HARRY POTTER AND THE ATTACK OF THE FAN GIRLS
I don't own anything. Kapeesh?
It's a clear, peaceful night at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, that marks the start of a fresh new academic year. The sorting has taken place and Dumbledore is just about to make his speech. Little do the students know what the bad news he is going to bring will mean for them THIS year...
DUMBLEDORE: (Nervous cough) Welcome to, and back, to Hogwarts. I'm afraid I have to bring you some rather... interesting news.
(The room is overcome with an eerie silence.)
The school has run out of funding. Our secret bank supply was stolen last night, and unfortunately it cannot be recovered. We decided the school had no choice but to close down.
(Shocked gasps)
But then we found an alternative. The kind fangirls at the HP Fanclub have kindly agreed to fund the running of the school-
(Whoops, cheers, screams and general merriment ensue.Dumbledor yells to get the attention of the hall back)
ON THE CONDITION THAT THEY CAN MAKE SOME CHANGES IN THE SCHOOL!
(Silence once again. The students look around at each other uneasily.)
(Enter three gawky looking fangirls with Potter-esque glasses on and bodies decked from head to toe in Hogwarts merchandise, rather like a Christmass Tree. INCLUDING a Christmas Tree, actually.)
Fangirl 1: That's right. WE'RE in charge now, and after a lengthy discussion with the rest of the fangirls a decision has been made to make some changes around here.
Fangirl 2: (Brings out a scroll, and unfurls it. The shocked hall realize it is over two metres in length) FIRSTLY! Potter. You are engaged to Ron...
(Harry stands up with a look of utter disgust on his face. He opens his mouth to complain, but decides against it. Strangely enough, Ron doesn't look all that bothered.)
Fangirl 3: ... And carrying Malfoy's baby.
(Ron chokes on his pumpkin juice and jumps up next to Harry, looking outraged)
Ron: You can't be serious! Harry would never cheat on me!
(Everyone including Harry turns around and raises an eyebrow at Ron)
Ron: And, and, erm, he hates Malfoy! Malfoy hates him!Also, how can he be pregnant? It's scientifically impossible!
Fangirl 1: Listen, PAL, don't bother us with trivial matters of scientific impossibility. If we want it to happen, it's happening, comprende?
(Harry and Ron sit down, disgruntled. Anyone who had cared to look out of the window would have seen Malfoy half a mile away, running as fast as he possibily can, planning to go into hiding. What he doesn't know is that they have half the fan club controlling the perimeter of the grounds. He'll be back by lights out)
Fangirl 2: (Clears throat) Professor Severus Snape will be having illicit student-teacher affairs with no less than 32 students of various ages and houses. A list of said students will be posted in each common room by tomorrow morning.
(By this point Snape is green and close to throwing up, so to avoid making extra work for the house elves he begins making his way out of the hall toward the staff bathrooms.)
Fangirl 3: Hermione Granger is definitely on the list. No exceptions.
(Too late)
Fangirl 1: Granger is also going out with Malfoy.
(Hermione looks confused, annoyed and disgusted all at once)
Hermione: Right, so, to clarify... I am having an illicit teacher-student affair with Snape, whilst at the same time going out with Malfoy who is the father of Harry's baby which was produced at some point during the time they were cheating on Ron, who Harry is engaged to?
Fangirl 3: That's about the size of it, yeah.
(The other fangirls cough and brandish a point on the scroll)
Fangirl 3: Oh yeah, I forgot. On top of the rest of the stuff you are also secretly married to Dobby the house-elf after a shotgun wedding in Vegas. Kapeesh?
Hermione: Ka-bloody-put...
Fangirl 2: The full list of changes will be sent to you all at breakfast tomorrow morning. Oh, and anybody not following these changes will be kicked out of school and forced to do meet-and-greets with screaming 5 year olds wearing hats and capes all over the UK. Then the world.
(Everyone files out of the hall feeling shocked, violated, and in some cases amused/excited. But we won't go into that)
