A/N: Couldn't stay away! This is the other side of the coin. It's much longer than Pt. 1, probably because Eli and El have quite a few more scenes and stuff in OC. But either way, this might be the end of my direct crossover content for now, but it sure has been a fun ride.
Elliot can't remember the last time he actually got a good night's sleep. But at least tonight, the thoughts keeping him awake were exciting, anticipating, giddy. And it had taken a lot of time and a lot of confusion and fear to get to this moment.
He hadn't been sure what to think when Kathleen told him she'd invited Olivia to celebrate Kathy's birthday with them. He'd just gotten out of undercover. He'd been under for Kathy's actual birthday and Kathleen had wanted to get something together as soon as possible after he was out. It was the first time he was going to see Olivia since the night she told him to come home. He could still feel her hand against his cheek, see the fear in her eyes that he was becoming a different person, still hear the silent words she hadn't spoken but it felt like she meant: come home to me.
He'd texted her right after he'd shaved the night he got out of UC. A simple "It's over. I'm home." She'd responded with "I'm glad." But that had been a week and a half earlier and they hadn't talked since.
Something about watching her walk up to Kathy's grave with flowers in hand… It was strange for him. He had never imagined a world where Kathy was gone, and Olivia was still here. Truthfully, he always thought he'd predecease them both by doing something stupid on the job. And yet, here they were with things more complicated than ever.
"Ah you shaved," was the first thing she said to him. "It's good to see your face."
"It was time," he replied, feeling like a kid again as the girl he was crushing on noticed something about him. Then he felt the guilt lurch in his stomach as Kathleen stepped up to her mother's grave.
He'd proposed Italian for lunch, picking a restaurant near the cemetery. Eli had run off to meet his "not a date" study partner and it'd just been the four of them. They all told stories about Kathy, which Elliot knew was probably hard for Olivia given what she now knew about the letter and Kathy's feelings towards her. But she'd never let the kids see anything other than the respect she once held for their mother, and for that, he was grateful.
It amazed him how natural it felt to be there with her like this. His arm draped over the back of the booth behind her, the kids talking and laughing. He remembered a time when Kathleen had been skeptical of his relationship with Olivia, but that diminished not long after she started to get help for her bipolar disorder. He still remembered the time Dickie asked Olivia if she'd ever slept with her partner and he almost swallowed his tongue from the other side of the two-way mirror. But they'd never crossed the line and she was able to answer him with a guilt-free conscience. There was no ill will among them anymore. She had always been family, and all of them, even Kathy he believed to some degree, knew it.
He'd asked for time to tick faster that day, and it did. He'd been meeting with Liv about the upcoming trial only to encounter her friend Rafael Barba, whom she'd mentioned once or twice since he'd been back, under circumstances he'd never expected. One of Olivia's closest friends was representing Wheatley, and he'd asked him why, straight to his face, and didn't get a response.
He was sure, perhaps, Liv had talked about him to Barba over the years. Maybe she expressed anger or feelings of abandonment for how he left her, and Elliot too would have hated anyone who did that to her. He hated himself for it, but planned to make it up to her someday, somehow. He could understand how in a social context Barba may not have wanted to have a drink and do small talk with him. But representing the man that killed his wife was just too much. Although Olivia didn't acknowledge it, after her car accident, she had personal feelings of anger toward Wheatley too, and though she wouldn't say it out loud, to Elliot at least, he knew she wasn't happy with her friend taking the case either.
The beginning of the trial had been hard for Elliot. Carisi told him he couldn't be in the courtroom because he had to testify, and because he didn't want Elliot influencing anything throughout. He was only to come in for his questioning and remain elsewhere on courthouse grounds the rest of the time. He knew three of his five kids planned to come to every minute of the proceedings, that Bell and Liv had to testify. It ate him up that he couldn't be in there with them. But he had to listen to Carisi, even though he didn't know how much he trusted the kid. Liv trusted him, and he guessed that had to be enough. But she'd once trusted Baraba too. And yet, she also once trusted Elliot himself.
He was glad he got to see her outside the courthouse after the first night of the proceedings.
"I heard Barba was tough on you," he said.
"I'll live," she responded. "Angela Wheatley's testimony is up next. Any reason I shouldn't be there?"
The question made his stomach sink like a rock. She didn't ask questions like that unless she already knew the answer. He knew her interrogation tactics like the back of his hand.
"Why would you ask me that?" he replied, trying to force her hand. How could she possibly know?
"I was warned," she said.
"By who?" he asked. Carisi might have told her. Angela may have said something to him. Barba maybe?
"Whatever happened between you and Angela, Wheatley knows, which means Barba knows and they're gonna use it," she said.
"Wheatley doesn't know anything," he said. "He's just stirring up Barba and Barba's stirring you up."
"You're not answering the question," she said.
He wondered why all of a sudden this felt like an interrogation. And it wasn't a game he wanted to play. He was already ashamed. Had done enough damage in her eyes. He didn't want to talk about kissing Angela and he sure as hell never wanted her to know about Flutura.
"That's none of your business or the court's," he said. "The question is why are you really asking?"
He thought he'd have her there. Why did she care what he'd done with Angela anyway? It wasn't like she'd expressed particular interest in getting to know him again since he'd been back. Sure, she'd been there to pick up the pieces from what happened to Kathy, but it was nothing like they were in the old days.
"I wish I could trust you, Elliot," she said, stalking off.
Her words hit him like a cold snowball to the back of the head. She couldn't trust him? Didn't she know that everything he does, everything he's ever done, including putting in his papers, making a clean break, and heading to Rome, was for her benefit or best interest?
"Liv, what does that mean?" he asked.
The question sounded stupid leaving his lips. On the surface, of course he knew what it meant. He'd lost her trust and he wondered if he could ever get it back. But nothing with the two of them had ever been surface level. There was more to it for her and he had to know what she really meant by that.
"I know you are carving your way through a mountain of grief, and I have tried to be here for you," she said. "But this is a one-way street, Elliot. You have not asked me one question about what happened to me since you left."
He thought that surely he had. He had been dying to know how she spent every second when they were apart. But, he realized, he never asked her what had happened in her life. He'd asked Fin. Fin told him she moved on, that she had a son and some pretty serious relationships. He'd talked about her rise through the ranks and how completely badass she was as a Captain, and he wouldn't have expected anything less. He knew what he needed to know for now, but no, he realized, he never once asked her about any of it.
"You show up at my house in the middle of the night when my son is there asleep," she said, yelling now. "That was hard for me. Scary."
The word "scary" had hurt. He'd never meant to scare her. That was never his intention. He never would have harmed her or Noah. He'd only seen the little boy once and he'd already fallen in love with him. He looked like Olivia, and it was evident that he adored her just as much as she adored him. He never would have put either of them in harm's way. Of course, he hadn't been in his right mind, but that wasn't an excuse. The thought that he scared her when he spent their whole partnership making sure she felt secure, that she could do the job the way she needed to do it because he'd always have her six, it made him sick.
"And this letter," she said, with near disgust in her voice. "Why did you give me that letter? A letter you didn't even write. What was that about?"
He wanted to scream "because Fin said you moved on." It had been so clear on her face that day. She hadn't been interested in reconnecting, and had Kathy not died they wouldn't have even been standing there in the snow talking. So he thought, at the time it was the right thing to do. But now?
"I'm not sure I know," he said. "I guess I didn't know how to begin."
"Well that makes two of us," she said.
It was everything he needed to hear, no matter how devastating it was. She had been walking on eggshells around him for nine months so it was finally good to see her come at him with both barrels the way she never used to hesitate to do in the squad room. It did make him realize that in his grief he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself. Hell, that's why he'd gone undercover. But she deserved better. She always deserved better.
Day two of the trial was as big of a shit show as the first. Richie Wheatley was supposed to testify and then changed his tune. Carisi said Barba's entire goal was to paint Elliot as unstable and out of control, and he'd need to keep his cool up there.
Well screw that.
Carisi had also said to find a way to get into Wheatley's head. Elliot knew exactly how to do that.
He made sure to stress that he told Kathy he loved her in the ambulance. Which he did, but if Wheatley's entire ploy had been that he didn't truly love his wife, reiterating that could hit off any pass they might try to make later. He stressed how Weatley is the boss and in organized crime the hit orders always come from the top. He'd brought up how Wheatley was so threatened by him talking to Angela and his mention of their "women" being collateral damage. He didn't bring up the point that he feared Olivia was also included in that category, but it did cross his mind.
But when Barba stepped up to the stand, Elliot decided to get a little rowdy. He offered more information than asked, practically growled at Barba when he brought up his family. But the real kicker was what he said to the judge.
"How much is Wheatley paying you, Judge?" he said, landing himself in contempt.
Olivia looked at him with her "Seriously, Elliot?" face as he was led away, but he had a plan.
He sat in the little crappy contempt cell until he heard them call for a brief recess. Then he saw Wheatley strutting towards the men's room.
"Hey, officer," Elliot said, standing up to alert the cell guard. "Any chance I can hit the john?"
"Not really supposed to let you out of here without the Judge's orders," the officer said.
"I had a ton of coffee this morning," Elliot said. "If I end up having to go back up on the stand a piss stain down my pants isn't going to look too professional."
The officer looked at him and Elliot tried to give one of his best boyish smiles.
"Fine," the guard said, unlocking the cell and walking Elliot to the men's room.
"Thanks, I owe you," Elliot said, disappearing into what looked like an empty room, but he knew Wheatley was there somewhere.
He unzipped his fly to go about his business, he really did have to pee after all, when he heard the toilet flush.
"Well, isn't this awkward," Wheatley said, sidling up to the urinal. "That was some performance back there. Another minute you'd have been frothing at the mouth."
"So you were listening?" Elliot asked, trying to gauge exactly what he'd fixated on.
"Everyone was," Wheatley said.
He didn't miss how Wheatley peeked over the urinal wall to try to catch a glimpse of him. Go ahead and look, Elliot thought. He didn't have anything to be ashamed of and it was a little pathetic that Wheatley was starting to feel so threatened that he was looking for any signs of having the upper hand.
"I was surprised to see Olivia in the gallery," Wheatley said. "She didn't hear enough after Angela's testimony? You must have some mansplaining to do."
Elliot tried not to bristle at Olivia's name in Wheatley's mouth. He was on a mission.
"Well, Olivia knows a lot more about what went on between me and Angela than the jury does," Elliot said. "She's good like that."
In reality, Olivia didn't know squat, and there probably wasn't any more to tell than what the jury did hear. But let Wheatley think there was more, and that Olivia was either fine with it or simply didn't care.
"Poor Ange," Wheatley said. "She's a shell of her former self. Hasn't been the same since her son died."
"That's not my experience with Angela," Elliot said, knowing that would get to Wheatley. "Seems as if grief was a powerful aphrodisiac."
Unfortunately that comment didn't land as hard as Elliot wanted it to.
"She was playing you," Wheatley said with a laugh.
"Yes she was," Elliot said, trying again. "Over and over."
"Look at you all puffed out with your Bayside High bravura," Wheatley said. "When this is over, she'll be right by my side."
I can only hope, Elliot thought. Right by your side in a jail cell.
"Yeah, maybe so," Elliot said, going for the last word. "But trust me. She'll be thinking of me."
They were ushered out of the men's room by the guard, but he was pretty sure the last barb hit its mark. His little quest succeeded when Wheatley wanted to get up on the stand for himself. He had to try just a little too hard to win the jury back over, and Elliot prayed to God he'd trip himself up trying to play the pity card. He'd gotten with Liv quickly and talked her into taking Angela into the gallery for Wheatley's testimony, which she'd done dutifully, and he hoped that would make all the difference.
After some time, the jury was back. Eli was home with Mama, Kathleen and Dickie were sitting with Fin in the gallery, and he and Liv stood in the back against the wall. Eli was clearly studying but not picking up his phone. And his mother, with her infinitely bad timing, called right as the verdict was coming in.
And with a two for one gut punch, the jury was deadlocked and Eli had emptied out the medicine cabinet, tricked the camera system, and ran off.
He'd dashed from the courtroom, not giving the deadlock time to set in. Olivia had yelled after him to call if they found anything. He'd made it home with Kathleen and Dickie, yelling out for Eli.
"He's not here," Bernie said from her perch on the stepstool, hanging Christmas decorations. Something else he didn't need right now.
"Get her down from there," Elliot instructed Dickie. The last thing they needed to add to this hell hole of a day was Bernie breaking her hip and landing in the ER.
Elliot changed as he continued to call Eli repeatedly, and he kept getting silenced. He tried to get Dickie to call, and had to calm down Bernie for feeling at fault. He understood why she felt responsible but she was 82 with bipolar disorder and possibly the early stages of dementia. He'd set up the security system exactly for these reasons and Eli still found a way to get around them. If he wasn't so worried, he might wonder if the kid had an aptitude for computer crimes.
It had been hours. Elliot had sent out a citywide alert and tried to get Jet to ping Eli's location but she said his phone was off and she couldn't. Kathleen had checked in with that rotten Brett who was involved in the pill incident the first two times, but he and his mother both swore they hadn't seen Eli. He had to talk his mother down from self-pity, reminding her Eli was his kid and the was the parent and it was his responsibility.
He didn't have time to share that he felt like an absolute failure, and he didn't actually know how to raise a 14-year-old boy because when Dickie was 14 they lived in a house in the semi-suburbs and Kathy did all the heavy lifting and he didn't take undercover missions that lasted more than a night or two at most, because the phone rang.
Eli called and he sounded distraught. He was in New Jersey alone but something sounded so wrong. He didn't know what happened. He asked for help. He apologized. Elliot wanted nothing more than to crawl through the phone and grab Eli and hold him and never let him out of his sight again, but instead he'd have to drive about 20 minutes to Jersey before he could do it. And he didn't think he could do it alone.
It was like four in the morning but he had to call her, and she picked up on the second ring.
"El?" Olivia said, sounding like he'd woken her up, like he expected.
"He's in Jersey," Elliot said. "Would you please…"
"Please what," Olivia said.
"Please come with me to get him," Elliot said. "If something's wrong I just don't know if I can do that alone right now."
"Okay," she said. "Noah's nanny spent the night. Let me get dressed and let her know what's happening. Can you pick me up?"
"I'll be there soon," he said. "And thank you."
He had to take everything one step at a time. The mantra he followed was "get to Liv" as he barreled over the Queensboro bridge and into Manhattan. He navigated to her street and she was waiting outside her building, ready to hop into his SUV.
There had been many times in Elliot's life where he was grateful for Olivia's presence. Millions of incidents on the job. Eli's birth. When Kathleen got arrested. When Kathy died. Today at the trial. But right now, with his youngest son in distress, knowing how she felt about everything he'd done or didn't do over the last 10 years and still being willing to up and go in the middle of the night for him because he and Eli needed her. God. He knew he loved her. He had to admit those feelings to himself a long time ago, and he'd blurted them out unceremoniously at their little intervention like a jerk. But if he hadn't loved her before, he absolutely would have now. Because he already did, the feeling just grew. She was, as he'd told her in the deleted voicemail he never sent, his rock. She would always be his rock, his port, his anchor.
"There's something wrong," he said, eventually, after they'd been driving for some time. "He didn't sound right."
"Elliot, he's okay, we know that he's alive," Olivia said. "He had the sense to call you."
"Yeah, he just… he said I'm sorry," he said. "As if he disappointed me or something. It just sounded like he was in trouble."
"And whatever happened, we're gonna go, and we're gonna bring him home," Olivia said.
He didn't miss how she used the term "we" instead of "you" when addressing how Eli would come home. She wasn't just along for the ride. Wasn't just there as some background figure because he'd asked her. She was in this. She cared about Eli. She'd been his protector since birth and she hadn't given up that title.
"We're gonna find out what's going on here and take it one step at a time," Olivia said.
Then Elliot felt the warmth of her hand on top of his on the center console, interlacing their fingers. He reciprocated immediately, stroking her knuckles with his thumb, her pinky curling over the joint where the thumb met the rest of his hand. It wasn't even the most intimate situation they'd ever found themselves in, but it held more weight now. Because here and now, it was a promise. They were still in things together, no matter what secrets they kept, how much they fought. When it mattered, they would show up for each other. He hoped that in that promise she knew that now it was a two-way street. It always had been in Elliot's mind, but he would make an extra effort to show her now that she mattered to him. If she was willing to jump in with both feet, he would too.
Eli hadn't been where he said he would be. Elliot called out for him in anguish from the middle of the street, but he got no response. The fear and anger had taken root in his soul and he needed some kind of release. He was seconds from punching the brick wall of the building by the payphone when Olivia stepped in front of him and caught his hands.
"No, it won't help," she said, holding his fits in her palms.
"Liv," he pleaded, his eyes wet. She had to let him do this. She had to let him be angry. He couldn't take much more fear or despair.
"He's okay, I know he's okay," Olivia said. "I can feel it. He needs you to be clear-headed when you find him, especially if something is wrong."
She wasn't wrong. This wasn't about him. It was about Eli and his needs. Something was not right with his son, and as the parent, as he told his mother earlier, it was his responsibility to show up and be what his son needed him to unballed his fists and pulled Olivia by her waist full onto his body, burying his nose in her hair. His beautiful anchor when the world kept spinning out of control.
"I can't lose him," he said. "I can't lose any more of you. Please God, I can't."
"We will find him," she said, running her hands up his back in a calming manner. "Everything will be okay."
He couldn't let her go. He wouldn't. As long as Olivia stayed in his arms, as long as they were together and he kept saying silent prayers to God, and Kathy, and any saint that would listen, Eli would be okay. So he didn't let her go. They stood on that Jersey sidewalk for what could have been hours or days for all the hell Elliot knew. She never pulled away, just continued to draw patterns and shapes on his back in an effort to ground him. Eventually his phone rang and she pulled away, but he held tight to her wrist as he talked, not letting her leave him fully until he heard the news.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Hi, Detective Stabler?" the voice said. "This is Officer Lucas Buono with the Fort Lee Police Department. We have your son Eli Stabler here. He's fine, and he's not in any trouble, but we'd like you to come as soon as possible. We had to talk him off a ledge near the GW bridge. Quite a scare for my third day on the job."
"Can I have the address?" he asked, committing it to memory to type into his SUV GPS. "Thanks."
He could finally take a full breath when he hung up knowing that Eli was somewhere safe.
"He's at the police station," he said to Olivia. "He crawled over the side of a railing near the GW bridge and some rookie cop had to talk him down."
"But he's okay?" she asked, looking frightened.
"They've got him," Elliot said, leading her back to the car, holding the door for her to get in.
"Eli Stabler, where is he?" Elliot barked as he and Liv walked into the Fort Lee precinct.
A kid who barely looked old enough to drive introduced himself as officer Buono.
"Are you Eli's mother?" he'd asked, and Elliot was tempted to say yes if it meant she could stay with them as they moved forward. All he cared about was getting to Eli and keeping Liv by his side so he didn't totally lose it, or worse, screw up and make things worse for Eli. He knew he had a temper. He knew it flared when he was scared for his children and Liv could always recognize it and mostly temper it. He needed her there with him.
He'd gotten to the window, looked in and saw his boy wrapped in some crappy blanket and immediately asked if he could talk to him, to which Buono allowed.
He moved to the door, but Liv stayed where she was.
"Liv," he called to her. "Please."
Luckily, she didn't protest and followed him into the room.
Eli practically knocked over his chair jumping into Elliot's arms and he felt his heart break as his son croaked out another apology.
"There's no need to be sorry," Elliot said. "I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad."
He'd promised Eli they'd get help. That everything would be okay. Elliot looked at Olivia over Eli's shoulder, another one of his silent thank you's, grateful that he wasn't doing this alone. How could he have missed that Eli was suicidal? Why did he ever go undercover and leave this kid who needed him so much, to hide his demons in some mobster persona that made him sick to think about now?
"What's she doing here?" Eli asked when he turned around and saw Olivia. His tone was fearful, not exactly angry. But as bad as he felt for Eli, he would not apologize for bringing her to the precinct or into the room.
"She was concerned for you," Elliot said. It wasn't a lie.
"I'm just glad you're okay, Eli," Olivia said. "You gave us all quite a scare."
"I'm not okay," Eli admitted, and Elliot felt his breathing go shallow. He knew something wasn't right, beyond the obvious.
"Eli, whatever it is, it's gonna be okay," Olivia said, in a calm voice he knew she reserved for children and victims. "Why don't you just tell us where you were last night."
It all came out, with some less than gentle prodding between the two of them that made everything feel like an interrogation. He met a girl, they drank, took pills, He woke up and she was naked in the bedroom and dead. Olivia asked Eli if he'd had sex with the girl, and he said he didn't think so because he'd remember that. But booze and pills and a naked dead girl added up to a lot of cases he and Olivia had worked in SVU. Not to mention he didn't want to think about his 14-year-old having sex. They'd had the talk, he'd gotten Dickie to reinforce condoms every chance he could too, but not at 14. He and Kathy were bad enough at 17, but that was still three more years, and about 100 more years of maturity, away.
He was panicking about the drugs, and Elliot made sure he hadn't told anyone what happened. Olivia was on it. He knew as much. She got the details and left him, but it would be okay because she was going to go find the truth. If this even remotely looked like a sex crime she could weasle her way in and learn everything she could, because Elliot was damn sure his sweet son was not a killer, and he would go to the ends of the earth to prove it if he had to.
Once the Fort Lee PD got word of it they pulled Elliot from the room, but he stood where Eli could see him. He would not have his son think he was abandoning him, protocol be damned. And he was not giving consent for anyone to talk to him. And who in the damn hell was still a defense attorney in the city he could get for representation? Was Carolyn Maddox still practicing? Trevor Langan wasn't the most disgusting sleazebag out there. Then Liv called to tell him they thought it was murder and all he saw was red.
They were remanding Eli to Bergen General for a psych eval, which was a hell of a lot better than prison, and he would have had to go there anyway after climbing back over the ledge, but shit just kept going from bad to worse. Olivia had taken his keys. She wouldn't let him drive back to the city, and he was out of will to fight her. He collapsed back against the tailgate of the SUV.
"He didn't do it, Liv," Elliot said. "I know it sounds bad. The pills, the drinks, the girl. The fact that he doesn't remember, but I know my son. He used to cry at those ASPCA commercials that come up during YouTube videos. One time I caught him throwing all his shoes out his bedroom window down to the alley below our apartment and when I asked him why he was doing it, he told me he saw two kids out there the night before, digging through the garbage and they didn't have shoes, so if they came back they could take his because they needed them more than he did. Olivia, he didn't do this."
Elliot knew his eyes were filled with tears again, and he wondered how many times he'd cried in front of Olivia during their partnership and how many times it'd been since he'd been back. The second category definitely outweighed the first.
He felt her cool hands against either of his now bare cheeks. She straightened his head so he was looking at her and only at her.
"I know, Elliot," Olivia said. "I know he didn't do this. You don't have to prove it to me. We will get to the bottom of it. We know he's innocent and we'll make sure everyone else knows it too."
He closed his eyes and put his hands on top of hers on his face. He knew he didn't deserve this woman to be within a thousand miles of him after everything he'd done, but he would never tire of being grateful for her presence.
He'd worked with Jet, after winning over Bell, to dig into the girl and everything about the place her body had been found. Within minutes Jet had tracked down everything they needed to know and the witness was the killer. Eli was cleared. And after getting Jet to send everything to Fort Lee PD, he texted Liv, then called Fort Lee and demanded a date for his son's release from Bergen General. When he got it, he called Liv to ask her to come with him to pick Eli up from the hospital. She'd agreed.
"Are you sure," she asked when he picked her up before getting into his SUV.
"Never been more sure of anything," he said as she climbed in.
They found the floor and Elliot marched right up to the nurse's station.
"I'm here to pick up Eli Stabler," he said. "I'm told he's being released."
"You want the psych attending," the nurse said. "That would be Dr. Stutz."
"No. Miss, Miss?" Elliot said. "I want my son."
He just wanted Eli and wanted to get out of there. Hospitals were a trigger for him now after what happened with Kathy. Everything could be fine and then turn on a dime and he just wanted out of there. Olivia, as always, stepped in front of him and sweet talked to the nurse and got the job done. But the doctor wanted to speak with Elliot before they could see Eli and Marisol, the nurse, sent them to a waiting room until then. Elliot made his way to the coffee machine to pour them both cups while Olivia checked her phone.
"I want to know," he said, his back to her so he didn't have to see her initial reaction.
"Sorry?" she said.
"About what you've been through. The things I've missed," Elliot said, sliding her a cup of coffee which she declined, and he sat down. "Seeing anyone?"
He knew it was a bit of a push. Everything they could cover and this is where he began. But Fin said there had been a man who was kind of serious and it'd been nine months. He had always been a jealous son of a bitch. That wasn't news to her. He vetted every man she even blinked at as hard as he hounded his daughter's boyfriends. He had to know who the guy was and if he was still in the picture. He couldn't think about anything else regarding her until he knew for sure.
"Seriously?" she asked.
"Too awkward?" he asked, tossing her a playful look.
"Little bit," she answered. "But no, not at the moment."
Thank God, he thought. It would be hard enough to get back in her good graces without having to compete with some other man for her time. And whether or not this great love of her life was Noah's father or not, getting to know her son would be easier if Daddy wasn't still living with them.
"But you did?" he pressed.
"Well, it has been 10 years, Elliot," she said, clearly annoyed.
Yet again, he already knew this. Fin had said a few serious relationships, one was solid.
"About how many?" he asked, with a shy smile.
"What?" she questioned, as if she hadn't heard him right, but he knew she did.
Okay, so he was fishing for her body count the past 10 years. He used to be able to somewhat keep tabs on it based on how she dressed or if she ever cut out early, even if she never came right out and talked about the men in her life. But there was a decade-long void there and one important man he had to know about.
"About how many?" he repeated.
"Do you want to know my dating history, detective?" she asked, leaning on the back of a chair and looking right at him.
Again, this felt like an interrogation, but he wasn't backing down. In the past, he could never ask things like this for any reason other than being under the guise of worrying for her safety, and he could never do it outright. But now, he was single and she was thankfully single, it was a little hard to deny he was actually interested in her given his "I love you" moment. The fact that she wouldn't answer the question made it even more amusing. She never did take kindly to his jealous side.
"You're being evasive," he said, laughing, and putting a hand to his face.
It was funny to him how the tables were turning. She'd told him he hadn't asked her about her life, then questioned him about Angela just days ago and he told her it was none of her business. He'd asked her a simple question about how many men she'd dated in 10 years, and she wasn't budging either. Until she did.
"There was one who I thought might actually…" she started. "But I wasn't ready… and then Ed died."
Ed. So the great love of her life was named Ed. Olivia and Ed. It didn't sound terrible together. The letters E and O went together nicely. But Olivia and El sure had a much better ring to it. But he didn't like that she knew his pain, even more intimately than she'd let on. While she might not have been married to this Ed for thirty-some years, she was clearly more serious about him than any other man who had been in her life when they were partners. She understood the real, guttural ache of losing a part of yourself.
"Liv, I'm so sorry to hear that," he said.
He meant it, and he wished he could take that pain away for her. The knowing that you'd lost someone who meant so much to you but you couldn't bring them back. What she didn't know is he'd felt that twice in his life. Once, nine months ago when they put Kathy in the ground, and once 10 years ago when he handed Cragen his papers without telling her goodbye. Although he was getting his second chance at that one and he refused to screw it up again.
The doctor called them, addressed Elliot and turned to Olivia. He wondered if the doctor would assume Liv was Eli's mother too, like the cop. It wasn't out of the realm the way she was walking in with the "thank God my baby's okay" air about her. Plus, they kind of looked alike. Dark hair. Eli had darker eyes. But Olivia didn't let him jump to that conclusion, introducing herself yet again as a family friend. The doctor asked Elliot if he could speak freely and Elliot gave him the green light.
"I had a chance to spend some time with your son since he's been here," Dr. Stutz said. "He mentioned that both his grandmother and his sister are bipolar."
"Eli is not bipolar," Elliot said.
He knew this certainly. After Kathleen's diagnosis he'd spent hours staying up at night and reading everything about how bipolar disease can manifest, the signs in children, any red flags. And while compulsory behavior, oversexuality, and drug use were common signs, they were brand new symptoms for Eli that never arose until his life had been rocked with tragedy.
"Well, I'm not suggesting that," Dr. Stutz said. "Now the reason I wanted to speak with you was, while Eli might not be suicidal, he may not even be an immediate risk, he is manifesting real signs of severe anxiety."
"Well, yeah, he was charged with a murder that he didn't commit so…" Elliot said.
Elliot kind of hated doctors, just like his mother. Especially shrinks. Always stating the obvious. He heard Olivia's gentle warning, the tone she always used that meant "Quit being an ass and be nice."
"Okay, so severe anxiety," Elliot said, taking her gentle warning and backing off a bit.
"When your son was on that ledge he was devastated by the possibility that he may have been in some way responsible for Mia's death," Dr. Stutz said. "But he was just as upset, perhaps more frightened and upset, by the thought of how his father… you… might react."
The air got thicker around them.
"Are you saying he's afraid of me?" Elliot asked.
It was as if his life was flashing before his eyes. All the times Elliot had been so afraid of his father, his hand, his belt. How he'd hide from him, run away, do anything he could to avoid whatever wrath awaited him when Joe Stabler was in a mood. Could he be doing the same to Eli? But Elliot never would have leapt into Joe's arms the way Eli did to him at the precinct.
"No, no, no," Dr. Stutz said. "He's afraid for you. He told me how much you've been through and he's just not sure how much more you can take."
Elliot felt like he went deaf after the words left the doctor's mouth. Eli wasn't bipolar. He wasn't even suicidal. Eli was concerned for him. He was taking on all of Elliot's pain and hurt and making it his own. And he felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. His job was supposed to protect his son, make him feel safe, not hurt him. And here he was, no better than what Joe and Bernie had done to him all those years ago.
He felt Olivia's hand gently on his back, both giving him stability and pushing him forward. He needed to go to Eli. He would make this better. He wouldn't make Eli handle these feelings alone anymore.
Elliot asked her to come with him to hear the witness-turned-killer's confession since she'd been there from the beginning. She agreed, like he'd expected, because she never liked to leave a case unsolved.
They'd been leaving the Jersey precinct, hopefully for the last time, when Elliot grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. He'd done it once before, the day Eli was born, as she went to walk away from him, but he pulled her back for a hug, their first hug.
"Thank you for being there again when I needed you," he said.
She tried to stop him, brush it off again, but he wouldn't let her. Not this time. He was done letting her run and hide, and he was done being a coward. She needed to know how much everything she did for him and the family meant to him. No more letters written by someone else. No more deleted voicemails. Just the truth.
"No," Elliot said. "I want to find balance here in this. Whatever this is."
Whatever this is. He didn't want to put a label on it until he knew where she stood. He didn't want to scare her away when they were finally, finally back on the same page, or at the very least, in the same book.
"How about we call it a friendship," she said, with a small smile. "How's that for now?"
He couldn't hide the smile from his face. Friend-zoned, but "for now" as she put it. That meant hope. That meant they were friends again which meant he had recovered some ground from where they'd been in the last almost 11 years. Even if "friend" was all he'd ever be to her, it was a hell of a lot more than he deserved. And he wasn't going to miss the opportunity to show her just what a "friendship" with him could be these days.
"Hey my friend Olivia," Elliot said in the softest voice he'd probably ever used in his life.
His own voice sounded foreign with him. It was sticky sweet like syrup. It was so much more flirty than he'd really intended, but she brought that out in him. He was high on her (thankfully not some weird ass drug this time) and she deserved to hear just how she made him feel.
"I'd like you and your son Noah to come on over to my place this weekend for a family Christmas get-together. Please."
He knew it was a risk. A family event. A holiday. Inviting Noah too. It was a lot of big milestones in a few little sentences. If they'd come, it meant things were really better between them. Things could start to be like old times, but maybe with a little (or a lot) more physical contact.
Oh hell, who was he kidding. He just asked her on a date and he felt sixteen again, hoping his crush would let him take her to the biggest dance of the year.
"I just need to think about it, okay?" she said, but a beautiful smile crossed her face, her voice rose an octave, and she sounded choked up. "But I'll let you know. Can I let you know?"
He couldn't tell if she thought it was a date. Clearly, the invitation caught her off guard and she initially looked like she was going to say no. But "I'll think about it" came out, and he would take it. But not without one more prod.
"Just come," he'd whispered in a voice even softer than the first, a prayer of a plea that he wanted her around in both good times and bad, forever.
He'd had to deal with Wheatley again, and even go question Angela about her daughter's involvement in cryptocurrency, but both were just sideshows to the two main events warring in his mind right now: getting Eli better, and hoping Noah and Liv came to Christmas.
He'd gotten with Eli the morning before the Christmas party, just to talk. Eli had apologized for not coming to the verdict, wanted to know a little more about what would happen next, but then he pulled back.
"I want it to stop," Eli said. "I don't want to have to think about it anymore."
"Me too," Elliot admitted.
This was the worst side of the criminal justice system. When you know someone is guilty, or that someone has to be held responsible, but the fate of it all goes into the hands of 12 idiots who may or may not understand what's at stake. It's bad enough to be the cop and have to tell a victim that that's just the way the court's go. But to tell your own kid that his mother may never get justice? It's unthinkable.
"I know it won't bring Mom back," Eli said. "I just want to be with you and my family."
"Me too," Elliot said again.
He'd lost his way, but this is where he belonged. It was where he always belonged. With his kids and his mother in New York. Kathy belonged with them, but he couldn't change the past. Olivia belonged with them too, and now Noah. He didn't know how the rest of the family would feel about that, but it was true, and he would do what he had to do to convince them.
"You're here now, right?" Eli asked.
It was a plea. Please don't leave me, Dad. I need you.
"Yeah, I have a meeting this morning," Elliot said. "I'll be here the rest of the day. Week. Month. All right?"
Forever was implied. No more Rome. No more UC. Elliot Stabler was a family man. He belonged with his family, and that for always, is where he would stay, from now on.
Later that night, while all the kids were over, hauling there baking supplies, and decorations, and mountains of crap for the Christmas party, he let them in on what he'd done.
"Uh, guys," he said, addressing the family in the living room. "I kinda invited someone to Christmas."
"Olivia," Eli said.
"Yeah, and her son," Elliot said. "How did you know?"
"You invited her to come pick me up from the psych ward," Eli said. "Why wouldn't you invite her to come eat ham and roast Carl for being a dork?"
Maureen swatted her brother on the arm.
"Olivia came to pick me up at the psych ward once too," Kathleen said. "Then she sat with me at Rikers until the guards kicked her out and came back with Grandma to convince me to plead guilty and take meds. I owe a lot to her."
"What the hell?" Elliot said, his head spinning. "You mean she… and you… that's how you knew her?"
"That was supposed to be a secret, dear," Bernie said to Kathleen.
"Grandma, it was years ago," Kathleen said. "You live here now. I think Dad can know you helped me get help."
"Yeah well he doesn't need to know about the pictures I showed his lovely partner," Bernie said.
Something Olivia said at Kathleen's hearing came back to him. "Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot."
"You showed her the Thanksgiving pageant picture didn't you?" he asked.
"Oh, I'm old," Bernie said. "I don't think I remember exactly."
Elliot scoffed.
"So you invited Liv and her kid," Dickie said, trying to bring the conversation back around.
"Um, yeah," Elliot said. "That okay?"
"Olivia is family, Daddy," Lizzie said. "You and Mom always said when our friends came to the house you'd treat them like family. Whether that meant feeding them or punishing them, or making sure they knew someone cared about them. I think your friends should get the same treatment."
"You're all okay with it?" Elliot asked.
"Dad, you told her you loved her at the intervention," Maureen said. "This isn't some big secret."
"I didn't mean…" Elliot said trailing off.
"Yeah, Dad, you did," Kathleen said.
"It's a little weird, being so close after Mom died," Maureen said. "But she's done nothing but look out for all of us as long as we've known her. It's okay."
"I hit the kid lottery," Elliot said.
"Good for you," Bernie said. "Because I sure didn't."
"Mama," Elliot said, mock offended.
"What? I meant with your brothers and sisters," Bernie said. "Never you, honey."
"So what time are they coming tomorrow?" Dickie asked.
"Well, she hasn't said yes yet," Elliot said.
"He's been out of the game too long guys," Kathleen said. "He forgot how to ask a woman out on a date."
"It's not a date," Elliot said.
"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Dad," Lizzie said. "How old is her son? I can't wait to squish him. You know how I love kids."
"I think he's about eight," Elliot said. "Perfect age to talk your ear off, Liz."
The kids moved on to another topic and Elliot felt encouraged that they were okay with Olivia and Noah being around. Now all Olivia had to do was say yes.
He was beginning to think she was just going to ignore it all, until his phone chimed before bed.
"Noah says he wants to meet the Stablers," it read. "What time tomorrow?"
"3 p.m." Elliot answered. "Wear something festive."
He tried to calm his thoughts about how what he wanted her in as festive and what would qualify as festive for a family party might not be the exact same thing. He didn't feel right ending the conversation there.
"Thank you, my friend, for saying yes," Elliot's sent. "I can't wait to meet the most important man in your life, Noah."
And it was true. He knew Noah would be every good part of Olivia all wrapped up in childlike wonder, and he couldn't wait to be a part of it and know the little man who meant everything to his partner. The baby she'd always dreamed of, who she always deserved, even when the adoption agencies couldn't see it.
"He can't wait to meet you either," Olivia responded. "Goodnight, El; see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Liv," he responded, adding the Christmas tree and kissy face emojis which were probably crossing a line, but he was so deliriously happy they were coming, he didn't care.
That was hours ago, and try as he might, Elliot just couldn't drift off. Olivia was his friend again. He'd meet her son. They would slowly rebuild everything he blew up 10 years and nine months ago.
He tried to close his eyes and pictured what Olivia and Noah would be wearing when he opened the door and saw them standing in the hallway. He imagined how he'd take their coats and get to brush along Liv's back and arms as he helped her out of it. He thought about Noah's first conversation with Kathleen and Eli, and how Maureen would let him sneak a cookie before dinner even when she'd tell Tommy and Davey they had to wait. He saw his mother hugging Olivia like the old friends they apparently were, and how her smile glowed brighter in the lights of the Christmas tree. He'd been just about to picture their lips meeting on the terrace under the glow of the lights and the stars when he finally fell asleep and into blissful dreams.
A/N: Again, this is meant to flow right into Quiet Moments. Don't think I'll do a Pt. 2 on that because that was meant to be all about Olivia and Eli. I am standing firm in that Liv and Noah came to the party after Bell. Elliot's "they're here" rings like he knew they were coming, not like "Oh my gosh I can't believe they actually came." I don't care if I'm wrong. I gotta hold on to that to get me into 2022 because I won't be seeing extended family or friends this year due to the state of the sucky world, so dang it, our faves should get to spend it together, if only in my stories.
Someone also asked in the comments how I can write these stories so fast. I have no life. I live in these parallel universes. Lol.
