a/n I know it has been a very long time since I have updated, but I am not abandoning this story. I LOVE THIS STORY and I will finish it. I am having a lot of person stuff going on and my career is taking over my life!
Chapter 15- The Ache of Desire
It was now the time for holiday festivities. Being away at Hogwarts was lonely, and Tonks missed seeing her friends around the Ministry everyday. The holiday break sounded exciting because she could go back to her flat and spend time with her family and friends.
Tonks hadn't seen much of Snape since his attack. There was no need to check in with him every night since she had been patrolling for half the school year, but Tonks missed their nightly talks because it was her favorite part of the day.
It was the night of the Slughorn Christmas party and excitement flowed through her. It was an honor to attend such a legendary event, according to Sirius. Sirius used to go on and on about Slughorn's parties. It was always a hilarious story when Sirius and Remus would talk about them and even more comical considering Sirius wasn't even in the Slug Club. Remus always stated that Sirius was always popular with the ladies and made sure to not miss a single party. It was a shame that she never got the opportunity to be taught by Slughorn. If she were, Tonks might of been able to be the top of the class. Tonks was extremely gifted in potions, but Snape made it impossible for anyone to succeed with perfect marks. Everytime she would brew an excellent potion, he would take one look at it and say, "It needs improvement, there is no such thing as perfection" But what excited her more than chaproning the Slug Club party was the fact that after the students leave, the staff Christmas after party would start. She needed to blow off some much needed steam and watching her childhood professors get wasted seemed to be the cure.
As Tonks made her way to the closet, she noticed a silver phoenix fly its way around her room. Dumbledore's voice spoke from the patronus cheerfully, "Due to family matters and work conflicts, the Order's Christmas Gathering will be held on the twenty third of December. Grimmauld Place at eight. We hope to see you all there." The phoenix vanished just as fast as it appeared. Tonks couldn't help but get a nervous feeling wondering if Remus would be there. In order to calm her nerves, she took a deep breath and focused on what she was going to wear. Looking at her closet she remembered she didn't pack any elegant clothes for such an occasion. Judging by the invitation to Slughorn's party, it was going to be an upscale event. She apparated home to look through her wardrobe. There were several dresses that her mother had bought her from muggle stores that were perfect, and she thought she would never wear them. Her mother, being a pureblood witch from the Noble House of Black, always got excited to shop when her father, a muggle born, introduced her to the muggle shopping hotspots around London.
One dress Tonks pulled out of her closet was a deep violet color with black lace on the bust. It was strapless, floor length, and flowy. It wasn't extremely fancy, but she could wear combat boots under it without anyone noticing. The next dress was a dark emerald green. It was a satin, one shoulder dress. It really insinuated her curves, but Tonks felt it was a little short and revealing for children to see. Tonks had an amazing physique under her T-shirts and rock attire, and if she didn't like what she saw, she could just morph an area to correct it. The last dress was a little black number that was pretty much lingerie. It was very short and the satin clinged to every curve her body had to offer. It had thin spaghetti straps and the v went beyond her comfortable neckline and the back was pretty much completely out. She didn't know why a mother would ever buy this for her daughter, but Andromeda was a saucy spirit. She decided on the purple dress for Slughorn's party.
She stayed at her flat for awhile and tidied up a bit. When she left her flat back in August, it was so abrupt that she never got the chance to clean it. As the time neared, Tonks got dressed and even put some makeup on. She didn't know what to do with her hair, and honestly who did she have to impress? She hadn't seen Snape much since the night she saved his life, and he accused her of violating him. Still baffled that he turned her down the other night, she figured that must be the reason why she cared so much about her looks. She remembered Snape confessing to her that lavender was his personal favorite color on her, so she chose lavender. Mainly because she wanted him to regret pushing her away the other night even though she was thankful. She decided on medium length with loose waves and the two purples really complimented each other. After putting on her combat boots, she walked over to the mirror for one last look before she headed out. Taking one look at the mirror, Tonks noticed that she was beginning to look more herself lately. Sure there were many things affecting her mental state, but she was finally feeling a sense of normalcy. She tried her best to keep Remus completely out of her thoughts and more on letting loose at one of the most notorious parties of the year. Tonks walked over to her apparition spot just outside her flat and pop she vanished.
The last place Severus wanted to be tonight was Slughorn's "prized Pupils" party. He attended as a student for many occasions. Lily, Severus, and Remus were the only three Slug Club members in their year. Lily had been his date for two years until he pushed her away. She then went with Remus for one year as friends which didn't really bother Severus considering she had been friends with Remus for a long time. Their last year at Hogwarts will forever haunt him because that was the year that Lily and James became friends. The pain he felt when Lily brought James as her date had yet to fade. That night also marked the official beginning of Lily and James' relationship. It was as though she was Brutus stabbing him in the back with the ultimate betrayal. Snape could only blame himself for pushing her away which paved her way into James' arms.
*Flashback*
He saw Lily walk through the door alone. She was absolutely breathtaking as always. He remembered she wore a green satin dress that was snug in all the right places. Snape of course went alone just hoping that maybe she would too. Once he saw her alone, he felt that this could be his chance to redeem himself and let her know that he finally understood what she meant about who he was hanging out with. Mulciber and Avery were soon becoming Death Eaters and they were trying so hard to convince him to join as well. Snape did not want to because deep down he did not believe in the cause. Especially because the only person he loved was a muggleborn, and there was no way Severus was blood prejudice. He wanted to tell Lily that he did not want to go down that path. He wanted to hurry and get her attention before her friends found her and distracted her. He was sweating, and his heart pounding as if it were about to burst out of his chest. As he took a few steps toward her, James appeared through the door. Snape stopped dumstrucked as James put his arm around Lily's waist and whispered something in her ear that made her smile. A large jolt of pain squeezed around Snape's windpipe and he felt as though his heart flatlined. Snape had to get out of room immediately. He pushed and shoved his way out of the room and headed down the seventh floor corridor. He turned the corner to get out of site and paced back and forth thinking, "I need Lily, I need to see her," over and over. He was too distracted from his panic attack to notice, but a door appeared. Snape had finally calmed down and sat down across from the mysterious entrance with his head buried in his hands. When he finally looked up, he noticed a door that seemed out of place. He heard talking ascending louder toward him, so he decided to enter the peculiar room. The room was rather large and empty except for an ancient, ornate mirror. Snape was fascinated by the mirror because it was rather striking and it interested him. From the doorway he couldn't read the writing due to the thick layer of dust. He walk toward the mirror with cation and curiosity. The thought in his head knew this wasn't just any ordinary mirror, and was even a bit afraid to go near it. He didn't know if it was a time traveling device, or some type of portkey. He was now near enough to read the writing engraved at the top. Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi. Snape knew right away that it wasn't Latin, English, Anglo Saxon, or rune. He never saw such a language and it fascinated him. He was too taken by the language to notice what the mirror was revealing to him. He glanced down and was immediately startled by his reflection. "Lily" Snape spoke surprisingly. And looked behind him because he thought she was there. We he noticed she wasn't there, he turned back around. Lily walked around him and grabbed both of his arms and wrapped them around her body. She smiled at him with admiration, and looked like the luckiest girl in the world to be held by him. She turned her head and kissed his cheek gently. Snape brought his hand to his cheek as if he was trying to hold onto the kiss and never release it. His heart leaped out of his chest and just watched the two of them in their own happy bliss. He thought to himself optimistically, "Maybe this is a premonition. Maybe one day Lily and I will be happy together". Snape had to know what this was mirror was about. He pulled out his Advanced Potion book he kept in his robes and used his wand as a quill. He wrote down the words on the mirror and left to rejoin the party. He kept hope in his heart that maybe it was fate that he found the mirror, so it could give him the confidence he needed to talk to Lily.
Once Severus made it back to the party, he waited patiently for Lily to be alone. It was extremely difficult because she was always surrounded by friends. Finally Lily walked away from James and her friends to obviously go to the restroom. Snape followed her and waited for her to return from the loo. He tried to play it off like he wasn't waiting for someone and caught a glimpse of red in his peripheral vision. She walked right in front of him without noticing him. "You look absolutely stunning tonight." Snape said just loud enough for her to hear.
She turned her head and noticed it was Severus speaking to her. "I didn't know you could say such nice things anymore." Lily responded. Lily couldn't deny that Snape matured well. He was tall, lean, and broad. He cleaned up nice for the party, and seventeen looked good on him.
"If you would be willing to give me just a few minutes of your time, not only would I be forever grateful, but I will surprise you on just how much I've changed." Snape pleaded charismatically.
"Severus… I don't…"
Snape knew where she was going because she would say the same thing every time he would talk to her. "...want to talk to me. I get it." He didn't know if it was the confidence that the mirror had given him, but he wasn't going to back down this time. "But if you knew how much I've changed, I would love to write all the wrongs I have done to you, if you would let me?"
Lily couldn't help but give in to this new confident Snape she was witnessing. When his confidence would show, she couldn't help but admire him. "Are you sure your Slytherin gang would approve of you talking to someone like me?" She said rudely.
"You mean a beautiful, brilliant witch? I'm sure they would be jealous, but their opinions don't matter to me." Snape confessed with a smile.
Lily had a surprised approving nod and she gave in. " Alright, but you have five minutes."
Snape wanted to jump for joy, but he remained calm. Lily and Snape walked out and Snape noticed that James was watching. They made brief eye contact and James seemed worried. Snape gave him an arrogant grin to rile James up. They both walked out into the corridor and Snape took her near the Room of Requirement entrance, but they didn't go in yet. He wanted to get away from everyone in order to be honest with her.
"You look absolutely breathtaking tonight, but you always do."
"Ok, I'm listening." Lily blurted. She was not going to let Snape try to charm her.
"I am so sorry and I know I've said it many times, but I want you to know that every time I see you I feel sick. Sick because I called you that out of anger and no it doesn't excuse it, not at all. Especially because you were there taking up for me."
"Is that all?" Lily asked annoyed.
"I wish I had listened to you sooner when you told me to stop hanging out with Mulciber and Avery."
"What all the sudden changed your mind?"
Snape hesitated and lied. "Too many reasons to count."
"You had enough reasons when I told you stop hanging with them the first, second, and third time. What makes you now change your mind?"
"I can't tell you because it will put us both in danger." Snape looked around the corridor to make sure no one had followed them. "Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"We need a private place to talk about this." Lily rolled her eyes, but closed them. Snape thought about the same thing he did before. I need to see Lily. He thought again and again. When he opened his eyes, the door was there. "You can open them now."
Lily was amazed and impressed with what she saw. "Merlin's Beard, Severus! How did you find the Room of Requirement."
"It presented itself to me at a time of need." Snape informed her. They opened the door and he was Mesmerized by her taken expression of the place. She noticed the mirror, but wasn't interested in it at the moment.
"Continue." She demanded.
"They are Death Eaters. I mean they always said they wanted to be one, but it is official. They won't leave me alone about it. I told them I wasn't interested."
"Well you can't blame them for assuming you were, I mean, you followed them around for years."
"I don't share any of the Dark Lord's views or principals. I am not blood prejudice Lily, nor do I want to complete mass genocide on Muggleborns."
"Then don't join."
"I wish it were that simple."
"What do you mean by that. We always have a choice. You are either with them or against them. There is no in between anymore, Severus. The world is divided, and it's up to you to choose which path you take. I chose mine from the beginning."
"I mean you actually didn't have a choice."
"Oh I get it, because I'm a Mudblood."
"Don't call yourself that! Your blood is perfect."
"Why not? Deep down you know it's true!"
"You are a muggleborn that was put into a house where there isn't shady blood shaming being embedded into your brain. If I had known Slytherin was…" Snape stopped. "We can't change the past Lily. Even if I were in Gryffindor, do you really think Potter would've accepted me?"
"I don't know, but does Potter really matter?"
"I don't know Lily, you tell me."
Lily ignored his command and looked over at the mirror. "What an interesting mirror." Lily walked over to it. Severus admired her beauty as she walked near it. "What do you suppose it does?" She asked him.
"I have no idea, but I'm believe it shows the future."
"The future? Why is that?"
"Because of what I see in it." Snape followed closely behind her and about that time, Lily stopped and froze like a startled doe.
"What is it Lily?" Snape asked excitedly. That was the same look he gave the mirror when he looked in it earlier. "Do you think it shows the future?"
"No, it doesn't show the future."
"How do you know for sure, what do you see?" Snape asked.
"I'd rather not say." Lily responded while walking away from the mirror.
"You are repulsed by me. The thought of you and me together is repulsive to you." Snape stated rudely.
"What are you talking about?"
"In the mirror you saw me with my arms around you and now you are grossed out that it could possibly be your future."
"Actually that was nowhere close to what I saw."
Snape was embarrassed. He went ahead and told her what he saw because he already let the cat out of the bag. "I'm sorry, I thought maybe you saw what I did. I see you in my arms, happily looking at me with affection."
Lily didn't know how to respond.
"I think about you all the time. Your beautiful spirit is permanently embedded in my heart, and it has been for a long time. I know that you've given up on me after I gave you entirely too many reasons to push you away. I remember the night after my most regrettable moment when you told me I was beyond saving and I've chosen my path, but I am standing in front of you now letting you know that I am redeemable. Even though it took me a long time to have the courage to fight the wrong, I have chosen the right side, your side."
Lily had tears building in her eyes. Snape watched her green eyes fill with water, as she blinked, they released down her cheeks. He moved his hand up to wipe them away, but she took a step back out of his reach. She saw the hurt her reaction caused him. He immediately began blaming himself. "I'm not worth your tears, Lily. I don't blame you for hating a stubborn fool like me. I know that I was too much to handle at 15, but I'm older now."
"If only you would of told me that two years ago, but I've grown just as much as you since then." Lily was trying so hard to be strong. "I am so relieved to hear you say this because that is all I ever wanted for you." "I love you, Severus, but not in the way you crave and deserve."
"Will you at least tell me what you see in the mirror?"
"It is during our sorting ceremony when we were eleven. I'm sitting at the Slytherin table with you." I think this mirror shows us something we wish we could change."
"I suppose, but why would you change your house?"
"That was the day you looked at me differently. It is what also broke us apart. Slytherin will never accept a muggleborn into their house, and I how disappointed you were when I got Gryffindor. The sorting hat told me that he couldn't put me in Slytherin even though I asked him to. I long to be accepted and treated as an equal by all wizard kind."
"I never looked at you differently, Lily. Honestly if there was ever a time I looked at you differently, it would be tonight." "Seeing you with Potter … I mean how could you.."
"How could I what?"
"Bring him tonight? After everything he's done to me."
"Let's not forget everything you have done to him too."
"Out of defense and you know that."
Because he has changed. He has grown up and let those things go, unlike you. You hold on grudges until it ruins the best version of yourself. You haven't changed Severus, or Potter wouldn't bother you the way he does."
"I have changed, I just know you can do better and it hurts me to see you friends with him."
"Well you're going to have to get used to it! Speaking of Potter, I need to get back before he comes looking for me." Lily left quickly. And Snape was left heartbroken and self destructive.
