Author's Note: The first of two chapters taking place during 2x9, "Love Me Dead."
Then Came Love
Chapter 30
Thank goodness for Alexis, Kate thought. Being asked to meet with Alexis and her curiosity over whatever it was Alexis wanted to talk about with her (but was not comfortable talking to Castle about) had served as a distraction from how useless Kate had been feeling all day since the discovery the night before that Jack Buckley, star assistant DA, had been murdered.
The Cape Fear factor, as she was mentally calling it (not that she would ever admit as much to Castle)—the reality that much, if not all, of Jack Buckley's life had revolved around crime and criminals–meant that she had been relegated to the sidelines all day. The boys had been the ones to bring in and interrogate John Knox, the criminal who had caused a scene in Buckley's office the other day, as well as Norman Jessup, the other criminal who'd been stalking Buckley. Kate's sole participation in the case so far, aside from watching the interrogations through the glass, had been to question Scarlett Price, the call-girl who also worked in Buckley's office. And that had really only been after she'd given the boys a look that may have persuaded them to relent and let her talk to Scarlett, because she was another woman and not a suspect in the murder. Being able to question a person of interest only as a favor had grated a little but it was better than nothing. And admittedly, it had been an eye-opening interview in revealing that Buckley had been seeing a call girl but had still not exactly been a breakthrough moment.
So Kate had not had a good day. But at least, meeting Alexis gave her something else to think about and the thought that Alexis wanted to confide in her made her feel less useless.
She smiled as the teen breezed through the door of Sutton's, a backpack slung over one shoulder. "Hey, Alexis."
She was a little surprised as Alexis gave her a quick, half-hug of greeting with one arm. "Hi, Kate. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me."
"Of course, anytime. Why don't we get a table and some food and you can tell me what's on your mind," she suggested.
Alexis agreed with a smile and they were soon seated.
"How are you and Paige doing?" Kate asked as they started to look over the menus.
Alexis blinked a little at the question. "Me and Paige?"
"After the Feggin incident," Kate clarified carefully.
Alexis's lips twisted a little as she sobered. "Well, we've talked and she sort of apologized and she agreed to talk to our teacher and tell her that I shouldn't be penalized for her mistake."
"So everything's fine?" Kate asked cautiously. From Alexis's tone and her expression, she doubted it.
The girl grimaced ruefully. "Yes–no–I'm not sure. I mean, we're still hanging out and everything like we usually did but… I don't know. I guess I'm just not as sure I can trust her anymore."
Kate made a little face of sympathy, even as she mentally thanked the higher powers that she was no longer in high school. She didn't miss all that teenage drama–not that her adult self was all that much better at dealing with emotional issues. She pushed the niggling thought aside as the server returned to take their orders and then when the server had gone, responded gently, "That's understandable. Paige made a mistake which I'm sure she understands now and you have to decide if one mistake, even a big one, is worth more than your years of friendship."
Alexis made a small face. "I suppose but it's just hard. Knowing she could do something like that, killing Feggin after we took care of him the way we did–I know, Feggin wasn't really alive or anything but still… If she can do something like that, I don't know how to trust what she says about anything or anyone she cares about."
She suppressed a sigh. "I know what you mean, Alexis, and that's entirely understandable. It is hard. All I can say is to give it some time."
"Yeah, that's what Dad said too," Alexis agreed rather glumly.
There was a long pause and finally, Kate met the girl's eyes and ventured, "So what did you want to talk about?"
Alexis hesitated a little and then asked, "How are you feeling, Kate? Is it hard being at work and everything?"
Kate blinked but accepted the diversion. This wasn't an interrogation after all and if Alexis wanted to slowly work her way to the topic, that was fine. "I'm fine, Alexis, thanks for asking. I'm a little tired but work isn't too bad. I don't know if your dad's mentioned it but I'm on limited duty these days anyway so I'm not allowed to do much more than paperwork really." She left unsaid that her limitations at work were irritating; she was not going to start complaining, not to say whining, to a teenager and Castle's daughter at that.
Alexis smiled slightly. "Oh good. I hope Dad's been behaving himself, not causing too much trouble."
Kate smiled. "I appreciate that but you don't have to worry about it. Your dad has been behaving himself. He's been really helpful, actually, especially lately with my limited duty and all that." He was still keeping her supplied with tea and healthy snacks and although it wasn't exactly new, he made a point of staying beside her as much as possible, in arms' reach, and she knew he was surreptitiously (or not so surreptitiously) keeping an eye on her to see if she became lightheaded or anything again. It was a little irritating at times but she did appreciate that he was keeping his concern silent and unobtrusive. And she'd found that his watchfulness somehow made her more mindful of her own need to be careful, which she had to admit (reluctantly) was probably a good thing.
Alexis's expression softened and warmed at this assurance of her dad's behavior. "Dad likes to help people, you know, and he is good at taking care of people and I'm sure he'll be happy to help you however he can right now and when the baby comes too."
"I know that, Alexis," Kate answered gently.
Alexis looked down at the table, her fingers fidgeting with the corner of her napkin for a moment, before she looked back up at Kate. "That's, well, sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."
Kate inwardly frowned. Alexis wanted to talk about how Castle would help with the baby? "Okay, what is it, Alexis?"
"It's–well, it's like this–my school is starting a foreign exchange program in France. The program lasts three weeks and it would be next spring, April to be exact."
April. As in five months from now, as in when the baby was due. The baby. Oh lord, the baby was going to come along in April and it suddenly felt like way too short a time. It still felt so… odd to think of having a baby so she'd tended to think of the baby's birth as being a long time from now but a few months wasn't a long time at all, was it? She felt a surge of nerves, not to say panic. Oh god, she wasn't ready for this. Could not possibly be ready for any of this by April.
She couldn't think about this now, she told herself sternly. She could–would–panic later, but right now, she had Alexis to worry about. Alexis, who was talking about a foreign exchange program in April. Oh, Kate was starting to see what Alexis might be saying. "Okay," Kate said slowly. "If you're curious about studying abroad–" she began, half-hoping this was Alexis's question.
"I know," Alexis inserted, "Dad mentioned once that you studied abroad while you were in college."
Did Castle remember everything Kate had ever told him? She suspected he did–and couldn't decide if it was a little strange and at the same time, oddly… touching too. Entirely unbidden, she suddenly remembered that Will hadn't remembered what her favorite ice cream flavors were or that she'd never really liked cheesecake or– She cut off the thought, cudgeling her mind back to focus on Alexis.
"So I wanted to talk to you about this anyway. But beyond that, well, it would mean missing Dad's birthday, which I'm not sure about…" Alexis made a small rueful face and Kate felt a little pang of compassion since she could imagine how much Castle would hate that, although she also knew he was too good a dad to say any such thing to Alexis if Alexis decided to go. He would never try to hold Alexis back because of his own feelings.
"But more than that," Alexis went on, "I started to think about the baby and, well, that's when the baby is due pretty much, isn't it, Kate?"
Kate felt herself flushing, her own eyes lowering to the table as she took a quick sip of her water. She really could have done without Alexis knowing almost to the day when Kate had had sex with Alexis's dad. "I–yes, that's right," she answered, keeping her tone as nonchalant as she could.
"So I was thinking and wanted to see what you thought about the idea, that maybe it would be a good thing, good timing, if I went on the program in April."
Kate opened her mouth to protest that Alexis shouldn't feel like she needed to leave just because of the baby–Castle would hate that even more than Alexis missing his birthday. And she felt her own chest tightening a little at the thought. Oh god, no, she'd never wanted that, to somehow make Alexis feel, oh, as if she were somehow less important to Castle or worse, in his way somehow, now that another baby was coming along.
But before Kate could think of anything to say, Alexis hurriedly went on, "Not like that; that sounded wrong. I don't feel like I'm being replaced or anything, I promise. I'm happy for you and happy about the baby, really I am. I just thought that it would only be three weeks, which isn't that long, and the program does sound really interesting and like it'll be a great learning experience. And with the baby coming, my dad will be distracted and won't have as much time to mope or miss me too much. And then I was thinking it would be good too, to give my dad more time to focus on you and the baby and everything, without having to worry about me."
Shit. Kate felt a stab of worry, of self-doubt. She didn't know how to do this! Nothing in her life had prepared her for something like this. She wasn't all that used to talking with teenagers as it was and Alexis was Castle's daughter and would be the baby's big sister and she had the bad feeling that saying the wrong thing right now would be a terrible, potentially disastrous, thing when it came to its effect on Alexis's relationship with Castle, with the baby, with Kate herself even.
She studied Alexis, the girl's eyes seeming limpid and sincere, but for once, Kate wasn't sure of her own ability to read a person's emotions. She still didn't feel as if she knew Alexis very well and she could only hope that the girl meant it in saying she wasn't worried about being replaced or something like that. Because it had just been Alexis and Castle for basically all of Alexis's life. And Kate couldn't help but be concerned about how the baby would affect Alexis too.
And after all, the last time Alexis had confided in her about something before talking to Castle, it had ended with Alexis breaking up with her then-boyfriend because of what Kate had said. She told herself that Owen breaking up with Alexis had not been her fault–post hoc was not propter hoc, after all–but still, she couldn't help the niggle of apprehension.
"Alexis," Kate finally ventured, "your dad loves you and he'll worry about you no matter where you are…" She tried for a faint smile. "I'm sure he's driving himself crazy even now wondering what you and I are talking about."
Alexis's lips quirked a little. "He probably is. And I will talk to him about this soon. I just wanted to talk to you first because, I mean, this does sort of have to do with you as much as it does him."
"And if I know your dad, I think I can promise you that no matter what, he would never let anything or anyone come between you and him and he'd never want you to doubt how important you are to him."
Alexis smiled suddenly, brilliantly, and Kate blinked. "You really do know Dad, don't you, Kate? He told me almost the exact same thing after he told me about the baby."
She didn't know why she felt suddenly so self-conscious about having inadvertently echoed some of Castle's own words. "Well, your dad's not exactly shy when it comes to talking about you."
Alexis grinned at that. "No, he definitely is not shy. Dad might like to pretend he's like some sort of ninja but he's really not."
Kate had to laugh in spite of herself. "No, Castle is not a ninja."
Alexis sobered. "I mean, I think I would like to be there when the baby's born, if that's okay with you, Kate."
"Of course it is," Kate rushed to answer. That, at least, she knew the right answer to. "You're the baby's big sister."
Alexis dimpled a little shyly. "Thanks. But well, like I was saying, it's more important for Dad and it'll be a big change so maybe it would be easier if Dad could just focus on the baby, helping you take care of the baby and everything. And you can tell me the truth, Kate, if you think it would help not to have me around. I really won't mind because the program does sound cool so I'd be interested in going, no matter what."
It was a thoughtful offer. Kate wasn't sure she could think of another teen who would have thought of such a thing, to go away to allow her parent to focus on her new younger sibling. For all of Alexis's reassurance that she would be interested in going on the program anyway, it was still a big deal and for a sophomore in high school at that.
Kate didn't know what the right answer was, what she should say, but there was no doubt what Castle would want–and that was really all that mattered, wasn't it? Because this was about Alexis and Alexis was Castle's daughter, not Kate's, and whatever else, it occurred to her that she could never try to come between Castle and Alexis. Not that she would have (and not that Castle would have allowed any such thing, really) but still, it was something to keep in mind.
Anyway, she realized, even regardless of that, there was no denying the way her own heart seemed to twist at the thought of Alexis feeling as if she should leave because of the baby.
"That's very sweet of you, Alexis, and you're right that the exchange program probably would be a great learning experience and if that's your reason for going, then you should go. But if it's about me and about the baby, I think… I want you to be there. And I know your dad would want you to be there too." She tried for a small smile. "You can help keep your dad calm."
Although, with how uncertain and panicky Kate herself was over the whole becoming-a-mom thing, the more likely scenario was that Castle would be the one helping to keep Kate calm, just as he would have to be the one to show her how to take care of a baby. Still a little strange but true, to think of Castle as a stabilizing source of strength but somehow, yes, he was.
Alexis returned the small smile. "You might be right, Kate. And well, I'll be leaving for college in two years anyway and who knows how far away I'll end up going then."
"Just break that news to your dad gently," Kate advised half-jokingly. "I'm not sure he can take it."
Alexis laughed. "If Dad had his way, I would go to college next door and never move out to a dorm at all."
"That sounds about right," Kate agreed.
"Actually, college is another thing I wouldn't mind talking to you about. Dad told me that you went to Stanford, right, Kate?"
"Your dad really does like to talk, doesn't he?" Kate asked dryly before going on, more seriously, "Yes, I did go to Stanford. At least for the first two years," she added candidly, even as her heart pinched at the reminder of why she'd left.
"Oh, only for two years? I don't think Dad mentioned that. Why did you leave Stanford? Did you not like it?"
"No, no, it was nothing like that. I loved my time at Stanford," she said, managing a small smile at some of the memories, marathon sessions watching Nebula 9, cos-playing as Lieutenant Chloe at sci fi conventions…
Alexis tilted her head curiously. "But you still left?"
Kate's smile faded and she had to swallow before she managed, as calmly as she could, "I left after my mom died and I transferred to NYU to be closer to my dad."
Alexis's eyes flared wide with dismay, the girl suddenly looking stricken. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think about that." She winced. "I didn't mean to bring up a painful subject."
Kate pasted on a reassuring expression. "It's okay, Alexis."
The girl didn't look very reassured but fortunately, the server returned a moment later with their food, causing a distraction, and after a few minutes, Alexis's expression had eased, her blue eyes so very like her dad's clearing.
"So, what did you want to know about college?" Kate offered after a little while of eating in silence.
Alexis looked a little tentative but after a moment, ventured, "Oh, I wanted to ask what it was like to go so far away from home for college and if you think it's better to go to college far away or not."
Kate hesitated, caught between wanting to give her honest opinion about the benefits of going away for college–not least because she liked and had enough respect for Alexis to tell her the truth–and what she knew Castle would no doubt want, which was for Kate to tell Alexis that she should stay as close to home for college as possible.
"I–well, I don't know if there's only one definitive right or wrong choice as far as how far or near to go for college. College is always different from high school and how much value you get out of the college experience is going to depend on you and what you do, more than it will the location of the school really."
The teen looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure what you mean."
"Going far away from home for college can be helpful because it forces you out of your comfort zone, introduces you to a new place and a lot of different kinds of people, and that's sort of what college is about, the new experiences, seeing what's out there and figuring out how you might fit into it." She paused. "But all that doesn't have to be about where you go to school really. College can still be an adventure if you try to seek out new experiences and do different things that you may not have had the chance to do before."
"That makes sense." The girl smiled. "It's good advice, thanks, Kate."
Kate relaxed into a smile of her own. "You're very welcome. I'm happy to talk to you about this kind of thing."
"Thanks. I probably will want to talk to you more about college as it gets closer."
"Of course. And I wouldn't worry about it too much right now anyway. You still have lots of time to think about it, what you want out of college and everything."
Alexis made a small face. "I suppose but two years isn't that much time either. I mean, the guidance counselors are always telling us we need to start planning ahead for college now, in terms of our extracurricular activities and that sort of thing."
"Even so, you still have some time and from what your dad says about you, I don't think you'll have anything to worry about when the time comes."
"I appreciate that. It's… nice, having someone else to talk to about this kind of thing, you know?" Alexis looked uncertain, a flicker of something approaching guilt crossing her face at even the implication that her dad or her grandmother were not as good to talk to. "I mean, I love my dad and he's always been there for me and Grams is great too but when it comes to something like college, well, it's not the same, you know?"
"I understand," Kate assured gently. "And your dad is probably a little biased on the subject of whether you should go far away for college," she added, in mildly humorous understatement. Castle was only a little biased on the subject in about the same way as the Grand Canyon was only a little hole in the ground.
Alexis's face lit with some relief. "Yeah, he is," she admitted. "I started looking into Oxford too because it looks really cool but then I thought about how my dad would react…" she made an expressive face.
Kate grimaced in turn. Yeah, Castle would probably have a heart attack at the bare thought of Alexis going to a foreign country for college. Which she understood but at the same time… She hesitated but finally had to say, "You know, Alexis, you shouldn't decide where to go for college based on what your dad will think. It is your life and your decision and I'm pretty sure your dad would tell you the same thing."
Alexis's expression softened in the way it often did when thinking about her dad, what Kate was starting to think of as the girl's 'good dad' expression, because it was what the look meant, Alexis's awareness of just how good a dad Castle was. "Yeah, he probably would."
It made warmth well up in Kate's own chest, coil around her heart, because she knew it too, that Castle was a good dad. And the Sprout would be–was–so very lucky to have Castle as a dad. And by the same token, Kate was lucky too, to be going through this whole becoming-a-parent experience with Castle, with someone she could trust the way she trusted Castle.
Alexis's expression brightened. "Oh, that reminds me, I did want to thank you for that too."
Kate blinked. "Thank me? For what? You already thanked me for talking to you."
The girl waved a hand. "I know, not for that. I wanted to thank you or, well, just tell you that I'm really glad Dad met you and I don't only mean because of the baby, but I'm glad that you let him shadow you and everything."
Oh. She hadn't been expecting that. "You don't have to thank me for that. I mean, at first, I wasn't even given much of a choice about your dad tagging along at the precinct and since then, well, your dad does kind of make my job more fun and he can be surprisingly helpful." She paused and then joked, "but don't tell your dad I said so."
Alexis grinned at that. "Oh, I won't. I know how Dad can be." She sobered. "But what I meant is that Dad's happier now. Not just because of the baby, although I know he's happy about that too, but because he likes going into the precinct and working with you. I think he's… better now, more… himself, if that makes any sense, than he was before he met you."
Before he'd met her–just this past spring, strange and startling as it was to think about, that she had really only known Castle for less than a year now. She could try to blame it on the baby or just hormones–or more prosaically, spending almost every day with him in the precinct for the past months–that made it seem as if she must have met Castle years ago rather than mere months–but she didn't quite believe it. The number of months since she'd first met Castle was about the same amount of time as she'd known Will before he'd left for Boston–and she already knew that Castle knew more about her, knew her, better than Will did even to this day and she certainly felt as if she knew Castle better than she'd known Will. And she and Will had dated for months. Although maybe that had less to do with Castle himself than it did the nature of her relationship with Will–and just how bad she was at relationships.
Kate mentally shook herself, refocusing on Alexis and what Alexis had been saying, that Castle was more himself, somehow, since he'd met her. And found herself remembering what Alexis had told her at the Heat Wave launch party, that Castle had been blocked and unable to write for months after Storm Fall. More, she remembered too, the Castle she'd first met at the Storm Fall launch party, the snippets of gossip she'd seen about Castle in the months prior to that in Page Six and elsewhere–the jackass playboy, the party animal, the man who signed women's chests. It was so weird to think about because it seemed as if the man she'd met then was a totally different one from the man she knew now.
But Kate knew too well that people didn't really change like that so this Castle, the one she knew now, was the same man he'd always been, the real Castle.
She'd been silent for too long, she realized, as Alexis went on, her expression becoming rather abashed. "I'm babbling and not making much sense, aren't I? Sorry, never mind, I–"
"No," Kate hurriedly blurted out, "I understand what you meant, Alexis; you're making perfect sense. I was just thinking that it's no wonder your dad always talks about how smart you are," she added, not untruthfully.
Alexis flushed a little. "Dad's biased. Anyway, he's told me that he thinks you're the smartest person he's ever met."
It was Kate's turn to blush. "Your dad talks too much," she tried to rally only to break off, since it was hardly polite to criticize Castle to his own daughter, no matter how mildly.
But Alexis only laughed, her eyes bright with humor. "Oh, he definitely does. But you like him anyway, don't you, Kate."
It wasn't quite a question and Kate felt herself coloring even more hotly, hurriedly taking a drink of water in a futile attempt to cool her cheeks. "I–your dad and I are friends," she demurred rather weakly–and wondered when that statement–that true statement–had started to feel like a lie of omission.
"Oh, I know that," Alexis agreed blithely. "I just wanted to say that I'm glad he has you, as a friend, of course."
If it had been Lanie or her dad saying such a thing, Kate would have known they were being ironic but she couldn't suspect such a thing of Alexis.
Alexis paused, flushing and looking down at her napkin, as she went on, "You're different from–well, most of the other women Dad knows. Not that I've really met most of Dad's, well, you know, but I have been to his parties and seen what that's like."
Kate was glad Alexis wasn't looking at her because she wasn't sure how to react to this. She was well aware of how different she was from the other women Castle was usually associated with but it occurred to wonder if maybe that said less about what Castle really wanted and more about the sort of women who generally sought him out. Alexis's admission to not having met most of Castle's past girlfriends–for lack of a better word–gave Kate pause because she knew Castle well enough to know that his not introducing someone to Alexis was a clear sign of distancing himself. He was no saint and was happy enough to take those women up on what they offered so freely but it was clear he'd kept them well away from his real life, his heart.
Alexis looked back up at Kate, still looking a little ill at ease, but she managed a small smile. "You're different. You really know my dad and you don't fawn over him or anything. You treat him like he's a normal person and I know he likes that." She paused and then flashed Kate a mischievous grin, one that made her resemblance to Castle apparent. "Plus, you help keep my dad out of trouble so I'm glad he has you as a friend."
Kate tried not to flush, pasted on what she hoped was an easy smile. "You don't need to thank me, Alexis. Your dad is kind of fun to have around."
Alexis dimpled. "He is, but maybe don't mention this part of our talk to Dad? He'd probably hate knowing that I'm talking to you about him like this."
She couldn't help a small laugh. "Well, I promise not to tell."
"Deal. And I will talk to Dad about the whole exchange program thing soon. I just want to think about it some more before I do."
"Your secret's safe with me."
"Thanks, Kate."
"So how is school going otherwise?" Kate ventured, changing the subject away from Castle.
"It's good. I got an A on the chemistry quiz we had last Friday."
"Nice job," Kate praised and the rest of their dinner passed quickly with Alexis chatting lightly about her classwork and what she and her friends had planned for the upcoming weekend. And Kate was a little surprised to realize that she was enjoying it, talking to Alexis, listening to Alexis talk about the minor dramas involving some of her other school friends. She didn't have a lot of female friends these days–Lanie was one of the few she had–but it occurred to her that Alexis could be another. A friend and, yes, family too, in this odd, non-traditional family she seemed to have become a part of with Castle, Martha, and Alexis.
~To be continued…~
A/N 2: Apologies for a chapter without Castle, at least not in person, but rest assured, he'll be back in the next chapter(s). Thank you, as always, to all readers and reviewers, especially the guests whom I can't thank directly.
