aww, thanks guys! the reviews i got for chapter 9 were so nice, i decided to get off my lazy proverbial ass and answer them.
galactichitchhiker42: all right, here you go. :)
sofa: aww, man, i made you sad? well, now i have to go feel bad... haa, just kidding. glad you liked it!
dreyacira: glad you're liking the story! btw, i got "bluenette" from the story Save Me, by starthedemonhorse. just thought i'd give credit where credit is due.
koshi noriko: winks back thanks!
shadowvixen: that;s OK! you can just squeeze the life out of him when I'm finished! lol
amberblood: first rule of fanfiction, no shame in anything. don't feel bad about not logging in. i just click the "keep me logged in for 3 days" button to save myself from typing the letter "f" in the box every day to turn on autocomplete... point is, everybody has a lazy side. mine just comes out more often. lol
quileo92: sick twists are the best kind.
kr92: well, here it is. sorry for the wait.
freak0515: heyy... you're gonna share that, right? just kidding. but seriously, that was what i was saying as i wrote it. it's a good way to live. "give other people problems, because you'll never be able to have them all yourself!"
angelic candy: you have the coolest ideas. have you ever considered making your own yu-gi-oh gx fic? think about it... you can screw them up as much as you want. lol- i'd love to read it.
xxsexiitxx: damn it, girl, i TOLD you we were even! i'd never lie about something like that. so just keep reading, and don't give your DOUBT another thought. doubter! lmao
blue comit: you're. very. welcome.
midnyte wolf: woah, calm down there, trigger! i'm glad you liked it. ohh, and to answer your question, i forgot to mention why they didn't bandage his arm. damn details and their HARD TO REMEMBER-ness. but syrus had nearly stopped bleeding by the time jaden got there. besides, they were kind of... um... distracted. i'd hate to think i left out any more crucial details. nice catch!
chibi angelstar: i know... i'll go to my room and think about what i did... well, not really. but don't worry, with all these little /issues, there's going to be more. much, much more. just not too much, because i hate those stories that drag on forever. but rest assured, it's not over till the fat lady sings. (and she's only on her second course of the pre-concert buffet dinner- rofl).
"We've got to clean up your cuts, you know?"
"Yeah, I know." He thought for a moment, then added, "Maybe I ought to do this by myself. You don't have to look at them anymore. I'm sure you don't want to."
Jaden shrugged. "Okay, if that's what you want..."
He didn't want to leave Syrus alone. But he knew that his friend needed some time to think things over. If washing the cuts himself was what he wanted, that's just what he was going to do.
"Just... let me know if you need any help."
Syrus grinned shyly. "Thanks, Jay. For everything."
Jaden smiled and wrapped his arms gently around the smaller boy's shoulders. "No problem," he whispered softly in his ear. "That's what friends are for."
The sensation of Jaden's breath against his neck made him shudder. That wasn't all friends were for. He nodded, and shifted his shoulders. He was already tired, and his legs were about to give out from under him. And now, he was about to drop dead. Now that just wasn't fair...
"'Night," Jaden said hoarsely, turning his back. "Get some rest, okay?"
"All right. Good night, Jaden."
"Yeah, you too." He dropped heavily onto his bed, causing the springs in his mattress to squeak and groan loudly. He hadn't even bothered to change into his pajamas. Syrus smiled sadly at him. He didn;t have to do anything he'd done. But he did anyway.
Why? he thought to himself, kneeling over the bathtub, wringing the soaked cloth over his arm. The blood that had dried on his arm, diluted by the cool water, flowed down his arm, pooling at the bottom and slipping down the drain.
He wasn't worth it. Jaden was such a great friend. He deserved so much better.
Someone who wasn't so weak they'd rather die than deal with their problems. Someone who didn't give in to anybody. Someone who hadn't earned the hate of the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally.
Someone... anyone... better than Syrus.
His vision blurred, and he inhaled deeply. He couldn't be crying again, could he? Not after all the tears he'd shed. Wouldn't he ever run dry?
But that was impossible. For all the blood he'd lost, he'd still managed to have enough left in him to live. Just enough flowed through his veins to keep him going. He'd never run out of blood, and he'd never run out of tears.
They streamed down his face, hitting the edge of the tub with soft splashes.
He blinked to clear them from his eyes, and examined his wrist. The skin was clean, the wounds looking much less severe than they had before. Where it had once seemed his entire forearm was one bloody, shredded mess, now was just several dark red lines across his vein.
Well, he told himself bitterly. I really do have low self-esteem. I'd have to, to think that those little scratches could kill me. It won't work. I'm too weak to live, but just strong enough not to die.
He touched his wrist lightly with his fingertips, flinching from the sharp jolt of pain. The cuts were nothing- it was the painful way his arm was twisted. He held up his other wrist to compare them, and groaned. It had looked bad enough on it's own, but compared with his good arm, it looked even more swollen and bruised.
His clenched his jaw so tight he heard his teeth creaking as they locked into place.
He could handle broken teeth. He could handle a broken arm. He could handle a broken heart.
Anything at all. But he sure as hell wasn't going to cry about it. What good would it do? It just made Jaden feel sorry for him. It just made Zane more and more sure that he was a total weakling. Crying didn't solve his problems. It made them worse.
Nothing could solve his problems. Nobody could help him.
Jaden could try, but what was the point? Couldn't he see that it was no use? Was he so blinded by his own optimism that he couldn't see that Syrus was a lost cause?
But Zane already knew it. He'd always known how completely worthless his little brother was. He'd tried to fix him, he'd failed, and he'd moved on. It was only a matter of time before Jaden gave up on him, too.
What he hated the most was that he tried. If he'd put no effort into it, and he'd failed, then the potential was still there. There was still reason to believe in him. But he'd tried his hardest to please Zane, and still he failed. He'd tried his hardest to make Jaden proud of him, live up to his over-confident friend's expectations.
That was it, though. Jaden expected too much out of him. Expecting anything of Syrus, thinking he even had any right to be living, was just too much to ask for.
All he wanted was to go back to the dorm, and just lie beside Jaden and ask him to help him sort through his problems. He wanted to admit what Zane had done. He wanted to stand up to his brother, and for once, not have something go horribly wrong.
None of it was going to happen. Jaden couldn't help him. He'd finally gotten him to fogive Zane for what he already knew he'd done. If he found out about this... And earning Zane's respect was never going to happen either. He didn't deserve it. He was so stupid. Never, never, should have admitted to cutting himself. Stupid mistake. Positively the dumbest thing he'd ever done.
No... the dumbest thing he'd ever done was try to commit suicide where somebody would find him in time. Not going through with it. That was the ultimate low point of his young life.
Well, he'd just have to be smarter. Zane wanted him to do better. Learn from his mistakes.
So he would.
Syrus cut the hot water, twisting the knobs until the cold was running full blast. He shrugged off his blazer. He didn't deserve to wear it anyway. He was the failure out of the entire Slifer class. The lowest of the low. He didn't even deserve to be where he was now.
He held his arm under the cold water, leaning over, and continued until he was soaked up to his shoulder. Then his other arm. Finally, he shook his head. This wasn't going to work. He peeled off his shirt and held it under the water for a couple of minutes. It had to be absolutely soaked.
Finally, it was done. He tugged the dripping wet shirt back over his head. The water was cold as ice, and already his skin started to become sore. Not that it would matter anyway. He wasn't going to be able to feel anything after a while, anyway.
He shut off the water, and paused, comforted by the silence that now filled the outhouse. Nobody was there. He was finally all alone. If anybody really cared, he would have something to live for. But there was nobody, and he could finally go in peace.
Drawing one last long, shuddering breath, the prelude to a fit of sobbing he wasn't going to let happen, Syrus closed the door behind him and walked calmly into the freezing black winter night.
