The Psychic Detective
By JapanCat
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.
This one's for anyone who liked Yusuke the Detective.
Reference note:
Yusuke's voice over
normal stuff
"Speech"
'Thought'
Nya!
Man, it feels good to be in the office again! I feel so good that I think I might solve a case... In... Five more weeks or weeks...
"I miss you desk!" Yusuke hugged it in a strange ectasty. "I missed you X-files even though you had nothing to do with the story which might have pissed off some of the readers..." Hug. "I missed you Kurama!" Hug. "I missed you Hiei!" Hug.
"Yusuke we see each other everyday. And stop hugging me," Hiei growled and shoved the detective away.
"WHO ASKED YOU!" Yusuke growled. "I even missed Mukuro!"
Mukuro hissed at him. The phone suddenly rang.
"What?" Mukuro answered it.
"Hey... I wanted to say that if you find a rabid squirrel in your desk it wasn't me..." Kuronue mumbled on the other side of the phone before he hung up.
"Rabid...?" Mukuro opened the desk in curiousity but was then attacked by a rabid squirrel. "AUGH!"
Everyone raised an eyebrow, not only at the fact that Mukuro was letting the squirrel attack her, but the noise coming from outside the door.
"What's going on out there?" Kurama asked.
Hiei kicked the door open and grabbed Raizen by the hair as he asked the demon, "Hey, what's going on?"
"I dunno, but some weird guy with a pacifier's about to jump off the roof! It's gonna be awesome!" Raizen waved his arms around as he ran away.
"What's that half wit Koenma pulling now?"
Everyone-except Mukuro-ran out.
"Yeah... I'm just gonna lay here and bleed for a while..." Mukuro groaned.
Squirrel: If this goes on, I want a bigger part...
The Roof
"I will show everyone I can fly!" Koenma cheered.
"Hold the phone! Whaddya mean show everyone you can fly! I know you might be an idiot, but not that idiotic!" Yusuke argued.
"Whatever..."
"Be reasonable! You know you can't fly!" Kurama also argued.
"Ho ho ho! (Santa!) That's where you're wrong, Kurama! I can so fly! Watch me!" Koenma jumped off the roof and flew around. "I can fly! Take that Kurama! To New York! Away!"
"If he can do it, I can fly, too!" Kuwabara ran to the edge of the roof.
"You moron! Don't..." Yomi couldn't fininsh.
Kuwabara jumped. "Whee! No, wait! I'M NOT FLYING! I'M FALLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!"
Shura looked down and turned green.
"You mean he..." Yukina couldn't bring herself to finsh, afraid to here the words, he's dead.
"KUWABARA, THAT SHIRT DOES NOT GO WITH THOSE PANTS!" Shura yelled to the teen.
Long blanks stares. "...Whatever."
Hiei: (sigh) Only in an anime...
Hospital
Kuwabara laid in the hospital bed for what felt like an eternity to his friends. When Kuwabara had awoken from his coma, he had facial hair, or in short, a beard. He looked around at the strange place he was in.
"Where... Where am I?" Kuwabara stared at the doctor.
"You're in the hospital," the doctor answered simply.
"How... How long have I been here?"
"For a long time- two days. Let's remove this facial heater." He pulled the beard off Kuwabara's face.
"Ouch!" He rubbed his chin.
"Now to check your pulse..."
"What am I here for?"
"You jumped off a building and went into a coma. Where did I put that stupid stethoscope?"
"Probably in your pocket."
He reached into his pocket. "Why... You're absolutely right."
The nurse asked, "Doctor, what's for lunch?"
"Probably some nasty health food like granola bars and rice pudding," Kuwabara grumbled loud enough for everyone to hear.
Another nurse walked in, "Here's your lunch, Mr. Kuwabara. Granola bars and rice pudding!"
"That's nasty!"
"That's creepy!" Hiei growled.
"Gya! Where'd you come from!" Kuwabara screamed.
"We heard you came out of your coma so then we came," Kurama explained, Yusuke nodding in argeement.
The doctor put his hands on Hiei's shoulders. "I think your friend is psychic!"
"Why are you telling me this? Why should I care?" Hiei asaked sarcastically. "I don't care. What'd you have for lunch today?"
"Hm... Some roast beef, a chicken, a pizza..." the doctor replied.
"You disgust me," Hiei growled and then Kuwabara threw the rice pudding at his head. "You...! Hey, this is pretty good..." He licked the bowl.
"That's gross! Don't you know what they put in hospital food?" Yusuke growled, turning slightly green.
"Don't you know what I've been putting in your lunch?"
"No, what?"
No answer.
"What!"
None.
"WHAT!"
Me: (is listening to Panic! At The Disco)
The Next Day At Yusuke's Office
"I don't care what they say. You're not psychic!" Hiei growled, digging into someone's lunch bag.
"He's a doctor! How can I not believe him!" Kuwabara argued.
"Shigure is a doctor. Do you believe a word he says?' He pointed at Shigure who was dancing to "I'm too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.
"So...?"
"Okay, if you're so psychic, why don't you tell me what I brought for lunch today?"
"Probably something nasty like you always do."
"Shut up and tell me."
"I hate to say it, but Hiei's right. It's common knowledge that doctors have stethoscopes in their pockets," Kurama said.
"Yeah, and shigure likes to eat gronola bars and rice pudding, too. Proof that hospitals always feed people that," Yusuke added.
"Shigure didn't work at hospital," Hiei replied.
"Who asked you!"
"Yeah, and it's also common knowledge that Hiei always eats nasty crap," Mukuro added.
"SHUT UP YOU..." Kuwabara was interrupted.
"Finish that and I'll make you watch this." She held up a Dragonball GT DVD.
"Ack!" He hid.
"Kuwabara, those were guesses. Anybody can guess and look like a genius. I mean, some of these scientists could be doing it and we might not know it. But would we know? No because they're the smart people and they plan to rule us all. Stupid people..." Hiei growled.
"Grr..." Kuwabara growled and slapped Hiei.
Hiei was shocked. Then he slapped the taller guy back.
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
Slap!
Mukuro threw them both in the dumpster.
Kuronue threw karasu in the mailbox. "That's for that squirrel you put in Mukuro's desk, punk!"
"Help!" Karasu cried. "There's Shounen Jump in this issue and it's got Yugi on the cover! And there's no Kurama in this issue!"
"No Kurama!" the Kurama fangirls cried and beat up Karasu as if it were his fault. (...Then again, I think many Kurama fangirls have come to hate the guy...)
"Can I join in?" Raizen asked and then threw Hiei and Kuwabara out the window. He laughed with joy when he saw them hit the dumpster under the window! "Hiei and Kuwabara fall down go boom!"
Mukuro sighed and turned on Gravitation. "This is the effect of Shigure being put in the anime in the first place. Kuwabara isn't psychic. It's that simple. If he were psychic, he would tell everyone that I'm not a natual red head but really blonde."
Yusuke was too busy staring at Yuki and Shuichi on TV to be shocked by the news. "Whooaa..."
"Are you serious?" Hiei gasped.
"It spooked me when I heard about it, too..." Kuwabara quickly.
"Don't fake it," Mukuro grunted.
Yomi swung the door open and ran in, panting. "Everyone! You'll never guess what happened!"
"Kurama cut his hair?" Raizen asked.
"No."
"Shura'll stop appearing?"
'No."
"You gave up on Mukuro so we can hang out again?"
"NO! I'll never give up on my Mukuro!" He was about to glomp the lone female in the room (Truthfully!) but she whacked him with Botan's bat. "Ow... No. I was going to say..."
The phone rang and Mukuro answered it. "What?"
It was Yuki Sohma. "Uh... PLEASE I MUST HAVE MY MASCULINITY! AS WE SPEAK TO EACH OTHER, I AM WEARING A DRESS! FEEL MERCY! MERCY ME, SIR!"
Oh, that hurts... "I'M A WOMAN! QUIT CALLING!" She slammed the phone and then it rang again.
It was Kyo Sohma. "Help... I have to stare at that damn rat in a dress..."
Mukuro hung up on him, too. There was a long silence.
"So... What were you saying?" Yusuke asked Yomi.
"There's a murder!" Yomi cried over dramatically. "MUKURO, HOLD ME! I AM IN NEED OF COMFORT!"
"GO TO THE NOTH POLE WHERE YOU BELONG AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" Mukuro whacked him again.
Shigure: Still too sexy!
Site of the murder...! (drama!)
"Yikes..." Rinku's eye started to twitch.
"Cool!" Jin cheered.
Shura poked the body with a stick.
"Everybody, move over! Psychic coming in!" Kuwabara shoved Toguro out of his way and walked through the crowd like he was on a mission.
"You're not psychic! Get over yourself. Yusuke's the detective here anyway so he can decide whether you can be a psychic detective or not, which he won't. So he and he alone will solve the case," Hiei growled and folded his arms across his chest. He turned to Kurama. "Who was it?"
"Grr..." Kuwabara slapped him. (Not again! -.-;;)
Hiei slapped him back. The two suddenly had a random wussy slap fight where all they do is slap each other's hands.
"CHILDREN!" Yusuke screamed.
Kuwabara suddenly stopped, leaving Hiei waving his hands around because he still had yet to realize the fight was over, "WHOA! I just had a vision! Ice cream... Sprinkles. Whipped cream. Chocolate sauce! A CHERRY ON TOP!"
"The ice cream man? Rando?" Botan gasped.
"Rando, you're under arrest!" Kuronue cried as he pointed at the red head.
"NO! You'll never catch me alive!" Rando began using a shrinking spell, but everybody-except Hiei-covered their ears.
Hiei, who just realized Kuwabara stopped fighting, looked around, "Wha...? No! I'm shrinking..."
"You owe me five dollars, Father," Shura said smugly to his dumbfounded father.
Raizen: Crap! I ran out of hair spray! (kicks can)
The News That Night...
"Hi, this is Koto," Koto said with a smile.
"And this is Juri," Juri said with a smile.
"You're watching (oh boy...) RGFOCNN. Our top story: The killer of... guy with a funny name has been captured. Tokyo can go home in peace now."
"In other news, no one cares about you Koto."
Koto poured Gatorade on Juri's head.
"NO! THE CARBS! THEY... THEY BURN ME! I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!" Juri melted.
"This is RGFOCNNWALOV. Thankyou for watching. Oh, and don't forget to tune into the sitcom ARSSTIWTLTNOMFGTITDLIHMFTN! Goodnight."
Kurama: (puts butterfly net on Hiei's head) Gotcha!
Kuwabara
Kuwabara was watching the news when there was a knock at the door.
He answered it, "Huh? Suzaku?"
"Congradulations, Kuwabara! You gain the honor of being psychic detective!" Suzaku stabbed him with a star. "OHMYGOD! IT'S AMOST SIX! I'LL BE LATE FOR MY RYUICHI SAKUMA CONCERT!" He ran away.
Kuwabara slammed the door behind him. "AUGH! I'MBLEEDINGI'MBLEEDING!" (Translation: Augh! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!)
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!" Shizuru screamed.
There was another knock at the door. "What?"
It was The Seven, who invited themselves in.
"What are you doing here?"
"You can't become a psychic detective," Sensui said.
"Why not?"
"You didn't fill out the application on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty- five dollars," Itsuki explained.
"So?"
"Do it," Dr. Kamiya ordered him.
Kuwabara hissed at him. "Besides that you're a doctor! What do you care? And that Gamemaster guy's too young to have a real job!"
"I am so old enough!" Amanuma growled.
"Do as we tell you! ...Please?" Mitarai added.
Kuwabara frowned. "No way!"
"Then we must settle this with a psychic battle!" Sensui cried. Everybody closed their eyes and made weird sound effects.
Shizuru stomped in. "What's going on in here?"
"Sis! Get down!" Kuwabara knocked her down. "Oh, I'm having a hard time fighting them off."
"Ow..."
Shura: All this space for me:)
The News
"This just in- There is a copycat killer of the Tokyo Killer," Koto said.
"Police are investigating this," Juri added.
...This is really kinda annoying...
The office
"WHAT!" Yusuke screamed, half choking on his horribly disgusting lunch. "I thought it was Rando!"
"Kuwabara's not psychic, you moron," Hiei growled in reply. "It has to be someone else but we don't know it..."
"But who could it be...?" Kurama thought.
"There's only one way to find out!" Hiei stood up in his chair, a look on his face like he was on a mission. "We'll have to look in Mukuro's secret box!" He ran out... like he was still on a mission.
Yusuke gave the door Hiei just ran out of a long blank stare.
"Is it me or is this making less and less sense?" Kurama mumbled to himself.
Random fan: This is awesome!
Mukuro glanced into her secret box for random (and possibly disturbing) entertainment. "Heh heh heh..."
Hiei broke the door. "Mukuro! I'm gonna have to look in your secret box!"
She raised an eyebrow. "Why should I let you look in there? And for that matter, was it necessary to break that door...?"
"Hey, do you want the murders solved or not?"
"...You can't. This box is the biggest secret of secretness of secretdom." Drama. "No one must know of the secret of the is box! No one! Not even... That tree you always sleep in." She eyed a tree nearby that shifted to the side when she mentioned that.
"I'll tell you my secrets."
Mukuro gave the smaller demon a long blank stare.
Hiei whispered, "Did you know you're my best friend?"
"No way."
Karasu: (explodes)
Somewhere in Japan, Kurama screamed. "The pain! My heart feels rejected!"
Yomi: (dumbfounded)
"That it?" Mukuro asked
"Well..." Hiei thought for a while. "Secretly, I'm a little bit naive."
"Gee, tell me something I didn't know."
"Ugh... Well, I like my job working with Yusuke. I have an overdue book. I like reading yaoi from time to time even though it really grosses me out sometimes. I like jelly on both sides of my toast. I really like the band N sync but wish there was a Harpo. In fact I'm writing their next song right now... It kinda goes something like... Anyway, I like dancing to elevator music. The white spikes in my hair aren't naturally white. In fact, I'm not a natural brunet. My eyes are really brown but I wear contacts to make them appear red. I still don't have my driver's license. I sleep with my shoes on. And I'm wearing three pairs of pants right now!" Pant, pant.
"...Was that supposed to impair my judgment?"
"...Yeah?"
"Whatever." She walked away. "Retard." (She's mildly disturbed.)
Rejection! And Hiei stood there broken hearted, teary eyed... and also mildly disturbed about half of the things he said.
Kuronue: (sunshine, flowers, hearts, teddy bears)
Site of new murder
"The left hand's been cut off?" Yusuke blinked with curiosity.
"Didn't you know? They always do that," Kurama replied.
"Silence!" Kuwabara hissed. "A vision must come and it can't come with you talking into my vision bubble!"
"Kuwabara, you're being ridiculous. I know for a fact that it couldn't have been Rando. The only way he kills people is with his repulsive food," Touya growled, his arms folded across his chest. "He wouldn't do this."
"Oh yeah? How do you explain my visions?"
"Maybe you're gaining weight."
"If I'm gaining weight, it's from muscle or brains!"
"Don't flatter yourself. Hiei, tell him he's wrong." He turned to the small demon and raised an eyebrow. "...Hiei?"
Hiei didn't say anything because he was in a dilemma of his own. He stood in the middle of eating his ice cream, the spoon still in his mouth, teary eyed. He was earned many long blank stares.
Then a shadowy person appeared dressed in a trench coat, hat and sunglasses. His eyes shifted to Kurama as he lurked in the shadows, possibly plotting something horrible...
"...I see it..." Kuwabara mumbled. "Fried chicken! No! They're putting ice cream on it! A cherry! No... Make it stop!"
Hiei mumbled, "I could use a hug right now..."
"How shameful. You're acting like Kuwabara," Touya spat.
"No, that requires orange cones and poo flining," Suzuka replied.
"But who could it be...?" Kuwabara thought, trying to get everyone's attention back to him.
The shadowy person gained the courage to go to Kurama. "Hey... You wanna see my leopard print thong?"
Kurama turned green. "I'd rather not..."
The shadowy person removed his trench coat to reveal it was Karasu! "Look! Heee..."
"Karasu, put that away! If none of the fangirls wanted to see that, what made you think I would!"
'Wait, he was at the last site,' Kurama thought.
Touya looked behind him to see what the commotion was about. "KARASU, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"
"Hee hee hee..." Karasu waved a hand around that was bloody that he had to have cut off before he ran away. (Of course, he remembered to put his trench coat on.)
"Kuwabara, it was Karasu!" Kurama burst.
Kuwabara flung poo at him, but nearly missed Yomi instead. "Shut up!"
Yomi looked down to see what had nearly missed him. "You sick...!"
Raizen was standing in the back, a flock of chickens around him. "I love you, chickens!" He dumped ice cream and cherries on them.
"Raizen, you're the copycat killer!" Kuwabara screamed.
"Wha...? No! Don't take my chickens!" He was arrested. "Waah! I'll miss you Betty, Betsy, Sue, Mary, Molly, and Jackie!"
Betty, Betsy, Sue, Mary, Molly and Jackie all cried back, "We'll miss you, Raizen! I mean, cluck!"
"What the hell?" Everyone stared.
"...Is this the part where we start singing and kicking?" Yusuke asked.
"Kicking?" Jin gasped and kicked Mukuro.
"Why you..." Mukuro started to beat him up.
"WTF" was everyone's reply.
"Didn't you hear me? It was Karasu!" Kurama argued.
"Who asked you!" Suzaku growled. "Kuwabara's the psychic detective here so..."
"So if I were psychic, you would believe me?"
"Su... OMYGOSH! I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR MY RYUICHI CONCERT!" Top of Form 1
Bottom of Form 1
Mukuro: Brains... (munches on reader's head)
Kuwabara, the next day
"wOOt! Being pschic rocks out loud!" Kuwabara screamed in joy as he hopped down the street.
Karasu watched him, lurking in the shadows.
"I feel a presence..." He looked around.
"Hey! Hey, psychic!" He called Kuwabara.
Kuwabara turned toward the shadows.
"Want to see my... Hot pink thong!" He removed his trench coat.
"Augh! Dude, if Kurama didn't want to see that, what made you think I would!" Kuwabara growled. "The horror! The horror!
The bomber knocked him out and took him into the darkness after putting his trench coat back on.
Kuronue happened to be there to see this. He thought, "Kuwabara was kidnapped!'
KARASU, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!
The office
"WHAT! KUWABARA WAS KIDNAPPED!" Yusuke screamed at the ghost. (Mukuro was on the phone, "Hey, Mustang, you know how to transmute an explosion threw the phone?")
"Ye... Yeah.." Kuronue stuttered.
"Damn it."
"Did you see who the kidnapper was?" Kurama asked.
"Yeah! It was Karasu! I saw him... And his THONG!" Kuronue shuttered.
"Uh... Too much info..." Yusuke's eyes widened in shock at the thought. "But since he's the only suspect we've got here. Let's investigate."
Hiei: Thriller! Thriller! (Does the moonwalk)
Karasu and Kuwabara
Karasu was showing Kuwabara a slideshow. "And this is me at Mount Rushmore and at Disney Land and at Mount Fuji and at the Alamo..."
"So... bored... Must... resist!" Kuwabara panted as if looking away took too much energy.
There was a knock at the door.
"DAMMIT! I was about to show you the Yaoi Convention pictures! (Kuwabara: relief.)" Karasu answered the door.
Yusuke saw Karasu in a thong. "I'm blind!"
"I'm lucky I'm already blind..." Yomi sighed.
"You're the kidnapper! Show us Kuwabara, fiend!" Kuronue pointed at him.
Karasu gave them a long blank stare. "...Do you have cookies?"
Yusuke walked in and looked around. "Huh? Pictures of women with the eyes cut out?"
"My son's into that, too," Yomi replied with a smile.
"Whatever." He looked around in another room, which had hands nailed to the wall. "Hm... Oh. Those are right hands you have nailed onto the wall because the thumb is to the right and not to the left. Let's go..."
He suddenly came to a strange revalation when they walked out.
"Wait a sec..." He looked at the palm of his hand and turned it so the back of his hand and turned it. "Hm... I gotta research this..."
Hug Hiei Day: Hug at your own risk. (Insert a fangirl hugging Hiei here.)
Kurama
"I can't believe they don't believe us, though!" Kurama growled, pacing across the room. "Did they not notice the blood Karasu was covered in? I mean, he was holding the knife in his hand..."
"Man, this is worse thasn that time I tries Axe for sick cats..." Hiei added.
Flashback
Hiei was at the store one day. His eyes shifted before he sprayed himself. Suddenly cats appeared. "Uh oh... Uh.. Hi? Uh... You're cute but..."
A cat started hacking.
"Oh, what're you doing? I don't like how it looks..."
The cat coughed up a hairball.
"HELP ME!"
End Flasback.
"They won't believe you if you're not pyschic. Get pyschic and solve it," Touya suggested.
"That's brilliant! To the bat cave!" Kurama cried. They found themselves in a cave suddenly and stared ast Kuronue, who was hanging upside down in there.
"...But I belong here!" He said.
Na no da!
Yusuke, meanwhile, was looking online for information about the hands. He was experimenting. Then, he suddenly started drawing, playing volleyball, and eventually, found himself playing video games with Genkai. "What was I doing again?"
"Something about hands..." Genkai answered.
"Right!" He ran away.
Suzuka: Where's my topless scene!
Kurama was on the roof. "From the days of Copernicus... Screw it..." He jumped...
"Kurama?" Yusuke blinked at the red head when he awoke in the hospital.
"Ouch... My head... Yusuke, you need to get that choclate out of your pocket..." Kurama moaned.
"Choc... Crap! It melted! How'd you know...?"
"I dunno... I guess it was the forces..."
"Forces... Who was the murder?"
"...It points to the kidnapper... Karasu..."
Kuronue: Bats! Just shut up!
Yusuke kicked the door open. "Damn you... LET KUWABARA GO!"
"Help!" Kuwabara's voice was heard. "He has a tiger print one on today!"
He ran in. "Kuwa... Augh! Put some clothes on!"
Hiei thorough a pizza at him. "It has anchovies! ...I hate anchovies."
Karasu was arrested. "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling people and their little dog!"
"Dog? Where! ...Oh..." Shura started to cry. But nobody cared.
"Glad that's over," Mukuro sighed.
'Let's see what she's thinking...' Murota thought...
'Who was that guy from Lord of the Rings? I hope I didn't leave the toaster on again. What's Hiei's height? What was the name of my voice actress again? Final Fantasy X-2 sucks.' (...It did.)
"What the...?"
La li ho!
Hospital...
"Kurama, you really helped us with that case!" Yusuke cheered.
"Where's Raizen?" Yomi asked.
"I told him he could leave jail but he wouldn't go..." Mukuro answered.
Arg...
Raizen was in his cell with his chickens. "Whee!" He dumped ice cream on them.
Kyou Kara Maou! (Even though that anime has nothing to do with YYH!)
The seven showed up again.
"You guys again?" Kuwabara growled.
"This is the last time we'll meet. Our last battle..." Sensui said. Everyone made weird sound effects.
"Must fight them off..."
"STOP IT!" Kurama screamed. The lights broke suddenly. "...That can be explained..."
-The end!-
Suzaku: No Ryuichi!
Notes:
1. Dragon Ball GT- Lame joke but... Don't own.
2. Gravitation- A shounen ai anime. Yuki and Shuichi are the main characters... Owned by Maki Murakami.
3. Kuronue- From the second movie. He was Kurama's partner but he dies. In Yusuke the Detective, he comes back as a ghost...
4. Yuki and Kyo Sohma- From Fruits Basket. Don't own.
5. RGFOCNN- Really Generic Forn Of CNN
6. RGFOCNNWALV- Really Generic Form Of CNN With A Lot Of Violence
7. ARSSTIWTLTNOMGTITDLIHMFTN- A Really Stupid Show That I Was Too Lazy To Name Oh My Freaking Gosh This Is Too Darn Long I Hate Myself For This Now
8. Mustang?- Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist. Don't own.
Sorry it was long but... I might continue this if I have the time. Catch you guys later! Review please!
