Chapter 14: Visits and Freedom
The next morning, the food trap opened on breakfast. Loki found it difficult to accept it was there, because he didn't really deserve it, but he took it and ate. The food was good, very good, for prison food. According to Loki, the food did not really seem different from what he would usually eat on a normal day. So he ate it all, even the fruits, because he knew the baby needed it and that Steve would not be happy otherwise. Then, he put the tray back in its spot and the trap closed.
oOo
"Let me talk to him," asked Natasha while waiting on her coffee.
The Avengers, plus Alex were also having breakfast. Alex was eating all his berries.
"You know he is in solitary confinement for the time being. He cannot have visitors."
"This won't be a visit. Last night, you said he doesn't understand this new normal. I can relate to him, I've been through similar stuff. And you can listen to the whole time. You can even be on the other side of the door in case something happens."
"Maybe. It might be good for him to have someone who relates."
Natasha smiled, took her coffee and went to sit at the table. Steve followed and sat.
"Steve, you said I could talk to daddy again today."
"Yes Alex, but not just yet. Later, okay?"
"Okay." Alex didn't seem to like the answer, but he didn't say. He just looked and sounded tired.
"I would like a team meeting once Banner and Rhodes come back," said Steve.
An hour later, Alex was in front of the TV and the team was around the table.
"We are here to discuss Loki's punishment. How long do you think he should stay there?"
"The punishment should not only be time," suggested Vision.
"No! No, absolutely not," said Tony.
"We are not going to beat him," said Steve.
"I was not suggesting that. He needs to express himself, to talk. I think psychological help might do him some good."
"A shrink," asked Sam.
"Right now, we are keeping him as a secret. We cannot just hire a shrink," said Sam.
"I agree he should talk to people. We should make him understand what normal is," said Steve. "So part of his punishment would be to talk to people one on one, confidentially. What else?"
"Well, we already establish that if he is punished, he cannot do his work, therefore, he has to do it after, so more work and less free time," said Rhodey.
"We also said he would never do over a week in the cell," said Tony. "I think three days should be fine. He didn't have the intention to hurt someone."
"Three days seems short, but I think it will have an impact," said Wanda. "And it's his first time."
"But he should be allowed visitors," said Natasha. "We just agree he should talk to people, but Alex should also be allowed a small visit."
"I don't want Alex in that room," said Steve. "Tony, do you have another room close by?"
"Yes, a kind of interrogation room, with the window-mirror," said Tony.
"I would like to see it before the visit, but it sounds good," said Steve.
"I think I should talk to him," said Natasha.
"I think it's a good idea. Loki should talk to someone who can relate," said Rhodey.
oOo
Loki was just sitting in a corner of his bed looking down when the door opened. He looked up, but he didn't expect the Black Widow.
"Welcome to my humble adobe," said Loki.
"Can I sit?"
"Of course, Miss Romanoff."
"How are you this morning?"
"I am calm."
"Okay. Well, I am here in part to deliver your sentence."
Loki straightened his posture and listened.
"I caught your attention."
"Please, tell me."
"Three days here. That's also mean more work once you get out. And you will have to talk to people. Avengers mostly. Maybe others too. And I'm your first."
"What do you want to talk about?"
"About me, my experience, my life, my past mostly," said Natasha. "You know parts of it because you had access to Clint, but you don't know everything."
"And you will give me this information willingly? Why? To torture me?"
"No one wants to hurt you in anyway, Loki. I want to help you. Yesterday, you told Steve nothing make sense. Well, I felt that way once."
"I don't think so."
"Because I always appear to know all the answers? That's an act. Because I seem to have confidence? Also an act. I was taught to be whatever the person in front of me needed me to be. I was trained as an assassin. I was trained, just like you. They told me the world outside was against us and that I have to kill. They lied to me for years, from when I was a child until I got out. I was brainwashed, Loki. One day, I realised nothing was true. Some people were free, some people didn't have the same life as me. And I wanted their life. I met Clint at that moment. He told me I didn't have to follow their orders, but I had been told my whole life to follow orders, not to think by myself. Sound familiar?"
"You were a slave?"
"Not a slave, more like a weapon to be aimed. Clint took me to Shield and from then, things didn't make sense. What I have been taught was not true. The first month was freeing, like living another life, but it was not my life. After, I went to talk to Clint telling him life didn't make sense. He had to reteach me how the whole world work. He took me in that world. It was all so different. For once, people were not treating me like a weapon or just a whore, but like a normal person and it was making me feel like I had vertigo. It took some time to get use to all of it. You just have to talk about it."
"How did you get... How did you..."
"It took time, but after a while, I listened when people were telling me I was human, that I was free, that I deserve what I was having."
"It's hard to relearn things, relearn the truth after being lie to."
"On Earth, this is how we treat our prisoners. You are not a slave. What we gave you so far — the room, the clothes, the food, the time outside — you deserve it and it's normal. Same goes for not calling people 'masters', not kneeling. You have rights. I know it might not male much sense, because I've been through it, but it does go better. So just tell us if you don't understand something."
"Thank you, miss Romanoff."
oOo
Steve had examined the break room closed to Loki's cell. It had a couch, few chairs, a table, not much, but a normal break room. It would do.
So Steve called Sam and then went to see Loki.
"Mister Rogers."
"Loki, I have a good news for you."
"What is it?"
"I'm going to let you have a visitor. Alex. You won't be alone with him, but you will be in the same room and allowed physical contacts."
"Thank you, mister Rogers."
"Come on, followed me."
So Steve led Loki in the break room and they waited for Sam and Alex to arrive. To moment the door opened and Alex saw his father, he ran and hugged him.
"Daddy!"
"Alex, I'm so happy to see you. Oh, I missed you."
Loki kissed his child and buried his head in Alex's hair. He smiled profoundly.
"Alex, I missed you."
"I missed you too daddy."
Loki took Alex to sit on the couch.
"Hey, told me about your day. What did you do?"
And the three year old just started babbling about everything he had done since the last time he saw his father. Further away, Steve and Sam were sitting at the table observing the father-son reunion.
"When are you coming back?"
"I have to do three days of time out. It's not that long. It only means two more nights apart."
"I don't like to be apart. Last time was sad and long. I missed you a lot."
"This is nothing like last time, Alex. Did they feed you?"
"Yes, they did."
"See, it's not like last time."
That last time, Loki was still in training. He had wakened in the kitchen with Alex and the order to prepare the food. There was so much food and he knew it was also a test. Could he resist the temptation? He repeated countless times that the food was not for them and Alex listened. Then, Alex went to the bathroom with a guard and Loki slipped some food in his pocket. It was the first time he ever stole food while in training, but he truly thought he could get away with it.
But no, a guard spotted him, beat him, took the food away and took Loki to the pillory. Loki got his wrists and head locked in the device and got told he would be there, without food or water, for three days. The posture was terrible and Loki was so hungry. He just discovered he was pregnant at the time. But the worst past of being punished like that was that Alex was alone. The guards locked him up in their cell and left him there for three days, without any news, without food of water. And Alex was so scared he didn't sleep either. When the punishment was finally over, Loki had to reassure Alex that he would always come back from his punishment. Then he lulled Alex to sleep and the little one felt asleep in his arms with Loki sitting on the dirty ground.
But this time, at the Avengers compound, was different. Now Loki had told Alex how long they would be apart and they both have food.
Alex started to yawn.
"Alex, when you went to bed last night, after we spoke, did you sleep?"
Loki's voice was soft, without judgement, inviting for an answer.
"I was waiting for you. I was scared and alone."
"But you knew I wouldn't be in the room with you."
"Please come back to sleep with me?"
Even since they got a second bed, sometime, Alex would sneak back with his father. Sometime out of fear, other out of comfort.
"Alex, I cannot go back to our room just yet. But you have to sleep."
Loki started rocking Alex softly and singing an old lullaby from his mother. Alex let himself by smoothed by the actions and felt asleep. Loki put a kiss on his child's forehead and continued to rock Alex while he slept.
Then, Loki looked up to Steve and Sam.
"Friday, is it true that Alex did not sleep last night," asked Steve.
"He hasn't slept since the incident in the living room. So yes, it is true," said Friday.
"I should have known. He said he sleeps well this morning, but it was a lie," said Sam. "And he looked so tired at breakfast."
"I don't blame you," said Loki. "Alex had only ever sleep at night in my presence or if I am close by. You will have to find a way to ensure he sleeps while I'm here."
"Maybe one of us can stay in the room until he's asleep," suggested Sam.
"But if he wakes up during the night, he will take it as a betrayal if said person is not there anymore," said Loki. "I don't care if someone sleep in our room or if Alex sleeps somewhere else, I just care that he sleeps."
"We'll find a way," ensured Steve.
The discussion was followed by a long moment of silent where Alex just slept in Loki's arms. Eventually, the moment was interrupted by a knot on the door who then opened revealing Rhodey. Loki was surprised, to say the least.
"Hey, is it okay if I come in?"
"Yes, come sit with us," said Steve.
"Can I have a moment alone with Loki, please," asked Rhodey. "I won't bother the kid."
Steve looked at Loki who nodded, then Sam and Steve left the room.
"We'll be right outside if you need anything," said Steve.
Loki was uncomfortable, but tried not to show it.
"I would kneel in this circumstance, but as you can see, I am indisposed at the moment," said Loki.
"It's okay, I don't like people kneeling," said Rhodey.
"I would like to properly apologise for my actions yesterday. It won't happen again," said Loki.
"And I forgive you. I may not have super strength, but I can take a blow or two."
"The fact that you can take it does not eliminate the fact I should not have hit you it the first place."
"No, it doesn't. But it won't happen again, because we are going to help you adapt to this world.
"I have been at war. As you know, I'm an army general. But I can tell you that after every tour, there is a moment of transition when coming back. You haven't been at war, but through hell with that training. I want to tell you to just forget everything they taught you, everything you've been through, but it's not that simple. You have to live with what happens. You can't just forget. We are going to help you. I understand that everything you have learned is so different from everything that's happening here and you might think your training was all for nothing."
"Yes, it's how it feels right now. That it was for nothing."
"You will have to make sense of it yourself, but you are here right now, so just go on. Let the past in the past and live this life, the present.
"You know, I suggest that you end up in a cell if you were to misbehave. I know what can be done to prisoners of war, the torture, the hell they can suffer, even though I've never been through it. I can imagine the tortures you suffered. And I can assure you here is nothing like that. The cell is as bad as it gets, no beating or anything else."
"But it doesn't remove the degradation they did."
"Well, here, we are going to treat you like a person. Therefore, you will need to learn how to be a person. It will take time, but you have support. You have us."
"Thank you, mister Rhodes. Coming from you, it means a lot."
"Hey, I understand you didn't attack me because of me, but because you were out of your mind. I'll see you around."
Then, Rhodey stood up and left the room. Steve came back.
"Loki, if Alex sleep too much now, he won't sleep tonight," said Steve.
"Could he called before he goes to bed tonight," asked Loki.
"Yes, sure."
Loki shook Alex in his arms.
"Hey, Alex, time to wake up."
Alex slowly opened his eyes and looked at his father.
"You're still here, daddy."
"Yes. But it's time to say goodbye. We'll talk tonight before you go to sleep. And I want you to sleep tonight, okay?"
"Will you be there?"
"No. Daddy is in time out, but in two more nights, I'll come back."
"I don't want to sleep alone."
"I know I don't want to either. But I did something wrong and I need to be punished. But it will be over in two more days. I know you are brave and you can do that, right?"
"Yes, daddy," said Alex on an unconvinced tone.
Loki hugged his son once last time and kissed him. Then, he set his son on his feet. Sam took Alex's hand and they both left the room.
"How did it go," asked Steve.
"It went well, but I realise how much me being punished is affecting him. Mister Rogers, I swear I will be a good... an obedient prisoner and you won't have the need for the cell anymore. I promise. I will do anything not to leave Alex again."
"I know you will. Time to go back to your cell."
Loki followed Steve out of the room and on the way to his cell.
"You know, Alex will grow up. Here on Earth, we have school. Eventually, he will go to school and make friends there. Which means he won't be here during the day," explained Steve.
"I know how schools work, we have those in Asgard. But right now, he is too young and I shouldn't leave him during the night."
Loki sat on his cot expecting Steve to leave him now.
"You will have to decide what to do with Alex about school, but it's not a decision you have to take now. And they are some homeschool kids. I asked for the reward system so you will be able to provide something for Alex. When I came back from the ice, I felt like they were giving me a lot that I didn't earn or couldn't repay. Those were basic necessities I needed. But Shield also gave me more at first and it took me some time to have my autonomy in this world. I felt alien to a lot of things even though it was my own world. I know how you feel, you feel like we are giving you stuff you did not earn or did not deserve. The reward system is there so, by working, you can earn those things and privileges. You don't have to feel like you own us for everything. And you can provide for your son too. It was Vision's idea to include a lot of educative toys so Alex could learn. None of us want to take Alex from you, you are his father and nothing will change that. You are still responsible for him, and the next one. Right now, I am responsible for you, so I also provide you with the basics."
"I understand. Before, I never really had to work too hard. It was a lot of strategy, of administration, of relation, of politics, but I was a prince. And then I became a slave. Nothing I was ready too. Now, I am neither a prince like I have been my whole, not a slave like I have been taught either. And I am a father."
"You need to update your own identity, it won't happen over night. You have to redefine yourself. Just know that you can talk to us. There is no speaking out of turn, no waiting for permission, no forbidden question. You want to ask something, you do it. You won't be punished for that, never."
"Thank you mister Rogers."
"You're welcome Loki. I just hope with time, you will be able to call me Steve. It is allowed."
"I'll try someday. Maybe it will feel right."
oOo
For a guy who was supposed to have zero visitors, he sure did get a lot. In the afternoon, the door to his cell opened again and Clint let himself in.
"Hey. They told me what happened."
"Apparently, they did not tell you I should not have visitors," said Loki.
"Well, I'm here now. I want to talk."
"I'm listening."
"Nat told me she already came."
"Yes. It actually helps to talk," admitted Loki.
"Well, I was the one who arrested her. And then, because Shield though I made a mistake, I was the one in charge of her, a little like Steve is in charge of you. But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about what you did to me."
Loki shook slightly out of fear.
"I don't want to torture you with the story, Loki. But it's the moment in my life that can relate the more to what you are living right now. When I came out of your enchantment, nothing made sense. I had turned against Shield and I had fought against Natasha. What I had been forced to do did not make sense."
"I am sorry, mister Barton. I apologise and I demand..."
"Don't finish that sentence. You can apologise, yes, but I don't want you to ask for punishment. You already had it. I am telling you this not because I want an apology, but because this situation is similar to the one you are living. When you came out of that brainwashing you call training, you were like me when the link broke. The world doesn't make sense because everything you have been told contradict what you are doing. And it might even be stronger for you because you were there for five years."
"How did you get over it?"
"At first, I try to kill you. After, defeating you and knowing you were punished was working, now that part's just making me feel sick. But I had someone to hate, and it was you. Once you were out of sight, things start to get better. I went back to my family and my life like before. But I was not the same. I thought back to Coulson — the nice guy you stab through the heart — and I realise he would want me to talk about it. I talk a lot with my wife and with Natasha. Talking about it really helps. Don't be afraid to share your feelings, even though it might be strange at first."
"I am talking a bit more since this morning."
"Keep doing this. Don't hesitate to find someone. People are tougher than you imagine, they can handle what you are saying. And their perspective on the situation will help you."
"Thank you for the advice, mister Barton. Furthermore, I will like to formally apologise for taking possessing of you at the beginning of my invasion, and for making you do things you despise. And also for killing your friend by stabbing him."
"Apologies accepted. It's never too late."
"I am not doing it because you came here, but because I truly apologise and feel the errors of my way now."
oOo
Alex had talked to Loki again after supper and it was now time for bed.
"So, Alex, do you want one of us to stay in your room," asked Wanda.
"I can do it alone."
"Or you can come to my room. What do you say?"
"My room."
"Okay, let's get you to bed."
Wanda helped Alex get ready for bed and then she put him to sleep.
"Do you want me to stay with you until you're asleep?"
"I want daddy."
"Daddy explained the situation. He cannot be here."
Alex didn't answer, he just hugged the cover.
"Good night Alex."
Wanda went softly and noiselessly. She made her way back to the living room.
"Friday, can you tell me the moment he falls asleep please? And tell me if he wakes up."
"Sure, miss Maximoff."
"Steve, we have a few options to solve this problem, but I want to run them through you."
"Because I might not like them," said Steve.
"Exactly. One, we hope the problem solves itself and that Alex sleeps on his own. Very unlikely. And he might also wake up during the night."
"Unlikely, but there's always a chance."
"Two, I use my magic to make sure he sleeps. You know I can manipulate people's perception."
"He's a kid. No! Absolutely not."
"Well, three, if he cannot sleep without his dad, we bring him to his dad."
"I am never going to put a kid in a jail cell."
"And finally four: we bring Loki to his son."
"Right now, Loki is in time out. We cannot just take him out of his cell."
"What if," suggested Tony, "his time outside doesn't count. Like, he spends the night in his room, but he has to do more time in his cell after."
"Bad idea. It will only prolong his punishment and right now, he wants it to be over," said Clint.
"Any other idea," asked Steve.
"Well, option two and four are okay by me," said Tony.
"Friday, can you show us what Alex did last night? In high speed please," asked Bruce.
On the TV screen, they all saw Alex tossing and turning, sitting in his bed, changing bed to go to his father's, trying to sleep, then going to the bathroom multiple times. He was whispering something at one point. And later, he started observing the pages in the visual dictionary.
"Friday, did he ever do any of that before," asked Clint.
"He had wakened during the night, but he would usually go to sleep with mister Loki," said Friday.
"Friday, can you play the part when Alex is speaking," asked Steve.
Then, they heard what Alex had said.
"Daddy, I missed you daddy. I love you. Don't let me alone. I'll be a good slave if you come back. Daddy, come back. Please don't be hurt. Please come back. Daddy, come back. I miss you."
"Poor kid," said Sam. "Is he crying?"
"Sound like a mix between crying and praying," said Clint.
"Alex has to sleep," said Banner. "He needs his sleep. We have to find a good solution."
"Friday, what is Alex doing right now," asked Steve.
"He is doing what mister Barton just described as a mix between crying and praying."
"We cannot let Wanda play in Alex's head," said Clint.
"Believe me, I don't want to. But it will work," said Wanda.
"Okay, options one, two and three are off the table. That leaves us with taking Loki out for the night. Any other suggestion," said the Captain.
"If we do this, we will have to do it for tomorrow night and every other night Loki will be punished in the future," said Rhodey.
"As long as they both understand it is just for the night, I think it might work," said Sam.
"I'll go get Loki," said Steve.
"So a god will be answering a child's prayer," said Sam.
oOo
Loki was lying on his back, observing the ceiling, when the door opened and Steve entered.
"Did something happen?"
"No. why would you think that?"
"Because at this time, given that I am supposed to not have visitor, your presence here is strange."
"We have found a solution so Alex will sleep at night."
Loki sat up to listen.
"You will spend the night in your room, and in the morning, you will come back to your cell. You won't have access to any privilege and I want you to obey when I tell you it's time to get back here. If you disobey, there won't be a repeat. Do we have a deal?"
"You are really letting me out? Even just for the night?"
"Yes, we have to put Alex as a priority. Deal?"
"Yes, mister Rogers, I will be obedient."
"Great, come. And you will have the task to explain the situation to Alex."
oOo
Steve and Loki entered the room slowly. On Loki's bed, Alex sat up.
"Hey, it's me."
"Daddy!"
"Yes, it's me. I'm here Alex."
"I missed you daddy."
"Listen Alex, I will spend the night with you, but when you wake up tomorrow, I will need to go."
"But you will be there when I wake up?"
"I promise you I will. Now, it's past bedtime, so back to sleep."
Steve closed the door. Loki and Alex went to sleep in the same bed.
