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Chapter 3: Case of the Flying sausage


"Aren't you going to thank me then?' Demanded Sam in a rather nasal voice as he burst into my dorm room- God knows how he manages it without setting off the klaxons and the whole slide thing. Janine likes to think that its because he looks so distinctively femine, but that doesn't explain why I had so much trouble trying to sneak Robbie into the room- he was so purtty.

Sam was giving me a weird, lop-sided smile, but that was probably because of the tremedously fat lip he was now sporting, courtesy of Janines surprisingly powerful right foot.

"For what exactly?' I asked in a snotty voice- he'd come in and interrupted me at the good bit, right when Michael was about to blast a couple of holes in Captain McCluskey and Sollozzo then hightail it over to Sicily.

Sam looked rather put out by my less than euphoric welcome, or perhaps he was just looking for some sympathy- he's always been a bit of a pansy when it comes to bodily harm. In our third year I "accidentally" knocked him off his broom during Quidditch try outs and broke his arm. The big girl refused to come out of the hospital wing for two weeks and made me stand three feet away from him at all times for the next six months- and he still somehow made the team ahead of me! There is just no justice in this world for people like me.

" For getting you into the party on Friday- although I'm already reconsidering letting Janine come." He muttered moodily, touching his swollen lip tentatively.

"Oh come on Sam, she did you a favour- you've got that whole "dangerous" look going now."

"Like James Bond?" He asked eagerly, pouting his lips so the bruise stuck out even further. Sam couldn't have been further from the sophisticated, suave Mr. Bond but I daren't tell him this and risk harming his sensitive male pride.

"Erm sure, just don't tell anyone who actually beat you up"

"She didn't beat me up- I'm at a disadvantage, I'm not allowed to hit girls" He bellowed "Besides Janine fights dirty- I thought you females were supposed to be regal and reserved- she's a bloody animal!"

Ah, this felt familiar, Sam and Janine warring over some stupid little thing, whilst I found myself caught in the middle trying desperately to ignore them both and carry on with something far more important, namely finishing the book that was laying abandoned in front of me. Yes school had well and truly begun again.


I've always loved the first week back, when you appretiate everything that little bit more because you've been away for so long and it all still seems so shiny and new and special. I especially enjoy meal times, being a product of your standard, nuclear muggle family I never tire of watching all that wonderful food suddenly appear by magic. However the experience is somewhat marred by the company I keep.

"Oi Macca are you going to finish that pasty?' Asked Sam with a mouth full of food- I swear boys have the worst eating habits, it's like that were all raised by pigs or something.

"Yes as it happens, thats why I'm still in the process of eating it!' I replied, waving it around in front of him to demonstrate my point. "Besides there's still a whole plate full left you lazy git."

Sam gazed across at me with desperate eyes.

"Yes but I'll have to stretch for them, and I'm not in a stretching mood." Why am I cursed with such moronic friends, I swear sometimes I just don't know what to do with them.

"Try stretching for this wanker." snapped Janine, throwing a sausage at him. She obvioulsy hadn't gotten over their fight from the previous night, but then again Janine never was one to let things go. I watched as said sausage bounced off his forehead onto his plate as the whole table stared at it in amazement.

"Are you eating that?' Peter asked after a moment of exagerrated silence, gulping it down in one without waiting for an answer or pausing to chew- bizarre. However Sam and Janine had chosen to ignore this strange happening, opting to stare hatefully at one another from across the table instead. Sometimes I think they're suffering from extreme sexual tension, but then other times I think they're just incredibly angry people who spend far to much time together.

"You crazy bitch, you almost had my eye out!" He hissed, choosing to ignore me as I snorted juice all over my skirt- I mean really, fancy having your eye pocked out by a flying sausage. "And I have a Quidditch match at the weekend- if we lose it'll be on your head."

"Wah, wah, wah I'm Sam and I'm going to go and cry about a big bad sausage" Retorted Janine in her sing song voice she only uses when she's incredibly pissed off- I have to say it was refreshing to hear it directed at someone else for once.

"I'm Janine and I think I'm great because I'm saving myself for Remus- let me go and angst and whine about it in my room for a whole fucking weekend then throw meat at my best friend because I'm so sodding sexually frustrated!" Sam snapped back, causing Janine to scream in mortification as Remus happened to be sitting not two people down from her. She gave him the most poisonous look I have ever seen her give anyone- like she wanted to simultaneously rip his penis off whilst gauging his eyes out. Even I could tell Sam had crossed some kind of line where friendship and keeping secret crushes secret were concerned, but he didn;t seem to think so, in fact he appeared rather chuffed at having finally managed to shut Janine up.

"You're an arsehole." She murmured in a deadly voice, before pushing her seat out and running from the room. We all watched her leave in morbid fascination, before I realised that all heads had turned to me.

"Oh right, this is the point where I'm supposed to go after her and do the whole reassuring best friend thing." I said after a moment of looking back at them all like they were crazy. As I walked past Sirius I heard him clap Remus on the back and say with a certain amount of pride. "Seems like someone's pining for some Moony love." Whatever the hell that means.

Remus I can report had gone the colour of Lilies hair and looked as though he'd very much like the ground to swallow him up along with all our dirty plates- he always has been the shy sort unlike his flamboyant best friends.


Janine for the most part divided her time between screaming about how much she wanted to castrate Sam and feed his "parts" to the giant squid, and then sobbing over what an idiot she'd looked and how she would never be able to go out in public again. I tried to look sympathetic but I still couldn't get over the whole big bad sausage thing. Am I immature, I think not.

And so Janine and Sam are no longer talking to one another, and apart from the occasional death glare they are chosing to pretend the other does not exist, which puts me in one hell of an ackward predicament. Oh well, guess I could just hide out on the roof until they've made up- should only take a couple of decades.


Hid out on the roof for the best part of the evening which, thankfully was warm and balmy. It's really rather pleasant sitting out there smoking the day away whilst making an attempt at doing some homework, although i've always been the two weeks after the final dead line knd of girl. Instead I distracted myself by firstly making a list of reasons I am happy to be back at school

1.) Don't have to make crazy excuses to the the parents whenever I want a smoke eg. I thought a raccoon was trying to attack the rubbish bins outside so I went over to investigate, then got into fight with said raccoon who ended up setting alight to rubbish with the matches it stole from next door- nastly little bugger! Oh and yes I am aware that we don't normally see Raccoons in Kent, those weirdos down the road must have smuggled one in illegally.

2.) Aforementioned meal times, although my experience thus far hasn't exactly been stellar. Tomorrow I'm sitting with the buddist kid in Hufflepuff- I need to rebalance my zen.

3.) All those sexy, sexy boys just ripe for the picking. How long do you have to go without sex before you can be considered a born again virgin, cos I;m telling you I'm feeling pretty virtuous and pure at the moment and I seriously don't like it!

4.) Seeing Sam and Janine again on a daily basis, although its nice to have my little refuge on the roof, thinking of staying there all weekend.

5.) Anticipation regarding party on Friday- I have this feeling in my bones that something major's going to happen... can;t fucking wait!


Just three more days till the party! I have devised a plan to pass the time by ignoring my two best friends who are to busy ignoring each other to notice this plan of action. In fact its not very good as it actually makes the time go much much slower,and I am actually contemplating talking to Lily as a result. Janine has become a vampire in reverse- only venturing out of the dormitories to go to classes during the day, then hiding out up there all evening. I don't know what she expects to happen if she dared to venture into the common room andhappened to runinto Remus, because as far as I can see the boy's over the moon about her crush, and with good reason. Janine is one sexy piece of arse with a sense of humour and brains to boot. Sadly she's plagued by ridiculously low self esteem and seemsto thinkthat Remus would laugh in her face if she were to bump into him. Am thinking of being hideously cruel tomorrow in Charms by stealing Remus's partner Sirius therefore forcing him to pair up with Janine- I am just to brilliant for this world mwahahaha. Janine's going to kill me.