Chapter 2: Planned Parenthood

Authors note: This took me a long time to update. (college + group project + lousy internet connect+ sick bad) but here it is. I'm trying to keep some kind of balance between humor and drama, I also tried to improve my grammar and spelling but have no clue how well I'm doing at either. Do not have much too say but please leave feedback good or bad.

Allison knew what House was thinking, she knew he would be in his office doing a DDX or playing with his gameboy a grin on his face thinking she was crying over some mis-calibrated centrifuge, "but he would be wrong" Cameron thought to herself. She wasn't crying over a centrifuge… she was crying over a microscope. Looking down the eyepiece she realized just how pitiful this little symbolic act of rebellion was, all she saw was a blur after a few moments of fiddling with the focus dials she finally admitted to herself that the scope was fine and it was her tears that where distorting the image.

She glanced over to the row of centrifuges and sighed she didn't want House to be right but maybe by the time she finished working on them her eyes would have cleared up. She tilted her head back to think for moment. She knew this was petty, not wanting to work the centrifuges because of something House might be thinking, but after the drama that just happened, after thinking of all the drama that she knew was going to happen, she was clinging to any sense of control she could get.

She jumped up a bit in her chair as she heard a knock on the door behind her; a second later, she heard Foreman's voice call her name in a concerned tone. Cameron turned her seat around slowly to face him. Her face was full of tears, it was useless to try to restrain them at this point; the only thing she could hope for at this point was that no one besides Formen would notice.

"Need a shoulder," Foremen asked sincerely.

"No, I'm fine. Haven't you heard it's every little girls dream to be single, have an unplanned pregnancy, not know who the father is and have one of the potentials publicly humiliate you" Cameron responded trying her best to imitate House technique of deflecting personal inquires with humor. She quickly discovered that technique does not work well when the humor is broken up by intermediate sobs.

"Ya, I think I heard they're making a new Barbie doll about that, comes complete with tight wife beater Ken. Sure you don't want to talk Cameron."

Carmon smiled a bit despite the tears running down her face "Don't worry Forman I'll be fine, but I could use some help with some with some of these test"

"Sure what do you need?"

Cameron grinned slightly "could you work the centrifuge for me"

In his office, House and Chase where working on diagnose with their usually fever, Dr Wilson's mind however was clearly not on the diagnose much to House's dismay:

"Wilson. Wilson! Can we rule out paraneoplastic as a factor or not?" House yelled trying to get his friends attention.

"What um ya there are too many symptoms it not paraneoplastic"

"You know Cameron is the one with the parasitic, no reasons for you to be having symptoms," House paused for a moment as he spied the strangely claim Chase sitting on the end of the conference table. "I mean look at Chase he isn't distracted at all, he is as claim as bird perched on a windowsill"

Wilson turned his eyes over to Chase, House was right the handsome intensivist was setting in his chair as claim as he could be. For a second Wilson wondered if he and Chase had heard the same conversation judging by Chase's body language he must have tuned in to the "I just switch my car insurance speech"

"Well I must say your handling this well do you know some thing we don't?" asked Dr. Wilson.

"Well I hate to break it to you guys but this looks like it's a two horse race. It obviously one of you two" Chase answered with a smug, reassured look on his face.

"Why would you say that?", Questioned Wilson

"She said she was on something"

House raised his head up and wisped "a stupid, stupid little bird" as he reached for his Vicodin bottle.

"What" chase asked.

"Where to begin let's start at the end and work are way back shall we" House started

"On something, well I am on something right now" House snaked demonstrating the vicodin pill in his figures before popping it in to his mouth, "but I'm pretty sure infractions only effect muscle tissue not sperm flagellum and she said!. I'm so sorry young man, I had you confused for someone else I thought you were this young fellow I had working for me, you might have seen around he is the one" house inhaled for moment before shouting at the top of lungs.

"That should know better by now!"

"What! No Not Cameron. She wouldn't lie." Chase answered back.

"Ya your right, Cameron wouldn't lie; just like she wouldn't have wild promiscuous sex with three of her coworkers, have an unplanned pregnancy, and not know who the father is.

Chase eyes widened and he stood up in his chair as House words started to be processed in his head" His hands went over his face, "Oh God," he thought to himself. House could feel the words come out of his mouth and joined him as they spook in unison

"Everybody lies"

Allison and Foremen were working on their tests diligently, Cameron tears had subsided enough that she didn't have to keep blaming her much slower then average work pace on a faulty condenser. Foreman, spoke up trying to start some conversation.

"I know you don't believe it abortion so guess that means."

"Yes Foreman I'm keeping it. Yes, even if it House's" Cameron interrupted angrily "Do you hate him that much; that even his potential seed should be wiped from the face of the earth." Foremen clinched his teeth, he had been around enough bulging bellies to know he had to pick his next words very, very carefully.

"That not what I meant"

"You can drop the act Foremen ten minutes ago your you were praying we had some dunking one night stand just so House could be eliminated from the list"

"That's not what I said, I mean it just that it's weird you sleeping with three…" Foremen cringed as he stopped himself mid-sentence, but it was too late his foot was already place quite firmly within his mouth.

"So I'm a slut is that what you came here to say, why you don't call the nurse's station you can start a new betting pool on when I'll get my real first STD"

"Oh crap" Foreman thought to himself. He once heard an uncle describe the process of claiming a pregnant woman as "trying to disarm a nuclear explosive in under twenty second with a bad eye your hands tided and have nothing but a set of nail clippers". In Foremen's head he could here the countdown commence "t-minus 20 seconds to pregnancy hormone induced explosion!"

"No that not it at all" Foreman tried to correct himself

"Go ahead Foreman you can be honest it what the rest of the hospital going to say" the countdown continued, "T-minus 15 seconds to hormone induced destruction!"

"Who cares what they think"

"Easy for you to say this isn't some rumors about your juvee report" 10 seconds "or about Chase being in to finely made Australian bullwhips. There is a pretty big difference…" 5 seconds

"Ya ,I won't get any thing out of my rumors". Foremen's left hand was raised, as he readied himself to be hit by some random piece of lab equipment.

"What do you mean?" Cameron answered. Much to Forman surprise, his last statement actually seemed to calm Cameron "3...2…detonation sequence delayed"

"Well my employment here aside not much good is going to come out of my juvee report, you on the other hand are going to have a little human being you created to hold in your arms. Let them talk all they want now, you the one who is going to have the last laugh, you going to have a baby in your arms, the best they'll have is some twenty they one in some bet"

Cameron slowly started break a smile, Forman quietly let out a sigh of relief. "explosive disarmed, crisis averted"

Feeling a bit bold Foreman decided to go for some humor, "and hey I robbed a car; you had a week of great sex who really made the bigger mistake here." Carmon chuckled "I got to run but if you need me for any thing; someone to talk to too; someone to help you hide a certain cripples corpus if you need to, you know where to find me".

In House's office, the situations had become quickly reversed Wilson had managed to compose himself; but Chase's mind was far too busy alternating between apocalyptic visions of his future and self berating commentary, to work on the differential.

"I don't know" House spoke with out anyone having asked a question.

"To Chase's question "How could I be so stupid" I don't know how you could so be so stupid, so why don't we get back to the differential"

Chase ignored House's comments. While Wilson decided Chase might benefit from a more reassuring approached. "Well we still don't know what she is going to do Chase, she might not keep it" House and Chase merely stared at the oncologist. "You right who are we kidding she is probably the only pro-life atheist in the state of New Jersey."

"Yes, Yes we know Cameron is just one big paradox, you know what else is a paradox how our patients blood is both clotting and thinning" House stated as he underlined the symptoms on the white board.

"Well since I don't see the two of you jumping to your own defenses I am assuming I'm not only one who forget the rubbers am I?" Chase snaked.

Wilson squirmed in place a hand in each pocket of his lab coat. "Well I had some brandy and…" Wilson moved one of his hands to the side of his pants, he paused mid sentence and taped his pants pocket "Wait a second" Dr. Wilson pulled out his wallet and started to rummage through it at a blistering pace.

"What are you doing, you going to try to bribe the fetus out of Cameron's uterus?" House asked.

"No, No the condoms the pharmacy rep gave me, the ones with the antibiotics built in." Wilson final pulled out an opened foil packet.

"You keep your used condom wrappers in your wallet that's kind creepy," House noted.

"Never mind that, I haven't been with any one else since I got these, I must have used it with Cameron." Wilson jubilation was cut short as he heard his pager go off "well I have to go". Wilson then moved out of the room dropping the foil wrapper on the ground in his haste.

"Will it looks like it just you and me now" Chase noted

House gave no reply and merely eyed the foil wrapper on the ground, before taking a few hobbled steps towards it and careful bending down to pick it from the ground. After taking a moment to read the letters on the package, he turned to Chase and spoke.

"Or maybe not"

After dealing with his page, Dr. Wilson headed back to his office to get some lunch, opening the door of his office he found House seated in his chair rapidly making short work of the stack of sliver dollar pancakes in front of him "well I did want to talk to you" Wilson said.

"Me first" House responded, "read this" House handed Wilson a stack of papers.

Wilson faced turned pale as he read the pages, "the so called revolutionary antibiotic condom was in fact a massive failure the antibiotic coating greatly reduce the products effectiveness in preventing unwanted pregnancy. Hospitals across the nation are now joining in a muti-million dollar suit against the manufacture for"

"God damn it, I know, I know never trust a pharmacy rep." Wilson moved around slightly "here I am think I was protected turns out I practically laid out a red copy for the little buggers"

"Red on pink kind of a gaudy color scheme don't you think?" House commented.

Wilson sighed and started to rummage through the back of one of his cabinets. After a few moments, he pulled out a bottle of scotch and a plastic container full of sliver dollar pancakes.

"What I was going to say, House that I want you"

"Wait a minute where did that come from." House interrupted.

"The scotch well with Julia's lawyer has been calling my office a lot and"

"Not the scotch, the pancakes if I'm eating them then how"

"O…You see having figured out you could never just ask me to make you some I've gotten in the habit of creating decoy meals for your robbing pleasure."

"Aw honey you always think of me" House responded. "I love the little warning note you made up today" House held up a small yellow cube of paper and started to read "Beware: he who doth break the seal of the sliver dollar; for 2 hours of clinic duty be cast upon him" even went the extra mile of forging Cuddy's signature. nice touch." Wilson grinned evilly and as though bound by fate Cuddy appeared.

"It isn't fake House" Cuddy stood in the doorway smiling "now, head down and face your punishment"

House turned to face Wilson "We had a pact, Wilson. You promised no Cuddy-o-logical warfare, this is a war crime my friend"

"Ya, Ya you can report him to the UN after you do your clinic hours."

"I already did my clinics hours"

"You agreed to do more; you broke the seal of the pancakes"

"What? You can't hold me to that!"

After several minutes of bickering, House caved and started to hobble his way to the clinic. He couldn't believe he was letting cuddy win since when has a post-it-note been considered a "legally binding contract"?

On his way out Wilson noted a legal pad in House hand. It looked like he was writing about a patient in between his gluttony and thievery. He noticed a few of the phrase scribbled on it: "pregnancy", "personality change" and "scratches?" For a moment, Wilson thought he saw the name Cameron scribbled across the top, but he figured it was his just his imagination there. There was no reason for House to be treating Cameron. Was there?

House reached the clinic, entered exam room one and found a couple and their child waiting within.

"Are sure this guy knows what he is doing?" He hears the wife whisper to her husband.

"My wife is just a little concerned about brining our kid to a free clinic, but you're completely qualified right?"

"Well to be honest I am only here right now because of a piece of paper I found in my lunch box this morning, now tell your daughter to open up and say awww."

As much as House wanted to avoid the clinic, he did need something from it and now was his chance. After dealing with the patients, he went to the reception desk.

"Give me list of all the patients scheduled to come in here tomorrow." The nurse handed House the list. Looking up and down the roll, Dr. House picked out a few names and grabbed there files before trying to make his way to the door.

"What are you doing, House"

House cursed himself as he heard Cuddy's voice behind him. "O these I just figured my department could use a few more cases, want to make sure your getting your moneys worth"

"Right…since you didn't have a believable lie ready to go, it is safe to assume you didn't think I'd find out about what ever it is your doing to until afterwards."

"Your right, so why ruin the surprise …I going home" Cuddy gave House a piercing glare as he hobbled his way out the door.

House was plotting something and she knew it Cuddy turned and picked up the nearest phone "Ya…Legal I just talked to House, we are on yellow alert." Cuddy let out a sigh as she heard the legal team discuss house in the special code they design especially for House related cases.

"Madman is in the lab; I repeat madman is in the lab"

Another note: I wanted to give some reasonable explanation as to why the three men would put themselves in this situation in regards to conception being involved (other then just using the old stand by of saying no contraception is foolproof and being done with it). I plan to have some more flesh out descriptioned of each guy night with Cameron but for now this establishes Chase as your typical crotch-brined male and poor Wilson is a victim of some greed pharmaceutics company and House you'll have too wait and see…