A/N: more review replies, you say? ...oh... you didn't?
ah, well, you're getting them anyway.
angelic candy: you have a point there. several of them.
dreyacira: put your eyes back in your head! you'll need them for reading (and i imagine it couldn't hurt to have them for other things too). and thanks, that's why i like focusing more on the emotional/psychological side of the story. insight is my specialty- lol.
amberblood: definitely! i couldn't have this fic without him! and yes, eventually i'll get to that... it only took me nine chapters to get to the incest the first time/diabolical laugh/
kanarah j: ehh, well, i always have thought that the writers did make him a little dense... besides, who says he doesn't-- /claps hand over mouth/ ohh no you don't! read for yourself to find out what's going on, you weasel. lmao )
kath-chan: aw, don't cry! it's like somebody else said. aw, man, who WAS it? but the point is, they said that that was the thing about depression- it doesn't let you see the love.
shadowvixen: yes, yes he is. perhaps cuter.
k-gal5423: it was all right. ski boots are torture on my legs, but besides that... anyway, you have questions. that's... understandable. haaa, but seriously, just relax. you won't be able to find out the answers if your head explodes! roflmao- i don't know where that came from either.
ivan's kitsune: well, it's not so much refusal as denial. he's still with the inferiority complex, and he doesn't quite understand why jaden would love him. don't worry, he will...or will he? Oo ... sorry, but suspense just comes natural to me. and hopefully, there will be some kicking of zane's ass. see, always with me and the suspense! just roll with it, k?
sofa: hm... so do i. let's see, shall we? )
silver-serval: well... not exactly. but you'll see what i mean. i'm glad for your concern for wanting to keep the details straight.
ac-the-brain-supreme: no problem, of course i'll make him feel horrible. lol
snowbluerat: nah, not MY emotions really. just all the emotions i've ever had to deal with but would like to mull over in story form and put to my favorite characters. glad you're liking it. and if you need help sleeping, you could always try reading het fics. lol- that would put me to sleep, i don't know about you...
oh, and that reminds me. there was a very important detail that i got caught up in the excitement of writing this and left out. perhaps i should have mentioned earlier that the reason syrus didn't die and wasn't completely wasted was because his cuts weren't fatal, and while the blood loss did contribute to him eventually passing out, part of it was severe emotional exaustion. nice catch, snowbluerat. i'm glad there are such sharp people willing to help me hammer out the details (beta-less-ness sucks.)
ok that's all for now folks. let's get on with the story, then.
Carefully, carefully, he eased himself down. Further, until his legs hung over the end of the bed, and he could simply climb off, without waking Syrus. He felt kind of disappointed- it was such a shame to leave him there all by himself. But he had seen to it that Syrus hadn't woken up alone. He didn't need to be awake for this anyway, when Zane showed up.
Jaden turned back, smiling softly to himself as he watched him sleep. He got that same feeling he had all those nights before, except that the thought of how cute he was when he slept was replaced by a slight feeling of unease. He saw the way Syrus' eyes twitched, the shaky breathing, and knew his friend was in the throes of a bad dream.
That happened sometimes, and always, the next day, Syrus had become even more withdrawn. Now Jaden knew it had been out of shame, because Zane had made him feel that somehow he'd done wrong.
He felt the deep rage rush through him, like scalding water had taken the place of his blood. Syrus had done nothing wrong, except maybe lie to him. And even that was for the sake of protecting his brother.
The image of Syrus' badly injured wrist again came to mind, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to rid himself of it.
When he'd pulled the freezing shirt over Syrus' head, he'd taken care with removing the sleeves from both his arms, no longer able to remember which was cut. The right had been fine, and Jaden was especially cautious with freeing the left.
Finally, the sleeve had come off, revealing Syrus' injured arm. Jaden recalled starting, shocked by the sight of it, but trying to keep himself calm, so as not to do any more damage than was already done.
How could he?
Jaden tried to be accepting of people. He was no stranger to criticism, and he normally wouldn't be so quick to judge anybody.
But this was Syrus, for God's sake! Syrus, who would never do wrong if he could help it. Who had lived his entire life wanting nothing more than to gain his brother's respect.
Who would die for him.
Taking one final glance behind him, to assure himself that Syrus was still there, he turned the doorknob as slowly as he could and, stepping outside, slid it gently against the frame until he heard it click shut.
Now, all he had to do was wait.
O-O-O-O
How could this have happened? Why did it have to happen to Syrus, of all people?
Zane fought back his tears as he strode down the path. It was hard enough to see where he was going, it was so dark, and the wind stung his eyes and made them freeze until they burned. He rubbed his sleeve against his eyes roughly,
Was this how Syrus felt, always trying to keep in control of his emotions? He always lost those struggles with himself, but Zane wasn't used to it. He almost always won, so why should this time be any different?
Because he's my brother, and I love him, and because he almost died and it's all my fault.That's why.
At long last, the Slifer dorms came into sight. Zane hesitated noting the silhuette of a person standing on the deck outside one of the doors.
Jaden.
He wasn't going to be in a good mood, it didn't take a genius to be able to figure that much out. He'd seemed angry enough when he'd showed up at his door, and Zane wasn't even sure he'd known about the first incident.
Maybe Syrus had told him about-- no. Zane shook his head, denying it to himself. His own brother wouldn't betray him that way... would he?
But what about the way I betrayed himhe reminded himself. Everything I've ever done to hurt him, he has every right to.
Still, some small part of him still felt that it wasn't that Syrus wouldn't have the disloyalty to tell someone, but he wouldn't have the courage. As if he were too afraid of Zane to say anything at all.
That was what really hurt him. That his own little brother, who he had thought looked up to him and emulated him, was actually frightened of him.
It was wrong, it was all wrong. Zane should love his brother, not be in love with him. Syrus should love his brother, not be afraid of him.
He could have kept quiet just to protect him, but for what purpose? Syrus had no idea- he thought Zane hated him. What reason would there be to love someone if they didn't love you back, at least as far as he knew? If anything, he should have told just to get back at him.
But Syrus wasn't like that. He didn't have a hateful bone in his body. The thought of exacting revenge on anybody had probably never crossed his mind, although there had been some occaisons it could have. He couldn't hold a grudge as long as he could hold a fifty-pound weight. Syrus was so full of self-doubt, he was probably too afraid to offend anybody, and have them leave, to do anything about it.
Zane took one slow stpe forward, then another. He didn't care if Jaden knew or not, or even what he was going to do to him if he did. He had to see his brother. Syrus still had something to learn.
He couldn't lose his own brother that easily.
O-O-O-O
"Zane, I want to talk to you."
Zane kept his back turned to him, as if he didn't hear--or didn't care. Syrus stood at the far end of the dock, waiting for some kind of a response, but there was none.
"Zane," he pleaded. "Nii-san, I have to talk to you. Come on, it's important."
He turned, but only slightly, glaring at him out of the corner of his eye. "What did you call me?" he asked in his low, hoarse voice. Syrus couldn't read the expression on his face, but he sounded the way he always did when he addressed him--annoyed, perhaps angry. At least that was what he heard.
"Zane?" he guessed innocently.
"No, what did you call me?" Zane asked again, sounding more irritated.
"N-nii-i-san?" Syrus stammered. "Why? W-what's wrong?"
He started at his older brother as he turned away, entire body tensed, the sound of his ragged breaths somehow audible above the churning of the waves.
Zane sighed heavily, and turned back to face him, still keeping the rest of his body facing the sea.
"There's no way," he said harshly. "You cannot be my brother. There's just no way."
And with that, he edged one foot off the edge of the dock.
"Zane? What are you--Zane, no! Don't, please don't do this! Zane!" Syrus cried out, feeling himself rush forward to get to him, pull him back before he fell.
"Nii-san!"
He reached out, only to have his fingertips come in contact with the white material, before he could feel nothing but air, as Zane sank below the surface into the deep, black water.
O-O-O-O
"Zane!"
Syrus screamed, panting heavily. He reached out again, still feeling nothing.
No... He couldn't let him fall again...
Again?
He cleared his mind of everything, concentrating until his world shrank to every breath he took. And then it came to him. This had happened before, in a dream.
The dream that had woken him up just that morning. The dream that he'd confessed about to Jaden, which made him insist that he talk to Zane...
The dream that had caused this whole mess. Everything had been dormant. He could keep a safe distance from his brother, he could ignore the deep hurt inside of him. He could keep lying to himself.
It was too much to think about now. He just wanted to think about something else. Anything else.
Syrus opened his eyes. He wasn't at the dock. He was in bed, in his room.
He was also alone.
The previous scene flooded back into his mind. Jaden had been there just a moment ago, right beside him, hadn't he? He shuddered, still able to feel his arms around him. Feel the way Jaden's tears slid down his shoulder--he'd been crying over him. Another jolt ran through him, but it was a heavy and sickening feeling.
But where was he then?
Syrus slowly climbed out of bed. Every muscle in his body ached. His skin was sore, and every time it brushed against the sheets as he tried to get himself up, it almost burned. The worst sting of all came from the gashes on his wrists. He paused to look at them. They had seemed a lot less severe before, once the blood was washed away. Now the skin around them was bright red, and beneath the scabs, a clear liquid was beginning to form around the edges. It hurt him almost as much to look at as it did to know it was his arm. It was probably infected already, he'd waited so long to tend to his wounds.
But that was the least of his problems now. He had to find Jaden. Where could he possibly be, this late at night?
He weakly twisted the knob, and was about the pull the door open when he heard it.
"You can't see him."
Jaden?
"He's my brother."
Syrus held his breath. Zane was out there too?
"Yeah, well, you sure don't act like it."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is," Jaden snarled, "you don't do something like this to your brother. You shouldn't do it to anyone, especially not your brother."
Syrus carefully backed away from the door, praying the floor didn't squeak and let them know he was there. It was wrong to eavesdrop--this wasn't something he was supposed to hear. But they were talking about him, so he might as well. Whatever it was, he wanted to know. He pressed his back to the wall beside the doorway, sliding down to the floor.
"What are you talking about?" Zane demanded. So he did tell Jaden, he thought to himself. He couldn't decide if he was more angry or proud of him.
"You know what I'm talking about," Jaden snapped. "His wrist. What happened?"
"I saw the cuts." There was a long stretch of silence. "What? Do you think I did that to him?"
"No, I don't. I know you didn't do it to him. But you made him do it."
"How?" How could making him think I didn't love him make him want to kill himself? He still has you, what does he need me for? He's got someone else to live for now, someone that he knows loves him back.
"He told me what you did. What I want to know is why?"
"Why what? What did I do to make him cut himself?"
"You kissed him. And I want to know why."
Zane didn't answer him. He thought back to when it had happened. He'd just... he's lost control. All that time, he'd kept it inside of him, refusing even to accept that that feeling was there, until finally, it had just happened.
"Because I love him, that's why. He's my brother." Neither statement was a lie. He did love Syrus, and he was his brother. It wasn't the kind of love you had for someone because he was your brother, but Jaden would make that connection anyway, so Zane could just let him think what he wanted to.
"Somehow he decided you did it because you hated him. Now where would he get that idea?"
Unknown to either of them, both Zane and Syrus cringed at the tone of Jaden's voice. Usually he seemed so cheerful and upbeat, but now he seemed so bitter, so hostile. This wasn't anything like him.
"Well, he thought wrong. I don't hate him."
"Then why did you break his arm?"
There was a dead silence. Zane's eyes widened, pupils dialated with fear. He was only grateful that Syrus wasn't around to see him now. He would hardly recognize him, with such a... human expression on his face. Showing such emotion--it just wasn't like him.
"His arm is broken?"
"You should know--you were the one who did it!" Jaden shouted, stepping forward. Despite himself, Zane staggered back, trying to keep his footing. He gripped the freezing metal railing, knowing that if he were to go over it... well, it would be a long way to the ground. And Jaden seemed very willing to help him down.
"How do you figure that?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice steady.
"How else would it have happened?" Jaden challenged. "You probably did it when you got him alone with you, didn't you? I knew I shouldn't have let him go by himself."
Zane felt his muscles, so tightly constricted, relax just a bit. So Syrus hadn't told him anything. Jaden just assumed it had been him.
"I wouldn't hurt my brother." That wasn't exactly lying, was it? He would never try to hurt Syrus. He just hadn't been thinking. He hadn't meant to hurt him.
Syrus felt his throat tighten. How could Zane lie like that? He had been the one to twist his arm. He knew Zane was just trying not to anger Jaden any further, but still... he was lying. It wasn't true. He would hurt Syrus and he did hurt him.
"Then what else could it be?" Jaden clearly didn't believe him.
"How should I know? Alexis said you found him in the woods. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he fell and hurt himself that way?" Technically, he still hadn't lied. He was just suggesting that it might have happened, not that it had. And that would have been lying.
"Maybe, but he didn't."
Zane stared at him questioningly. "How do you know that?"
Jaden narrowed his eyes, glaring at him, and replied coldly, "You just told me."
"What do you mean? I didn't tell you anything."
"Yes, you did. When I said that he didn't, you assumed that I knew, and you dropped you act. I thought you were lying, but now I know you were."
Syrus felt deep guilt, and with it, a heavy feeling of unease, wrap around his heart. If Jaden knew that Zane had been lying, did he know that Syrus really had left his blazer on purpose? That he had gone out like that on purpose?
He rested his head on his knees and held his arms around his legs.
And now Jaden knew that Zane really had hurt him. So it was only a matter of time before he got around to accusing Syrus of lying to him about what had happened between them in Zane's room, too.
Jaden, he pleaded silently. Please don't be mad... don't be mad at me, or at Zane. He didn't do anything wrong, he just did what anybody would do to someone as pathetic as me. Well, anybody but you, anyway.
"Jaden, I--"
"Go."
"What?" Again, Zane was caught off by the tone of Jaden's voice, now even harded and more furious.
"I said go! Get out of here!"
Syrus twisted back around and scrambled away from the door. He'd been startled to hear Jaden sound so angry before, but now he was absolutely terrified. He pulled himself up by the edge of the bed, hurrying to pull the covers over himself and lay as still as he possibly could. He was too frightened even to move.
He squeezed his eyes shut, and curled up as tightly as he could, but he still could hear the two of them arguing outside the door.
"I'm not leaving until I see my brother. I want to know that he's all right--"
"Why do you even care? It's your fault that he's not all right. Besides, he's sleeping, and I don't want to wake him up. He doesn't want to see you anyway."
"How do you know?"
"Why would he want to see you anyway? Just leave him alone!"
Zane ground his teeth together. "I can't do that. I need to see him."
"Leave...him...alone."
The empty silence that followed was choking Syrus, and he didn't realize that he was holding his breath until his chest began to hurt. He inhaled and exhaled as quietly as he could, straining to hear any reply from his brother.
But Zane said nothing. When the door swung open, slamming against the wall and hen slamming shut, Syrus knew that he had taken Jaden's advice and left.
If Jaden thought that Zane coming to see him would disturb his sleep, did he think all this yelling and banging was some sort of lullaby or something?
He heard Jaden's footsteps coming closer and closer to the bed, and he froze completely, feeling every joint lock up. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. Jaden had just lost his mind, who knew what he would do next? Syrus had no idea what to expect, he just knew that it couldn't be good.
Instead, he kneeled on the edge of the bed, and carefully pulled himself back into his place against the wall, pulling the covers back up over both of them and again and putting his arm back over Syrus.
The bluenette wondered if he could feel the tremors running through his body, the way he went absolutely still at his touch. He wondered if Jaden knew he was really wide awake. After all, he knew now that Jaden couldn't be fooled so easily.
But soon he heard Jaden's breathing become steady. He was asleep.
Syrus sighed softly. It must be nice to be able to sleep so soundly. No nightmares, no worries, at least not now. Syrus couldn't even escape his troubles in his sleep.
okay, that's about enough angst for one chapter, don't you think?
sorry to make jaden so OOC, but the way i see it, his character on the real show never had to deal with a friend's near-suicide before, so i;m just making my own guess as to how he would react.
anyway, thanks for the reviews, and a specal thanks to silver-serval and snowbluerat for their sharp eyes for detail. R & R )
