She didn't see him for five more days after the night her confusion set in and now she was overwhelmed with worry. She couldn't stop thinking about him and what she would say to him once she did, or whether he knew or not. Sirius might have said something...
"Aby..."
Asbynthe tilted her head up just slightly. Sirius was looking down at her, smiling as usual. She made a grunting sort of noise and slammed her head back down on the library table.
"I would have thought you'd never set foot in the library," she said softly.
"Well, usually I don't," Sirius said, running his hands through his hair, "but I figured you might be hiding here so I figured it'd be worth it."
"Damn," Absynthe said, rolling her head away from his gaze, "looks as if I'll have to find someplace new..."
"What was that?" Sirius asked.
Absynthe mumbled incoherent words of some sort then suddenly stood up, gathering up her things which she hadn't even touched. She wasn't really hiding from Sirius, she was hiding from many people. Trying to hide from herself really. It seemed as if her common room would be the only place where her friends couldn't really reach her being as they weren't in the same house. Yes, she would head for the Ravenclaw common room and lock herself away in her bed. She brushed passed Sirius and began walking towards the exit.
"Where is it you're going now?" Sirius asked, following close behind.
"To bed." Absynthe said as she continued to walk, this time at a faster pace.
"But Aby, it's only 3 o'clock, why on earth..." Sirius began.
Absynthe swung around suddenly, nearly knocking Sirius to the ground and her temper suddenly flared. "I've told you before Sirius Black to quit calling me Aby. I don't like it and I could care less if that's what you used to call me when we were younger because we're not anymore so stop it. Second, I'm going there to get away from you and everyone else so I'd very much appreciate if you stay exactly where you are while I walk this way." She paused for a moment and began to walk again this time without the sound of someone following her. 'Thank goodness,' she thought and slowed her pace to a slow crawl. She was staring at the floors beneath her feet, paying no particular attention to anything. Just thoughts. Thoughts about Remus and Sirius. She couldn't believe the mess she had gotten herself into. She tried to focus on the what-if's of the situation but then realized it was her own damn fault, really. Now she needed to think of what to say to Remus when she saw him. Part of her was slightly glad that she hadn't seen him in awhile because she hadn't figured out what to say and knew she would be stopped dead in her tracks if she did.
The sound of footsteps were once again behind her. She swung back again, this time ready to strike that bastard for even thinking about following her again, "Dammit Sirius, why is it you never..."
But it wasn't Sirius. "Hello," Remus said. He sounded quite tired, as if he'd been in bed for a long period of time.
"Oh. Sorry, I thought you were... yeah," Absynthe mumbled.
"I'm sorry I haven't seen you in awhile, I've been feeling a bit under the weather and wasn't really allowed to leave bed for anything," Remus said with a kind smile on his face.
Something was wrong and she knew it. It wasn't that he knew what had happened, but she knew something had changed. Not only in her, but in him as well. The spark wasn't fully there as it was before, something was holding it back. She knew why it wasn't there for her, what she had done with Sirius and all the things she had felt with him, but why Remus?
"Happens to the best of us, I suppose," Absynthe said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Are you heading back to your common room?" Remus asked and she nodded, "Well I won't keep you then, I suppose I'll see you tom-"
"No." Absynthe interrupted. "We have to talk now and you know it. I can tell there's something you're not telling me. Something more about being sick, it wasn't just that was it?"
Remus just smiled, "It's not that big of a deal, I promise, but what else was there to talk about."
She started to go red in the face. She was entirely unprepared for this, but then again who was ever prepared for life in general. She started to open her mouth, started to explain but at that moment Lily rounded the corner, in an overly cheerful type of mood and nearly crashed into the two of them.
"Oh! Absynthe, Remus, sorry didn't see you there, I was actually looking for you guys. James said that there was something he needed to discuss with you Remus, I hope it's nothing to do with all that prankster crap Sirius was going on about on the train earlier this year," Lily said, her face getting rather sterner sounding as she went on. "And Absynthe, I hope you're not heading to you common room, I ran into Sirius not too long ago, he's pretty worried about you. Said something about feeling bad for making you cry and dancing with you or something, but he wants to talk with you as well," Lily said, back to her cheery voice.
Absynthe's heart suddenly dropped to the floor as she saw the look on Remus' face when Lily said those last few words. "I..."
Lily interrupted Absynthe, much to her dismay and said the words she could nearly kill Lily for saying in front of Remus, "I hope you didn't kiss him that night, the poor boy's absolutely in love with you and you always act like you hate him."
Absynthe started to clench her fists. It wasn't Lily's fault, really, and Absynthe couldn't blame her for saying all this, after all she never told her anything about Remus. But she couldn't help feeling angry enough to hit her.
"Well, I'd better go find James," Remus said, his voice much more solemn and quieter than usual, yet he still smiled. He turned to walk the other way. Absynthe had no idea what to do. She couldn't just let him walk away after hearing all that with no explanation but he didn't want anyone to know about them being together, or were they really? Even she wasn't sure in her own mind. If thoughts could pile up and burst she was sure her brain would be splattered on the wall by now.
"No," Absynthe grabbed him by the arm and pulled him close to her. She could feel him clench up, as if in pain, but still didn't let go. "It's not what you think, or maybe it is," she could hear herself beginning to talk very fast now, "I was just dancing with him, as friends and something happened, something inside that I shouldn't have felt, but I did and I went crazy in my own head and stepped outside and well, yes I started to cry and he followed me out and kissed me but it didn't really mean anything, oh I'm such a liar, it did but I knew it shouldn't and that's what I needed to talk to you about, "Absynthe was completely in tears now and she knew her probably looked like the worlds biggest fool, yet she kept going, "I just don't know anymore Remus. What are we?"
Absynthe collapsed on the floor in tears. Lily moved suddenly as if to help her up, but Absynthe just pushed her away. She was sure Lily was pretty mad at her right now for not telling her things friends should. Not to mention Remus, who just had all this confusing information hurtled at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered through tears.
Remus bent down on his knees and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not really sure myself, Absynthe. There are some things about myself I haven't really told and still this isn't the time and place to tell you so, I apologize for keeping you in the dark like this but you have to understand I really don't have a choice. And that's not fair to you at all, I realize which is why I can understand why what happened did. Not that it doesn't make me sad to hear all that, but still I can't blame you or Sirius. I suppose we just should have told everyone and this might have never happened," he said, "Or maybe we shouldn't have happened at all."
Absynthe choke on tears and stood up, "Why is it I can't do anything right?" She turned and ran around the corner before anyone could move or say another thing.
Lily stood there completely stunned. How could she not have noticed anything. Of course, now it explains why they both seemed to disappear around the same time and what they were always doing. But still, why hadn't she known, and why hadn't Absynthe said anything. They were good friends after all, "Remus, I had no idea," Lily said.
"Neither did I," Sirius said, stepping from around the corner, "and I'm sorry for all of this. I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry that this all started." His face was rather redder than usually as if quite anger, but you could tell he was trying his best to hold back.
"Don't be," Remus said quietly, "It was our own fault, well mine really. I didn't want to say anything to any of you because of- well, Sirius you can guess why."
"That's a stupid reason to keep how you feel quiet and you know it, I suppose you haven't even told her anything have you?" Sirius said raising his voice slightly.
"Of course not, and don't get mad about it, you couldn't understand. You, James and Peter are my best friends, naturally you excepted me, but how could a girl that I like. It's not safe for her anyways," Remus said.
"I'm sorry for intruding, but what on earth are you two babbling about?" Lily demanded, putting her hands to her hips.
"Nothing," Remus and Sirius said simultaneously.
"Nothing my ass," Lily said furiously, "Am I not your friend as well? I don't see why I should be left in the dark about whatever it is you two are talking about and I can't believe you would think I would judge you no matter what you're talking about!"
"You wouldn't understand," Remus said.
"Try me," Lily raised her eyebrow.
Sirius looked at Remus, he was shaking his head slightly completely unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry Remus, but she's right. As much as I think James is an idiot for dating her, Lily isn't a bad person and seeing as she's forced her way into our group, I think she'll understand. Lily, he's a werewolf," Sirius blurted out.
Remus looked down, expecting anything other than what she said, "You're kidding? That's what you've been babbling about, as if I didn't notice before. Geez, I thought it was something important." Lily eased down a bit, "You're such a drama queen for thinking that something like that would bother Absynthe."
Remus smiled slightly but Sirius suddenly looked gloomier at the mention of her name. "I told you so," Sirius said.
"Still," Remus said his face losing its' smile, "It isn't safe and I think it's up to her what happens next. I just don't think it's fair to her at all. I mean, when it comes to her and I. You can tell her if you want, but I'd still rather not and just let it go at this. It's not worth it," Remus finished and slid his hands into his pockets and turned away.
They watched him walk away and both Sirius and Lily stood there in complete silence, unsure of what to say next. Sirius leaned himself against the wall and put his face into his hands.
"I think this is too big of a mess," Sirius mumbled.
"Well," Lily said, "Do you like her?"
Sirius brought his head out of his hands and gave her an odd look as if to say, 'why else would all of this have happened if I didn't?'.
"I mean really like her Sirius as in, more than just a fling because don't think I haven't heard the rumors about you and your million girls," Lily said with a mocking smile on her lips.
"It was more like 25," Sirius said.
Lily laughed for a moment, "Remus is right. You two have gotten yourself into a rather large mess and it really depends on what Absynthe wants to do. That and how much you two really care about her. It probably sucks to hear that, but I'm afraid that's what it comes down to."
Sirius remained quiet for a moment before straightening himself away from the wall, "We should get back you know?"
"Yes," Lily agreed.
The two turned the corner and walked back to their common room in complete silence.
