.

When Snape opened the door, he immediately noticed her swollen eyes. He could tell that she was upset and also felt the same awkwardness as he did. They were the two most unlikely people one would see meeting at a sketchy time of the night. If anyone was awake to witness this communion, they would swear they were hallucinating.

"You're late." He stated bluntly. He opened the door and hand motioned her to enter his chambers.

She proceeded past him lying, "I left the Firewhiskey in my room and had to go get it." She wanted to ease the tension between them and set a friendly atmosphere. "We both know that Firewhiskey will help make this discussion more… endurable."

He nodded with agreement. Snape couldn't deny it, she was right. He could use a strong drink right about now. He headed over to his liquor cabinet and a pulled out two hardball glasses, a bottle of mead, and filled up a bucket of ice. He used magic to levitate it to the coffee table. Once everything was prepared, Snape sat down back in his chair. Tonks was already sitting on the couch and pulled the bottle of Firewhiskey out of her cloak. She poured both of them a glass.

They both sipped their drink in awkward silence until Snape broke the ice. "To clarify, I am going to answer ten questions about myself?" Tonks nodded in agreement. "…and in exchange you will disclose to me the whereabouts of the passageway I seek?"

Tonks informed. "Correct. You also have to answer the questions thoroughly."

Snape rolled his eyes and stated cynically, "Seeing as though you want to intrude on my personal affairs I didn't expect "yes" or "no" answers would suffice."

Tonks knew that Snape was not going to let this go down without making it difficult. She knew he would be like this. "Oh come off it Snape. Is it so hard to believe that I just want to get to know you?"

Snape was at a loss for words. He didn't know why she was so intent on getting to know him. No one had ever made the effort to get to know the real him before and in all honesty, he felt exposed. Deciding to get the show on the road he asked, "Well, are you going to start anytime soon?" Snape requested.

Tonks rolled her eyes and took the opportunity. "Why do you teach if you hate children so much?"

Snape confessed, "I don't have a choice. It's all part of being a double agent and my protection."

"We always have a choice, inform me." Tonks directed. She was very interested in wondering why he felt like he didn't have a choice but to teach.

"I was fresh out of school when Dumbledore hired me on to teach potions. I became a Death Eater and the Dark Lord sent me to be a spy at Hogwarts. In time I became a double agent. It is now my duty on both sides to be here teaching." Snape stated coolly. Tonks finally understood why he hated his job so much. Snape was forced to be at Hogwarts no matter how much he loathed it.

Tonks nodded in agreement. "That is terrible, what did you want to do before you became a professor?"

Snape took a swig of his drink and retorted, "A Healer or Potioneer."

"A Healer? I would've never guessed that." Tonks couldn't help but giggle. "I could totally see you as an Auror or Potioneer type, but not a healer." Tonks finished off her drink. She then continued, "I mean you would have terrible bed side manners." Tonks laughed at the thought of Snape's snide remarks to his patients. Of all professions she didn't think Snape was the type of person to want to cure and help people.

"That's because you don't know me, Nymphadora." Snape specified. That much was true. Only a few people knew that he enjoyed curing complicated curses and brewing complex potions to help the sick.

Snape leaned over and poured him another glass of Firewhiskey.

Tonks couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Learning this new information about him made her crave more. She was beginning to respect and maybe even like the Severus Snape she was now discovering. Tonks desperately wanted Snape to understand that the true reason for this was to get to know him. "Well that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to figure you out." Tonks held her glass out to him and Snape topped both of their glasses off. "I want to get to know you, the real you."

The last thing he wanted was Tonks to think that he cared about what she had to say. He thought it was strange of her to actually want to get to know him on a personal level. "Next question, we don't have all night." Snape proceeded shortly. He would never admit it to himself, but he was actually enjoying her company.

"Were you a trouble maker in school?" Tonks asked him playfully. She was feeling the whiskey take its affect.

Snape answered rudely. "No, not everyone is as immature as you, Nymphadora."

Tonks just laughed off his rude remark. She was confused by what he said. "I don't understand how a rule follower became a Death Eater. Why did you become a Death Eater?"

"I was naive, troubled, and full of angst. I didn't know any better at the time." Snape declared. He was worried that she would make him go into detail and that he refused to get into. He was feeling a bit tingly, but even at his drunkest he kept his composure. He put the glass to his lips and finished off his second glass of Firewhiskey.

The Firewhiskey was affecting Tonks and she was getting warm. "Phew…I'm burning up in here." Tonks commented as she took off her traveling cloak and revealed her attire. Snape couldn't help but stare. She had a low cut purple V-neck that accentuated her curves, a short jean skirt with torn tights under it, and black combat boots. Snape was used to seeing Tonks in this type of apparel, but for some reason he was looking at her differently than before. "They don't call it Firewhiskey for nothing, Am I right?" She asked Snape. He immediately noticed what he was doing and nodded. He tore his eyes off of her body and took another swig of his drink.

Tonks sat back down and continued, "So do you regret it?"

Snape's eyes met hers. He didn't know how else to respond. "Regret what? Becoming a Death Eater." Snape couldn't help but forget what they were discussing. He knew it was the liquor effects that made him admire her physique. Just like every other person, drinking clouded a person's judgement.

Tonks nodded with agreement.

"I regret a great deal of my past, predominantly becoming a Death Eater." The mood changed drastically. Snape was now beginning to lose a part of his filter. Deep down he wasn't sure if it was the alcohol to blame or his desperate need for social interaction, but Snape couldn't help feeling the urge to divulge his secrets.

"What is your biggest regret?" Tonks was risking a lot by asking this question, but he agreed to ten questions. She knew he would try to get out of answering this question and added, "Besides becoming a Death Eater."

At the sound of her question Snape finished off his whiskey. With annoyance, he sat glassware on the table and filled it nearly to the rim of his glass. Snape knew in order to answer this question he needed another drink. "You sure are enjoying yourself, aren't you Nymphadora?"

Tonks nodded with satisfaction and declared, "Consider it payback after all these years." She was relieved that he wasn't angered by her prying.

Snape lifted his drink in the air and nodded his head with agreement and stated, "Touché." Pondering over all the regrettable moments in his dreary life, Snape knew only one in particular stood out amongst the rest. Snape yearned to express his true regret to Tonks, to anyone for that matter, but as always, he slithered back in to his hole and clarified, "All of my regrets are the result of becoming a Death Eater. I have witnessed and contributed to horrors that you and the Order can scarcely envisage. "

Tonks didn't know if she truly believed him. She knew the only means to get him to confess was to ask him to elaborate. "Try me. I want to know the worst thing you've done.

"Honestly, Nymphadora I'm not comfortable answering that particular question. Next question." Snape instructed.

"Why not? Are you worried I'm going to hold it against you or something?" She teased. "I promise I won't tell anyone. You have my word."

Snape remained silent. He literally just sat there drinking his liquor waiting patiently for the next question.

"C'mon, it can't be that terrible. I can handle it, I assure you." Tonks implored.

"I'm not worried about your fragile heart, Nymphadora." Snape sneered. All of his life when he feels uncovered or susceptible, Snape immediately shields his emotions with anger. "Besides it's really none of your concern."

"Fine then, ask me something personal." Tonks responded proudly.

Snape had a sour look on his face. He honestly didn't have any desire to learn anything about her. He decided that he had enough bonding for one night and insisted, "We can finish this little chat another time." He stood up quickly and headed to the door to escort her out.

"If I leave now I will add five more questions. Seeing as we are only half way through, I would advise you differently."

Snape had a look of pure loathing and took a deep breath to calm him. Tonks could see the aggression and infuriation build up inside of him. He was almost to the door when he turned around and walked back to her. She couldn't help but enjoy the self-inflicted agony he was putting himself through. He didn't bother grabbing his glass. This time he decided to grab the fresh bottle of mead from the table and opened it. He sat down on the opposite side of couch with Tonks.

"What is worst thing you've done? So appalling the mere thought of it haunts your thoughts." Snape pressed the full bottle to his lips and gulped its contents. He leaned over the middle seat of the couch and glared his eyes into hers intensely and hissed, "Oh and if your answer doesn't satisfy me. You will have to give me the location now. Is that understood?"

Tonks couldn't help but feel intimidated. When his coal black eyes gaped directly into hers, an icy sting shivered through her skin and settled in her chest. It was a sensation Tonks had never felt before. She tired her best to hide her edginess and chortled, "Then you won't mind if I finish off that bottle of Firewhiskey?"

"Any means necessary." Snape responded nonchalantly.

"In that case…" Tonks grabbed the bottle of Firewhiskey and continued, "We have a long night ahead of us. What I am about to tell you stays between us." Snape nodded in agreement. Tonks pressed the Firewhiskey to her lips and took a swig. After she swallowed she began, "I was in fifth year. I was as well as every other girl in school, drooling over Phillip Deidrick"

"I can recall." Snape agreed. He could remember bigheaded Phillip and all the times Snape took away points from Hufflepuff for his many rendezvous after hours.

Tonks was very outspoken, but she felt uncomfortable talking about this topic with Snape of all people. She continued, "He was dating Bernice Baton at the time. All she did was brag about how great of a boyfriend he was and how amazing he was in bed. At the time, all of the Hufflepuff girls were getting boyfriends and losing their virginity. Well… everyone except me. The main reason I was saving myself was because I was infatuated with Phillip. I only had eyes for him, but there was no way he would leave Bernice for someone like me" Tonks couldn't help but blush. What she had just confessed to Snape was humiliating. Struggling for the will to proceed, she took another swig of Firewhiskey. Snape was way out of his comfort zone at this point and was already halfway through his mead.

Tonks took a deep breath and carried on, "Anyways, the day before we left for Christmas break, Phillip knocked on the girls' dormitory door. I was the only girl in there at the time. He asked me to deliver a note to Bernice and of course I agreed. Without hesitation, I opened the note. It read, Meet me in the Trophy room at midnight. I contemplated what I should do with the note. Should I give it to Bernice or should I not. It wasn't until 11:30 when I truly thought about it. I went to the loo and decided to morph into Bernice. As I admired her beauty in the mirror, I decided to meet Phillip. I was so nervous and when I made it to the Trophy room I had changed my mind. I turned around to go back to the dormitory, but Phillip arrived before I could disappear. Without hesitation he grabbed me aggressively and powerfully forced his lips to mine. He didn't say a word, he just kissed me over and over and I couldn't break away. His lips had me in a trance and I went along with it. I wanted to feel beautiful and wanted, but in the end, I felt pathetic. After that, I didn't care much anymore. I lost all respect for myself and pretty much became an event. My first time was with someone who thought I was someone else. What is wrong with me? " She felt ashamed, but relieved as well.

Tonks saw something in Snape's black eyes and she had seen it only once before. It wasn't pity or judgment; it was understanding. He could relate perfectly. If given the opportunity to morph into James Potter and feel Lily's love and respect once last time, he wouldn't think twice about it. "You would be surprised just how normal that sounds to me. The lengths that people will take to feel wanted."

"I have never told anyone this before, especially not Remus. My whole life I never felt wanted or beautiful until I met him and look how that turned out." She took a large sip of Firewhiskey. I guess it comes with the curse of being what I am. When you can change your appearance at will, why would anyone want to be their true self?"

Snape was speechless, all he could respond was shrugging his shoulders. He would've never guess that she had so many demons. From his perspective, she had always seemed optimistic and full of life.

"I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest." Tonks disclosed. She was surprised that Snape was actually being understanding and didn't have something rude to say. "Now it's your turn. What's the worst thing you've done?"

Tonks could see that Snape was hesitant about answering. A sigh escaped Snape's lips as he spoke, "Of all the terrible actions I participated in and let happen will never compare to what I had done. A reckless choice I once made sixteen years ago." He took another sip of mead before continuing. "The worst thing I've done…" he paused. Snape rubbed his tired eyes and looked down at the ground with shame. "…led to the loss of the only woman I will ever love."

"I'm so sorry." Tonks tried to hide her emotions. What escape his lips positioned all the puzzle pieces together and solved the mystery of Severus Snape.

"Old history Nymphadora, but not a day goes by without the pain."

"What happened?" She asked. She knew this was it. This was the moment she had been waiting for.

Snape hesitated, but remembered what Tonks had shared with him. He felt as though he could trust her and that they were not so different from one another. "I notified the Dark Lord about conspiracies against him not knowing who was all involved. Eventually leading to the murder of…" he stopped before he revealed too much. He couldn't believe he let alcohol cloud his judgement. He almost mentioned Lily's name to her. In order to protect himself, he couldn't tell a soul about Lily and his betrayal.

Tonks was speechless. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew that he wouldn't stand for that. Not only was Snape in love, but he made a mistake that led to her death. Everything made complete sense. Snape is miserable and loathes himself. Tonks finally mustered up the courage to speak. "What was she like?" Tonks inquired timidly. She was finally getting to know him and the last thing she wanted to do was push him away.

Snape wanted to tell Tonks every fine detail about Lily. He never had the opportunity to tell someone about her before. The words escaped from his tongue as if they were rehearsed, "She was perfect in every sense of the word. There isn't a person that would disagree. Optimism streamed from her being, leaving a permeant touch on everyone she met. She had the ability of seeing the beauty in the world and in others." Tonks noticed how his face lit up as he spoke of her. It was like he had never had the opportunity to tell her himself. "Uncommonly kind she was, to everyone even if they didn't deserve it. She had a glowing splendor that in just one glance would leave you breathless. Her lips were warmer than the sun's beams on a delightful summer morning. "

Tonks had never seen Snape's face liven up with joy before. It was a pleasant moment to witness. Tonks felt honored to be able to share this with him. "She sounds absolutely remarkable. What a blessing it must have been to be loved by someone so brilliant."

"A blessing indeed, if only I were so lucky." Snape muttered.

Tonks was muddled. "What do you mean?" she questioned.

Snape chuckled skeptically, "I never stood a chance with her. We were best friends and at one point we could've been more. Like always, I pushed her out of my life due to insecurities and foolishness." Snape put on his unemotional mask and continued, "…and in the end it didn't matter; I was her ruin and she was my redemption. Her love could have saved me from myself and my love brought on her demise."

"Isn't it amazing how quickly a disposition can change? How much one person can affect everything?" Tonks commented. She finished off the last sip of Firewhiskey . She couldn't help but rant drunkenly, "How dare they have this control over us. We both deserve better. Is it so hard for someone to love us in return? I guess that's what happens. You let people in, and they destroy you. Lately all I want to do is cry and scream, and let it all out because holding on to all this rage is killing me inside." Tonks stood up and walked over to the window. She had a stunning view of the full moon and couldn't help but let out a weep of agony.

Snape had those same thoughts as well. He was relieved that he wasn't the only in the world that felt this way. He stood up and followed her to the window. The full moon was barely visible at this time. Snape knew exactly what she was thinking about and stated, "It's a shame. No matter how much pain we are in, we can't help but think of them."

Tonks let the few tears that escaped her eyes stream down her face. "I know. I just hope he is safe."

"I assure you that he is." Snape promised as he placed his hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

Tonks turned to face him and mumbled, "How can you be so sure?"

Snape self-proclaimed, "I've been sending him Wolfsbane during his mission."

Before Snape knew it, Tonks had her arms wrapped around his neck in a tight embrace. She pleaded in-between sobs, "Thank you!"

Snape didn't know what to do. It has been ages since he was hugged or even thanked for that matter. He patted her back awkwardly and escaped her embrace.

She wiped her eyes and made her way to door. He followed her to escort her out.

"Before we depart I have an idea." She specified.

Snape questioned, "What might that be?"

"You still have four questions to answer." Snape nodded in agreement. "If you tell me the name of your mystery girl, I will forget the other three questions and give you the location now."

"How do I know this is not a hoax?" Snape surveyed.

"Third Floor corridor, hidden in the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor." Tonks expressed. "I'll give you the password after you give me her name."

Snape was stunned. He thought about what he was giving up by telling Tonks about Lily. He was about to turn down the offer, when he thought about tonight's events. What he learned about Tonks was that she was trustworthy and loyal, a true Hufflepuff. He decided to take the risk and divulge his biggest secret to her. "Lily. Her name was Lily."

Tonks smiled, "What a beautiful name. The password is Dissendium. See you tomorrow night." They both nodded in agreement and Tonks left his chambers and off to the third floor she went.

The rest of the night Tonks couldn't help but toss and turn. She couldn't help but question over and over, "Surely he isn't talking about Lily Potter. He can't be, could he?"