The Heart of the Bounty

A fanfiction

Chapter 14: Discoveries

I finally was able to fall asleep last night, especially after that brief but pleasant visit from Spike. Our relationship is becoming less jarring the more we're attracted to each other. Well, the more I'm attracted to him. It's hard for me to gauge what's going on inside of him, especially because I know enough about his past and just his own persona. He's so attached to it, or was. I want to be hopeful about the change in our interactions, and I am. I still cling to this fear that he will crush this euphoria with the reality of his inability to escape his past. Yet, the changes in him that's making this work are becoming clearer and more distinct. Especially after yesterday. Can it really be true?

If anything, by now everyone on the ship has caught wind to what's going on. Ed almost started chanting that stupid "kissing in a tree" song. I shut her mouth as Jet and Spike walked into the common room. I don't know if it made much of a difference, because Jet smiled at me in a way he never has before. He even spoke to me when we had a moment alone.

"I'm glad that you're finally feeling happy on the Bebop," Jet said. He's right; I am happy. But there was a definite knowing undertone; he knows why I'm happy.

I'm still too afraid to approach Spike. I've lost my past already; I don't think I can take losing anything— or anyone— else. The few times we bumped into each other today, though, we managed to touch each other some way. We're never that touchy-feely. I suppose sex can do that to you, too. Aside from making a girl go heads-over-heels crazy, regardless of the circumstances under which the sex occurred. He'd grab my arm to ask me something. Or he'd delicately place his hand underneath my chin. He'd brush hair to the side of my face. Each short little instance felt marvelous; I was floating on a cloud for many moments afterward. Call me crazy, but I think I'm in love. No, I know I'm in love.

Does that make it any easier to approach the situation as a whole? Definitely not! Females are extremely delicate! Especially me. I've experienced the disappointment of unrequited love. Though it was only really once instance, I can't recall any worse pain that that. Even the physical pains from any fights I've gotten into for bounty heads don't measure up to my heartache. My emotions really sway me through everything in the every day. And now, Spike is the one controlling my emotions, and so Spike in a way controls how I go about my day. It's like I'm being hypnotized, but I'm willing. I will do whatever it takes to keep Spike Spiegel.