(PoA) CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: Stupid Girl
Sirius was fine. Ellie went with Harry to see him that night, and they helped him charm his hideout with as many enchantments as they all could think of to protect it from prying eyes. She apologized to Sirius for having avoided him for so long, and he told her that he didn't care about any of that as long as she was alright.
"Are you, though?" he pushed. "Are you alright, Ellie?"
But she didn't answer that question, because he wouldn't like the answer.
She was tired of the parties. She was tired of Oliver's friends, who only seemed to care about the parties. She was tired of everything about that world, with one exception: Oliver.
Despite all the bad choices she was making with him, Oliver himself didn't feel like a bad choice. He wasn't Fred—wasn't her soulmate—they both knew that. But the way he treated her—the way he smiled at her—the way he kissed her… It was all she had now. All that kept her from plummeting head-first into the black hole of misery that seemed to follow her.
She had to hang onto him. But she also had to do something about the rest of it.
"Neville," she said one Saturday afternoon in the common room. Neville was hunched over a scrap of parchment, frantically scribbling down the many passwords their new portrait, Sir Cadogan, had thrown at them that week. They'd found the Fat Lady, of course, but she refused to return to her post until the "terrifying" Sirius Black was captured. "Got a minute?"
Neville blinked up at her, looking surprised. She wished he'd stop doing that—look surprised when she talked to him. Then again, just about everyone in her class looked that way when she talked to them those days.
"Of course," said Neville, scooting over to make room for her on the couch.
She glanced cautiously around. There were a decent amount of students in the common room, but no one within earshot, so she took a seat next to him.
"You never came to me about girl problems, you know," she pointed out. She frowned. "Or about anything, for that matter."
"Right." He looked a bit embarrassed. "Well… I wasn't sure the offer still stood, honestly. You don't seem all that fond of anyone our age these days."
"The offer always stands," she said firmly. "Always."
He smiled at that. "Well, thanks, Ellie. But I don't think I have much to report at the moment. Though I'm guessing you might."
"Now that you mention it," she said with a tiny grin, "I am having my share of girl problems—and guy problems, too, for that matter. But I think, rather than talk about it, I'd rather write a song about it—that is, if my musical guru is up for helping me."
In the end, the songwriting was the easy part. It was convincing Ginny and George to perform with her that was the hard part.
Even getting the two of them alone had been tricky. First, Ellie had to convince Ginny, who hadn't been Ellie's biggest fan lately, to give her the time of day; then she had to convince Ginny to convince George to leave Fred's side long enough to have a private chat.
"We can't play without Fred," said George firmly once all the elements were in place. They were in the Charms courtyard, where Ellie and Neville had written the song. Ginny and George had helped come up with a decent track of instrumentals, but were stuck on the part where they wouldn't have Fred for the performance. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, I can't play with Fred," Ellie countered. "So what am I supposed to do?"
"You don't have to talk to him," said Ginny. "You don't even have to look at him. Just play the stupid song with him so we don't pull a Fleetwood Mac and break up the band."
Ellie considered pointing out that the band had technically survived the romantic drama by firing the offending players, but decided it wouldn't help. "He wouldn't want to do it, anyway. He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you," George told her so quickly, she was almost forced to believe it. "He'd do it. I think."
"I want to know what the song is about," said Ginny. "If this is some stupid party song about drinking and drugs and making out with boys who are too old for you, then forget it."
"You'll like the song," Ellie promised her. "I swear."
"Can we at least know the title?" asked George. "Give me that, and I'll get us Fred."
Ellie still wasn't sure she wanted him to get them Fred, but she supposed she didn't have much of a choice in the matter. "It's called Stupid Girl."
A smile spread onto Ginny's face immediately, and she said, "I'm in."
The following afternoon, Ellie, George, and Ginny met at the same courtyard spot where they'd played Liar, Liar to set up for their newest song.
"He'll be here," George said when he saw Ellie's expression. "I promise."
But that wasn't exactly a comfort to her.
Fred didn't show up until most of the crowd had already gathered. A tense silence swept over the courtyard as everyone looked from Fred to Ellie, who, of course, the whole school knew hadn't been speaking to each other for months.
Oliver was there, of course. She'd told him about the impromptu concert, though she'd avoided telling most of his friends, who would likely be offended by the lyrics. She feared that Oliver would be offended by them, too, but she couldn't let herself worry about that. She had to do this.
She met Fred's gaze when he stepped onto the stage with her, but she didn't say anything, and neither did he.
"This song is called Stupid Girl," she told the courtyard. "And before any of you get your panties in a wad—the only person I'm insulting with the phrase is myself."
A few chuckles sounded from the crowd at that, but she felt the sharp gaze of one too many seventh year girls for her liking. She pushed past them, though, as she started to strum.
The song was harsh. From the opening line—"You pretend you're high; you pretend you're bored; you pretend you're anything just to be adored"—to the bridge—"Don't believe in fear, don't believe in pain, and don't believe in anyone that you can't tame"—to the chorus—"You stupid girl, you stupid girl—all you had, you wasted"—the lyrics were spot-on about her own self-loathing, but not exactly easy to announce to a courtyard full of people.
She had to do it, though. She had to own up to her mistakes, and she had to find a way to find herself again. The real Ellie.
It was easier to find her way back to that version of herself with Fred next to her, she thought with a sad smile as the song came to an end and the applause began.
When he turned to look at her, she let herself hope—if only for an instant—that he might actually apologize. She let herself imagine that, somehow, they would find their way back to being friends again. Not more than friends—never more than friends—he had made that much clear. But surely friends?
He didn't apologize, though. Instead, he gave her the world's weakest smile, said two words—"Good song"—and left.
"Forget Fred," Ginny said later that night in the common room. "George and I spent all day yelling at him. Some stupidity just can't be helped."
"I'm trying to," Ellie muttered to her pseudo-sister as she eyed Fred from across the common room. He was sitting with George, seemingly sulking about something. Back to not looking her in the eye at all. "It's not exactly easy."
"I know." Ginny reached out to give Ellie's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "What about Oliver? Has he forgiven you yet?"
Ellie had gone straight to Oliver after the show, determined to make sure he knew that the song hadn't been about him or their relationship. He was mad, though—he and all his friends. She had a feeling he'd forgive her eventually, but he hadn't yet.
"At least you have the rest of us back," said Hermione, who seemed to have caught the tail end of their conversation, as she took a seat on Ellie's other side. "At least—if you want us."
"Of course, I do." Ellie sent her friend a weak, apologetic smile. "Hermione, I'm sorry about how things got there at the end. When Lav talked to you like that, I should have stepped in."
"You should have," Hermione agreed. "But even at your worst, you still weren't the bully; you were just Switzerland. So I guess I can forgive you."
She wasn't going to be Switzerland anymore, Ellie decided as she sunk deeper into the couch. She just had to figure out where that left her.
Not a full reset to normal, but a good start, right? Will Oliver forgive her - or do we even want him to? We're slowly nearing the end of POA, but we have quite a few landmarks ahead of us. Stay tuned, and don't forget to review and follow! Oh - and today's song was "Stupid Girl," originally by Garbage and also covered by Alexz Johnson on Instant Star. Both versions are excellent if you want to check them out!
