Author's Note: And now, we see Castle's thoughts on what happened in the last couple chapters.
Then Came Love
Chapter 34
Castle found himself whistling softly as he prepared his coffee the next morning and then grinning irrepressibly even as he drank his coffee, the one cup he allowed himself these days in silent solidarity with Beckett, and ate his breakfast.
He was aware he probably looked ridiculous, grinning like a loon at nothing, but he couldn't seem to help it. Beckett had kissed him and agreed to go on a date with him and said she wanted a relationship with him, wanted him. And had he mentioned that she'd kissed him because he was pretty sure he would never ever get over the thrill of kissing Kate Beckett.
And what meant more to him than all that was the way Beckett had talked to him the other day in the stairwell of the precinct, how much she'd let her guard down with him. He had known Beckett for long enough to know just how rare it was for Beckett to show any vulnerability at all and she might have been softening in that regard with him but before, it had always been concern over the baby, the baby as the main connection between them. But the other day, her fears over the kind of mom she would be, that had been about her, revealed a deeply personal self-doubt that he had never seen in the confident Detective Kate Beckett and had never really believed existed. The Detective Beckett he'd first met and fallen for was so strong and self-assured, so formidable that it was a little intimidating at times and a lot mesmerizing. He had seen the occasional cracks in her armor when it came to her mom's case and more recently, with the baby, but even so, even lately, she'd seemed to be taking the pregnancy in stride with all her characteristic competence.
And maybe part of his surprise was because he had such faith in Beckett's heart, her dedication, was so certain to his soul that Beckett would be an amazing mother, that it had never once occurred to him that Beckett herself might doubt that.
But she'd talked to him about her worries and let him comfort her, reassure her. He guessed that at least part of it was because he'd found her in a moment of weakness but it was still something, a gesture of trust. It was almost all he'd ever wanted, hoped for, with Beckett. It was a step forward and maybe, hopefully, one day, she wouldn't feel the need to hide from him at all, would seek him out when she needed comfort. But just having her talk to him was enough for him for now.
Talk to him and kiss him and more than that…
"Good morning, Dad. You're awfully cheerful today."
He blinked and started a little, realizing belatedly that he'd been whistling quietly, again, and had been so completely lost in his pleased reverie that he'd totally missed the sound of Alexis's footsteps on the stairs. "Good morning and I'm usually cheerful." He gave her one of his wide, silly grins. "It's why people like me."
Alexis laughed softly even as she gave him her usual peck on the cheek on the way to the fridge. "Maybe, but you don't usually whistle either." She poured herself a glass of orange juice and pinned him with one of her inquisitive looks. "Did something happen between you and Kate?"
A sound that was something like a combination of a cough and a laugh escaped him in his surprise. "What makes you ask that?"
His daughter gave him a look as if he'd just asked what day it was. "You spent all day with Kate yesterday and when you came home, you seemed really happy and this morning, you're whistling, and Kate's the only person I can think of who can make you this happy."
"That's not true," he contradicted. "You make me this happy all the time."
Alexis wrinkled her nose at him. "Cute, Dad, but I haven't done anything so it has to be Kate."
He had to give a brief, half-awkward laugh. "You could be a detective," he teased, mostly to give himself another second or two to consider how to talk to Alexis about this new development in his relationship with Kate. Of course, thanks to the baby, he'd had more awkward conversations with his daughter in the not-so-distant past but still, it wasn't like he was used to talking about his love life with his daughter. He inwardly grimaced just at the thought. The last time he'd told Alexis anything about a relationship had been… when Gina had moved out. He hadn't actually been in a relationship since Gina. But then for a while, he had almost believed he was off relationships for good, would keep it to uncomplicated, meaningless flings where there was no risk of disappointment because he never expected anything other than a good time.
But he hadn't expected Beckett. Beckett, whose cleverness and sharp wit and strength and fine, yes, hotness, had attracted him from the minute he saw her and enthralled him more with every minute he spent with her. Looking back, he thought liking her had become something deeper, something more, the moment she told him about her mom's death, the first real glimpse he'd been given into the depths of her pain and how much she had overcome. And now, he was so deeply, irrevocably in love with her, he knew he would never get over it. No matter what happened between him and Beckett relationship-wise, he was going to love her forever.
He felt a pang of terror, a cold hand clutching his heart for a moment. Because with the baby, he would never be able to distance himself from Beckett either. Would never have a chance to even start to heal or get over her because he would have to see her constantly, stay in contact with her forever. Beckett, as usual, had been right that there was more, a lot more, at stake in their relationship than just the two of them. He had told her he believed in their ability and willingness to keep things amicable, no matter what happened between them, and he did, still, but the fact remained that it was a risk. He had never managed to keep a woman happy for long before and even if he knew, rationally, that there were other, good reasons why his relationships with Meredith and Gina had failed, it didn't entirely ease his fears that it might be about him too, that something in him just wasn't cut out for the lasting love he wanted. He was risking a lifetime with a broken heart.
Oh god, that was not a helpful train of thought.
"Well, Dad?" Alexis prompted.
He blinked, focusing on his daughter, his natural optimism coming back to the fore. He had to believe that his and Beckett's relationship would work. This was Beckett, after all, and he couldn't imagine ever not wanting to be with her. And more importantly, he couldn't imagine her ever failing at something she set her mind to and she'd said she wanted to be with him.
He cleared his throat a little. "You're right, something did happen with Beckett. You know that we've only been friends in spite of, well, the baby and everything, but we talked yesterday, over dinner, and agreed we both want more than just friendship. So we're going to try to be… together."
He inwardly writhed a little. Ugh, this really was awkward. He didn't know how to really do this, talk to Alexis about his love life. Especially now when Alexis was older, old enough to be dating herself (not that he was at all resigned to that even now). Back when he'd first told Alexis that he and Gina were together, it had been a little easier because Alexis had been younger too, not a teenager yet and certainly not dating-age herself.
Alexis smiled at him. "Don't look like that, Dad. You know I like Kate and I think she's good for you. She's real, you know, and from what I've seen, you're real when you're around her too."
He feigned surprise, falling into silliness partly to deflect from the lingering awkwardness he still felt. "I've been imaginary up until now? Have I been your imaginary dad? I always thought it'd be fun to be someone's imaginary friend."
Alexis huffed a little, giving him one of her patented 'silly Dad' looks. "Da-ad," she drew the word out with mild scolding, although it was undercut by the small, indulgent smile she couldn't quite hide. "You know what I mean. Be serious."
He complied with his daughter's mild admonishment, as usual. "I know and I think you're right. Beckett is, well, different." Different from almost all the women he knew, certainly different from any of the women he'd been at all involved with in the last twenty years or so. Since he had really made it big, become even remotely famous. Yes, Beckett was very different, because she had turned him down flat at first and generally made it clear that neither his fame nor his celebrity status or his wealth or even his vaunted charm impressed her at all.
And it might be one of the things he loved best about her, he thought, rather belatedly. Because with Beckett, he could be absolutely certain that she liked him for his real self, not for his wealth or his fame or his connections or anything else so unrelated to who he actually was.
And maybe because of that, when he was with Beckett, he could be his real self, as Alexis said. It wasn't always exactly comfortable, as when Beckett fixed her eyes on him in that way she had as if she could shine searchlights on his very soul, exposing even the faults and vulnerabilities he would generally prefer to keep hidden behind his carefree, charming playboy facade. But he was honest enough to admit that it was good for him too. With his fame and wealth, he had plenty of people in his life who flattered him and as pleasant as it might be, he knew it wasn't exactly healthy.
In recent years, it had been too easy for him to act like the rich, celebrity playboy–the role that most people in his life both expected and wanted from him–and after all, he was well used to giving people what they wanted, behaving in a way to make people like him.
But Beckett was different, expected and wanted more than that from him. And for her, because of her, she made him want to be more than that. She made him better.
Alexis glanced down at the counter and then back up at him, for the first time looking a little shy. "I think she really likes you and you really like her, don't you, Dad?"
"I do like her," he agreed, almost smoothly.
Alexis's expression brightened. "And I already know she makes you happy. Oh, does this mean she'll be moving in?"
He coughed a little. "Whoa, slow down, Alexis, we only just got together."
"I know but I just thought, with the baby and everything, doesn't it make sense that she move in? I mean, I don't know what her apartment is like but surely, our place is bigger and it'll just be easier if she and the baby are both here, right, so you can help take care of the baby?" She hesitated for a moment. "Don't you want her and the baby to live here, Dad?"
Of course he did. If he had his way, Beckett would move in tomorrow. But he couldn't imagine that Beckett, reticent, cautious Beckett, was anywhere near ready for that kind of progression in their new relationship.
And oh, his little girl, his sweet, smart, not-so-little girl. He lifted his hand to gently touch his fingers to her cheek, brushing a strand of bright hair behind her ear. "It's not quite that simple, Alexis. Beckett and I will have to talk about that later and it's not like the baby will be coming tomorrow or even next month. For right now, I think we're taking things one step at a time." He met her eyes. "But I promise you, no matter what Beckett and I decide about that, I'll talk about it with you, okay? This is your home too."
Alexis gave a small smile, momentarily tilting her head to let it rest against his hand in one of her occasional gestures. "Okay. But for the record, I'd be okay with it."
Emotion swelled inside his chest, the surge of love for his daughter that was so overwhelming it sometimes felt like his chest might actually burst with it. He tugged her in against his side, pressing a kiss to her hair. "Thank you for that, pumpkin. You really are amazing, you know that, right?"
His daughter smiled and returned his hug. "Love you too, Dad."
He rested his cheek against her hair and thought that he really was the luckiest man in the world. He had a wonderful, amazing daughter, a beautiful home, more money than he knew what to do with–and he was having a baby with, and in a relationship with, Kate Beckett, the most extraordinary woman he'd ever met.
Later that morning, Castle had to fight to keep his expression reasonably controlled as he neared Beckett's desk with her cup of tea and her muffin. "Good morning, Detective."
Beckett looked up and smiled–no, smiled wasn't the right word, he mentally edited himself. 'Smiled' didn't do justice to her expression at all. She… glowed–yes, that was better. Her lips curved, a flush of pink tinged her cheeks, and her eyes were soft and luminous. She took his breath away and knowing that she looked like that because of him, because she was glad to see him, went to his head like strong liquor, and it took every ounce of self control he had not to lean over and kiss her on the spot.
"Morning, Castle, and thanks."
She allowed her fingers to linger over his for just a moment as she accepted her cup of tea and in her touch was the kiss they could not have in the middle of the bullpen.
He cleared his throat a little. "How are you this morning?" he asked, trying to sound normal and calm, rather than as giddy as he felt.
Amusement sparked in her eyes. "I'm fine, Castle. How was the rest of your evening? Everything okay with Alexis?"
Oh, right, Alexis. It belatedly occurred to him that he and Beckett hadn't exactly had the discussion about telling people about their new relationship. He didn't really think Beckett would want to keep it a secret but he should probably be sure.
"Okay, what is it? Why are you suddenly looking like a boy who took the last cookie in the cookie jar?"
She really might be telepathic. (That should probably disturb him, right, that his girlfriend–oh lord, Kate Beckett was his girlfriend!—might be telepathic?)
"I–well, I told Alexis about us. I didn't really mean to but she sort of got it out of me."
"She used a Jedi mind trick on you?" Beckett asked dryly.
He gave her a delighted grin. "You are so hot, you know that?"
She flushed a little, biting her lower lip to hide a small smile. "Focus, Castle."
"She guessed that something happened yesterday and that it had to do with you so I had to tell her about us." Us. It occurred to him not for the first time that it might be his new favorite word, at least when it related to him and Beckett. They were an us. "And, well, we hadn't exactly talked about that, telling people."
"Relax, Castle, I'm not annoyed and I wasn't expecting that you'd keep this a secret from your family. I'm planning to tell my dad the next time I talk to him this weekend, and I'll have to tell Lanie or she'll kill me."
She was going to tell her dad. Castle tried to quell the little pang of apprehension at the thought. It was silly, really, since Jim Beckett had given every indication of being won over at their dinner together and if Jim hadn't been angry at Castle for, ahem, impregnating his daughter, then he would hardly react badly to the news of this new relationship. So Castle told himself and tried to believe it.
Beckett hesitated almost imperceptibly. "And Alexis was okay with us?"
"Of course," he assured her quickly. "Alexis likes you." He could not mention now that Alexis was already thinking ahead to Beckett moving in. Instead, he added with mock disgruntlement, "I think she thinks you'll make me behave."
"Oh, that's a bigger job than any one person can handle," she quipped.
He gave a fake sigh of resignation. "Between you and my daughter, I'm pretty sure I'm doomed already."
"Such flattery," she drawled, rolling her eyes a little.
He grinned. From behind him, he heard the sound of Ryan's voice calling out a greeting to one of the uniforms. Which reminded him… He sobered. "What about the boys? And the Captain? Are we going to tell them?"
Beckett glanced over at the boys. "I imagine the boys will probably guess soon enough, even without us telling them, and the same goes for the Captain."
"You're probably right," he conceded.
"Probably?" she shot him one of her teasing smirks. "Please, you are not that subtle. They'll definitely figure it out."
He feigned offense. "I can be subtle! I am a master of subtlety!"
She snorted. "Sure, you're a veritable ninja," she mocked.
"Did you just use the word, veritable? I knew I liked you for a reason."
"For my vocabulary?"
He pressed a hand to his chest with an air of exaggerated dignity. "Excuse me but didn't I already tell you that the thing I appreciate most in a woman is her brains?"
She laughed. "Yeah, you told me."
He shook his head in mock disappointment. "Oh, ye of little faith. You should have believed me."
"Sorry, Castle," she returned in a tone that indicated the opposite. "I'm a cop; skepticism comes with the territory."
"'I find your lack of faith disturbing,'" he intoned.
She tilted her head, pursing her lips in a parody of thought. "Mm, I'd give that impression of Darth Vader a B, maybe a B-."
"A B!" he huffed. "You are a harsh critic, Detective."
She smirked at him, only to be distracted as one of the uniforms greeted them both as he passed by. "Hey, Sanchez," Beckett returned, while Castle gave Sanchez a nod and a little wave.
She turned her gaze back to Castle. "We'll have to act professionally in the precinct, as much as possible."
He affected a sigh. "I was afraid you were going to say that."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Cute, but you know NYPD regulations prohibit partners from being involved."
He made a face. He'd forgotten about that. "I guess it's lucky I'm not really a cop."
"Convenient, at least," she agreed rather dryly. "Especially since I'm pretty sure at least half the precinct already believes we're together as it is."
"It wasn't me," he denied in automatic defensiveness. "I told everyone who asked that we weren't."
"I know. I don't see why people are so interested anyway. It's not like it's any of their business," she added in a disgruntled aside.
"You realize you're working with cops, right? Minding other people's business is sort of what they do."
"Not when it comes to my private life," she grumbled, although he knew her well enough by now to know it was mostly a show of irritation at this point.
He gave her a sympathetic look. "I don't think it works like that." Cops didn't turn their nosiness on and off like a light switch.
She made a face at him and he hid a smile. She was adorable.
Any other response she might have made was forestalled by the ring of her phone and her lips twisted a little ruefully as she turned to answer, her tone immediately becoming her brisk Detective voice. "Beckett."
He sat back in his chair, not even noticing–or at least not much–the discomfort of it since any padding the chair back had ever had was long-gone now. But he had a sneaking affection for this battered and rather uncomfortable chair anyway. And he loved more that it was now accepted as belonging by Beckett's desk. When he'd first started shadowing her this past spring, she had made a couple, half-teasing comments on the chair getting in her way but she hadn't moved it and it was his chair now, a visible sign of his place in her life.
So, yes, he was quite happy to sit back in his chair, a contentment that wasn't at all dimmed by the fact that Beckett was now ignoring him. As much as he enjoyed the teasing banter with Beckett, he couldn't get enough of seeing her in work mode either.
It turned out that call was only the start of what became a busy morning for Beckett, work-wise. She needed to finish the paperwork on the Lyla Bernard case and she got pulled into a long call with an assistant DA about one of her past cases that was about to go to trial.
So the brief moments of levity earlier were pretty much the only chance at talking to Beckett himself but Castle didn't mind that much. After all, he loved watching Beckett work. Loved seeing the play of expression across her face, the focus and the intelligence that shone out of her eyes, the passing flashes of irritation or frustration when the system moved too slowly or she didn't like what she saw. She was so good at what she did and something about her competence made his fingers almost itch with the urge to write about her, try to do justice to what a great cop she was.
Beckett had gone to grab a file from the file room and as tempted as Castle was to follow her–and possibly grab a kiss or two or maybe three–he heroically resisted the temptation because Beckett was in her work mode and even with their new relationship status, he wasn't entirely sure how receptive she'd be to such distractions when she was focused on work.
"Hey, Castle, how about a coffee break?"
Ryan's voice made him start a little but he stood up, accepting the invitation. He hadn't exchanged more than a few words with either of the boys that day, somewhat unusually for a paperwork day, because he'd been distracted by Beckett but he didn't want to appear chained to her side either.
"Hey," he greeted easily as he entered the break room to be met with both Ryan and Espo, unsurprisingly, while both the boys greeted him with unsmiling nods, more surprisingly. He didn't think he'd done anything, had he?
"So, Castle, is there something you want to tell us?" Espo drawled, just a hint of intimidation entering his tone.
"Tell you?" Castle parroted a little bemusedly. "Like what?"
"Like what's going on with you and Beckett today."
Oh, that. Damn it, Beckett had been right about the boys guessing. (He didn't know what had happened to his vaunted poker face but he wanted it back.)
"Going on? I'm not sure what you mean," he prevaricated. "She's been busy, in case you haven't noticed." maybe they were just fishing?
"Oh, she's been busy," Espo agreed, emphasizing the pronoun.
"You, on the other hand," Ryan chimed in, "you've been–how should I put it–gazingadoringly at Beckett…"
"He's been mooning after her," Espo corrected.
Castle managed not to flush. "I've been observing. It's kind of why I'm here after all, research, you know." And now he'd been reduced to lying since he knew very well that his being at the precinct really had nothing, or at least very little, to do with the books anymore.
Ryan turned to Espo. "Oh, observing is what he calls it when he looks at Beckett like she hung the moon and the stars," he commented conversationally.
"Hung the moon, really?" Espo shot Ryan a disgusted look before pinning his gaze on Castle. "Don't give us that, Castle. So what's up with you two now? You trying to use this baby to get closer to Beckett?"
A flicker of anger prodded at Castle and he took an automatic step forward. "I would never use the baby, as you put it, and as for me and Beckett, it's none of your–"
He broke off as Ryan snickered. "You should see your face!" he mocked.
Espo shot the other man a disgusted look before facing Castle, a smirk tugging on his lips. "Defensive much?"
He gaped a little. "What–you–"
Ryan was outright grinning now. "Don't deny it, something is going on with you and Beckett. It's obvious. And you just confirmed it."
"And this little scene was just to–"
"What, we're not allowed to have a little fun?" Espo asked.
Fun for them, maybe. He tried, with limited success, to rekindle his irritation.
"Don't look like that, Castle. As long as Beckett's okay with you, we're good, but you can't expect us not to try to wind you up a little."
Of course, Espo left unsaid that if Beckett was ever not pleased with Castle, the boys would have an issue with him too, probably involving maiming him. Castle huffed and tried to glare. "It wasn't funny."
"No, it was freaking hilarious," Ryan interjected.
"Oh, was it now?" Beckett's voice cut across them and they all started, turning to see her standing in the doorway. "And what, exactly, are you two clowns up to?" Her eyes went from the boys to Castle, noting their relative positions, and her eyes narrowed. "Have you two been giving Castle a hard time?"
Ryan visibly hesitated. "Uh…"
"I see." Beckett's voice was cool.
"Beckett, we were just–" Espo began.
"Grilling Castle?" Beckett finished for him. "Giving him a hard time?"
For once, Castle was glad that Beckett was practically ignoring him as if he weren't even in the room. Being an audience for this made the earlier moments facing off against the boys worth it.
"We were only teasing," Espo managed, not entirely defensively.
"Well, you two clowns can knock it off now. Castle and I can manage without your 'help,'" she put a faint, sarcastic emphasis on the last word. "Now, I'm hungry and we are going out for lunch," she went on, taking a few steps into the break room to grasp Castle's hand. "You two, get back to work." She glanced at Castle for the first time since she'd joined them, tugging on his hand. "Come on, Castle."
Castle went, falling into step beside her, leaving the boys blinking and Castle just caught the beginnings of a grin tugging on Ryan's lips as they left. Castle sternly suppressed the urge to laugh or pump his fist or otherwise react to his sudden giddiness. Oh, he loved her, he really loved her. She had tacitly confirmed that their relationship had changed without actually saying so, gripping his hand in front of the boys which was the sort of thing she wouldn't normally do.
Of course, being Beckett, she released her grip on his hand the moment they exited the break room. Admitting their relationship to the boys was one thing but advertising it to the entire Homicide division was another. But what she had already done was enough, more than enough, for him.
She paused at her desk to retrieve her jacket and her purse.
"Wait, we're really going to lunch?" he blurted out. It was nearly noon but he'd half-expected that she had just said that to get them out of there.
She threw him a little smirk. "What, you thought I was joking about being hungry? Keep up, Castle."
"Okay, lunch it is," he agreed, as if he would ever turn down an invitation from her.
"Sorry about the boys," she offered, once they were away from the interested eyes and ears in the bullpen.
"You don't have to apologize. I didn't mind." Much. "They meant well; they're just looking out for you." Which he could understand and even appreciate.
She grimaced. "Yeah, I know, although it doesn't mean I don't want to send them dumpster diving on our next case. I don't need protecting."
His gaze automatically fell to the visible curve of her stomach and he felt a surge of emotion. Beckett really did trust him, not only with the baby but with this new relationship of theirs–and he could only make a silent vow that he would live up to her trust, would never let her down.
~To be continued…~
A/N 2: I know this chapter was a little light on Caskett fluffiness but I think the next few chapters will make up for that. Thank you, as always, to all readers and reviewers.
