Chapter 33 - Unloved
It took Clark a few days to locate the darkness, even with the lead he'd been given.
His initial suspicion was that Lex's dark side had somehow been working with Shannon Bell, but things got a little more complicated when he realized she hated him and was really just trying to set him up. The good side had just been caught in the crossfire.
Even after Clark had figured out exactly where the darkness was holed up—in Metropolis, of course, but hiding out in a residential district where no one would think to look—Clark didn't make contact right away. He didn't immediately give his brother the location, but he also didn't take any actions until he could talk to his family. After everything they had been through, he had learned better than that.
Clark wasn't sure they would love his plan. Even if they didn't like it, he was still going to go through with it, unless they gave him a very good reason not to—his own safety wasn't enough, in his eyes. But he would be honest every step of the way.
It was an evening in mid-September when he brought up the issue to his family. It has been a few weeks since Lex had woken up from his coma, and he seemed pretty stable at this point. He seemed weaker than Clark remembered, but Clark suspected that had more to do with stress than anything.
Clark had recently finished being grounded from what he had done with the black kryptonite. School, farm errands, and any investigations into the darkness's whereabouts were excepted from his grounding. While Clark hated being grounded, those things kept him busy enough that he probably wouldn't have had much time to do a whole lot else, anyway.
Dinner times at the Kent house felt pretty normal to Clark these days, though he suspected his mom didn't quite feel the same way. She had suffered a lot over the past couple of years, in ways he couldn't imagine or help her with. The best he could do was to make sure to be present during family time. Sometimes, with the way she hugged him and looked at him, Clark wondered if his mom still thought she was going to wake up from a dream, and Lex would be back on that island and Clark back in Metropolis, or Lex in Metropolis and Clark being experimented on by Lionel, or Lex having been taken over by the dark side again. Clark felt that fear, but not nearly as much as she seemed to.
Hopefully, what he had to say would ease at least some of their fears. He waited until Lex had finished talking about his day at the plant, and his dad had talked a little about the farm, and his mom about a couple of her projects. Everyone was mostly finished eating when Clark cleared his throat.
"I need to talk to you guys," he said.
All eyes turned to him, and he took a deep breath.
"I've located the darkness."
"Where is he?" Lex asked immediately.
"I don't want to tell you."
Lex breathed in to talk, but Clark spoke first.
"You're going to kill him. I understand why you want to, and if I was in your shoes I would want the same thing, but—"
"What, do you want to save him?"
"That's not what I'm saying, Lex."
"Do I need to go over this again? He will kill you."
"He hasn't tried yet. I know what he's done, but if there's any chance I might kill you by killing him—"
"It would be well worth it."
"Alexander!" their mom cried.
"I'm sorry, Mom, but it's not worth risking all of your lives for mine. And there's no evidence to suggest that hurting him would have any effect on me."
"Still. It's not worth taking the chance," Clark said. "If we could imprison him—"
"Help me out, Mom." Lex shook his head. "He's been taunting me my entire life. I need to be rid of him, you have to understand that."
Their mom raised her eyebrows. "Even if it wouldn't have any effect on you, I don't know how I feel about killing him. We're no closer to figuring out what the darkness is."
Lex's voice caught in his throat. "I can try to explain it again—"
"I know you can. That's not what I'm talking about."
Clark frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"We don't know what he wants," she said. "He hasn't come to attack us."
"Are you suggesting he isn't pure evil?" Lex asked.
She gave him a sad smile. "Are you perfectly good? In this state?"
Lex looked down at his plate. "Ah…"
"A few weeks ago, you were talking back to your father like you had no respect for him."
Lex's face turned pink. "I've apologized for that."
"And I'm sorry for bringing it up again. But if you're not all good...maybe he's not all evil."
This wasn't the direction Clark had meant to go. "I'm just trying to make sure this Lex is safe..."
But the can of worms had been opened, and Lex kept going. "Mom. If you could hear the things he says in my mind…"
"What does he say?" Their mom leaned in a little closer.
Lex scoffed. "A lot of things I can't repeat."
"Does he... tell you to do evil things?"
"We've talked about this before. It's more his reasoning. He never considers anyone else." Lex shifted in his seat, and it was quiet for a moment. "It wasn't always this way. He's always been a part of me, but this split between us, it's grown more dichotomous since I started spending time with this family."
"You mean you've heard his voice more?" Clark asked. He didn't like the sound of that—he's always thought his family was helping Lex with the darkness, not making it worse.
"I guess so. When I was younger, he seemed to be more like... a side of me. I always assumed I was becoming him." He smirked. "Sometimes I thought it was my father's influence, but I'm no longer sure it's that simple."
"What reasons does he ask you to do things?" Mom asked.
Lex's eyebrows drew together. "He has no moral qualms. If he wants something, he'll go after it."
"What does he want?"
"Power. Control. Money. To leave a legacy."
Something about that sounded weird to Clark. It wasn't quite... evil enough, given everything Lex had said. "Don't you want those things, too?"
"There are things I want more, values I won't compromise."
"Lex," Mom said, "if you didn't believe you were capable of love, or of being loved, who would you be?"
"Maybe I would do the same things he does. But that's why he needs to be killed."
Their mom shook her head. "Sweetheart, I know this is hard to talk about, but… can you tell us what he says to you? Specifically?"
"Honestly, he used to spend a lot of time trying to convince me to stay away from your family."
"Why? Because we made him weaker?"
"I can only assume."
"Did he say that?"
"No…" Lex squeezed his eyes shut. "He said you were lying. He would remind me that I couldn't belong with you, that you didn't really care about me. Sometimes he would try to tell me it all was a trap. After I got back from the island, he would tell me that I somehow tricked you into thinking I was better than I was, and that you would eventually figure out the truth about who I really am."
In almost a whisper, their mom said, "He doesn't believe he can be loved."
For a fleeting instant, Clark almost felt sorry for him.
Lex drew in a breath. "No, Mom. Don't do this."
"Don't do what?"
"Humanize him. Sympathize with him."
"All I'm saying is, he seems to be putting in a lot of effort to making everyone believe that he's unredeemable. But he doesn't take every opportunity he can to hurt people."
"He doesn't want to hurt people. He just doesn't care if he does."
"I think he wants the same thing you want."
"What? To be a part of your family?"
She nodded.
Lex actually laughed at that. "Have you been listening to anything I've been telling you about him?"
"Yes. Have you?"
"I just told you he doesn't care about you!"
"I don't think he feels safe caring about us. He doesn't believe we'll care back. He knows you would kill him in a heartbeat."
"I would!"
"That doesn't mean he doesn't need us."
"Mom, you just have to trust me. He doesn't care about any of that."
"How do you know?"
"You haven't had to listen to that bastard think! He spends all his time going on and on about how he doesn't care about that!"
Silence hung in the air.
Clark's heart sank into his stomach. "Oh, my son," their dad said softly.
Lex dropped his head, letting out an exasperated noise. "OK. So maybe you're right. Even so, he's dangerous, Mom. Stop trying to sympathize with him."
"Of course he is. I can't imagine anything more dangerous than a man who has given up on love."
"What, would you say the same thing about Lionel? About Hitler? They were just... misguided men who had given up on love?"
"Maybe they started out that way," she said softly. "But I don't think he's too far gone yet. And sweetheart, you're not two people. You're one person. He's part of you." She reached across and took his hand. "And I love all of you."
Clark felt renewed determination within himself. He couldn't let the two sides meet. He couldn't let them kill each other. Not if the darkness wasn't purely evil; not while there was any hope of redemption.
"Let's say you're right," Lex tried again. "He's not my every vice personified. He's the side of me that doesn't believe in love, or whatever. Fine. Well, I don't understand what's changed. When I first came here, you all seemed so eager to crush my doubts. Now, even if you're right, you're saying that all of my doubts are contained in one person. A very, very dangerous person, who we could take out and be done with—"
"He sounds broken to me," Clark said quietly.
"Are you all forgetting what he's done?" Lex's voice rose. "He hurt Clark. He's been tormenting me. He will stop at nothing. Dad, help me out."
"I haven't forgotten," Dad said, and he turned to Clark. "Son, your brother has a better handle on this. Maybe we should listen to him. He's right about our goal being to defeat his darkness."
"Thank you!" Lex said.
"Was that really the goal though?" Clark asked. "To force him to love us and be a part of our family, to crush his doubts by any means necessary?"
"It sounds like we should be reaching out to him," their mom said.
"Why are you taking his side?" Lex threw up his hands.
"I don't want us to take sides, sweetheart. We all have the same goal."
"Apparently we don't! Mom, you can't save him!"
"He's my son. You're my son."
"Yes. Me. That monster inside my head, that's not me."
"It is you. Lex, our goal is for you to be healed. That's always been what we've wanted."
"Mom..."
"Maybe I'm wrong," she said. "But even if I am, it's a better explanation than to say one side is all good and one side is all evil."
"Either way, he's right," Lex said. "He never will be loved."
"No."
All eyes turned to Clark.
Clark set his jaw. "If what Mom's saying is right, maybe I can convince him. Maybe I can reach out."
"No. You can't—Dad, please, tell him."
Their dad grimaced. "Ah, I don't think that's such a good idea, Clark."
"Why not? Wasn't that the whole goal of taking Lex in?" Clark looked over at Lex. "If the darkness is doing these things because he doesn't believe he could be loved—"
"That's not going to help!" Lex said. "What he wants is power. Not love."
"Then we'll show him a better way. Attacking him only makes him more dangerous."
"Hold on, hold on." Their dad raised a hand, and everyone went quiet. "Clark, you were telling us that you wanted to imprison Lex's… other half. What exactly are you suggesting now?"
Clark squirmed uncomfortably. "I'm just thinking… I messed up when I split you into two people, Lex. That's not… that's not normal, and I don't think it's good for you, and I'm scared about what will happen if we hurt the other side."
"So imprison him," Lex asked. "It'll keep you safe."
"In the short term, but... Lex, we took you in and gave you a chance, and you gave us a chance, and… I wouldn't change that for anything. If your other side really believes he can't love or be loved, I want to give him the chance to change his mind."
"Clark, if Mom is right, he is by definition the part of me believes that."
"And two years ago, all of you believed that. Right?"
Silence reigned for a long moment.
Clark knew Lex wouldn't like this, and his dad wouldn't either. But he alone had something to offer, something the other half of his brother would want. "I just want to talk to him."
"And say what?"
"That I want to be his brother, too."
Lex hung his head, steepling his fingertips. "What's the ultimate goal here? Do you want us twins living under your roof forever? Do you want us to re-merge into one person?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I can just... help him."
"Clark—"
"Lex, if he really does want to hurt me, he'll never stop being a threat. You're him, Lex, you know. If you were in a cage, would you ever give up trying to escape?"
"That's why I need to kill him!"
"No," Dad said. "Martha's right. We can't kill him. Even aside from the risk to you, we don't know what we're killing."
Lex groaned. "You too!"
"I'll be safe about it," Clark said. "I'll let Mom know where I'm going and what time I should be back, so you can send someone after me."
"Why won't you tell me where you're going?" Lex asked.
"Sweetheart…" Their mom gave him a look.
Lex's eyes traveled from his mom, to his dad, to Clark. "I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?"
Clark gave him a slight smile. "Out of trying to save my brother? Not a chance. "
Lex looked away, blinking a few times. "If anything happened to you, I would never forgive myself."
"Likewise."
Lex swallowed hard. "You'll never hear me agree to this. But I guess I can't stop you."
"I just didn't want to do it behind your back."
Lex looked exasperated. His dad looked worried. His mom looked a little sad and a little proud. Still, Clark knew what he had to do.
It was for his family. How could he refuse to try?
