The Burden of Love: Is this a Dream or just the same nightmare?REVISED

by tarskeewee08

Evangeline walked with her head down staring at the grey linoleum floor as her heels clicked hollowly with each step. Walking along side her was John and his feet kept measure with hers. He held her up and followed the detective to the opposite side of the building toward the Medical Examiners office. Trying to remain in control she cried with her arm wrapped around him. She just wasn't sure that she could see her friend since she was six years old lying dead on a slab.

John rubbed her arm comforting her but the trauma was more than she could handle. He was worried sick about her. She turned pale and her eyes were swollen shut. She barely walked straight as her head hung over causing her hair to fall into her face. "Its okay sweetie….I will be right by your side"

Evangeline shook her head no "I can't" she whimpered looking up to see the double swing doors to where Charlotte lay cast aside. Evangeline stopped shaking her head "Don't make me John!" she wheezed.

The detective stopped and looked at her impatiently as John held her arm pulling her toward him. "Van…"
"No…I can't do it! Don't make me please!"
John cupped her face in both his hands forcing her to look into his eyes. "Look at me Van…."
Evangeline looked at him terrified.
"I know you are scared baby. I'm not going to lie to you this is tough. This will probably be the toughest thing you will ever have to do in your life. But Van you have to do it. She was your best friend and someone took her life. We have to find out who and why. We have to make sure it's her. She has no one but you sweetie."

"I'm scared" she said softly
"I know, and god knows if I could do this for you I would. We can take all the time you need but you have to do this" he said smiling into her face and letter her go stand on her own.

Evangeline smiled weakly. "I can do this" she said through the tears that pooled in her eyes taking a deep breath
John smiled wider "Of course you can…..you're one tough cookie remember?"
Evangeline laughed and so did he. Stopping she looked at him "Thank you John, I don't know how I could get through this without your support"

"I'm just glad I was here to offer it" he said touching her cheek.
"Are you guys coming?" the detective said.

John glared at him over his shoulder ready to snap but Evangeline touched his chest. "Yes…" she said shakily.

Holding each others hand tightly they walked down the rest of the corridor and Evangeline made several attempts to swallow the lump in her throat. Shaking she sucked in her breath going into the cool room.

The place smelled of chemicals and death. Closing her eyes she waited until the wave of nausea passed. John's hand slipped into hers and the contact made her open her eyes. The detective walked over to a petite Asian woman with her hair pulled into a tight bun wearing black rimmed square glasses and a white lab coat. She stood in-between two bodies holding a silver clipboard reading something.

She looked over at them and nodded. "What can I do for you detective?"
He turned and pointed toward Evangeline and John "We need to get an identification on Jane Doe"

The ME lowered the pad to the silver tray next to the body housing a bunch of crude looking instruments. "If you will follow me"

Evangeline legs felt like led but she found the strength to move as all four of them went to the back of the exam room where the walls were lines with iron refrigerated cabinet doors. The ME walked along reading the labels and Evangeline realized her friend was lying behind one of them. She felt another panic attack coming on and swallowed it. She wasn't breathing.

Finally finding the one housing her friend the ME grabbed the silver refrigerator like handle and opened the door. Reaching inside she slid out the slab that had a white sheet covering the body.

John pulled her toward the slab and Evangeline struggled again to breathe. The ME looked in her face for some indication that she was ready. Evangeline's lip quivered and she began to sweat in the cool lab. Squeezing John's hand with tears falling she blew out her breath and nodded. The sheet came back and her best friends face came into view.

"Ohhh God!" Evangeline screamed and John pulled her into his arms "Noooo! god why! Why would you do this! Why!" she wailed as the torrent of tears came down.

John tried to soothe her. Looking down at the once beautiful woman his heart broke. She was a pale gray and her lips were purple indicating from his experience she was left in the cold. He saw the dark purplish red marks around her neck. Evangeline continued to scream and the ME pulled the sheet back "How was she killed?" John asked

"My preliminary report shows she was strangled and beaten."
"NOOOO!" Evangeline screamed.
John held her as she collapsed and he had to hold her up by her arms. "Where did you find her?"

The detective looked at John "Exactly who are you again?"
John smiled a him "I'm your knew Lt. I was hired today"
The ME looked at the detective somewhat shocked and he looked John up and down holding up Evangeline in his arms as she wailed oblivious to them.

"A homeless guy called it in. He's barely coherent but we got a loose description, we're keeping him in holding. Her body was dumped in Joliet"

Evangeline raised her head "She said she was going to see someone. Someone that knew more about the Cletus Jones case"
The detective frowned and the ME pushed Charlotte's body back in the drawer closing it then excused herself walking silently away.

"Cletus Jones…you two working on that cop killer case!" he snapped.

Evangeline flashed the detective an angry look. "Apparently he's not the killer if my best friend is dead you asshole!" she shouted.
John rubbed her back a little surprised at her out burst. The detective rubbed his jaw. "Okay I'm sorry…" he mumbled "Who was this person she was going to see?"
"I can't remember" Evangeline whimpered.

John shook his head "That's enough, I'll take her home to get some rest and she'll come back tomorrow to help with the case."

Before the detective could say anything John led Evangeline out. Evangeline kept closing her eyes seeing feisty Charlotte, defender of those that found themselves defenseless. Murdered because of her desire to help correct the injustices heaped on people that couldn't fight back. Now who will right this wrong? Who will correct the injustice of her being snatched from this world at the age of 30?

Her friend didn't deserve to die, she didn't deserve to be murdered. Whoever the bastard was that hurt her would be made to pay!

Walking into her place Evangeline kept her head down and headed to her room pulling off her clothes. John closed the door and went to the light switch. He looked around her condo impressed. His Evangeline had the most impeccable taste. Her walls were a soft lavender with a white trim and her sofa was a deep purple accompanied by a chaise lounge chair to the left of it. The mahogany table had a cylinder vase with a thick lavender candle placed inside.

The wall had a stereo mounted on it with flat speakers on either side. And nice paintings framed the other walls. The hardwood floors looked polished and buffed. He turned to see the kitchen was red with black and white tiles on the floor and black cabinets lining the walls. He walked in and saw all her accessories were ladybugs like they were in Llanview and he smiled.

He knew that he was here just for support but being in her place was like coming home. Going to her cabinet he pulled out a wine glass and knowing her went to the bottom of her stainless steel refrigerator opening the vegetable draw to find her bottle of Merlot.

Uncorking it he poured her some and put the bottle on the counter. Walking toward her bedroom he saw she hadn't turned on the light and she was laid on the bed in her bra and panties. He felt a little hesitant of going to her that way, but she needed him.

"Evangeline…" he said softly
She didn't respond and he walked over to her placing the glass on the nightstand. He pulled at the sheets under her causing her to moan and turn over as he worked her under the covers. Her hair in her face she looked up at him and grabbed his arm "Don't leave me please…I know you don't want to be here but please stay" she whimpered.

John frowned at her plea "What do you mean…."
"John I can't live with this. She was my best friend and I forced her to take the case on her own. I should have helped her!"

John touched her face moving the stray strands "No baby, you couldn't have prevented this. It's not your fault"

"Just like Caitlyn's death wasn't your fault?" she snapped
John's heart leaped to his throat and he looked at her shocked. "Where did that come from?"

Evangeline burst into tears "I'm sorry…oh god…I just.." she moaned turning over. John reached for her but she wouldn't turn around. "Its okay Van, you're right guilt is guilt and I know that more than anyone."

"She's dead…" Evangeline moaned again crying more.
"Yes baby and it's hard to accept. But neither of us is responsible for the deaths of the people we love."

Evangeline turned over and looked at him. "You don't mean that….you believed and still do that you could have prevented Caitlyn's death….and you fathers"
"Van this isn't about…."
"It's about pain John…the type of pain that cuts you open and leaves you to bleed to death. The type of pain that suffocates you with every minute that passes. My best friend is dead and less than 24 hours ago I spoke to her. I told her I wouldn't help her because I was too afraid to face you!"

John blinked at her not understanding. "I don't…"
"I was running like you always do and now she's dead. I was thinking of my own selfish needs and some animal was killing the best human being walking this planet. Yet I get to live and wander through life licking old wounds while hiding from reality."

John shook his head. She wasn't making much sense but he understood her pain. "Drink this" he said reaching for the wineglass.

Evangeline snatched it from his hand and gulped it all down. John tried to pull it from her and she turned away. Once done she shoved it at him.

"Evangeline please…"
"Just hold me….don't tell me that it will be okay. Don't use words on me that you don't even believe yourself. Just hold me so I can pretend that she's not dead and find a little peace"

Her words burned through him and he lowered the glass kicking off his shoes. Evangeline turned over and closed her eyes. John spooned her remaining on top of the sheets. He could smell her apricot shampoo and to have her in his arms again was so comforting. He listened to her moans and cries until she drifted to sleep.

Once she was asleep he rose from the bed and walked out of the room closing the door leaving it cracked. Walking into the dark living room he went and got some sheets from the hall closet. Tossing them on the large purple sofa and removing the large pillows that lined the couch. Pulling off his clothes he folded them and put them in the lounge chair.

Sitting in nothing but his boxers he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. Scanning channels he thought of what she said. For years people have tried to tell him how he wasn't at fault for the death of others, but he never believed it. She was right he was a hypocrite.

Restlessly he lay back on the sofa and pulled the covers over him. He would help her and in doing so he would help himself.

Evangeline stood in the dark living room watching him sleep. John turned over and opened his eyes to see her standing in her knee length nightgown with her lip quivering silently crying. He pulled back his covers on the sofa and she immediately went to him lying between his legs. "Its okay baby" he said softly as she lay on his chest listening to the soft rhythmic beat of his heart. She wanted to forget and she needed him desperately.

Kissing his chest lightly John looked down at the top of her head confused. Evangeline slid her hand down to between his legs lifting some so she could touch his manhood. It immediately responded to her touch. "What are you doing?" John asked confused

She looked up at him her eyes red with tears. "Don't talk….just give me what I need" she said coming up to him and kissing his lips while stroking him. John turned his head "No…you're just upset." He said resisting her.

"Be quiet" she whispered seductively in his ear and then stuck her tongue inside of it. John clenched his fist knowing he should push her off. This would do nothing but hurt her more.

"Stop!" he said reaching for her hand now massaging his erect penis.
"You don't want me too….I can feel it" she whispered kissing the inside of his neck letting him go so she could grind against him.

"Evangeline…please…" he said trying weakly to push her off him. She brushed off his hands and pulled up the hem of her nightgown. Reaching between his legs she grabbed his penis and pulled it through the opening of his boxers. Bending her knees she straddled him and he opened his eyes to look up at her as she slid down onto his member. Her hair was disheveled and in her face, he could only see her lips as they parted slowly to her moans.

"Evangeline.." he said weakly hurt that she would give herself to him like this. He didn't want her like this…out of desperation and need. He wanted her back the right way. But the feel of being inside of her was to overwhelming and instead of ending it he grabbed her hips digging his nails into the light fabric of her gown as she rotated and bounced in his lap.

Biting down on his lip he grunted underneath her and she placed her hands flat against his chest working back and forth faster and faster. "Oh god!" he shouted unable to remain quiet any longer. She lowered her face to his still rocking in his lap and her long hair completed covered their faces as she licked his lips and slipped her tongue inside. He squeezed her butt and kissed her back deeply so grateful for the chance to experience her again.

Groaning from it all he held her hips tightly pushing up into her with powerful thrusts crying out under his orgasm. Evangeline sat up and arched her back squeezing every bit of his juices from him. When they were done John lay beneath her dripping in sweat. He looked up at her and she burst into tears her face still covered by her tangles. He reached for her and she rose from his lap backing away.

Shocked that she was running from him after what they shared he sat up hurt. "Wait…Evangeline"

Quickly she jumped form the couch pulling down her gown and ran to her bedroom. John got up to go after her shoving his penis back in his boxer shorts as he heard the bedroom door slam and lock. He went to the door and knocked on it "Evangeline baby, don't do this. Why are you punishing yourself?"

"Go away!" she shouted and he could tell from her voice she was on the floor right outside the door. Lowering to the floor he put his hand to the door. "Evangeline"
"No! You got what you wanted now get out of my house!" she wailed and John winced from the implication. "No baby I didn't…"
"You don't love me! You never loved me!"

John was stunned. He's loved her for so long and so hard that he actually forgot that he never told her. After all these years he didn't want to tell her like this. She wouldn't believe him if he did. "Evangeline, sweetie open the door….let me talk to you"

"Get out!" she screamed
"NO!" he shouted back. "I've done the running thing when it comes to us, and frankly it doesn't work to well. Look at us, time, distance and even this locked door can't keep us apart. We are two sides of the same coin. You can't escape me and I won't let you. You are everything to me!"

"Not true…." She moaned
"Oh baby its true, and I will sit outside this door for eternity until you believe me."

Hearing nothing for a long while John sighed and sat down placing his back against the door. "You know when I visited you in the hospital after the Killing Club I was in such a state of guilt and grief it pushed me near insanity."

"I remember it was because you wanted your precious Natalie!" she croaked out hoarsely from all the tears.

John shook his head sadly "Yes, I was worried about Natalie but I was guilty and grieving over you. I had just lost you and I was responsible for you almost burning to death. I failed you and the sight of you hurt, it almost destroyed me."

"Funny, when you saw Natalie you gave her all the tenderness and support I was denied" she said sadly. "I guess the sight of her was a lot more comforting!"

"Baby….its what guilt and grief can do to you. It makes everything distorted. It makes you cling to that which will keep you empty and push away that which could make you whole."

Evangeline said nothing and touched the door at the sound of his pain.
"I know why you came to me tonight….you wanted to be empty, you wanted to do what I did to Natalie…you thought you could control your grief and pain this way. But it didn't work"

"No…it didn't" she said crying again.
"Do you want to know why?" he asked softly
She nodded through her tears "Yes…" she said weakly
"Open this door and let me tell you"

Evangeline looked at the door then raised her hand to the knob and unlocked it. Rising to her knees she opened it to see John looking at her lovingly. "Why John? Why can't it just be over for us so I can have some peace?"

John came to her and gripped her face "Because we love each other. I love you more than life itself and I will never stop loving you"

"Oh god…" Evangeline cried going into his arms.
He pulled her into his chest and held her tightly to him as she clung to him. She cried in his arms and he didn't let her go. Rubbing her back he kissed the side of her face. "I love you Evangeline….I'll never let another day go by without telling you"

She pulled away and looked in his face "I love you too" she said before kissing him her face wet with tears of both pain and joy. He picked her up off the floor then scooped her up in his arms carrying her to the bed. Lying her down he came along side of her and rained her face with kisses. He was so happy to have her next to him. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. They fell asleep that way….in each other arms.

"You hungry?"
John opened his eyes to an intense crook in his neck. Looking around he found himself on the couch. Evangeline sat in the chair across from him her hair tangled and eyes swollen. She had her knees pulled underneath her.

He shot up and looked around the living room. Oh god no! It was just a dream. She didn't come back to him. She wasn't his.

Evangeline frowned "You were moaning in your sleep….what were you dreaming about?"

John saw she had fresh tears on her face. "It was nothing" he said sadly
"Are you hungry? I can fix you something" she said not bothering to move her tangles from his face and her lip quivering.

"Are you okay Evangeline?" he asked tenderly
"No..."
He pulled up the sheet and scooted back on the couch. She got up and went to him lying on her side in the crook of his arm. He covered her and held her tight to his chest while lying behind her.
"Thank you John for being a friend to me"
John smiled sadly. He wanted so much more. So much more.