A/N: sweet. chapter thirteen. so is this indicative of some bad luck? misfortune? ladders?

yeah... don't ask.

but i suppose if i don't stop with the author's notes, we're never going to find out, now are we? so let's just do that now, shall we?

"Zane? Do you... you know... hate me?"

'No, of course not... you're my brother. I can't hate you.'

"You... well, you kinda act like you do."

'Because I love you. It's because I love you, Syrus! I'm supposed to, and I do, but I'm not supposed to love you this much. Not like this...'

"I didn't deserve a brother as good as you."

'You're right. You deserve better. Someone who can love you the right way. Someone... anyone better than me.'

"Just not me..." he said aloud. "Not me..."

"Zane!"

Alexis? What was she doing back here? Hadn't she bothered him enough for one night? He just wanted to be alone...

No, he wanted to be with Syrus. He didn't want to be alone--he had to be.

"What is it?"

Alexis hesitated, catching her breath. "It's Syrus," she gasped.

Zane turned around to look directly into her eyes. "What?"

"He... we found him in the woods. He nearly froze to death... he was just barely alive when we found him--"

"What?"

Alexis held her hands up defensively. "Zane, please--"

"Are you serious?"

"Why would I joke about something like this?"

"Syrus... is he all right?"

"I don't know. Jaden took him back to their dorm room--"

"And you just left him there alone with Jaden?"

"Well... yes, but why--"

Zane didn't even look back at her as he began walking away, striding as quickly as he could without breaking into a run, toward the Slifer dorms.

"Zane, wait!" she called after him, but he ignored her. She stood alone on the dock, simply watching him go. What on earth was going on with him, and with Syrus and Jaden? What could possibly be causing her friends to act this way toward each other? Toward her?

She didn't know, but she knew she couldn't rest until she found out.


Where was he?

The light stung his eyes, and he closed them again, weakly trying to cover them with his arm. It was too bright, too warm... his skin felt like it was on fire. Like he was covered in needles.

Ohh, what is this place? Did I... am I in heaven?

He opened his eyes again, shaking his head a couple of times to rid himself of the bleary haze clouding his vision.

Well... not unless his soul was to rest for eternity in his dorm room.

He was... back? He was alive?

Syrus propped himself up, leaning heavily on his arm, and looked around. He couldn't see anybody? Was he all alone? How had he even gotten here?

He breathed deeply. Everything was a blur...

Jaden ... he didn't deserve him ... Jaden deserved better ... anybody better than him ...

Syrus stifled a small cry, painful remembrance flooding through him, like ice-water coursing through his veins. He'd gone out to die. But here he was, safe and sound in their room. Somebody must have brought him back before he could...

"No..." he whispered, feeling his throat close up. "No... I'm still here... I should be..." His thoughts were so mixed-up that he couldn't finish one sentence.

Why, why did this keep happening to him? Why couldn't everybody just leave him alone and let him die?

"Syrus!"

He felt two arms wrapping around him, pulling him close to a warm body, holding him so tightly that he doubted he could have struggled free if he'd wanted to. But he didn't. He missed this feeling so much...

"Ja... Jaden?" he mumbled.

"You're awake," the other boy sighed, his voice heavy with relief and joy. "You're all right... oh, Syrus..." He tightened his grip on him, and Syrus shifted a little, trying to get into a position where he could breathe a little easier.

"Jaden, what's going on?" he asked meekly. "What's wrong?"

Jaden's breath became harsh, but he said nothing. With his back pressed to him, Syrus couldn't see his face, but he could only imagine the expression he wore. Full of resentment and anger.

Syrus wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but he had a pretty good idea. Jaden had found him in time, and brought him back to their room. He'd saved his life... again ... and he'd been put through all this grief ... again. His breath hitched, and he could already feel the tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes.

What was I thinking? he ranted at himself. If he doesn't care ... if he doesn't want me ... then why did he save me? Twice?

Maybe that was just it. He'd saved him the first time because he cared. Now he just wanted him to live so he could let Syrus know just how much he hated him for putting him through all that.

But instead, Jaden's voice was gentle and kind, the voice that drew him from the darkness he found himself in so many times. "Sy... you nearly gave me a heart attack. What happened? What were you doing out there, without your blazer? Are you all right?"

He stroked Syrus' hair as he spoke. It was more than a sign of affection--he needed to feel him, make sure that Syrus was really safe, and alive, not just some ghost coming back to haunt him. But he was real, and he was going to be all right.

Jaden suddenly went numb, save for a sharp pain in his throat. Syrus wasn't going to be all right. Something was terribly wrong with him. It had to be--there was just no way he'd be out in the middle of the woods on such a cold night, deliberately leaving his jacket behind. He'd tried to take his own life--again.

What was wrong this time? What could have possibly happened since the last attempt to make him want to do it again?

He'd forgiven Zane. It couldn't have been his fault.

But the only other person Syrus had been with all day was...

No, it couldn't have been... what could he have done to make Syrus this upset?

Jaden felt his stomach heave, as he suddenly recalled the last time he had spoken to him. He had obviously been unhappy when he'd left. Jaden shuddered. How could he be so stupid? How could he not have seen that that something was wrong? He'd tried to convince Syrus to let him go with him--why hadn't he tried harder?

Syrus felt the pressure of Jaden's impossibly tightened embrace, feeling his ribs press against him arms when he tried to inhale. He was even more startled to hear his friend's choked sobs, and feel his tears falling onto and rolling down his bare shoulders.

It wasn't until then that he realized that he wasn't wearing a shirt. Jaden must have pulled it off, trying to warm him up. It had been soaking wet and probably beginning to freeze to him in the cold, and Jaden knew he would probably die if he'd left it on.

He wanted him alive. But...why?

"Jaden, what's wrong?" he whimpered, feeling his own heart ache out of sympathy for his companion.

"Sy... I'm sorry," Jaden said, his voice hoarse and ragged. Syrus realized he must have had a sore throat. Had Jaden been crying before he'd woken up?

Crying over him?

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong," he said softly. "I did. This is all my fault... I don't care if you get mad at me, just don't cry, Jaden, please don't cry."

If he weren't so tightly constricted, he would have put his arms around Jaden, nuzzling his neck, any possible thing he could do to make him feel better without having to speak. It was all he could have done, even then, for he had nothing to say.

His own silent accusations of himself were enough. How could he have done such a thing? Maybe he wasn't worth anything, but he did have a reason to live. And that reason was Jaden.

He did care. He would miss him. He did want him.

Syrus cared about him.

He would have missed him.

And he did want him. He wanted him back.

The old Jaden, who liked him for who he was. Who didn't pity him, or grieve for him. Who didn't shed tears over anything, least of all Syrus' suicide, or his attempt at it anyway.

Jaden had only kissed him after he'd slit his wrists. He was only holding him now because he had almost died... Maybe he did really love him, but it didn't matter. Most of all, Jaden just felt sorry for him.

"I'm--fine," Jaden sighed after a moment. He drew a deep breath, then relaxed his grip slightly. Syrus, grateful for the freedom, sank back against him, closing his eyes.

"It's okay, Sy, you're gonna be all right," Jaden said, sliding his hand down Syrus' arm, and placing it on top of the other's. Gently, he curled his fingers under his palms. "You just scared me, that's all. What were you doing out there in the middle of the night, without your blazer? You could have frozen to dea--" He stopped short, his voice hardening. "Syrus. You didn't... did you?"

"What?" Syrus cried defensively. "Why would I--? I mean, I-I couldn't do that to you--"

"No, it's not what you'd be doing to be, it's what you'd be doing to yourself." Jaden sighed. "Since you didn't, then it doesn't really matter. But if that's not it, then what did happen?"

Syrus cringed, hoping the motion went un-noticed by Jaden. He hated to lie to him, but he couldn't tell him he'd tried to kill himself again. He knew he was a terrible person to decieve him, and to have even nearly hurt him so badly again. But he'd done it so he wouldn't hurt Jaden.

So what had that made it? Justifiable suicide?

"I... well, I finished washing off my arm, and I decided to go for a walk, to clear my head." He paused, keen to Jaden's faint, steady breathing, anxious as to whether he would believe it.

"I get it now," he said slowly. "But... then why didn't you take your blazer with you?"

"Well, I--uh... I took it off so I wouldn't get it wet while I was cleaning my cuts."

"No kidding," Jaden replied. Your shirt was dripping wet. What did you do, just lie under the faucet or something? And why didn't you put it back on before you left?"

Syrus paused, frantically thinking of an answer.

"I guess I was just so pre-occupied, I forgot all about it." It came out almost as much a question as a statement, almost as though he were asking Jaden whether he was really going to fall for this.

But instead of the pained accusation of being a liar and a loser, Syrus heard a deep sigh of relief escape him. He felt every muscle in Jaden's body relax, and his hand press down just slightly on top of his own.

"I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that. I got all worked up over nothing. It was just an honest mistake. Don't feel bad about it, I'm just glad you're all right."

He placed his free arm around Syrus. "Come on, you'd better get some rest. You've had a long day."

Syrus groaned. No kidding. And he'd just guaranteed himself a long night--restlessly berating himself for everything he'd done wrong that day. Even taking his own life seemed to be second in caliber beside lying to Jaden. The one person in the entire world who cared about him, and one of two people in the entire world he cared about. Jaden trusted him, and he'd let him down--again.

He sat up, twisting himself around to the side of the bed, and started to rise. He probably should get back in his own bed and--

"What are you doing?" Jaden asked.

Puzzled, Syrus turned and answered, "I'm going to be, like you told me."

Jaden smiled gently. "I didn't mean you had to leave. Come on, you're still cold from being out so long. If you sleep in my bed, I can keep you warm."

Syrus sat back down on the edge of the bed. What was this--another way for Jaden to show his sympathy? Or just an honest attempt to help him?

Either way, he was in no mood to refuse.

He lay back down, and Jaden pulled the blanket over him. He hung one arm over Syrus' side, pulling him close. Syrus shivered, in spite of himself. To think, if he'd just went on with his normal life, letting himself live like the worthless nobody he was, Jaden wouldn't have ever thought to do anything differently. Syrus would be in his own bed, hurting inside, except nobody would know.

He bit down hard on his lip, trying to fight back the tears. It shouldn't have had to come to this. To where he had needed to go this far to get where he was right now, and he was so miserable he couldn't even enjoy it.

For all this suffering, it almost wasn't worth it.