A/N: wow... so nobody objects to the incest? or the gag-me-with-a-kodak-moment fluff? well, that's great. really and for truly awesome. i enjoy the feed-back, and i really am glad that none of you mind my... ideas. i hate for people to read my yaoi/incest/etc. warnings and yet still go on to read my story and get offended.
it's official. flamers suck.
anyway, that's about it. sit back and enjoy.
0-00-0-00
Jaden, I don't know...
Come on, Sy, you have to stand up to him at some point.
Syrus bit his lip. Jaden was right. He had to stand up to Zane eventually. Might as well be today.
You might not even realize this, Syrus... but even though Zane's not talking to you, he's still pushing you around. Ignoring you, telling you you're not good enough. You work twice as hard, trying to prove to him that you're worthy, but you don't have to do that.
I don't?
At least Jaden didn't think so.
But, Syrus reasoned, his spirits sinking, that didn't matter. Jaden may have been his best friend, but Zane was still his brother. His flesh and blood. Their mother and father didn't care if Syrus was good enough for Jaden. They cared if he was as good as his brother. Not necessarily a better person, just a better duelist.
No, you don't. You're really a lot better than you think you are. And if Zane can't see that, then who needs him?
I do. Syrus frowned. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He could bear the silent treatment. But face-to-face rejection? Being told to go back to the Slifer dorm, where he belonged? He just couldn't handle it.
Not knowing if Zane would give him the time of day was bad enough. But actually getting there and really having Zane turn his back on him was even worse. It just wasn't worth taking that kind of chance.
Slowly, Syrus turned and headed back to their dorm. He'd gotten half-way there and chickened out.
Typical, just typical. What was Jaden going to say?
He'd probably just drag him right back, march straight to Zane's room, and get himself into an argument. Probably challenge Zane to another duel. That was just something Jaden would do.
And retreat before he'd even reached the Obelisk dorm was something Syrus would do.
Something a coward would do.
"So what if I am a coward?" Syrus muttered miserably to himself. "Everybody already knows it. Jaden won't be all that disappointed in me, anyway. He already knows what a wimp I am."
"What's wrong, Syrus?"
He looked up, startled, and spun around. He looked up at Alexis, who stood behind him. She looked a little concerned... just a little. After all, she knew as well as anybody else did that he got upset over the dumbest things. And this had to be one of the dumbest yet.
"Oh... uh, nothing," he fibbed, trying not to look into her eyes. He knew he was a terrible liar. He knew he was a terrible everything.
"Come on, Syrus, tell me what's wrong." Alexis gave him an encouraging smile.
He gazed up at her pleadingly, with a look that clearly begged her to just let it go. But still she stood there, a look of half-involved concern on her face. Syrus was always worrying about something. How bad could it be?
"Well..." he bit his lip. What was a good way to say this? My brother is ashamed to be related to me, and I was going to tell him off. Yeah, that sounded fine.
"Yeah?"
"Um... I... Look, Alexis, I really don't want to talk about it. Okay?"
Alexis shrugged. "All right. I was just asking. See ya." She turned and walked away, leaving Syrus to stand on the path by himself, looking from the direction of the Slifer dorm back to where he was going- Zane's dorm. Where he had been going, anyway. Question was, did he have it in him?
"Yeah." he said softly, then a little louder, a little more proudly, "Yeah. Zane's not the boss of me. I'm not scared of him. I can say whatever I want. What's he going to do about it?"
Continuing on his way, he repated, "Yeah... yeah... what's he going to do? ... What's he going to do about it? Yeah..."
He kept mumbling to himself, half-aware of how crazy he probably looked to anyone walking past. But he didn't care. The words gave him courage, and he needed it to get up the nerve to have this little 'chat'.
And he had the nerve, all right. Nerve enough to walk to the Obelisk dorms and right to Zane's door, not thinking about, or even caring about, what would happen if he got caught. He had as much right to be here as anybody else did!
Didn't he?
I don't care what Zane thinks. He's not better than me. I might not be as good a duelist as he is, but I'm definitely a better person! Jaden said so himself...
This new aggravation was becoming a bad attitude by the time he finally got to Zane's room. He thought nothing of knocking -admittedly, harder than necessary- on the door. Sighing, he clenched his jaw and stood waiting.
"Come on, Zane..." he muttered under his breath. "Open the door already."
"Syrus?"
Syrus gazed up, looking into his brother's eyes. His new-found confidence suddenly abandoned him, leaving the frightened boy that had always been there before standing at Zane's doorstep, so suddenly unsure of himself his legs threatened to give out from under him.
"Z-zane?" he stammered. "I... c-can we... talk?"
Damn. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wanted to convince his brother that he was good enough, worthy, a somebody. Not the same shy little boy that lost matches and had nightmares. He looked down at the floor, the feeling that he wasn't even worthy of making eye contact slowly seeping back into him.
"About what?"
There wasn't any emotion in Zane's voice. It was better than the contempt Syrus had led himself to expect to be greeted with. Nothing. Complete indifference. He wasn't even worth his brother's comtempt?
"I-I ... " Come on, Syrus, just spit it out. "I'm not worthless!"
Great. That made a world of sense, Syrus thought bitterly. He kept his head down, waiting for Zane to respond.
Say something. Anything. Come on, just say something.
"What are you talking about?" Zane asked, a look of total confusion on his face. Think harder, Zane. Come on, you have to remember all those times you said I was... You know what I'm talking about. Why don't you just talk to me?
"You know what I'm talking about," Syrus snapped. How dare he act so innocent! Like he'd never once in his life told him that he wasn't good enough. Like he didn't know how painful it was for his younger brother to try and be like him, when he clearly just didn't have it in him.
Like he not only didn't care, but he didn't even remember.
"All those times, growing up, you said I'd never be good enough. Until every time I screw up I feel like just killing myself, thinking of what you said. You told me I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't even have been your brother! That's what I'm talking about, Zane!"
The elder brother sighed deeply.
"You still get that upset about making mistakes?" he replied finally.
"As a matter of fact, I do," Syrus replied, still cooling down from his little 'episode'. He turned his back on Zane. It hurts getting cold-shouldered, doesn't it?
He jumped, startled, when he felt Zane's strong grip on his shoulders. Caught off-guard, he let himself be turned back around to face his brother.
Zane glared at him, a hateful look that chilled Syrus to the bone. Was this really better than being ignored? His brother's indifference wounded him deeply inside, but was that as bad as having Zane's fingers digging into his back?
"Then you haven't learned anything," Zane said softly, his words whispered, but harsh and almost frightening. "You're still weak. You haven't learned anything at all."
Syrus tried to back away, but he was held in place. He turned his head away, squeezing his eyes shut until tears welled up along the rims. His breathing became labored.
Why did I say that? I didn't have to have such an attitude. He hates me. He's probably going to hit me or something. I was better off when he didn't even pay attention to me.
"You need to learn," Zane repeated. "You have to learn how to be stronger."
Syrus kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to hear it. If this was the kind of attention he was going to get, he wanted to go back to being a nobody!
His eyes slowly began to open at the faint breath upon his face, before the sensation of Zane's lips pressing to his own shocked him into opening them. He stared, mortified, as Zane finally broke the kiss. He didn't simply let go of Syrus, but kind of pushed him away in the process.
Stumbling backward, he steadied himself and continued to back up slowly.
What's wrong with him? he thought to himself. What does he mean? How will kissing me help me learn to be stronger?
"You will never be anything if you can't learn to handle problems on your own," Zane said, his voice cold and flat. "Jaden won't always be around to help you. He's not your brother. He'll move on. He'll leave you, and you have to be able to deal with things yourself."
"I... I-I know h-he's not my brother," Syrus stammered. "I don't need him... to help me." He clenched his jaw. "And how do you know he's going to leave me behind? What if he doesn't?"
Zane narrowed his eyes. "He will. He's an excellent duelist. He's got a promising future ahead of him."
"And you don't think I do, too?" He should have sounded more annoyed, but Syrus spoke softly, as he was still in shock.
"He's going to move on," Zane continued, acting as if he hadn't even heard him. "He'll leave you, and then what will you do?"
"I don't get it, Zane!" Syrus cried. "What does this have to do with--"
"He's not your brother," the older boy repeated, turning and pulling his door shut behind him.
Syrus stood there for moment, gazing at the door. What was going on?
None of it made any sense. He had to learn to be stronger. Jaden was going to move on. Where did Zane kissing him fit into the equation?
He bolted. He ran through the halls, turning corners and nearly knocking a student off his feet, until he found the door. He got through to the outside and kept running, back to the Slifer dorm.
That was where he belonged, anyway. He wasn't good enough. He wasn't strong enough. He was lucky even to have gotten this far.
Finally, he found the right door. Fumbling with the knob, he got the door open and slammed it shut. Leaning against it, he slid to the floor, pulled his legs up and rested his head on his knees.
Just when he'd finally caught his breath from running all that way, and now he was choked with heaving sobs. Nobody was there. Even Chumley had managed to find somewhere else to be.
Maybe that was best. Nobody was around to see him crying.
Being so weak.
don't worry. it will all be clear to you... eventually. trust me, i wouldn't just have zane kiss him for no good reason!
really, i wouldn't. i mean it.
anyway, R&R. your feedback is appreciated. (unless you're flaming me. then... not so much.)
ciao, everbody. )
