Chapter 17- A Longing Relation

A/N: I hope all is well. This is the chapter I know you all have waited so patiently for. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! favor, follow, and review! Reviews make my freaking day and makes me feel like there is a purpose for writing. Be sure to favor or follow because from here on out, it just gets better and better. This was the chapter that stumped me the longest. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!

They remained at the bar drinking their drinks. Tonks was mostly entertained by watching Rosmerta nervously interact with Snape, which he acted as if there had never been anything romantic between them. Everyone was getting more drunker by the minute, and Tonks felt the liquid courage settling in and said to Snape drunkenly, "I was in the Three Broomsticks the other night, and I heard a rumor."

Snape didn't even acknowledge her words because he was never the one to get in the middle of gossip. Tonks felt as though it was safe to proceed since Snape didn't seem the slightest bit intrigued. "I heard that you and Rosmerta used to hook up occasionally."

Snape continued to drink his mead and stated nonchalantly, "I guess Auror training taught you to believe everything you hear, jumping to conclusions, and meddling in others' business."

"Well they did teach us to look into the information when it comes straight from the source."

Snape sat his drink down and looked at Tonks with dread. He took a deep breath and confessed regrettably, "It was a different time. As hard as it is for you to believe, I am a human with natural tendencies." He turned his face and looked down, but Tonks still noticed the pink in his cheeks form from his embarrassment.

"Ahhh… So Severus Snape isn't a dungeon bat? Now that is a rumor that I shouldve never believed." Tonks joked trying to help with the awkward conversation she started.

"Well think of it this way, Nymphadora. It was the same "natural tendencies" that you displayed on me the other night, except mutual consent was present with Rosmerta and me."

A fire erupted inside of Tonks and the liquor kept her from holding it in. How dare he insunsate that she assaulted him. "Believe what you want Snape, but I do recall mutual consent when your tongue was in my mouth and your hands were on my hips."

Snape was dumbstruck, he couldn't believe she would go that far. Being the bigger person, he decided to hold his tongue and not draw attention to their conversation, so he decided to give her a nonchalant look and turned and walked off to Professor Vector.

Tonks couldn't help but reflect on their conversation that led to the quarrel; however, she wasn't angry, or upset, she actually felt elated. She had always thought Snape was a concrete wall and no one would dare break down his fortress walls, but she felt fortunate to see a different side of him that she knew without a doubt that not many, if any saw.

As Snape was talking to Professor Vector, Tonks felt her chest tighten. Not only did Vector have a familiar look in her eye, they were both laughing as well and that shocked Tonks. Snape laughing this hard was an unusual site. About that time, Snape motioned for McGonagall to come join their conversation, and once she did they all laughed. Tonks was happy to see them have such a great time; however, she was jealous. She couldn't help but think about the nights where Remus, Sirius, and her would drink and laugh all night.

About that time, Vector placed her hand on Snape's shoulder in a flirtatious manner, and he didn't flinch or even notice it was there. In the back of her mind she wondered if Snape fancied Septima Vector. She was an attractive witch, and to be honest, they sort of made a cute couple with their conservative style and their classroom management techniques. To be fair, if Snape hooked up with the barmaid, then it was possible he had hooked up with Vector as well. Tonks had no issues with Vector, apart from the loads of homework she would assign. But these thoughts that Tonks was having only made her more insecure.

As the night went on, Tonks enjoyed bar watching. Flitwick was a complete mess on the dance floor and Trelawney was making everyone uncomfortable disclosing their secrets by reading their auras. Tonks had to maneuver multiple routes to avoid her as well, but then Tonks was caught unexpectedly.

"Why hello Nymphadora, you sure are a hard individual to miss."

"Excuse me?" Nymphadora asked, confused.

"My dear child, your aura is passing and it's screaming to be read." Trelawney confessed crazily, as she grabbed a hold of Tonks' arm.

Tonks always thought of Trelawney as a fraud, and the nerve of someone trying to pry in her business turned her off. Tonks immediately was taken back by Trelawney grip. As an auror, Tonks didn't respond well to being grabbed. "Well I'm sorry to deny your endeavors, but no one will be reading my aura today." Tonks stated matter of factly and turned her back to her to leave.

"It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today." Tonks turned to her and looked at Trelawney like a deer caught in headlights, not knowing how to react. "Strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on, but you keep going anyway. You see it's not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves my dear girl."

A tear dropped from Tonks' eye and she immediately wiped it away. Remaining calm Tonks stated rudely, "Thank you Professor, but I'm not lost. In fact I must go before you make any more inaccurate predictions." Tonks needed an escape and fast when she noticed Snape at the door and decided to head in his direction immediately. By observing Snape's behavior, Tonks concluded that he was observing his colleagues drunken stupor as she was earlier and decided to join him. Snape seemed to be her safe place lately.

Snape noticed Tonks approaching him and Trelawney looking dumbstruck behind her. "Having fun yet?" He asked her. Tonks realized that he was talking about Trelawney. "It's not fun when people pry in her personal matters, is it?"

"Oh shut it!" Tonks joked and elbowed him in the shoulder flirtatiously. "I am having fun seeing you all get trashed! It's cool knowing that while I was studying and learning, you all were getting hammered and having ragers."

"During your Hogwarts years, it was much wilder."Snape informed her.

"I bet you are going to say, "it's because I was such a mess of a student it made you all drink more."

"Don't flatter yourself, Dora. It's because there wasn't the Dark Lord threat. The years have worsened since Harry Potter's arrival. Plus the Ministry is involved more since the Chosen One is here." Snape stated matter of factly.

"I'm sure you miss the quiet years when you didn't have to attend those horrid meetings. Severus, your wounds were insane! I'm so glad I was there to hear the apparition pop in the woods or… " Tonks stopped herself to gain her composure. "You would've died."

Snape knew his life didn't matter to anyone. Only Dumbledore knew of his actual importance in all of this war stuff, and pretty soon, he would have to kill Dumbledore, the only person that truly knows of Snape's allegiance. Snape wanted to change the subject and added, "Well I didn't, it's a good thing we have a great Auror guarding Hogsmeade."

Tonks smiled from ear to ear at Snape's complement. They both stood there in silence taking in the present. After some professor watching, Tonks confessed, "It was nice to see you laugh tonight. I don't believe I've ever seen you laugh like that. I'm so glad I talked you into coming." Tonks joked proudly.

Snape snorted in arrogance, "Like you can persuade me to change my mind." Tonks turned and gave Snape a look of disbelief. "Alright, maybe knowing you'd be here helped some."

"Oh and let's not forget Vector."

"What about Vector?" Snape asked, confused. Tonks didn't realize what she said until it was too late. All the firewhiskey she had drunk had come to haunt her.

"I'm sure her being here helped too?"

Snape looked perplexed "So how long has your fling with her been going on?"

"Fling, What fling?"

"Oh come off it Snape, she is so into you."

"If you must know, she has made it known to me that she is interested, but all it has left was an awkward office friendship."

"I'm sorry, it just seemed like something more than that."

"You should know better than anyone to assume anything." Snape seemed irritated at her, but this time he didn't leave when things got awkward.

"I do."

"Why are you intrigued by my personal life?" Snape asked Tonks in curiosity.

Tonks had to come clean, because it started to seem like she was a jealous school girl. "Honestly, I find you fascinating. You are an extremely complex puzzle and I can't help but want to solve you. Plus I need a distraction from myself"

"So you just force yourself in other people's lives because you want to avoid your own demons? Well it may have escaped your notice, but I'm not a puzzle but a broken man. There is no way to solve or fix me."

Hearing how Snape felt made Tonks feel terrible. Was she just using him for a distraction? She couldn't help but think about how wrong she had sounded.

"It's not like that, I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. The last thing I want is for you to feel that way. Is it so hard for you to believe that I actually enjoy spending time with you?I thought we were starting to become…"

Snape cut in, "Friends?"

"Well...yeah."

Snape observed the room to ensure that no one was paying attention to them, and they weren't. He whispered to Tonks, "Come with me." He walked hurriedly out of the party doors and Tonks followed behind him. Tonks caught on by his demeanor that he was trying to be sneaky. Once they were a couple of hallways down, Snape turned around to face her, while calmly pinching the bridge of his nose and spoke, "Look Nymphadora, I apologize if you got the wrong impression. I didn't mean to lead you on." Snape couldn't help but freak out at the thought that maybe Tonks was developing feelings for him.

"Lead me on? What are you talking about?" Tonks asked, confused.

"Well you keep prying about my romantic interests, the other night in my chambers, that dress for Merlin's sake, and now...Vector. Explain...Now!"

Tonks felt overwhelmed as well as Snape. They needed to clarify some things. If she'd of known this was how he felt, then she would have explained herself sooner. "Before I do, I need you to calm down. I promise I think of you as a friend and work colleague." Snape rolled his eyes in disbelief at Tonks' explanation. She continued, "The other night when you ran out of the Three Broomsticks, Rosmerta was concerned for your well being. I informed her that you were fine and was just angry that for once someone saw you topless. It was a joke, but she pretty much confirmed that she has seen you naked and that you get lonely sometimes and seek her out." The words were just as awkward coming out as the vibe they gave once said.

"Stop, I don't believe I can stand anymore of this nonsense." Snape demanded.

"No, You are going to hear me out." Tonks stood her ground. "I asked you about it because I wanted to ensure she wasn't spreading lies and gossip about you."

"As for the other night in your chambers... " Tonks took a deep breath because not only was this going to get awkward, but he needed to hear the real reason for her actions, she owned him that much. "I was in a desperate state. After the Order meeting, I heard your conversation with Remus. I hid away from him because he placed his hand on my knee during the meeting. I was finally getting myself somewhat together and I coward away in order not to relapse." Snape's expression was blank with a hint of aggravation. "Later that night after patrolling, he was waiting for me at the Three Broomsticks." Tonks began to shudder, trying her best to not cry. Retelling what happened was just as painful as reliving it. She continued with her voice shaking holding back the pain. "He told me he was sorry for touching me, and how he let jealousy get the best of him." Snape gave her a concerned look. "He told me he was jealous of you and I, and that I needed to stay away from you because that's not improving my standards. Which added fuel to my rage because who is he to tell me who I can pursue?" Tonks wiped her eyes which had loose tears escaping. "He told me he loved me and vanished."

"I'm so sorry I drug you into this. I came to you out of revenge and desperation. I just wanted to hurt him." Tonks began to weep, unable to hold it in any longer.

Without hesitation, Snape grabbed her tightly and embraced her. A few minutes had gone by and Snape just held her tight. She finally mustered up the strength from her sobs and pleaded, "I'm so sorry, Severus. I'm so sorry for using you."

Snape pulled away from her enough to brush away the hair out of her face and calmly responded. "You have no reason to be sorry. If anyone should be sorry, it's me."

"Whatever, you've done nothing wrong. You've been so nice to me and I disrespected you." She argued. Snape was being used all the time and that made Tonks feel even worse that she had done the same thing.

They locked eyes and Snape confessed, "I knew there was something troubling you that night and now I see things much more clearly. I'm glad I made the right decision for both of us that night despite temptation fighting me at every turn; however, I did not make you feel wanted when you were at your most vulnerable, and for that I am truly sorry."

"But at the end of the day, I'm still not wanted."

"Silly girl, you have not changed a bit since your student years. Nymphadora, still ignoring the most vital information. Stop being daft. Lupin confessed that he was jealous of us. Which means he can't stand the sight of you being with someone else, especially me with the history we have. Lupin has always been an arrogant fool, I'm sure he will eventually come around."

"I don't know if I even want him anymore. Do I really want to be with somebody who has hurt me this badly?"

Snape thought it best to leave that question rhetorical for he believed that it wasn't his place to tell her. He decided to respond to her on what she needed to figure out. "I'm not the one to answer that; however, you are the one who has to figure that out for yourself. We are nothing more than self destructive humans that are the cause of our suffering."

About that time, Snape heard a noise down the corridor. He immediately let go of Tonks skittishly, like he didn't want anyone to catch their embrace. "I'll be right back, the last thing we need is an eavesdropping student or two listening in on Slughorn's out of control rager."

"Would you like me to come with you?" Tonks asked nicely.

"I do not need your assistance doing what I do best. Don't wonder, I'll be right back." Snape turned and headed toward the source of the noise with his cloak billowing dramatically behind him with every step.

As Tonks awaited Snape's return, she couldn't help but think of what he said over and over. "I need to figure out what I want." she said while pacing back and forth. Out of nowhere a giant door appeared across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. She had no idea why the Room of Requirement revealed itself to her, but being the troublemaker she was, she had to go in. After all, she had heard many stories of this room and had no idea it was truly real...even now she was in complete shock. Tonks approached the door, turned the knob and walked in.

Meanwhile Snape opened an abandoned closet down the hall and found two Gryffindors in there wrapped together like a pretzel. "50 points from Gryffindor each and a week's detention with me at 7pm once term resumes. Is that clear? The two Gryffindor students nodded in embarrassment, and walked back to their dormitory.

Snape walked back to where he left Tonks when he noticed she was gone. He looked around and noticed exactly where they were conversing. They were in front of the entrance of the Room of Requirement. "She couldn't be in there, could she?" he thought to himself. A chill ran up his spine when he decided to check. Snape closed his eyes and thought of the most self destructing thought he could ever think of. He never thought he would do this again especially after he promised Dumbledore that he would stop returning to the mirror night after night after Lily's death, "I need to see Lily." And just like many years ago, the door appeared.

As Tonks walked into the mysterious room, her nerves were heightened. She was immediately greeted by a huge ornate mirror with a different language engraved across the top. She walked over to examine it closer and jumped in fear at what she saw. It was appearing clearer the closer she got. She saw Remus. "Remus" she said while tuning around to see if he was really there. He of course wasn't. She stared at her reflection with desire as Remus' hands were curled around her waist with a look of complete ease. She had never seen Remus this peaceful. He had always seemed to worry and stress over everything quietly to himself. The mirror showed that he was no longer carrying the weight of the world upon his shoulders. It gave him a youthful appearance. The scars from his condition were still there, but his confidence showed through. Seeing both of them so happy made Tonks realize the truth, that they were never that happy, and that hit Tonks hard. Maybe they did have more issues than she thought they had. Maybe Remus was never happy and that she was just blinded by her feelings. She yearned for this happiness and wondered if this was a premonition or some sick trick? But whichever it was caused tears to stream down her face at the sight before her.

"You shouldn't have found this." Snape said from behind her, startling her. His voice helped snap her out of her mesmerized state. "This is the last thing you need to see right now."

Tonks confessed drying the tears from her eyes, "I see Remus and me. We are happy and stress free."

Snape didn't say anything. Her demeanor was enough to convince him to remain silent. He walked up next to her splitting the mirror, and now they were both staring at their desperate desires.

"Look at how happy we are! Look at how great Remus looks without his pain and worry." Tonks noticed that Snape was frozen. "Have you ever seen Remus this alive?"

Snape knew it was time to break the news and knew that it would shatter her heart even more. "Nymphadora, I don't see what you're seeing."

"But you're standing right next to me." Tonks was confused and placed her hands on Snape's shoulders to move him, "I don't understand. Maybe if you scoot over you…"

Snape cut her off as he removed her hands from his shoulders gently. "I can't see your desires, only mine. What did you tell the Room you needed?" Snape asked.

"I need to know what I want?"

"Precisely, the room brought forth the Mirror of Erised to reveal your biggest desire. What your heart craves most." Snape answered.

Tonks was defeated, "I guess deep down I knew what I wanted all along."

"Always," said Snape. "Your heart always knows; however, Your heart doesn't always know what's best for you or else we would never feel pain."

"I'm such an idiot!" Tonks yelled angrily.

"How so?" Snape questioned.

"I'm an idiot to think that this mirror would show me the future. An idiot to believe a man would love me back! An idiot because I believed him when he told me he loved me! I'm just a fucking stupid IDIOT!" Tonks dropped to the ground and tears began to flow uncontrollably.

Snape kneeled down next to her. "I discovered this mirror during my student years. I was 17 at the time. The crazy part is, I still see the same desire." Tonks' tears began to slow a little. "Lupin is a broken man that has suffered a great deal during his life, along with the rest of us from the first war. We grew up entirely too fast and once it was over, we never really bounced back from it. We were young, and we lost a fair amount of people. Is it an excuse? No, but it might answer some questions as to why he is pushing you away. He lost his best friends due to this war, I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you, too."

"But he has chosen to lose me?" Tonks didn't understand.

Snape explained. "On his own terms, not death."

"What's the difference?"

"It pain is a lot less crippling." Snape stated as he looked into the mirror again. Snape's face rarely showed expressions, but agony was evident when he looked in the mirror.

She mustered up the strength to ask him a question. "Severus, what do you see in the mirror?"

"It's best if I do not say, for this mirror is my self destruction."

Tonks knew exactly what he saw. "It's her, isn't it? I saw the way it petrified you when you were standing next to me."

Snape's face was a doe in headlights when he looked into the mirror. It was the same look she got when she looked in it.

"Yes, we happen to have the same desire. When she was murdered, I wasted a lot of drunken nights in front of this mirror. This was the only way I could see and embrace her." Snape confessed.

"As do I." Tonks agreed.

"It's different. At least Lupin is still alive."

"Actually it's not. I can't force him to be with me just as much as you can't bring her back from the dead."

It's different because you can still run into him and talk to him. Such as the other night during the Order meeting, you got to see if didn't you? To know for that moment he is safe?"

Tonks nodded.

"That night you made my heart stop." Tonks was taken back by Snape's words. "You had the perfect shade of red hair and it took my breath away. It brought me back to a time when I could see her smiling, full of life spirit. When she died it was as if all the happiness was stripped from the world, and not just from me, but from everyone she knew."

Tonks knew exactly that feeling. Sirius' death felt that way to her, and she couldn't imagine if Remus had died too.

"I understand. I couldn't imagine if I lost Remus, but it still hurts because he doesn't want me, or anything to do with me. I crave the feeling I get when his arms are wrapped around me. The other day when he touched my knee during the meeting, it unraveled me. I never thought a person could have such control over me. I was finally getting somewhere and as soon as he came back into my life, he…" Tonks got choked up and couldn't find the strength to finish. Snape stood up with his eyes still transfixed on the mirror.

"I know how you feel, you are not alone. Lily didn't want me. She completely wrote me out of her life. It was completely my fault. If I could do it over, I would. What I would give to tell her how sorry I am. How she was right to hate me. To tell her how great her son is, and that every time I look into his eyes I see her. Tell her that I am haunted everyday by my regrets and hatred I have for myself and what I did to her."

Tonks didn't know what to do. She desperately wanted to hug him, but she kept her distance. She decided to confess, "What I would give for Remus to see why I love him, and see himself through my eyes," Tonks had a self destructive idea. Both Snape and her were desperate for anything at this point. Tonks stood up to face him. "What if we can?" Snape gave Tonks a demented glance, yet he was intrigued. Tonks thought to herself, "if Snape doesn't want me because i'm not Lily, then I can be her." Tonks was the only one who could do it seeing as though she was a metamorphmagus.

Snape's eyes widened when Tonks 'hair turned that perfect shade of Lily red. Snape raised his hand and lightly touched Tonks' hair.

"What are you doing?" he questioned.

She leaned in with their lips almost touching his and whispered, "Tell me what she looks like."

Snape closed his eyes tightly while biting his bottom lip. He was trying to restrain himself and not give in to the temptation, Tonks had found his weak spot, and he could tell that she knew. "Please let me do this for you, for both of us. I've done this before."

Not many things scared Snape, but Tonks knowing what did, frightened him. "This is not right Nymphadora." Snape whispered under his breath.

"Since when has Severus Snape cared about what's right or wrong?" You clearly need closure, and I need a distraction." Tonks shuddered nervously being so close to him. "Tell me what she looks like. I know you can describe every detail of her appearance." Snape closed his eyes and took a deep breath to self regulate. Tonks boldly but lightly placed her lips upon his. Once their lips parted, their eyes met. Tonks thought Snape was going to give in to her.

"No." Snape stated nonchalantly. Before Tonks knew it, Snape turned around and walked out. Tonks was hurt because she was vulnerable and again was rejected and abandoned.