Author's Note: Apologies for not being able to post last weekend but now, without further ado, the next chapter featuring the second ultrasound appointment, which I think people have been looking forward to.
Then Came Love
Chapter 38
Monday morning was when Kate had her appointment for the second ultrasound.
She arrived early for the appointment and took a seat in the empty waiting room, trying not to fidget or otherwise betray her burgeoning nerves.
Ignorance really was bliss, she thought ruefully. She had read more about this second ultrasound while eating her breakfast and now, frightening phrases like "fetal abnormalities" and "neural tube defects" were echoing in her mind, the warning signs that were looked for at this stage of pregnancy.
She rested a hand over her stomach, trepidation swirling inside her. She had thought she was better, reassured about the possibility of something going wrong with the baby since Castle's blood test had come back free of any genetic markers for disease, but such a test could only do so much and there were a host of other things that could still go wrong.
And what would she do if anything did go wrong with this baby she already loved so much? What would Castle do–what would it do to him if anything went wrong with this baby? It would break his heart and for a moment, she found her worries over how she would cope were subsumed in her worry over how it would affect Castle.
The door to the waiting room opened and Castle appeared, his eyes immediately finding her, his expression brightening as it always did when he saw her. (Something clenched inside her at the sight.) "Good morning, Beckett. I'm not late, am I?"
"Hi, Castle. And no, you're not late at all. I was just early." She felt the usual flutter of happiness on seeing him, mixed in with relief. Because Castle would help, was so good at making her smile, lifting her spirits. Castle of all people could distract her from her fretting.
He dropped down into the chair beside hers, leaning in to press a kiss to her temple and reaching out to grasp his hand in hers. He did like to touch her. "Is something wrong?"
She blinked a little. "What makes you ask that?" Maybe he was the telepathic one. (She might have been spending too much time with Castle to think such a thing.)
"You have the little crinkle between your brows, here," he lifted his hand to lightly touch his finger to the spot in question, "the one you get when you're worried or frustrated. What is it? Is it about the baby?"
She hadn't realized how transparent she was becoming to him. Although she supposed their presence in the waiting room of her doctor's office made the guess that it was something to do with the baby a natural one. "Yes. Well, sort of," she hedged. "It's silly, really. I was just reading about the different things this ultrasound is intended to look out for and now I can't stop thinking about it." She made a rueful face. "I know, I'm being silly–"
"You're not being silly," he interrupted. "You're being a parent. That's what we do, you know. We worry."
We. He did that so easily, classify her as a parent along with him, never mind that the Sprout hadn't been born yet. He really didn't have any doubts at all about her becoming a mom, did he? He had told her as much of course–she would never forget what he'd said to her that day in the stairwell–but still, it did something to her to hear him refer to them as 'we parents.'
"I guess I hadn't thought of it like that," she managed.
"You get used to it." He paused and made a face. "Okay, that's a lie, you don't really get used to it so much as you learn to live with it. There have been times when I've been so worried over Alexis that I've had to spend the night sitting in a chair in her room just to watch her sleep."
Her lips managed a rather shaky smile. "Really?"
"Yeah. This one time, when Alexis was four, we went Christmas shopping at some mall in White Plains. I only turned away for a minute, to try on this charcoal fedora."
A mental image of Castle wearing a charcoal fedora appeared in her mind and her lips twitched a little in spite of herself. She could imagine that he would look very good in a fedora, give his usual handsomeness more of a rugged edge (as he liked to boast).
Castle sobered. "When I turned around, she was gone. I looked everywhere. So did mall security and the police. We searched for an hour."
But Alexis was clearly fine. "Where did you find her?"
His lips softened. "Behind a rack of winter coats. She got bored. She crawled underneath there and went to sleep."
Kate smiled faintly, picturing the little pint-sized Alexis, curled up asleep on the ground.
"For the next two nights afterwards, I spent the whole night sitting in the chair by her bed because I didn't want to let her out of my sight." His lips twisted a little ruefully. "And I was lucky because Alexis wasn't really the kind of kid who wandered off a lot. Unlike me, if you believe my mother's stories," he added with some of his usual humor returning to his voice.
"You, wander off without permission, poking your nose into places you had no business going? Gee, that doesn't sound like you at all," she drawled.
He pasted on an expression of exaggerated virtue. "I know, right? I'm sure I was a perfect angel as a child, no matter what my mother might say."
She snorted. "Yeah, right, and I hear the Brooklyn Bridge is for sale."
He affected injury. "You don't have to be mean about it."
A laugh bubbled out of her, to her own surprise. But then Castle could always do this, couldn't he? Lift her mood, make her smile? She leaned over and gave him a deliberately smacking kiss on the cheek. "I thought you'd be used to that by now."
"Yeah, and somehow I like you anyway."
"Well, you are a little crazy," she quipped.
His expression shifted in one of his lightning-quick changes of mood. "I think liking you is possibly the smartest thing I've ever done."
Oh. Oh, damn. What was she supposed to say in response to that? She didn't have his easy way with words, wasn't good at expressing her feelings. "Oh, Castle," she finally murmured. His name should be safe enough. But for the first time, the use of his surname, his precinct name as it were, didn't sound right either. Not now, not at this moment. "Rick," she amended softly.
She was rewarded by the way his eyes softened, shone as if lit from within. Oh, he liked it when she used his first name. Perhaps as much as she liked it when he called her Kate. Not as an everyday thing but when he said her first name, it sounded like an endearment. And for the moment, she thought, he understood. For the moment, maybe just her using his first name was response enough.
He lifted a hand to touch her cheek, his lips parting–but what he was going to say, she never found out because at that moment, the internal door to the rest of the office opened and a nurse appeared. "Katherine Beckett?"
"Here," she and Castle both answered, jerking to their feet. Castle was answering to her name now?
The nurse greeted them and led them to an examination room, informing them that the technician would be with them shortly.
After the last visit, Kate knew what to do, stepping up to sit back on the examination table and then lifting up her loose sweater to undo her pants.
Castle made a small sound in the back of his throat and she glanced up at him to see him staring at her now-bare baby bump, his eyes wide. "Oh… Oh, wow, look at you," he breathed.
Warmth settled in her chest and she reached a hand out to him, which he immediately grasped, allowing her to gently tug him to her. He braced his other hand on the examination table and she held his eyes, feeling the heat in her cheeks, as she brought their joined hands to rest on her stomach.
She heard his breath stutter a little, just as hers did, honestly. It was his first time touching her bare stomach. In the last week or so, in the course of their, ahem, romantic explorations, he had occasionally caressed her stomach but always through her clothes, not like this, skin against skin, no further barrier between him and his baby. The phrase seemed to boomerang back and hit her straight in the heart. For now, for these next few months, touching her stomach like this was as close as he could get to the baby, his baby too.
Looking at him, it was clear he'd had the same thought. His large warm hand moved in a gentle caress over the curve of her stomach and she could imagine how gentle his touch would be when he finally held his baby. Absurd, ridiculous tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she didn't know why, except that maybe it was something to do with the contrast between the size and strength of Castle, his hand, compared to the mental image of how small, how fragile, the baby would be. For all Castle's undeniable strength, he could be so ineffably gentle and tender.
At that inopportune (or not) moment, the door opened and the technician, the same one from the last appointment, Kate recognized, entered. What was the woman's name, V-something, she thought?
Castle wasn't equally at a loss. "Vanessa, nice to see you again," he greeted with one of his easy smiles.
The woman flushed with pleasure at Castle's remembering her name and Kate could only marvel, not for the first time, at Castle's way with people, his charm. That even when he wasn't trying, was only being courteous, he could set a-flutter the heart of a woman who was approaching middle age. When he was trying to be charming, a woman would probably have to be dead not to react.
And he was hers. Oh lord, how had she, the prickly, reserved Detective Beckett managed to attract a man like him?
"Hello, Mr. Castle." Vanessa blinked and turned to Kate, assuming a professional air. "And Detective Beckett, how are you feeling, now that you're just about at the halfway point of your pregnancy?"
The halfway point–she hadn't thought of it like that, although she was of course keeping track of the weeks.
"I'm fine, just hungry all the time, it seems," she admitted with a little rueful laugh.
Vanessa chuckled. "That's to be expected at this stage. It looks like you're coming along nicely. Have you felt the baby move yet?"
Kate blinked. "No. Should I have?" She felt a little tug of worry.
"No, not necessarily, I was just wondering. You can probably expect to feel the baby move in the next week or two," Vanessa told her. "On that note, let's get started so we can check on how this baby of yours is doing in there, shall we?"
It was just like the last time as Vanessa squirted the cool, bluish gel onto Kate's exposed stomach and, after shifting the computer screen to allow them a better view, began to glide the ultrasound wand over Kate's stomach. Well, almost like last time. This time, Castle was not only standing right beside the exam table, he had slipped one arm around Kate's shoulders, allowing her to partially lean against him, and their hands were clasped.
And there the Sprout was, filling the screen, still a blurry image but clearer this time and, yes, bigger.
Kate felt Castle's hand tighten around hers almost convulsively and had to blink back the sting of silly tears of emotion on seeing the baby again.
"There you are," Vanessa murmured. She pointed out the baby's head, the developing facial features–oh, their baby had a face now–the arms, the legs. And then paused, turning to Kate. "Before we go on, I should ask if you want to know the baby's gender."
Did she? She hadn't fully reached a decision but found herself saying, "Yes, I think so," at the same time as Castle blurted out, "No!"
Vanessa coughed a little as Kate turned to look at Castle. "You don't want to know?"
He lifted one shoulder into a small beginning of a shrug. "I like the idea of preserving the mystery of it," he admitted half-sheepishly. "But if you want to know, we can."
Trust Castle to think of it in terms of preserving a mystery. Some part of her could even understand his point but… "I think I do want to know. I just… things feel uncertain enough already for me with all the changes so I kind of feel like knowing this will help me feel less… uncertain. I don't really want another mystery to deal with," she finished with a small, half-apologetic smile. "Do you mind?"
His expression softened. "No, I don't mind. Of course you want to know." He blinked a little and turned to Vanessa. "Make that a yes."
Oh, right, Vanessa. Kate had, surprisingly, half-forgotten the other woman was there and felt herself flushing a little. She wasn't used to expressing her feelings in words in front of a near-stranger, even in such a context.
Vanessa only nodded briskly, not acknowledging by so much as a flicker of an eyelash the personal conversation she'd just witnessed. "You're having a girl," she told them simply.
A girl. Kate swallowed against the sudden tightness in her throat. A little girl. She didn't think she'd had a preference but now, it somehow seemed… right to be having a girl. And oh, she was suddenly swamped with a surge of longing for her mom. She could picture how excited her mom would be, how her mom would dive eagerly into buying all the cute baby girl clothes on the market. How her mom would start planning for all the things she could teach her little granddaughter. Her granddaughter… Oh. The granddaughter her mom would never know…
She blinked back tears and briefly turned her face into Castle's shirt, discomfited at the rush of emotion.
Vanessa cleared her throat a little and went on to the more serious, medical aspects of the ultrasound, proceeding to take various measurements of the baby's dimensions, estimating the baby's weight, and taking a look at the baby's developing organs. She briefly talked them through what she was doing and why, which also gave Kate time to recover some of her composure. And afterwards, Vanessa smiled at them both and assured them that everything looked healthy and normal, the baby developing just as she should be at this stage.
Kate felt a little wave of relief and was conscious of some tension in Castle easing, making her realize that for all Castle's sanguine words, he had been worried too.
"Thank you," Castle told Vanessa.
"Yes, thank you," Kate echoed.
"It was my pleasure," Vanessa demurred. "Do you have any questions you want to ask me before we finish up here?"
Did she have questions? She couldn't quite think of anything just at the moment.
"Will we get print-outs of this ultrasound too?" Castle spoke up.
"Of course. I can get that taken care of right now," Vanessa agreed. "Excuse me for just a minute."
She left the room, leaving Kate and Castle alone.
He bent a little to meet her eyes. "You see, the Sprout is going to be just fine, perfectly healthy."
"I know, you told me so," she managed in a close approximation of her usual dry tone.
He adopted a look of feigned humility. "I wasn't going to mention it but if you insist, I'll take the credit for being right."
A little huff of laughter escaped her of its own volition. She didn't know how the man could make her laugh so easily but he could. "Very modest of you."
"I try."
Before this exchange could go on any further, Vanessa came back into the room. "Okay, let's get you cleaned up, Detective Beckett, and the print-outs will be ready for you in about 10 minutes."
Vanessa used some special tissues to wipe the gel off of Kate's stomach, disposing of them, before saying her farewells to them as Castle shook her hand and thanked her again.
Kate fastened her pants again and lowered the hem of her sweater before accepting Castle's hand to help her slide off the examination table. She really was becoming more ungainly with her growing stomach.
The brief wait for the sonogram print-outs to be ready gave Kate time to use the restroom and again, try to shore up her composure. In the restroom, she glanced at herself in the mirror but didn't really see herself so much as she traced the ways in which she resembled her mom. And she could only wonder if the baby would look like her–which would mean the baby would also resemble her mom. She imagined recognizing her mom's well-remembered face in the face of her own baby. Her throat tightened again at the thought.
When she emerged from the restroom, Castle studied her face but didn't question her aloud, only slipped his arm around her waist. She let herself nestle into him for a few minutes as they waited for the sonogram images to be ready, which they were before long.
There was another couple in the waiting room when they left, the woman heavily pregnant, and Kate wondered with a little twinge of nerves how she would manage when she was that pregnant.
Once they were outside in the hallway, Castle drew her into his arms, pressing a kiss to her hair. "A girl, Kate. Is that what you were hoping for?"
"I wasn't hoping for anything but now that we know, I'm happy it's a girl." She paused and drew back a little to look at him. "What about you? I know you already have Alexis so were you hoping for a boy this time?"
"All I was hoping for is a healthy baby, ten fingers, ten toes, the basics. Beyond that, girl, boy, I didn't care. And my mother and Alexis will be thrilled to bits."
She managed a shaky smile. "Really?"
"Really." His eyes and his smile were bright and she could see he meant it. "A little girl, Kate. Our little Johanna, another Johanna Beckett… She'll have–"
She stiffened and jerked back at the sound of the familiar name. "You–you've already decided on a name?! Without even talking to me about it?!" He'd settled on a name for the baby without even mentioning it to her–and of all names to pick, her mother's name, without asking what she might think…
"I–no, not decided. I was just assuming…"
"I can't–I can't do this right now," she choked on a sob, her throat closing up, and suddenly couldn't bear it, couldn't just stand still. She needed to move, needed to get out of there, as if trying to escape the storm of emotions inside her.
And so she fled, rushing down the one flight of stairs because the thought of waiting for the elevator was beyond her at the moment with all her restless energy. She vaguely registered Castle's voice calling her name but couldn't make herself stop, her breaths coming fast and ragged.
He'd done it again, hadn't he, went over her head and made a decision, not about her mom's case this time but about the baby and she wasn't sure if that made it worse or better. And it was less about the baby's name than it was which name he'd picked. Her mother's name. Her mom, her grief over her mom, was the single most private part of her life and he of all people should know that by now and yet he could still do this, decide to use her mom's name…
She made it to her car and once she was seated, found the rush of energy she'd felt had fled, and she curled her arms over the steering wheel and gave in to the tears.
It was as if just hearing Castle say her mother's name had brought back all her longing for her mom until she just couldn't bear it. Oh, she wanted her mom, wanted to talk to her mom about all this, about being pregnant and how to manage with her job and everything too. Wanted to talk to her mom about being in a relationship with Castle and wondering how she would manage the relationship with Alexis and with Martha too. She just… missed her mom so much, more every day it sometimes seemed, as she went through this experience. And the thought that her mom would never meet her grandchild, that this baby would never know her other grandmother, made her whole chest hurt as if she'd cracked a rib.
She startled and gulped back a sob at the sound of a tapping on her car window, a spike of alarm and some mortification at the thought of some stranger having seen her cry going through her that was assuaged when she saw Castle's worried expression.
Oh, right, Castle. She wasn't sure how to feel on seeing him but found that at least, most of her anger was gone, subsumed under the tidal wave of grief.
She unlocked the passenger door and Castle immediately joined her in her car, reaching out a tentative hand to touch her shoulder. "I'm sorry," he blurted out. "I didn't decide on the baby's name and I shouldn't have made it sound as if I had. I know the decision about the name isn't up to me. I was just assuming but I shouldn't have said it like that."
She sniffled, swiping futilely at her wet cheeks. "You assumed something having to do with my mother?"
He looked ill at ease. "I assumed that if the baby was a girl, you would want to honor your mother. That's all I meant, all I was thinking."
She choked back another sob, even as some understanding sank into her, and after a moment's hesitation, Castle reached for her, his hand sliding behind her shoulders, and in her own weakness, she let him, almost falling forward against him. It was an awkward angle, sitting in her car as they were, but it would do. She buried her face in his shoulder while he managed to wrap his arms around her, one hand smoothing her hair in a comforting caress.
"Ssh, it's okay. I'm sorry, so sorry. Just let it out. I'm here, I'm right here…"
She was only vaguely aware of his murmured words, the words themselves not really registering so much as it was just his tone, his quiet voice, somehow soothing her, just as the solid warmth of him, the scent of him, did the same.
Although she'd never been comfortable crying in front of other people, she found that somehow, the thought, the reassurance, that she wasn't alone helped–or maybe, it only helped because it was Castle. But whatever the reason, it did help to know she wasn't alone.
She wasn't entirely sure how much time passed before she grew calmer, calm enough to become aware of the awkward angle they were sitting in, and she straightened up. She wiped at her damp cheeks, sniffing a little, and he offered her a tissue which she accepted.
"Better?" he asked gently after a long moment.
She nodded. "Yeah."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to–"
She reached out and grasped his hand. "No, I get it. I appreciate the thought, wanting to honor my mom," she managed, her voice just a little shaky. She could understand that, see that he had meant well. Made such an assumption because he knew what the memory of her mom meant to her. She didn't like that he'd made such an assumption at all but she could understand it. "It's just… I've been missing my mom and hearing you say that, it just… reminded me again that my mom's not here."
He sighed. "I understand. I didn't think of it that way."
She hesitated but forced herself to continue. It wasn't easy, even now, even with Castle, to really put her thoughts, her feelings, into words but this was something they would need to talk about. "I don't think I can do it," she admitted. "I mean, I do like the idea of honoring my mom but I don't think I can do it that way, naming the baby after her. I don't think I can hear that name every day. It would… hurt too much."
"That's fine," he rushed out. "It's up to you. However you want to honor your mom, we can." His expression softened. "We can name our daughter anything you want. Well, as long as it's not something like Hepzibah or something," he amended.
A little huff of watery laughter escaped her. "Hepzibah?"
"It's Biblical."
"I know that," she returned. "I'm just a little surprised. You don't think Hepzibah Castle has a certain ring to it?"
She expected him to grimace or something but instead, his eyes flared, becoming very soft and very blue.
"What?"
"You plan for the baby to be a Castle?"
She felt some color creep into her cheeks. She had been, yes, no matter what happened with her and Castle's personal relationship, but she hadn't thought it would mean so much to Castle. "You're the baby's dad. And there's Alexis too, so it makes sense for the baby to have the same name as her big sister."
"Her big sister," Castle echoed wonderingly. "Her. We're having a little girl…"
Her heart squeezed in her chest, the same rush of emotion she'd felt earlier on hearing the news. "Our daughter," she said softly, a little shakily.
"Our daughter," he repeated and then he abruptly tugged her close to kiss her, hard, with all the emotion she was feeling at that moment too.
Her lips felt a little bruised afterwards, her breathing uneven. Oh, would she ever get used to his kiss and what it could do to her? She didn't think so.
And something about the thought reminded her… "I'm sorry, Castle."
He blinked. "For what?"
"For the way I acted earlier. I… cut you off and just ran and… over-reacted." The mention of her mom tended to do that to her, an open wound that made her lash out when something got too close. And she generally felt the need to move, to pace, to do something, when she was upset. She knew that but it didn't make her feel any less guilty for the way she had acted. And she wondered, not for the first time, how long Castle would want to put up with her and her issues.
"I'm sorry," she said again. She tried for an apologetic attempt at a smile. "Maybe blame it on hormones and forgive me?"
He leaned over and kissed her again, just a soft brush of his lips against hers this time. "Of course. I was hardly blameless either so I guess we're even now."
She rather thought he was getting the worse part of the bargain, dealing with her, but couldn't say that. "Thanks."
"Do you know, I think we've just had our first fight as a couple," he responded with an air of mock solemnity.
"I suppose you can look at it like that. Why does it matter?"
He faked surprise. "Why, Beckett, getting past the first fight is a milestone for a couple. So much so that I think we should celebrate it."
"You want to celebrate our first fight?"
"No, I want to celebrate getting past our first fight," he corrected. "How about we go out to lunch?"
"I'll think about it," she answered dryly–not that she had any intention of saying no. "In the meantime, we should get to the precinct since today is still a work day for me."
He gestured dramatically with one hand. "Lead on, Detective."
She hid a smile. The man was absurd but also adorable. "Don't you mean 'drive on'?"
He affected a pout. "It's not fair to edit my directions."
"I would have thought you, of all people, would appreciate the importance of precision in language," she returned loftily.
He laughed aloud. "Touché. Well, then, drive on, Detective."
And she did just that, directing her car to the precinct to start the work day.
~To be continued…~
A/N 2: Thank you to all readers and reviewers, especially the guests whom I can't thank directly.
