Chapter 11: Decisions and Discussions

Loki and Alex were awake before eight. They couldn't yet leave their room, so Alex took the crayons and draw a snake, trying to replicate the one in the visual dictionary.

"Alex, would you like a little sister or brother?"

"Yes. I'm looking forward to meeting the baby. Would he draw with me?"

"With time, yes. But not at first. Alex, why do you want to have a brother or sister?"

"We could play together. And I could teach him things like you are."

"But at first, the baby will be very small and you won't be able to play with him."

"You said you once had a brother and he was your best friend. I want a best friend too."

Yes, Loki had told Alex about his brother, he just did not mention it was Thor and that he himself use to be a prince. He will, in time.

And Alex wanted a best friend. Or just a friend. Someone that was more like him, closer to his age. But the baby would also be a slave in Asgard's eye. As long as Loki was still on Midgard, or at least with the Avengers, they were not really prisoners and Loki knew both Alex and the next one would be alright with the Avengers. But he was afraid of what will come after, of how the next baby would react when he would eventually find out he was a slave. On top of all, he feared the day his children would both understand they were the product of rapes. And Loki would have more responsibilities with two children. He knew he could do that, but it would be hard. But it would be worth it, maybe?

oOo

After they had breakfast and had cleaned the kitchen, Loki turn toward Alex.

"I want you to continue your drawing from this morning, okay? I'll join you later," said Loki. "I'll be in the infirmary, in the meantime."

Loki made his way to doctor Banner's infirmary.

"Ah Loki, time for your cream."

Banner apply the cream to all of Loki's injuries.

"You know, this is all healing very well. Does it hurt at all?"

"No, not since you start applying the cream."

"Great. I think in a week, it would be fine. You can go now, come back tomorrow."

"Doctor Banner. I had thought about your offer. And I refuse. I want to keep the baby."

"That's good Loki. It is your decision and everyone will respect that. I would like to see you every month, maybe even more regularly, to follow your pregnancy," said Bruce. "Loki, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, mister Banner."

"Well, I have examined your and I put the cream in areas that look very much like human anatomy. I am just curious about how you got pregnant and how Alex was born."

"As you suspect, it was rapes, both times. The trainers trained me not to resist if my master wanted to bed me. I did resist, a lot. My exterior looks like any other asgardian, but I have a uterus inside. Basically, the seed of my trainers made their way inside, by the wrong canal and must have pass across some tissue to end up in my uterus, then conceive the babies."

"Yeah, the phenomena can also happen with human pregnancy. The ovule can sometime migrate and the pregnancy started in the bowel. In your case, in was the reverse. But how did you give birth?"

"The trainers did not allow me to use my magic, so I was forced to follow through with the pregnancy. When I started to show signs the baby was coming, they ordered me to take my Jotun form. There is a birth canal in the front. The delivery went without problems. They also ordered me to keep that form so I could breastfeed. When I will be closer to the birth, I will have accumulated enough gold stars to be more at ease to bargain with my master for the use of my magic. If he doesn't allow me to change form, I fear for the pregnancy, but there is always the technique of cutting to retrieve the child."

"C-section," said Bruce. "It won't come to that. Steve will allow you to change form. And he will allow you to breastfeed if it's what you want."

"I doubt mister Rogers would want to have a hideous beast here."

"Who are you calling a beast," asked Bruce unsure.

"Me. My Jotun form. Jotnar are monsters, uncivilised beasts. He would be in his right to deny me, but it would also make sense. The trainers did it so I would hate myself more and to save themselves the trouble of the operation. It was also easier for them to have me feed Alex."

"Loki, the form you wear does not determinate if you are a beast or not. Take me for example, I could totally kill someone in this form. Though the other guy is stronger and inspires fear, I am no less a monster that he is. And I have knowledge in the medical field, so I could still kill someone without his help. You are not a monster, Loki."

Loki nodded unconvincingly.

"Last night, after you went to your room, Steve told me about your evening. According to him, you are a really good father to Alex. I have no doubt you will be for the next one. Clint told me that for each one of his children, he was afraid he would not be enough. Maybe you should talk to him if you still feel like a monster. You have been in his head, you know the things he has done. Maybe he can relate to your monster situation better than anyone else here."

Loki nodded. He would speak to Clint when he sees him.

"And for what it means, I don't think you are a monster."

oOo

Loki was once again in the kitchen — work never ends in that room — emptying the dishwasher when Steve arrived with a piece of paper.

"Hey Loki, come have a seat."

Loki sat at the table close to Steve.

"Vision gave me the new list of rewards and I approved it," announced Steve. Here the new list of rewards. And also, starting tomorrow, you can stay up until ten in the evening. So after you put Alex to bed, you can get out of your room if you want."

Steve gave the sheet to Loki. For one star, they could borrow a book for an unlimited time or watch television, either one of them for two hours or the two of them for one hour. And for fifteen stars, they could go outside, both of them, for one hour.

"Of course, the time outside would be under strict supervision," said Steve. "We don't want you to run away and we won't take risk, but you should be allowed outside. As we trust you more, the price of that reward might drop down."

"Mister Rogers, I would accept any and all restrictions you want to put on me if you allow me outside. I don't care if I am chained in a small yard."

"Loki, as long as you behave, we won't chain you. Next week, there will be workers coming to install the new swings. Can you believe the Avengers would ask for a bunch of swings like they were still kids? Anyway, Tony might be ordering other outdoor stuff. And since you are going to have two kids, it will be useful."

"Thank you, mister, you are too kind."

"Look, Loki, there are criminals on Earth, and they go to jail. Now, you technically belong to me, so you are more under house arrest. Still, prisoners have the right to the bare necessities, they are allowed outside. And Alex, well, he just doesn't deserve to serve your sentence."

"It is how it's done in Asgard for slaves," said Loki. "I might hate it, but both of them will be slaves for all their lives."

"We will find a way to reverse the sentence for them. And I already told you neither of them will be treated as slaves, never. Which means they will have the right to go outside, and learn, and have fun, and just be normal kids."

"I really appreciate that, on their behalf. If one of the reward was to have them send free, this is what I will be saving for. But I know it will take forever. You know, you can buy slaves in Asgard. Usually, they are given to those they have wrong, the war prisoners turned slaves and sometime sold, and sometimes the children are too. If I could buy anything in the world, it would be the freedom of my children. I used to have so much richness and no need for anything. Now, I have no money, but the greatest need I've ever had."

"Your children are free, Loki. Alex is only a slave on paper, and I won't allow Asgard to treat him like an object. You might deserve your sentence, but it's just unfair to put this on him."

"I brought this on him. And he said he hates me for it."

"Just keep in mind that for us, Alex is not a slave, just a kid. He is your kid, but on Midgard, everyone is born free and equal and have the right to freedom. That's from the Universal Declaration of Human Right who also stipulates that slavery is illegal and there should be reasonable work hours and free time. You should read it sometime."

oOo

The next day, the only task on the list — beside the usual kitchen cleaning after each meal —, was to help renovate Wanda's room. Tony decided that the renovations would start at six in the morning and got a lot of angry yelling. Wanda had moved in Vision's room for the time of the renovation. From Loki's perspective, it was a strange day. Everyone was helping each other to build something and they were also using their , at the end of the day, the room was bigger than before and Vision had moved in with his girlfriend and everyone was happy, but exhausted and most of them turned in early for bed, but given the fact they had been awakened so early, it was understandable. However, Loki was not too tired because he still had only been allowed out of his room at eight in the morning, but he was now allowed out after eight at night.

So, after Alex's bedtime, Loki had decided to venture out of his room past eight o'clock. Clint was alone in the living room and that's where Loki ended up. His accessible area was still small, so he could only go to a few places.

"If I'm bothering you, I can go," said Loki.

"Nah, come sit. I don't mind the company," said Clint. So Loki sat on one of the couches.

Loki opened and closed his mouth a few times while looking at the carpet beside them.

"If you have something to say, you can," said Clint.

"Well, it's personal."

"Go on anyway. Better than seeing you acting like a fish out of water."

"I have decided to keep the baby, but I still have doubts. I told mister Banner and he suggested I talk to you."

"Because I'm a father?"

"And because you are an assassin. You took lives, many lives, but you also gave it."

"So did you."

"Exactly. How do you live with that? How can someone be a killer and a father?"

"I dissociated the two. In my professional life, I am a sniper, but in my personal life, I am a father of three. Being a spy makes me better at creating a separation between both."

Loki pondered the words for a moment.

"But it is not just your professional life. I saw in your head."

"Yeah, you know I killed before I joined Shield. That was another life. I changed since then. Well, some things stayed the same, like the fact that I never miss a shot. I rationalise my actions and said I was doing it for a good reason. Then Shield came along and they gave me a good reason, I had to kill the bad guys. Then you came along and made me a hero because I joined the Avengers to fight you and your army."

Loki didn't want to be the first to break the silence, so he just waited.

"I made peace with my errors. There is a 'before' and an 'after'. Now, I'm someone better. My kids know part of my job, well, not Nathaniel, but the others do."

"I cannot dissociate my personal and professional life. As for a 'before' and 'after', it's still too recent."

"Loki, just the fact that you are coming to me to ask about that is a proof you are trying to change. Each time I got another one of my children, I have been afraid to fuck up. But each lf them had made me a better human, each day. I am changing because of them. And also because of them, I know I won't go back to killing like before. They are holding me. I don't know what I would do if they were not there. Have you, Loki, change when you got Alex?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I... Well... I..."

"Just take your time, but get it out."

Loki thought about the first two years of his training.

"The first year of my training, I did not obey. I was too proud. I resisted. I tried to run, try to fight them, kill them. They beat me in nearly every way possible. Then, they decided to teach me how to be a bed slave. In was in the program, it would have happened. I fought again, then I got pregnant. I tried to run away again because I didn't want to have the child in those conditions. I never got out, not once. For the whole pregnancy, I fought them. But when Alex arrived, I changed more than I could ever imagine. I realised the only way out of there was to complete the training so I would finally be given to my master. It was a way out and I wanted it because of Alex. I obeyed because of him. I stopped fighting so the trainers would give me away, so that Alex could be out of that place. Odin sentenced me to slavery, but I became an obedient slave for Alex."

"You became someone else for your kid. I followed the law for mine," said Clint. "We all are monsters, but we are also angels. I thought I could never be more than a killer, yet I became an Avenger. I learn to live with my past, accept it as a part of me. It won't leave me, but it doesn't define me. And your past may have brought you where you are today, but you choose. And you choose how you decide to see yourself."

oOo

Loki was once again cleaning the kitchen after a meal. It was becoming a routine and it didn't bother to clean. The Avengers were not trying to make the task harder and it wasn't long to begin with. Just bring everything to the counter, rinse and put in the dishwasher what could go in, wash everything else and then clean the table and the kitchen counters. Easy. And from time to time, he also had to start the dishwasher and, a few hours later, come back and empty it. With the number of Avengers present at the compound, which meant the dishwasher needed to be started very often.

So that Saturday morning, some of them were reading the newspaper and drinking their coffee which made cleaning longer because Loki had to wait. It didn't really bother him because he was also participating in some discussion. In the living room, Alex was watching television with Sam. There were some cartoon that was age appropriated for Alex, so Loki let him, but only during the weekend.

His master was still at the table, talking with Tony about ways to optimise the shield. Loki took an empty glass of juice and brought it to the counter, but on his way, he dropped the glass that smashed on the floor in pieces. The noise alerted everyone and all eyes were on Loki who felt on his knees, barely avoiding the glass.

"I'm sorry master, it was an accident. It... I demand punishment."

Luckily, the sound of the television was loud enough that Alex didn't hear anything.

Loki started breathing faster, his heart was pounding louder, his face was red and he was overheating. He should have wiped his hands dry so they wouldn't have been so slippery. He had the urge to wipe them on his pants now, but a good slave shouldn't move when people were looking at it. He just stayed still like he had been taught.

Steve came close to him, carefully avoiding the glass. In the distance, Tony was talking to Friday. Loki though he was asking for his cell to be readied. Of course he was going there, he had broken his master's property, or his master's friend's property, the glass belonged to Stark.

"Loki, look at me," ordered Steve.

Loki obeyed, at least he could do that so the punishment wouldn't be too severe.

"Did you drop the glass on purpose?"

"No master."

"Was it an accident?"

Well, yes, but actually, a slave should never cause accident.

"No master. This slave had forgotten to dry his hand before taking the glass, therefore it slipped and broke. This slave wish to apologise and demand due punishment."

It was an error and Loki knew errors were not admissible. He had been told that every time he had tried to talk back about deserving a punishment during training. But accident and punishment were never excuses. A slave never made excuses when something happens.

"Loki, it was an accident," said Steve. "Stand up, let's go sit at the table."

Loki obeyed and let himself be led to the table. The starkba, or rumba designed by Stark awaiting a better name, arrived and cleaned the mess on the floor. So Stark had called another servant to clean up his mess. How low was that? He couldn't even clean it himself.

"Loki, take deep breath, okay," said Steve.

Loki breathed, he calmed down a bit.

"Loki, a broken glass is an accident. It slipped your fingers and that is something that can happen. You didn't mean to break it, right?"

"It matters not that I didn't mean too, the glass is still broken," said Loki.

"Just one glass. I forgive you for that and I won't punish you."

"Why?"

"Because there will be no punishment for accident. Remember the squirrel incident? It was not your fault and the glass is not your fault. I want you to repeat it."

"The glass is not my fault."

"Good."

"At least remove one of my stars."

"Loki, no. The gold stars are a reward system. I will remove one star if the work is sloppy, but not for accident."

Tony came to sit beside them.

"Once, I thought it would be a good idea to have Dum-E, my robot, to serve me breakfast. I programmed it myself. It started okay, Dum-E put my plate at the right place. But then, he poured coffee in my eggs, then add sugar and pepper on top. When I told him to stop, he just looked at me. So I told him to bring back everything in the kitchen because I would not be eating that. So he took the glass of orange juice, the only thing so far free from this catastrophe, but didn't lift it high enough and knocked the plate off the table with the glass. Let just say my whole breakfast was in pieces on the floor."

Behind Tony, Rhodey had been listening to the story and was now laughing at it.

"Oh, yes, it is so funny when you are not panicking about all the programming errors and monstrosities that went into coding Dum-E. Loki, the moral of that story is that I made a mistake trying to use a robot that I designed myself for serving breakfast. I broke everything on the table that day — well, Dum-E did, but that's still my fault. I still kept Dum-E even though I could have demolished him. And you saw how useless he can be in the lab. Mistakes happen, errors happen, accidents happen. I don't care that you broke a glass. No one is going to punish you for those."

Finally, Loki was reassured. It was strange to get away with something, even though it was totally not his fault. The training had been harsh and now he had to relearn how to function. He just hoped that the next accident would not make him behave like he was still in training that he could get over his damn training.