A/N: Told you I couldn't let it go! This is more of a processing fic for myself of everything that went down in the crossover, told from Olivia's POV. You'll recognize dialogue from the actual show, along with some "deleted scenes" haha.
Think of this as a prequel for Quiet Moments. You don't need to read one or the other to understand either, but in my mind, I imagine this flows right into that, and if the show writers are nice people, they'll give us if not just a mere mention that Olivia attended that party. I was surprised by some online reaction that people were like "oh they didn't show because it was Bell at the door." Noooo guys, they definitely showed, just after Bell. And people were wondering what Bell came to tell Elliot. Wasn't it that Wheatley is out of jail? I thought we were supposed to infer all that. Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. But I'm going into January fully believing Liv and Noah showed, just later.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it isn't mine.
Though Olivia didn't have a traditional clock in her bedroom, the kind with hands and a mechanism, she could still faintly hear the "tick, tick, tick" of one as she laid in bed. It'd been quite the week, and it wasn't over yet. In roughly 12 hours, she and Noah would be knocking on the front door of apartment 1C, as if spending holidays with the Stablers was something they did all the time.
Truthfully, Olivia didn't know how she felt. Was she nervous? Excited? Dreading it? All of the above?
She knew she should be sleeping. Showing up was going to be hard enough without being sleep deprived, but no matter how many sheep she tried to count, they were quickly replaced by Elliot's face inviting her to his home, in that soft voice she didn't want to think about too hard because it was doing things to her mind, body, and soul that she wasn't sure she was willing to accept.
Olivia thought back to the day she walked up to Kathy's grave with a bouquet of orange flowers.
"We're meeting at the cemetery to celebrate Mom's belated birthday," Kathleen said when she called. "Me, Dickie, Dad, and Eli. Lizzie can't get off work and Maureen's boys have a school thing. We'd really like you to come with us."
She'd been hesitant. That letter had originally changed her perspective on Elliot, but after his drug-induced confession, it changed her perception of Kathy. But Kathleen likely didn't know that. None of the kids did. Olivia would not be the one to tarnish their mother's memory that way.
"Honey, don't you think that it's better if it's just family?" Olivia asked. "Some time for you and your dad and brothers to reminisce about your Mom together?"
"But you are family," Kathleen said. "Dad wouldn't have been able to get through this without you. Neither would I."
Olivia was taken back to the conversation she had in the park that morning with Kathy. The day she'd summoned Olivia to try to get Elliot to sign the divorce papers.
"You give him stability," Kathy said. "Elliot can't move on until he feels like he's on solid ground."
Ironic, now, that Olivia felt like the ground had been shifting constantly under her feet since his return. But out of options, and never truly able to say no to Kathleen, she'd agreed to go to the cemetery.
"We'll probably do lunch after, too," Kathleen said. "Please, join us for that also?"
So she agreed, went to the cemetery, and took flowers. Eli ran off to meet his study partner and she, Elliot, Kathleen, and Dickie went to an Italian restaurant for lunch. She and Elliot sat side by side in a booth, across from his children, talking about their memories of Kathy and everything just felt wrong. Elliot's arm on the booth behind her, the way Dickie and Kathleen didn't look at them together, next to one another like that, with the fear or anger they used to have as children.
But they'd soldiered on and Wheatley's trial eventually came, and it was the circus she expected. Though she never anticipated her friend Rafa would defend someone as heinous as Wheatley. Of course, she'd never expected him to kill someone else's baby and end up on trial either, and it was a sad fact of life that Olivia felt these men she thought she knew, could trust, cared for her in their own odd ways, were proving to be people completely different than the men she thought she'd known.
She wasn't surprised that Wheatley pulled a game of asking to speak with her in private, with the exception of Barba, in the middle of the trial. And she was too curious not to find out what he wanted. Unsurprisingly it was another instance of him knowing too much about things he shouldn't and sharing very little. One part had confused her though, and caught her by surprise.
"By the way, before you go," Wheatley said. "The love of my life, Angela, takes the stand tomorrow. You might want to make sure Stabler's children aren't there. They probably don't want to hear what she has to say. And I guess, neither do you."
She didn't like the way he'd said "love of my life," given that he and Angela were divorced and he had a new wife now. She also didn't like the implication that something Angela might say on the stand could hurt the kids… or her.
She didn't have to wait long to get an answer. She'd run into Elliot outside the courthouse and asked him point blank:
"Angela Wheatley's testimony is up next," she said. "Any reason I shouldn't be there?"
He didn't actually have to answer. The look on his face was enough to give away that something happened. His harsh and evasive "Why would you ask me that?" was just additional confirmation.
"I was warned," she said.
"By who?" he asked.
"Whatever happened between you and Angela, Wheatley knows," she said. "Which means Barba knows, and they're going to use it."
"Wheatley doesn't know anything," he said. "He's just stirring up Barba and Barba's stirring you up."
His lack of response, of owning up to whatever stupid thing he did this time, was wearing on her patience.
"You're not answering the question," she said.
"That's none of your business, or the court's," he said. "The question is, why are you really asking."
He'd had her there. She was, in effect, being nosy. She'd suspected something after talking with Wheatley and the fact that he wouldn't tell her, would rather her find out whatever it is in open court so they didn't have to talk about it, all while denying that Wheatley and Barba could know anything just further proved that after all this time, he still didn't get it.
"I wish I could trust you, Elliot," she said, trying to walk away.
"Liv, what does that mean?" he asked.
He surely couldn't be that stupid. It means exactly what she said. She can't trust him anymore. Not after Navaro, that letter, whatever this evasive crap is with Angela Wheatley.
"I know that you are carving your way through a mountain of grief and I have tried to be here for you," she said. "But this is a one way street Elliot. You have not asked me one question about what happened to me since you left."
And it was true. He apologized (or tried to) for leaving, then ghosting her. He'd told her she meant the world to him then told her to back off. He evaded her at the intervention, he was flabbergasted by the fact that there were people in her life telling her to stay away from him, and then he went undercover without much of a word only to resurface at the most inconvenient times and mess up her life.
"You show up at my house in the middle of the night when my son is there, asleep," she said. "That was hard for me. Scary."
And it had been, on so many levels. For one, the fact of someone clearly not in their right mind entering her space was enough to remind her of Lewis all over again, but to have Noah there for it too was a mother's nightmare. What if he had woken up? What if that was the version of Elliot he met for the first time? Not the man she thought she always knew? And then Elliot being there and high? That was scary too. He was a straight-laced choir boy. He didn't party. What if he was to overdose there on her floor, right in front of her eyes? Fortunately that didn't happen, but he did something nearly just as bad.
"And this letter. Why did you give me this letter?" she asked. "A letter that you didn't even write. What was that about?"
She didn't like his response.
"I'm not sure I know," he said. "I guess I didn't know how to begin."
"Well, that makes two of us," she said.
It all needed to be said. They needed to, for once, finish a conversation, sober. Not in the throes of some kind of anxiety attack. And it felt good. It felt so good to hit him with all the things he'd been bottling up for the past few months and not have to worry about him crumbling in front of her. To his credit, he took it all, and while at the time she wasn't sure if it resonated, she'd at least gotten it off her chest.
Angela's testimony wasn't as awful as she expected. They'd kissed, but Elliot was known to do stupid shit like that when he was grieving. He didn't know, but she knew about how he kissed Dani Beck all those years ago. Munch had eventually slipped up, revealing how they never liked her and if Elliot was going to be running around making goo-goo eyes at his partner it should have been Liv all along.
The being in love with Elliot part she didn't necessarily buy, thinking that could have been more for Wheatley's benefit than anything else. Another way to jab and twist the knife if he truly viewed Angela as the love of his life.
Elliot's testimony was more difficult to listen to, especially when Barba took the reins, looking back at her before he started laying into Elliot. She didn't like having to choose where to put her loyalties, between two men who meant so much to her. But she couldn't be on a side that didn't bring justice. And Kathy may have been many things, including somehow jealous of Olivia even 10 years later, but she did not deserve to be blown up in a car bomb, so her sympathies were with Elliot, completely.
Except he was doing the exact opposite of everything he should be doing up there, mouthing off, trying to bait Wheatley, and insulting the judge, which landed him in contempt. And everything went in the toilet from there. Her conversation with Barba, the verdict, and then Eli emptying out Bernie's pills, again, tricking the camera system, and running away.
She hadn't gone home. She'd gone to the precinct because she couldn't go home right now and try to be happy and engage with Noah when everything with Elliot and for Elliot had hit the fan, again. Sure, they'd retry Wheatley, but that meant they'd just be doing this all over again into eternity.
She didn't expect a call from Elliot hours later, after she had finally gone home. It was like 4 in the morning and her breath caught in her throat when she saw his name.
"El?" she said, pushing the sleep out of her.
"He's in Jersey," Elliot said. "Would you please…"
"Please what," Olivia said.
"Please come with me to get him," Elliot said. "If something's wrong I just don't know if I can do that alone right now."
"Okay," she said. "Noah's nanny spent the night. Let me get dressed and let her know what's happening. Can you pick me up?"
"I'll be there soon," he said. "And thank you."
The car ride was tense. Elliot was visibly shaken and she didn't particularly like the idea of him behind the wheel right now but it did give him something else to focus on.
"There's something wrong," Elliot said, eventually "He didn't sound right."
"Elliot, he's okay, we know that he's alive," she said. "He had the sense to call you."
"Yeah, he just… he said I'm sorry," Elliot said. "As if he disappointed me or something. It just sounded like he was in trouble."
"And whatever happened, we're gonna go, and we're gonna bring him home," she said, the fact that she was saying "we" instead of "you" wasn't lost on herself.
Though Eli was not her child, and was arguably the Stabler she knew the least, he was very special to her. Those long minutes she spent holding him in the ambulance while the medics worked to revive Kathy were some of the most frightening she'd ever encountered. They were right up there with the time she spent in Sealview, and with Lewis, and when Sheila kidnapped Noah, and every damn time Elliot tried to play hero and got himself shot, stabbed, or blinded.
All she could think about in those moments was that this little boy had been ripped away from his mother and Olivia didn't know if she would survive. He hadn't met his father yet, he was all alone in the world in those moments except for her, and it was her job to hold him, protect him, assure him that he would be okay. And she supposed that feeling towards him hadn't faded, even after 14 years.
"We're gonna find out what's going on here and take it one step at a time," she said.
Then she reached onto the center console and put her hand over his, interlacing their fingers. He reciprocated immediately, stroking her knuckles with his thumb, her pinky curling over the joint where the thumb met the rest of his hand. It wasn't even the most intimate situation they'd ever found themselves in, but it held more weight now. Because here and now, it was a promise. They were still in things together, no matter what secrets they kept, how much they fought. When it mattered, they would show up for each other.
Eli hadn't been where he said he would be and it sent Elliot spiraling again. He was seconds from punching the brick wall of the building by the payphone when she stepped in front of him and caught his hands.
"No, it won't help," she said, holding his fits in her palms.
"Liv," he pleaded, his eyes wet.
"He's okay, I know he's okay," Olivia said. "I can feel it. He needs you to be clear-headed when you find him, especially if something is wrong."
He unballed his fists and surprised Olivia when he pulled her to him by the waist, burying his nose in her hair.
"I can't lose him," Elliot said. "I can't lose any more of you. Please God, I can't."
"We will find him," she said, running her hands up his back in the way she used to soothe Noah after a tantrum. "Everything will be okay."
They stood there for a bit, on some rundown side street in Jersey, holding one another, until Elliot's phone rang.
"Hello?" he answered.
She looked up into his face to see the tension ease from his features.
"Can I have the address?" he asked. "Thanks."
Olivia's breath hitched.
"He's at the police station," Elliot said. "He crawled over the side of a railing near the GW bridge and some rookie cop had to talk him down."
"But he's okay?" Olivia asked.
"They've got him," Elliot said, leading her back to the car.
Elliot did what he normally did, busting into their squad room and demanding presence. They met officer Buono who looked barely old enough to drive, let alone talk a kid off a ledge.
"Are you Eli's mother?" he'd ask, and Olivia didn't let that process until much later, immediately sharing that she was a family friend and asking if he was the one to talk Eli down and for the details. He'd be going for a psych eval.
Elliot had asked to go talk to him and she was perfectly content to watch from the window.
"Liv," he called to her, not giving her much time to think. "Please."
She didn't feel it was her place to be in the room with them. Eli didn't really know her, and while he'd been polite to her, she highly doubted he wanted some outsider in there for the things he had to tell his dad. But she understood why Elliot wanted her there. He was emotional, worried about Eli, and he wanted her there to catch anything he may miss, anything important.
The way Eli sprung from the chair and into his father's arms hurt. The way he croaked out I'm sorry.
"There's no need to be sorry," Elliot said. "I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad."
The whole thing was hurting Liv, too. She wanted nothing more than to make them both feel better, to fix what's broken and make them whole again. But Kathy was gone and she couldn't change that. Elliot looked at her over Eli's shoulder, another one of his silent thank you's, grateful that he wasn't doing this alone.
"What's she doing here?" Eli asked when he turned around and saw her. His tone was fearful, not exactly angry, but she could tell he might prefer it to be just the two of them without her there.
"She was concerned for you," Elliot said, though she tried to placate him.
"I'm just glad you're okay, Eli," she said. "You gave us all quite a scare."
"I'm not okay," Eli admitted, and she felt her gut sink.
He tried to talk and Elliot tried to push. She could see it, his fear coming out. He'd done that with Kathleen and with Dickie. Eli was already fragile and he couldn't take unstable Papa Bear right now.
"Eli, whatever it is, it's gonna be okay," she said, in the most calm voice she could handle. "Why don't you just tell us where you were last night."
She hated how this was starting to sound like an interrogation, but they needed the truth. And it all came out. He met a girl, they drank, took pills, He woke up and she was naked in the bedroom and dead. Olivia hated that she had to ask Eli if he'd had sex with the girl, and she wasn't completely comforted by the fact that he didn't actually know, sure that he'd remember if he did. They needed to stay together and she would take over finding out more.
Of course, per usual, Jersey PD stonewalled her, some neighbor identified Eli, and he was remanded to the psych ward. Thankfully, with some fancy footwork from Jet, they found that the witness was the killer and Eli was cleared, and Elliot called her once again to come with him to pick up Eli from the hospital.
"Are you sure," she asked before getting into his SUV.
"Never been more sure of anything," he said as she climbed in.
They found the floor, and as always, Elliott tried to steamroll his way through, yelling at the nurse. She had to intervene and ask nicely. How many times in 23 years has she had to do that, everywhere they go?
The doctor wanted to speak with Elliot before they could see Eli and Marisol, the nurse, sent them to a waiting room until the doctor could see them. She'd been checking her phone for updates from Fin and Lucy since she wasn't at work, nor at home, gallivanting about with Elliot like it was still 2007, when he spoke up from the coffee machine.
"I want to know," he said.
"Sorry?" she said, not understanding.
"About what you've been through. The things I've missed," he said. "Seeing anyone?"
Really? Olivia thought. The man has been back 9 months, hasn't asked her a lick about anything, and the very first thing that comes to mind for him is who she's dating?
"Seriously?" she asked.
"Too awkward?" he asked, a playful look on his face.
"Little bit," she answered. "But no, not at the moment."
She'd hoped that'd be enough to satisfy him, but it'd never been enough for him in the past.
"But you did?" he asked.
Again, really? What, did he think she just sat around for 10 years waiting for him to return? She wasn't a nun.
"Well, it has been 10 years, Elliot," she said.
"About how many?" he asked, with a shy smile.
"What?" she questioned. This man did not just have the audacity to ask her how many men she dated in his absence.
"About how many?" he repeated.
"Do you want to know my dating history, detective?" she asked, leaning on the back of a chair and looking right at him. She wanted to make him squirm. Wanted to make him feel uncomfortable for asking.
"You're being evasive," he said, laughing, and putting a hand to his face.
He was enjoying this. Why couldn't they just talk about their romantic partners like normal people. He'd pulled the same dodging tactics when she'd brought up Angela Wheatley a few days ago outside the courthouse, and she wasn't going to tell him it wasn't any of his business. If he was that interested he could know.
"There was one who I thought might actually…" she started. "But I wasn't ready… and then Ed died."
Well, not her most eloquent speech but it did sum everything up. Sitting in a hospital waiting room just waiting around to pick up Eli from a psych evaluation wasn't particularly the best place to get into just how she ended up with Elliot's public enemy No. 1, Ed Tucker.
"Liv, I'm so sorry to hear that," he said, sounding sincere.
There was a bit of recognition on his face, like he knew what it felt like. And he did. She wished he didn't. She wished neither of them had to feel the pain of someone they loved. Although, she'd had to do it more than once, in private, and secret. He just didn't know about that and she wouldn't dare admit it.
The doctor called them, addressed Elliot and turned to her. She cut him off before he could ask questions, not giving anyone else the opportunity to assume he was Eli's mother. The doctor asked Elliot if he could speak freely and Elliot gave him the green light.
"I had a chance to spend some time with your son since he's been here," Dr. Stutz said. "He mentioned that both his grandmother and his sister are bipolar."
"Eli is not bipolar," Elliot said.
Here we go again, Olivia thought. Because he handled that so well the last time.
"Well, I'm not suggesting that," Dr. Stutz said. "Now the reason I wanted to speak with you was, while Eli might not be suicidal, he may not even be an immediate risk, he is manifesting real signs of severe anxiety."
"Well, yeah, he was charged with a murder that he didn't commit so…" Elliot said.
She stepped in to stop him, again realizing exactly why she'd been invited along to every step of this journey. On one hand, it was good how well Elliot finally understood himself and knew he needed her as a buffer. On the other hand, it was annoying she still had to be one after 23 years.
"Okay, so severe anxiety," Elliot said, taking her gentle warning.
"When your son was on that ledge he was devastated by the possibility that he may have been in some way responsible for Mia's death," Dr. Stutz said. "But he was just as upset, perhaps more frightened and upset, by the thought of how his father… you… might react."
The air got thicker around them.
"Are you saying he's afraid of me?" Elliot asked.
"No, no, no," Dr. Stutz said. "He's afraid for you. He told me how much you've been through and he's just not sure how much more you can take."
Olivia felt like someone hit her in the chest, and just a glance out of the corner of her eye at Elliot showed he felt a thousand times worse. They both knew what it felt like to have to be the protector for a parent. Their mothers each with their own demons, forcing their children to grow up too fast, to always recalibrate to keep the stability. And now Eli felt he had to do the same for Elliot, and it broke both their hearts.
She watched from the outside this time as Elliot collected Eli and they left the hospital. Eli didn't question her presence this time. When Elliot asked her to come with him to hear the witness-turned-killer's confession, she agreed, wanting to see things through.
They'd been leaving the Jersey precinct, hopefully for the last time, when Elliot grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. He'd done it once before, the day Eli was born, as she went to walk away from him, but he pulled her back for a hug, their first hug.
"Thank you for being there again when I needed you," he said.
She tried to stop him, brush it off again. The apologies were getting too much. She knew she was too deep in their business, and she also knew she couldn't step back and watch them drown. So they were where they were.
"No," Elliot said, finally pushing back. "I want to find balance here in this. Whatever this is."
Whatever this is? Did he just acknowledge that there was something more to this, to them, than just a partnership? Because the last she remembered, what they had wasn't real, and anything that could be real had to take place in a parallel universe.
But now wasn't the time to be getting hung up on that letter.
"How about we call it a friendship," she said, with a small smile. "How's that for now?"
It felt good to call Elliot a friend again. After all the years and all the crap, he was her best friend once before, the longest relationship she ever had with a man, and still is. She wanted his friendship and she wanted to return it too. She wanted to be Benson and Stabler again the way they had always been.
He, too, looked happy at her declaration, not bothering to hide the wide smile on his face. It was as if he'd been waiting for the same thing, though they were both so confused neither of them had really known how to ask for that friendship back in the last nine months.
"Hey my friend Olivia," Elliot said in the softest voice she had ever heard him use.
Not once, had she ever heard him talk that way. Not to Kathy, any of the children, any victim they'd ever met. His voice was low, sweet, and dare she even say… flirty? Her body reacted immediately, long before her brain.
"I'd like you and your son Noah to come on over to my place this weekend for a family Christmas get-together. Please."
As if the tone wasn't enough, the words themselves sent her reeling too. It wasn't as if Elliot had never invited her to his house before, or even for the holidays. Back when they were partners he'd invited her over plenty of times, or asked her to swing by, or Kathleen wanted to know if she'd attend this dance recital or that art show. But he had never asked her over for a family get-together, and she surely had never done it in that voice.
The fact that he invited Noah too, meaning he wanted to meet her son properly, didn't go over her head either.
If this had been any other man with whom she didn't have this kind of history, who she didn't just tell they were rekindling a friendship, she would have swore he was asking her out on a date. Even now, she wasn't so sure it wasn't.
She was caught off guard. Her initial reaction, as it had been with every Stabler invitation in the last 9 months, was to say no. To deflect and reject and remind them to focus on family, each other. And if he did mean this as a date, wouldn't agreeing to it send him the wrong message after she just put him in the friend zone… for now.
But she didn't want to say no. She wanted Elliot to meet Noah, and for them to see his whole family for the holidays. She wanted to go, but she couldn't say yes here, now, like this.
"I just need to think about it, okay?" she said, not being able to stop the smile crossing her face, or the way her voice rose and octave and she was choked up. "But I'll let you know. Can I let you know?"
She hoped he'd take it as it was, not as a rejection but that she needed more time.
"Just come," he'd whispered in a voice even softer than the first and she knew they'd be going, even if she didn't agree to it right now.
She'd asked Noah Friday after school what he thought about going.
"This is your friend from the park, the day we went sledding?" Noah asked.
"Yep," Olivia said.
"The one you were partners with before Uncle Nick?" Noah asked. "The guy who's in all those pictures in the box in your closet?"
"How do you know about that?" Olivia asked.
"Never mind," Noah said. "So it's like his whole family?"
"Yes, his mother, and he's got five kids and two grandkids," Olivia said.
"Do you think they'll like me?" Noah asked. He didn't get nervous too often, so this surprised her.
"Of course they will, sweet boy," Olivia said. "Why would you ask me that?"
"Because I know how much you like them," Noah said. "Especially Elliot. So I want them to like me too. If they do, we can keep seeing them and it'll make you happy."
It always fascinated her how perceptive Noah could be. Even when she didn't tell him anything. They had never talked about Elliot beyond the day at the park when Noah asked who he was. He'd overheard her talking to Kathleen on the phone one time. That was it. And yet he could just tell.
"Well, what if you don't like them," Olivia said. "That's more important to me. How you feel."
"I think it'll be okay, Mom," Noah said. "I think we should go."
Noah would have been her out, and he was in. So she texted Elliot Friday night before bed.
"Noah says he wants to meet the Stablers," she said. "What time tomorrow?"
"3 p.m." Elliot answered. "Wear something festive."
She chuckled, leaning over to plug her phone in for the night, but it buzzed once more before it left her hand.
"Thank you, my friend, for saying yes," Elliot's text read. "I can't wait to meet the most important man in your life, Noah."
Her heart swelled. Despite the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety, this felt right. Though she'd been trying to deny it for nine months, hell 23 years, the Stablers were family. Her family, even when she felt she had none. And maybe it was time to stop fighting that fact.
"He can't wait to meet you either," Olivia responded. "Goodnight, El; see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Liv," he responded, adding the Christmas tree and kissy face emojis that she's chosen to ignore for now.
That was hours ago, and Olivia still laid awake in bed, wondering what the upcoming day would bring. Instead of fighting it, she finally allowed herself to imagine the look on Elliot's face when he opened the door for them. The first conversation he'd have with Noah. The first time Eli would show Noah how to do something new. The way Kathleen would hug her and tell her how much she enjoyed seeing Liv as a mom.
Slowly, these cozy Christmas scenes lulled her to sleep, preparing her for what was to come the next day.
A/N: Reviews? Marking this as complete but I might make it a two-shot and do the same events (well, similar events) through Elliot's eyes. Not a promise, but if I have time I might.
