dannyfentonismyhomeboy: well... in the immortal words of larry the cable guy, "second cousins don't count." so.. i guess just first cousins? i wouldn't know, i'm not THAT much of a redneck, but i guess anyone that cloesly related, it would be considered incest. oh, and thanks, i do my best. now if only i could do better... lol
shadowvixen: well ok, if it will make you feel better.
silver-serval: exactly right. plus i kinda tried to imply that he was stalling as he got closer... ah, never mind. good work.
marthsgirls: yes, homework is everybody's anti-yaoi, isn't it? but since yaoi is mah anti-drug, and drugs are worth money, and money is the root of all evil, and homework prevents yaoi (the anti-drug)... homework is the root of all evil! see, this is why i try not to think too much. it causes general paranoai and upset. yay. lmao thanks for the reviews (all of them).
sofa: i am? cool! i've actually seen a story that was around sixty chapters long, and if that went the same way you say my story does, everybody would kill themselves by then! good thing i don't carry on so, eh?
ivan's kitsune: yeah, and i 'almost' didn't want to write him getting a severe tongue-lashing. ALMOST. in the end, it was just too much fun. hope i could clear up that thing that was annoying you. i hate pissing people off when i don't mean to (but when i do- major LOLs).
snowbluerat: well, too much suicidal stuff in one chapter would be overkill (no pun intended... until now).
kath-chan: i love the whole "protective" thing as much as you do. that would be so sweet to see in the real anime, all drawn out... note to self: make time for plotting. lol
dreyacira: the way i see it, psychology is more interesting. i'd rather focus on what's going on in someone's head than--er, than anywhere else. intense emotional scenes are my favorites.
m.zhang-marafuji ryou lover: aww, don't feel bad! i don't hate zane either. he's only as angst-ridden as everyone else in this story. and as to whether jaden hates zane... well, that's just going to stay a surprise for now, k?
angelic candy: jaden was kinda too caught up in being mad to care if zane had peace of mind. perhaps wanted him to suffer a little...? and as for whether zane will ever get to see syrus again, EVER--well, that's for me to know, and you to find out. and no problem, your story was freaking sweet.
amberblood: aw, don't cry! i try to make my dillemmas interesting.
k-gal5423: nice french--LOL. just relax, man. of course he has to give up at some point, he is very badly hurt on the inside. yeah, i'm always sarcastic like that. but really, it's not giving up--damn, you people need to stop with the reverse psychology, spoilers just aren't my thing, you know? haa. and what of alexis? good question. you'll see.
kanarah j: ooh, i don't know... perhaps he might, perhaps me might not. it's ok, i think it would be interesting too. glad you like my angst-writing abilities. i try to keep it good, if i don't like it, how do i expect anyone else to? and i'm glad you do.
just someone: that's ok, as long as you're liking it
wackyjacky2: brilliant? well, i don't know about that, but thanks.
xxsexiitxx: three WEEKS? you poor thing... thanks for the comment though.
alph.: well, i try. i hate to see characters just completely out of their persona, even in fiction. i don't know, though, later on maybe you got let down a little. i sure hope not, because that would suck. hope you're enjoying it.
beautyheart18: you'll see... /more evil diabolical laughter/
O.o-moon light fire demon-O.o: don't die on me, damn it! lol
w.w.w. 147: agreed. angst is good.
hyperryu-chan 69: thanks
ac-the-brain-supreme: of course he would. Oo
It wasn't the cold that woke him--normally he could sleep through anything. Well, almost anything, if he didn't count Syrus' morning habit of badgering him until he came to consciousness.
It was his favorite thing to wake up to, Syrus sporting his adorable trademark pout, that pleading look in his big, beautiful grey eyes. Then there were the times he caught himself, still half-asleep, thinking that it was too bad all he was pleading for was for him to get dressed and on his way to class.
It was really just remnants of some dream or another. He would pull Syrus close and press his lips to the other's. He could spend all night that way. Come to think of it, he could do that if it weren't a dream.
Of course, that was before he was completely awake, and could contemplate about how wrong that was.
On the other hand, that was before. Now there were so many worse things that had come to his attention, and he couldn't be bothered with that anymore.
Didn't mean he couldn't still feel that way. After all, now he knew...
Jaden thought for a moment. How long had it been, that this feeling had been closing in on him, before it had taken over? How many times had he laid eyes on Syrus and seen nothing more than his friend, before he realized that he saw more?
Was it fair to him that Jaden had kept it from him so long? Was it fair that he had waited to tell him?
Syrus didn't feel loved. He didn't know... If he had, would he ever have slit his wrists? Would he ever have gotten so down on himself that he had tried to confront Zane? Jaden knew that had been a mistake. After all, where had that gotten any of them?
Jaden tried to focus. He had to re-direct that train of thought before he actually came to think the words: It's all my fault. After all, he would have nothing to feel guilty about if it hadn't been for Zane. He'd severed his ties with Syrus, and Jaden had simply picked up where he left off. Sort of stepped in, filling the role of brother, of protector, of role model. He had always been more than 'just a friend' to Syrus before. Now was no different.
Finally, that sorely-missed distraction came to him.
Where was Syrus?
Jaden propped himself up, squinting to read the alarm clock on the desk. Oh, it's only eight-twenty-six-- wait, eight-twenty-six? Class is already started! Why didn't Sy--
Trying to move his way over to the edge of the bed, he looked down at the sleeping form by his side.
Like a bad dream, the night before triggered in his memory. Getting Syrus back to sleep. His argument with Zane. It made his head hurt just thinking about it. Syrus must really have been out of it, not to hear anything.
Jaden glanced back down at his friend. Should he even try to wake him? After everything he'd been through yesterday, class was out of the question. He was definitely still exhausted, and more than likely he'd caught a cold. What was more, how would he even face anybody? He wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a good liar. Chances were, he would break down and tell someone.
Then what? Suspension? Expulsion, even? What would they do with him? Jaden writed at the thought of his sensitive, high-strung friend locked up in an institution. He wasn't insane yet, but he would be if he was put in one of those places. Cold, sterile, and more than anything lonely. Syrus would be so lost there.
And Jaden would be lost without him.
He smiled sadly at Syrus, and put his hand gently on his shoulder.
"Syrus," he whispered softly. "Syrus? You okay? Sy--"
He leaned over, gently pressing his lips to Syrus' forehead.
"What the...?" Jaden pulled away, and placed his hand to his friend's flushed skin. Syrus was burning up.
The blunette let out a low moan, and stirred, but didn't wake up.
Jaden sighed. There was no way he could go to class, and leave Syrus alone like this. He needed somebody to take care of him...
Even more that usual.
He grimaced at the thought. Wasn't that how this whole mess had started? Syrus considered himself a burden. He wasn't stupid--he just didn't know. He wasn't aware of the fact that everybody needed help sometimes. Not everybody could live without someone to love them and care about them.
What he needs, Jaden thought gravely, is to stop following his brother's lead.
He settled back down, slipping one arm underneath the younger boy and pulling him close. Jaden felt him trembling violently, the colvulsion never ceasing. It was worse than he thought--Syrus was really ill.
But what was he going to do? Take him to the school nurse? She'd have to ask what happened, and he'd have no choice but to tell her. And she'd keep on asking, too. Why was he out so late? What was bothering him? What happened?
And there was no way to answer those questions without betraying Syrus' trust. Without running the risk of him ending up in an asylum.
But he couldn't just not get him help. What if Syrus... Jaden bit back his emotion, the potent and unbearable combination of panic and grief that had overtaken him before.
He couldn't ignore it, either. The questions, those merciless 'what ifs', just kept coming. What if Syrus died? Worse yet, what if he lived, and was taken away? What if he lived, and stayed at the academy, bearing this burden and having to face Zane day after day? The possibility of Syrus winding up in an asylum bothered Jaden the most.
What if he was taken away?
For a fleeting moment, it seemed kind of cruel to think Syrus would be better off dead, but at least he would be at rest. Not like in one of those places, where he'd be kept alive inside those cold, sterile walls, all by himself. He'd go in troubled and come out mad.
Jaden shook his head--hard--almost as if to force those thoughts out. There was no way that was going to happen. It just... couldn't.
Still, he couldn't help but hold Syrus just a little tighter. He knew it wouldn't help anything, but at this point he was willing to do anything--no matter how irrational--to protect him.
Hearing those weak, gasping breaths only troubled him further. Syrus was in trouble, whether Jaden got help for him or not.
He ran his hand up and down Syrus' back, speaking softly to him, although the trembling was caused by his sickness, he probably was still upset anyway. It didn't really even matter what he said--it wasn't as if Syrus was really hearing any of it, and if he was, the fever kept him from understanding a word.
And so Jaden told him. There were so many things he couldn't express in just three words. It wasn't just love--it was regret. He wanted to ask him if he could have saved him, if he'd told him sooner. He wanted to tell him that he knew what Zane had done to him, and that he wasn't angry, just confused. Didn't Syrus trust him? What did he think Jaden would do if he knew?
Most of all, he wanted to say that he wished he could see what it was like. Love without all this regret. To be able to get close to Syrus, without getting so tangled up in these problems, without ruining him further.
But then again, who cared what he said? Certainly not Syrus. It was as if he could hear what Jaden was saying, but didn't understand. His voice seemed to be calming him down, and even if it wasn't really true, at any rate Jaden could feel him beginning to relax. Whatever state this fever had him in, he was getting better. Not by a lot, but it was something.
"Jaden!"
Jolted from his reverie, he turned back as far as he could while still holding Syrus, to see Alexis standing at the door, his blazer clutched in one hand, her arms folded across her chest. She made her way over to the bed, avoiding eye contact until she stood right beside him.
If he didn't know any better, he'd have thought she was... mad... about something.
But her tone was the same as always when she said, "I.. I came to see how you were doing."
"Huh?" Jaden was confused. Didn't she mean that she came to see how Syrus was doing? "He's sick, Alexis. He's got a fever, and--"
"No, Jaden, I mean how are you doing? Last night... you know... you seemed pretty upset--"
"Syrus could have been dead," he interrupted her, forcing the words to form. "Of course I was upset."
Alexis gave a small nod. Idiot, she scolded herself. You saw him last night. There's no way he's all right. And now Syrus is sick.. he's probably feeling even worse.
"I'm sorry, I just- I was worried about you. So, how is he?"
Jaden sighed heavily, and cast a painful glance at the boy lying limply in his arms. "Not good. Staying out so long really did a number on him. I think it's serious."
"You can just stay here. I'll get the nurse to come--"
"No."
"What?" Alexis, surprised, stopped dead in her tracks, and turning on her heel walked stiffly back to the bed. "Jaden, what are you talking about? If he's sick, then we need to find out what's wrong with him."
Jaden sat quietly, keeping his eyes focused on Syrus. He looked pained... torn... as if he were having one of those debates with himself again. Why wasn't he answering her? What was wrong? Why wouldn't he let her get someone to help Syrus?
"Jaden."
"You can't. I don't know.. what if they..?"
"What if they what? Jaden, what's going on? Why can't we get him help?"
"They're going to take him away. Lock him up in some mental hospital or something."
Alexis bit her lip, thinking of the night before. She already knew that Syrus had tried to kill himself, and if Jaden was so hesitant to get him to a doctor, then there was probably some kind of physical evidence of it. She'd wanted to know so badly what was going on... and now she didn't even care anymore. She could put her curiosity on hold for now. It was obvious to her by now that her feelings didn't matter to anyone--Jaden or herself--nearly as much as Syrus did. What was important was to help him. She could worry about what she was helping with later.
"I know... but look at him, Jaden. There's something really wrong with him. I know you're afraid of what will happen to him if anyone finds out, but what if you keep him here and... you know..." Alexis couldn't quite bring herself to finish the sentence, but they both knew what she was trying to say.
"And you're saying he'll be any better off there?"
Alexis instinctively stepped back, suddenly made fearful by his outburst. Still her thoughts drew back to the night before, when he had seemed so... so much like he was on the edge. When it came to Syrus, and when it came to his safety and his happiness, Jaden became almost like a different person.
And it wasn't the person she loved.
What had happened to that boy, so full of confidence and spirit?
Not only that, but what had happened to Syrus? Sure, he was the weaker of the two, but not like this. He'd been getting so much better since he'd met Jaden. He believed in himself. He wasn't at all the same weak, hopeless kid that Zane had told her about before.
They made each other so happy just by being friends, and now caring for each other was what was making them so miserable.
"Well, if he tried to... you know... " Why can't I just come out and say it? He tried to kill himself. He almost died. It's the truth. What is so hard?
A look back at Jaden holding onto Syrus as if he expected them to come and take him away any moment, was all she needed to remind herself. The Jaden she loved was still in there somewhere, and she didn't want to see him hurt. The very mention of it would just cause him more heartache.
"What I'm saying is, maybe it's not just medical attention he needs. Syrus is a nice kid and all, but there's obviously something very wrong with him. I know you would miss him--" Do I ever "--but he would probably be a lot safer there. And they could probably help him get over whatever's bothering him. He'd be a lot happier."
There was a long pause, and Alexis shifted uneasily in the silence, waiting, and watching Jaden as he sat perfectly still, deep in thought. With his eyes closed, it was impossible to tell what was going through his head.
He only wanted what was best for Syrus, but obviously he felt that the best thing was to try and keep him at the academy at any cost--even his life. Was it, though? Could Syrus really believe that being seperated from Jaden really be a fate worse than death?
Alexis had to admit that that sounded about right. She'd gone over that scenario in her head a few times herself. She never meant to, but sometimes the realization of just how good a duelist Jaden was came to her when she least wanted to consider it. He was going to be famous someday, and for all her talent, she just wasn't. He'd go off and become the next king of games, the way he liked to boast about it, and forget all about her.
And as disappointing as that sounded, she had to ask herself, did it really mean that much to her? Sure, he was nice. Cute, funny, and naturally an underdog. All the qualities of your basic boy-next-door, plus incomparable talent. She'd only seen him lose one duel in all the time she'd known him, after all, and even that was to Zane, so it hadn't come as a major shock...
That was just it. He was great. And she did want to tell him how she felt. But between his being inseperable from Syrus, and her own hesitations, those rare moments she got alone with him always ended up seeming wasted.
If he was so wonderful, why did it matter? Wasn't it worth the risk of rejection, just because she might have had a shot?
Only now she knew that she didn't, and she never had.
Not only did Jaden love Syrus more, but the feeling was mutual. Had that been the realization that had driven the bluenette over the edge?
She shook her head, trying to deny it to herself. No... Jaden had told her, however vaguely, that this was Zane's doing.
Zane... what had ever happened to him, anyway? She'd have to remember to ask Jaden, assuming he ever snapped out of it. He'd been heading that way the other night, so chances were he had made it there. But the way things were trending, she couldn't begin to imagine how that might have turned out.
"You're right."
Jaden spoke quietly, as if in defeat. Alexis sat reluctantly beside him on the edge of the bed, not daring to disturb him.
"You're absolutely right," he said again. "It's just... well, say he does end up in an asylum. Sure, we'll have saved his life, but--"
"You're afraid he'll be mad at you."
"No, it's not that. I mean, I don't think he'll be mad. Just... disappointed. I mean, he trusts me. And I know he wouldn't want that."
"But Jaden--"
"I know, I know, you're right. Maybe he can get through this. We do need to get him some help, because obviously I can't do it on my own."
He sounded so hurt. Alexis bit her lip. Did he blame himself for this? He'd said just last night that what was going on was Zane's fault. She clenched her teeth. What the hell was going on?
"Jaden, what happened?"
He looked up, startled by the demand. "Huh?"
Alexis paused. Idiot, he doesn't know what you're talking about. She knew they were all changing. Before all of this, she never would have spoken before she gave it at least some thought.
But that was before. What mattered was now.
"I mean," she said, trying her best to regain her composure, "what's going on? I want to help you, and I want to help Syrus, but I can only do so much without knowing what I'm doing and why I'm doing it."
"I don't think Syrus would--"
"Look at him," she interrupted, gesturing to the frail boy lying limply in his arms. "I know he would want you to tell me. You have to do what's best for him. Maybe he doesn't want ayone to know, but he obviously needs someone to take the wheel for him, at least for now. He can't take care of himself. Jaden, he needs you."
Jaden ran his hand up and down Syrus' back, staring straight ahead, so completely lost in thought. Come to think of it.. he just looks lost.
But he wasn't lost at all. He was right there, feeling the sting of Syrus' fevered skin under his hand. The shaky way his chest moved up and down with each labored breath. The pitiful, sick boy lying helplessly against him.. Alexis was right. Syrus did need him. He probably wouldn't be angry at him for saving his life, after all. And even if he was, it wouldn't matter at all. Maybe he would resent Jaden for telling her, but at least he would live to resent it.
"This is my fault."
"Huh?" Alexis, startled, snapped to full attention, her mind going blank. "What... what do you mean, your fault? You told me--"
"Yeah, I know," Jaden interrupted. "But I'm the one that... I mean, if I had just stayed out of it... "
"Stayed out of what?"
Jaden paused, before finally answering, "Them. Both of them. Syrus and Zane were doing just fine, you know, not speaking, until I went and made Syrus try and talk to him. Well... I guess I was wrong. Zane didn't hate him at all. In fact, he loved him so much he went and kissed him--" He forced back the bile in his throat. It didn't even sound right. That heartless monster even touching his Syrus... hurting him... breaking him and driving him mad..
"Kissed him?" Alexis repeated incredulously. That didn't sound like something Zane would do. Then again, none of them were doing things they usually would. But still, this seemed even more strange to her.
"Yeah... well, the point is, Syrus thought he did it because he hated him, and I guess he just bolted. All I know is, I got back to the dorm maybe a couple of hours later, and found Sy passed out on the floor. He cut his wrists open. He... he tried to... kill himself..."
Jaden stopped speaking for a moment, just to keep control of his breathing, just trying his best to get the words to form despite the constricting of his chest. Alexis, feeling more and more helpless, turned away, eyes locked on the floor, trying to focus on anything else.
The only thing that caught her eye was the discoloration of the carpet around the desk. Faded, but still noticable, the faintly reddish stain spread out for about a foot from one clean spot near the chair.That must be where he was when Jaden found him. She remembered the way Jaden had been acting when he'd found Syrus in the woods--bewildered, grief-stricken, seeming almost physically pained at not knowing if the other boy was still alive. She could only imagine the same scene playing out in this room.
"So... like an idiot... I took him back over there... "
Alexis started, so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she had forgotten Jaden was still trying to speak. "Jaden.. you're not an idiot. You didn't know."
"But I should have. I should never have let him go alone.."
"Didn't you just day you went with him?"
"Yeah, but he insisted on talking to Zane alone. So they went into his room and I waited for them. I could kind of hear Syrus crying, but I knew he was upset, so I thought he was all right. And he wasn't. I should have known better. After he came back out, Sy told me that they made up, and that everything was okay. I believed him. He looked like he was all right.
"And then I went and left him alone, to clean the blood off of his arm. He told me he would be right back, and I believed that, too. It was another stupid mistake. I came back here and went to sleep. I don't know when exactly I woke up, but it was late, and Sy still wasn't back yet. So I went to look for him, and he was gone. The floor was all wet, and he'd left his jacket on the floor. He went out there all by himself, and... I thought he was... he... that he was trying to kill himself again. I.. I just panicked. And I ran out after him. So, yeah, that's where you came in."
Nodding silently, she leaned over to look straight into his eyes.
"Jaden, please don't blame yourself. You were only trying to help. Zane was the one who--"
"That was when I promised myself, promised Syrus, that I wasn't going to make any more mistakes like that. I knew better than to believe him anymore, and I knew better than to believe Zane, either." He glanced down. "Look at his arm, the left one. Look at his wrist."
Alexis did so, and suppressed a cry of shock. "Ohhhh... h-how--?" she stammered. "How.. did it g-get so... I mean, um.. I didn't think c-cutting yourself would make your arm swell up that badly."
"It doesn't," Jaden replied shortly. "But what does make it swollen is having your older brother break it."
Staring wide-eyed with shock, Alexis tore her eyes away from the gruesome sight and looked back up at him. "You mean.. Zane did this? Why?"
"I don't know," he snapped. Then, seeing the hurt look on her face, added, "I'm sorry, it's just... I don't know what made him do it, but when I saw it, I felt like going out and breaking his arm. I mean, how could he? What did Sy ever do to him, beside idolize him and talk about him like he was some kind of a hero or something? He wanted to be just like him.. he was so down on himself because he wasn't as good as Zane. He wasn't as good a duelist as Zane, but dueling's about the only thing that guy's got going for him. At least Syrus is a good person. He's sweet, and he's caring, and he's... " He's beautiful. He's an angel. I love him. "He deserves better. Nobody should be treated that way, but especially not Syrus."
Alexis caught the tiny hint of a smile while he paused. No matter how depressed or angry he was, just thinking about Syus, talking about his sweet, caring boyfriend, always brought a smile to his face. Like you can't do? she thought bitterly to herself. And why not? That's what they were, anyway, boyfriends. There was no 'girlfriend' in this situation. Just a girl he likes as a friend.
"You're right," she said quietly, not even thinking. "He does deserve better. He deserves you."
"What?" Jaden replied. "I didn't hear you."
"Oh! Um.. nothing. Just talking to myself, I guess. Come on, we have to get him to a doctor. We'd... um... we'd better hurry."
Abandoning interest in her remark, Jaden nodded. Carefully, he lay Syrus back down on the bed, and stood up, stretching his stiff arms and legs. He slid one arm behind his sleeping friend's neck, and other other underneath the crook of his legs, and lifted him as gently as he could.
"Uh, mind getting the door, Lex?"
The blonde girl obliged, and waited while Jaden walked out, feeling the edges of the doorknob pressing painfully into her hand. She slammed the door shut behind her and began walking after him.
sorry it took so long to update. damn writer's block! okay, you all know what to do. m/l
