all right, how about we vote on this? who thinks this still counts as incest?
i'd like to thank all of you who reviewed so far. it's people like you that make society suck less. good for you.
anyway, this chapter contains a lot of sadness, self-mutilation, self-loathing and blood, and a little tiny hint of shonen. if any of this bothers you, leave now and save me a flaming.
R&R, be nice, and remember: the government is out to get you. Oo
O-O-O-O
He'd been hurt berfore, and several times. How many? Too many to count. Too many now even to care.
All Syrus knew was that this was the worst. The absolute deepest wound to his heart.
Zane didn't love him. He hated him. He had to, or why else would he do this?
To neglect him and demean him was bad enough, wasn't it? This was an insult, taking this gesture of love and turning it into a gesture of dishonor and rejection.
That wasn't even the full extent of it. His first kiss had been taken in hate, in being unwanted and unworthy. It should have been someone else. Who knew who else, and who cared? Just... not Zane.
"Who else would want me, anyway?" Syrus asked himself, his voice shot through with misery. Nobody, not even his own brother, loved him. Nobody cared about him.
Nobody.
Except...
"No, no," his muttered, shaking his head with every repetition. "Jaden doesn't love me either. I'm his friend. Not even that, really. He might have said it, but I'm just his sidekick. If it weren't for me, he'd be going places.He could be the best. I'm just the sorry sidekick. I just make him look good." He sighed. "Compared to me, anyone would look good. The only way I'd ever get kissed, and it has to be because the person who did it hates me."
The only way.
The only way...
There was only one way.
One way to fix everything. One way to stop letting Zane down. One way to stop getting in Jaden's way.
One way. The only way.
Question was, could he do it? There was no question he would. His mind was made up. Everyone would be so much better off without him. It was simply a matter of how. So many ways to die, but so few ways to make it happen, on purpose.
What would he do? Drown himself? The plug in the drain didn't fit right, so the sink wouldn't fill up. And he couldn't just go jump into the ocean. Nobody would find him. They'd probably think he'd run away.
They'd think he was still alive, too much of a loser to stay, but too much of a coward to die.
No, he wanted them to find his body. Proof he at least hadn't left.
Hang himself? With what? Neither he, nor either of his room-mates, had a belt to their name. A shoelace would just come un-knotted, or break. No rope, no cord, no nothing.
Syrus felt more and more pathetic by the second. He'd been a loser his whole life. The least he could do was get this right.
"What kind of idiot decides to kill himself because he's a screw-up, and then can't even do that right?"
He went through the list in his head. Drowning, hanging... where was he going to find a gun? Shooting himself was out of the question.
What does a guy have to do to die around here? He couldn't decide if it sounded more amusing or morbid. May as well get a good laugh from it. His death was no loss to the world. No loss to anybody at all, really.
But if he had no way to make it happen, he'd have to go on living, being the failure, the disappointment, the burden, to people so much worthier than him.
Even if nobody loved him, he loved them. He loved Zane. and he loved Jaden. So he couldn't live.
Deep in thought, searching blindly for inspiration, he ran his hand absently over the top of the desk. A sharp pricking sensation in his hand snapped him out of it, until he realized what had happened.
Staring at the deep splinter, which had dragged along the palm of his hand until a short but deep cut had been drawn in his pale flesh, he smiled, a sick but sad smile.
There was his inspiration.
And how convenient. That desk was just what he needed.
Well, what was inside of it, anyway.
"Hey, Syrus," Jaden remarked, leaning back until only two of the chair legs were touching the ground. "You know what I hate about being on an island?"
Syrus shook his head. "No. What?"
"That it doesn't snow a lot here."
"It's fall. Besides, we're too close to the ocean, Jay. It doesn't snow a lot here."
Jaden was silent for a moment.
"So," he replied at last. "How can we fix that?"
"Fix it?" Syrus asked, puzzled. "How can we fix it? Jaden, we can't control the weather." He smiled to himself from his place on the floor, flipping through his deck. That was one of the things about Jaden that impressed him the most. He had this way of doing the impossible. Beating Obelisks at duels, saving his friends time and time again.
Jaden controlling the weather wasn't such a far stretch of the imagination.
"Maybe not, Sy, but I know the next best thing."
Funny, he could almost hear Jaden grinning.
"Yeah? What would that--?"
His vision was clouded by hundreds of small white ... something. It landed in his hair, in his lap, behind his glasses. Shaking his head madly, he managed to get them out of his eyes, and turned around to see Jaden, twisted around in his seat and struggling to breathe through his laughter.
Pouting, Syrus muttered, "Very funny."
"Yeah," the brunette gasped, rubbing tears out of his eyes. He took a deep breath, and added, "I thought so."
Grinning, he eased himself onto the floor and pulled Syrus into a hug. "Sorry, Sy. I just thought you'd get a good laugh from it."
Syrus replied, "Oh, that's okay."
"So? I'm still sorry."
"Did you just need an excuse to dump shredded paper all over me?"
Jaden squeezed him a little tighter. "Nah. I just needed an excuse to give you a hug." He laughed, and Syrus didn't know whether to laugh with him or have him committed.
"You... don't need an excuse."
"I don't?"
"No."
Jaden pulled away to look at him. He grinned broadly. "Thanks, Sy."
"Thanks? For what?"
"You said I could just do that for no good reason."
"So?"
"So you're my best friend."
Syrus felt the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He, out of all the great duelists in the entire Academy, was Jaden's best friend?
"Why?"
It was Jaden's turn to be confused. "Because I like you. You're a good person. I'm just as optimistic as the next guy, but even I know there aren't enough of them out there. There's just something about you... that's just... um... " He paused a moment, before finishing. "Really, really... nice."
Syrus blushed. Poetic, Jaden wasn't, but the meaning was there. He didn't have to be the best duelist. He just had to be the best friend.
"Thanks, Jaden. You... you're my best friend too."
"Good. So you won't mind if I do this?" He pulled Syrus back to him, holding him so tightly the smaller boy could barely breathe.
"No," he gasped. "I don't mind."
At least if he suffocated now, like this, in Jaden's arms, he could die happy.
Die happy, instead of live miserably. Sounded good to him.
He smiled softly, thinking of how they'd just sat there in that pile of cut-up notebook paper, Syrus feeling as if he could have stayed in Jaden's arms forever. That fleeting but wonderful feeling of being wanted.
Being loved.
And that was just how he found what he was looking for, lying in that drawer. In a pile of paper "snow".
Isolated. One. All by itself, just like he was.
As Syrus reached down and closed his fingers around the closed blades of the scissors, he noticed that his hands weren't shaking. He was always so nervous, so unsure of himself. Why was he so calm now, when there really was something to be nervous about? He was preparing to end his life. How couldn't he be panicking?
Because he knew the outcome, that was why. It occured to him suddenly. Every step he took in his life carried the chance of another mistake. Another chance to fail. Another chance to disappoint someone.
He was doing this, knowing that he'd be ending all those steps. Ending all those disappointments.
Getting the only thing that held his loved ones back out of the way.
Himself.
Syrus felt the hot tears roll down his face.
He cried because he was weak. He cried because he was a loser. He cried because he had no place in the world. He wasn't worth the air he breathed.
He cried, because it had finally sunk in.
But he could let himself cry. That was why he was doing this. Might as well end his life the way he'd lived it--in tears.
The blade was dull, but Syrus didn't have very thick skin anyway. Literally or emotionally. Anything could cut him, that much was obvious.
All the more reason to be cut.
"I'm sorry I let you down, Zane." He was talking to himself. "I'm sorry I let you down, Jaden."
What was the point of a suicide note? Stating the obvious?
Looking back to the drawer, still containing some of Jaden's "snow", he added, 'wasting paper.' What was the point?
He'd have done away with himself so they wouldn't have to put up with him anymore. They'd know that he was gone. They'd know why he did it. Who knew? They might actually be happier.
No more stalling. Jaden would be back soon. He had to get this over with. If Jaden got back in time, he'd have to try and save him.
Well, Syrus could save him the trouble.
Furiously, he slashed the blade across his wrist. Not good enough. It was a bad cut, but he'd live.
He repeated the motion.
"Not good enough," he said to himself. "Just like Zane told you. Not good enough. Not good enough."
He said it again and again, each time carving another mark into his arm.
Finally, he stopped. Setting the bloody scissors back into the drawer, he slid it shut, the crimson liquid dripping onto the carpet and onto the front of the desk. It flowed down to the floor. It would all end up on the floor.
Just like Syrus.
All those times he'd knelt in defeat, hopelessness, submission. Each their own shameful form of weakness. Physical weakness, from the blood he'd lost, brought him to his knees. He set his good hand on the floor to steady himself. The carpet was seeping with blood.
Just one more thing, he thought to himself. They'll get my blood out of the carpet, and I'll be gone. They won't have to deal with me anymore.
Perfect.
With a deep sigh, he bent over and laid his head on the floor, a spot that wasn't soaked in blood.
"Zane... y-you were right," he panted. "I wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Jaden, you were wrong. I'm not good enough. I'm sorry. You were my best friend.
"I-I... " He groaned. If this was the last thing he ever said, it would be well worth it.
"Jaden... I love you."
O-O-O-O
cruel, isn't it? well, that's the holiday blues for you.
anyway, this is a little... um... really, really... not good. perhaps this should fall under "tragedy" after all...
but does that mean that poor syrus will parish? hm... good question. i suppose you'll find out later.
sorry to be so evil to you, but admit it. you'd rather have the suspense than have me just tell you. right?
either way, review, and have a nice day. )
