A/N: HERE IT IS! I'm still going with this story. I haven't given up. It is all mapped out, I just need the time to finish it! This is my favorite chapter so far! Warning: Rated M Finally! Enjoy! please favor, follow, and review! It keeps me going!

Chapter 19- Filling the Void

Hearing the footsteps coming up the stairs, Tonks immediately changed her appearance back to normal. Deciding to leave the room in a hurry, the door opened and Mad-Eye Moody walked in

"I figured you would be up here." He said bluntly. Tonks and Mad-Eye had a special relationship that not many people got to experience with him. He had a nice side. Remus was always quiet and reserved and She opened up a new side of him. Snape had opened up to her, and he was also guarded and people deemed him heatless. Tonks couldn't help but wonder if she had the ability to make people who were guarded bring their walls down.

"I came to say goodbye. I just miss him so much." Tonks confessed.

Moody figured it was the best time for his lecture that was long overdue, "Losing loved ones as a result of war is dense. It is something us aurors must learn quickly for the job we signed up for. I know you are young and still adjusting, but it's our job to not let their deaths be in vain. We have to stay sharp and focused for them."

"You're right." She agreed as a tear escaped.

Mad-Eye noticed her sadness and asked something that had been on his mind lately, "I have to ask. Are you alright?"

"I am, what makes you ask that?"

"Don't bullshit me, Nymphadora. People talk and you know I have eyes everywhere. Including a rendezvous that no one else knows is happening." Mad-Eye responded gruffly.

Tonks responded, "Gross, Mad-Eye! Get a hobby. And for those people talking, please notify them that I am doing just fine."

Mad-Eye confessed with concern, "You know you are like a daughter to me. I selected you to be the only auror I trained. I would just hate to see you get hurt due to distractions."

"Look, I will admit that I have been going through some things, but I'm focused and I'm getting my life back on track."

"So what happened in Hogsmeade couldn't have been avoided or stopped?" Mad-Eye wasted no time to get straight to the point. "You honestly believe that there was nothing more you could've done to save that girl?"

Tonks knew she was completely unprofessional and definitely could've been more focused, but she couldn't tell him that. Mad-Eye has always been thorough and did over one hundred and ten percent of his job, and he had trained her to be just as thorough. He got the nickname Mad-Eye for multiple reasons, and the main one being that he let his job drive him insane. When there was nothing else he could've done better in a situation, that wasn't enough for him. He always took every death, victim, and situation personally. He would map out every possible scenario until it drove him mentally insane.

Tonks knew this conversation was long overdue, "I can't think that way Mad-Eye, it will drive me crazy."

"We are in the middle of a war, Nymphadora. We are bound to lose many loved ones." he paused, and took a deep breath before continuing. He knew that he was starting to lose his temper. "I know Sirius's death has taken its toll on you and don't even get me started on Remus." Tonks knew from past experiences that it was better for her to keep quiet. "You are too smart to be getting involved in a relationship during this time. Did I not teach you anything? It clouds judgment and makes you vulnerable."

"I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did, and I never thought it would lead to what it did." Tonks confessed.

"I blame Remus most of all, for he should've known better than to start a fling after living through the sacrifices of the first war. Well… that and getting involved with a person 13 years younger than him."

Tonks got loud, and stated sternly, "It is both our fault and we are equally to blame."

"I'm glad you'll take responsibility for that, but not for drinking in the Three Broomsticks the day the girl was attacked."

Tonks wanted to lash out at him just as hard as he was on her, but she knew arguing with him was like trying to reason with a brick wall, so she remained silent."Nymphadora, just do whatever means necessary to rid his control over you." She was absolutely speechless at his cold heartedness. She couldn't take it anymore, and walked out without another word. She calmly walked down the stairs, said her quick goodbyes, grabbed her cloak and went off into the night.

The night was freezing with an eerie vibe. The snow was quietly patting on the ground and Tonks was relieved she could go home to her apartment instead of the inn at the Three Broomsticks. She needed the familiarity and the comfort of her own space. She decided to walk home like she used to from Grimmauld Place even though the wind was treacherous. Tonks didn't mind the cold because she was numb. That feeling that she wasn't necessarily sad, but just felt really empty. Her mind was elsewhere and Mad Eye's words were swirling around on repeat haunting her. "Just do whatever means necessary to his control over you." Finally making it back to her flat, she pointed her wand to the fireplace "incendio" she thought as fire ignited from her wand. As she sat on the couch by the fireplace, she saw Remus' cardigan sitting on top of her suitcase. She grabbed it, smelled it, and was about to put it on when she noticed a grayish brown hair attached to it. Seeing Remus' hair gave Tonks an idea, but she knew it was going to be completely reckless. Jumping to her feet, Tonks grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and knew exactly where it needed to take her.

When Tonks walked up the stairs at Grimmauld Place, Snape decided it was time for him to leave. He felt that he had overstayed his welcome and went back to his private quarters at Hogwarts. He had not a clue what the rest of the evening had in store for him. Snape was sitting in his favorite chair when he heard a quiet knock on the door. Snape was befuddled as to who could possibly be knocking upon his chamber door at this time of night. Annoyed yet curious, Snape opened the door and was greeted by Tonks.

Tonks was still wearing her party attire as was Snape, seeing as not much time had passed since either of them left the party. Who would've thought that her spontaneous and self destructive mind would lead her body to her former professor's door. Clearly having one thing on her mind that being to fill the empty void within her that was tearing her apart. She knew that it had to be done. Not just for her, but Snape as well in order to move on and rid the cancer consuming them from the inside out.

Snape greeted her annoyed, "It's late Nymphadora. Go home." His tone sounded as though he didn't have the slighted strength for confrontation.

"I need your help and you are the only one that can." Tonks pleaded. Her hand was on the door so he would hear her out and not shut the door in her face.

Snape gave her a look of disbelief and gave up. Stepping to the side, Snape allowed Tonks to enter his private chambers. Knowing that the following conversation was going to take every ounce of energy he had left, he walked over to his decanter. While pouring two glasses of Firewhiskey, Snape questioned, "Please enlighten me on why on Merlin's green earth that you are here right now? How can I possibly assist anyone at this time of night?

"I need you to help me fill this emptiness inside me!" Tonks confessed.

Snape was irritated because he hated to repeat himself. "And I have already informed you that there is simply nothing I can do."

"Right, simply. I am up for any means or ideas that would make me forget this feeling, this hunger, him!"

"I will not erase your memory, Nymphadora."

"That sounds simple enough." she joked. The look on his face proved that he did not take the joke lightly. "I don't want to forget him, Severus, I want closure," Snape was taken back by her response. "I need closure," she cried.

"You know I would help you if I could, but I haven't the faintest idea how I could assist you with your request. Unless you wish I snatch him up and force him to listen to you, other than that I cannot help you."

He walked to the door and was in the process of trying to insinuate for her to leave when Tonks muttered, "What if there is a different way? What if there was a way we could both get the closure we deserve?"

Snape remembered her idea from the other night and didn't want to give her the impression that he would give it a second thought, for Snape often replayed that night in his mind. What usually kept him pondering this memory was the many "what if's" and possible outcomes that haunted him. "Goodnight, Nymphadora." Snape ignored her while reaching for the door knob.

Tonks placed her hand on top of his in objection and begged, "Please Severus, allow me to do this for us!"

Snape barked, "Do what?"

Tonks held up a strand of Remus' hair and said, "I believe you already know."

He was obviously using anger to cover up his vulnerability when he continued, "You want us to pretend to be someone we are not! How is this going to help us get the closure we need? This is reckless Nymphadora, and wrong. You are above this."

"I love how you think I'm above this careless behavior, like you know me. This won't be the first time I've done something like this, or have you forgotten? But what puzzles me the most is that you didn't say you were above this. Why is that?"

"Because I'm not; however, I do happen to know that fucking someone isn't an antidote to heartache. It doesn't fix the fact that we still love them," Snape confessed.

"Do you honestly believe that after everything they've done to us, we are in love, or are we in pain?" Snape was speechless. He never thought about it in that way before. Maybe at this point they were just in pain. "Look Severus, I don't see how it could cause any more damage. I feel like a tightrope walker, and can't find my way down. A car on an interstate shaped like a figure eight. I just want to feel passion, excitement, and above all, feel loved after many months of pain, abandonment, and grief."

"Regardless, we would be doing this primarily for you. Lily is a coffin of a girl I knew and I'm buried in her. I'm damaged beyond repair."

"Then what do we have to lose?" Tonks added.

"You are asking a lot of me." Snape was so sick of people asking things of him, but at least Tonks was trying to give him something in return.

Tonks' heart jumped with excitement because she could sense the defeat in his tone. "I know. Trust me. Go get the polyjuice potion and you will soon see we are partners in this." Tonks held Remus' hair up for Snape.

They didn't need a handshake. Once Snape grabbed the strand of hair, it was the consent of what was about to transpire. Snape rolled his eyes, turned around, and headed to his potion cabinet. He knew he had bottles of Polyjuice potion brewed, he never would've dreamt in a million years that he would abuse this potion for an occasion such as this. Uncorking the bottle Snape was greeted with the vile aroma of the potion as he dropped the stand of hair into its contents. He turned around to see if he would get a last minute objection from Tonks. Except it wasn't Tonks in the sitting room of his chamber, it was Lily. Her back was turned, but he knew that red hair, for he often watched Lily from afar. Snape would've dropped the bottle had he not froze. It was like he was frightened of what he saw. Standing in front of him was the ghost of Lily Evans haunting him all over again. Every insecure emotion flooded back to the surface, and every unsaid word he yearned to confess to her stuck in his throat. Severus Snape was speechless. He walked slowly to her and was careful with every step as if she would fade away at any moment. Gathering all the courage he had, he lifted his hand and lightly touched hers. At his touch, Tonks turned around revealing her appearance at last. Tears swelled in his eyes as he began to stutter, "H…How did you?" Tonks placed her finger over his lips to quiet him. The last thing she wanted was for her voice to ruin the moment.

Snape was beyond thankful for what was going on between them that he hurriedly threw back the foul tasting potion, but before the polyjuice could change him, Snape grabbed Tonks with such passion and lust that it aroused her more than ever. She knew that was exactly what she was needing and missing all this time. Tonks was excited because this was unknown territory. Yes she had done this sort of thing before,but it was always her changing herself to make others happy, but never had someone changed for her. Snape held onto the back of her neck forcing her to look directly into his black eyes. Tonks' eyes were identical to Lily's. Snape couldn't find one flaw in her attempted appearance. Still staring deeply into her eyes, Tonks could see him struggle to proceed or pull away. About that time, Snape's eyes transformed from black to blue, his hair from jet black to grayish-brown, and his pale skin to a more neutral tone. Snape could see Tonks' expression from understanding to admiration. That look was all it took. Seeing Lily face looking at him with desperation was the icing on the cake to make the decision unanimous.

He pulled her face to him forcefully pressing her lips to his. Their movements and techniques matched beautifully. This was what they both have been yearning for. The feeling of being wanted, loved, desired, and excited. Snape kissed her passionately; it was as though she could feel the longing that he would never let go. That was a new feeling that she had yet to experience and she cherished it. Snape felt the same passion from Tonks. He had never felt those feelings reciprocated with any other sexual partners. He would just need to release built up aggression and frustration with others and that was his only purpose and agenda when seeking a shag.

They used their newfound eagerness as fuel and deepened their kiss if that was even possible, which it was. Snape swathed his hand around her hair and pulled her head back roughly to separate their lips. He trailed his kisses down her jaw and to her neck.

The smell of their hair, the taste of their mouths, the feeling of their skin seemed to have got inside of them, or in the air around them. They both became a physical necessity to each other. And that was enough. Both of them were in another state of mind, body, and soul and were so engulfed in one another that they were acting on impulse alone. They were both being led by their heart and instincts. Snape's velvet lips were softly kissing her back up to her lips when he quickly apparated them to the foot of his bed. It nearly killed him to pull away from their embrace. He looked deep into her green eyes. Lately everytime he looked in those eyes it was her son's, James reincarnated and it crippled him with anger and agony, but now seeing them, he just wanted to prove to her he was worth saving and that he was enough. To let her know how much he has sacrificed for her. He brought his hand to her collarbone and lightly traced his fingers to her dress straps, sliding them down sensually and watching her goosebumps appear right before his eyes. Tonks was enjoying watching Snape as Remus treated her body with such care. It was as if he was apologizing with every touch. Once the straps of the dress were down, Snape was kissing her exposed skin as he ran his fingers down her back unzipping her dress and unclasping her lace bralette. At that point the dress slid down and exposed her breathtaking physique. Tonks was shocked at how intense and sexy Snape was. Lupin was skilled and seductive; however, Snape might have looked like Remus, but it was obvious that it wasn't. She was experiencing things she had never felt before. At that moment, she could care less who was in front of her because she was more aroused than ever before. She was glad she was in someone else's skin, for she didn't know if she had the confidence to stand naked as herself in front of him. Snape was admiring her beauty trying to take in every moment. Tracing his fingers lightly over her silky skin. Tonks took a deep breath and began unbuttoning the many buttons that Snape was trapped in. It was weird seeing Remus in Snape's clothes, but everytime she unbuttoned a button, Remus showed through. The deep scars on his chest, the medium skin tone, the slight hair on his torso. She felt as if she was home. Once she saw his beautifully imperfect chest, it brought her back to her comfort place and she lost control. She brought her mouth to his chest and kissed down his body until every button was opened. She pulled the cloak off his shoulders and rubbed her hand over his scarred body. She tried to grab his neck and pull him down to the bed with her, but Snape stopped her. He unfastened his belt and pulled it out of his belt loops in one swift sat on the edge of the bed and brought her hands to unbutton his pants. Once unbuttoned, Snape pulled his pants off leaving his boxers on. He climbed on top of her and placed his lips to hers. Their tongues intertwined and Tonks let out a quiet moan. Snape loved the sound of Lily moaning underneath him, so he wanted to hear more. He trailed his lips down her neck and to each breast. One hand massaged one as his mouth the other. After he switched, he continued to trail down her stomach, inner thigh, and he then grabbed the top of her panties and pulled them off. As his hands moved back up her legs, he opened them gently exposing her. He couldn't help but admire her glistening center that was begging to be touched. He couldn't help himself; he had to taste her. He brought his mouth to her center and lightly licked it. It excited him when she flinched and moaned under his tongue's motions. Tonks was completely blown away. She couldn't believe how amazing he felt, and that Snape was even doing this to her. Remus had been with her for months and had yet to taste her. She was losing all control of her body and couldn't help but make all kinds of sounds. Seeing Remus' grayish brown hair between her thighs was intoxicating. As Snape's mouth tended to her every need to perfection, Tonks lost more control.

Watching Lily wiggle and moan under his tender care was the most erotic experience he had ever encountered. He had dreamt and imagined this moment so many times, but this was beyond mind blowing. Snape had always made potions with smooth form that now carried over to sexual skills. Eveytime Tonks moaned or her reflexes would jump from pleasure, Snape deepend his pressure and technique, learning her body by responding to its natural reactions. Snape was a master at reading body language, so he knew that when Tonks would arch her back and scream, she was enjoying every flick of his tongue on her button. He couldn't help himself and wanted to feel how tight she was and dipped two fingers inside her throbbing heat. He hooked them and massaged her trigger with care. His fingers were glazed over from her arousal. As Tonks' heat latched onto his fingers and began to pulse tightly around them, he knew she was right where he wanted her. Tonks screamed out in pleasure, "FUCK ME!" Snape stopped before she climaxed. He wanted her to be right at the edge before he made love to her. He knew it had been too long and was beyond aroused. He was going to last long at all. Snape's length was dripping wet just imagining her throbbing swollen heat around him. He slithered his way quickly to her and rammed all that he had to offer inside of her prepped center. Tonks was beyond ready for his length. He felt so natural inside of her. She was used to Remus' length already, but the techniques and the way he touched her was foreign. She had made love with Remus too many times to count, yet something was more exciting than before. Snape had a ruffness, but yet lustful precision. Not that Tonks was complaining, for Snape was absolutely incredible. He took full control and knew exactly what to do and when. She couldn't help but lose control of her body. She felt that she needed to hold on tight to him because his thrusts were so powerful.

About that time, Snape grabbed her from underneath her knees in order to give her the perfect angle and continued pounding into her. He was getting close and wanted to ensure she was too. Once Snape lifted her legs, Tonks' body was on fire. He was hitting her spot, and she could feel her insides trying to break free and dug her nails into his back. Pleasure and pain had a fine line with Severus. Her nails digging into his back sent nothing but fuel to his already ignited fire down his spine. The tightening of Tonk's aching walls latched onto him so snuggly that it began to work his arousal out of his girth. Tonk's was writhing uncontrollably and all the sudden she yelled, "Severus!"

The name, his name, not Lupin's, escaped her mouth as she climaxed. Snape couldn't hold on any longer and spilled inside her.

Snape collapsed on top of her still inside feeling her pulsating walls around him. He couldn't help but kiss her deeply and roam his hands all over her body. He rolled over next to her and held her so tightly it was if he was scared she would leave. They were both exhausted and felt wanted. Snape started to tear up and whispered in her ear repeatedly, "I love you." and "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault." It was heartbreaking to see Severus so vulnerable. It was as if Lupin was apologizing to her. She needed to hear an apology from Lupin and Snape needed to give his to Lily This was the closure they both desired and required to move on.

Tonks replied to Snape, "I love and forgive you." The amount of passion that transpired during their pleasure was astronomical. She turned to look at him, and Snape was fast asleep. The Polyjuice potion had worn off and she had never seen him so peaceful. Tonks wanted to stay and be in his arms all night, but she knew it would be best to just leave. She stealthily moved his arm, slid on her dress, grabbed her shoes and undergarments, and was about to head out the door when she decided to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Tonks then disappeared into the night and headed straight home in good spirits.

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